Two professionals, same salary - can't agree on splitting expenses

[girl68]

I can honestly say if I made equal income (which is a far cry from reality) I would honestly have no problem going halfers on anything... This would be a real dream if it could come true becasue I hate the gender roles.

Since my situation is grossly different him earning 4 times as much as me, he pays approximately 3-4 times more than I do. I do appricate and I do not take it for granted. I'm often the one cooking meals at home and taking care of most of the chores as an effort to contribtue to the relationship in other ways.

It would not sit well at all if either one of us just "expected" these things because he's the guy I'm the girl. In fact shit would hit the fan if he even so suggested that I "have to" cook, clean, and be little miss homemaker. He'd be equally pissed off if I expected him to fork out money each and every time to go out on dates.

[vashti]

In fact shit would hit the fan if he even so suggested that I "have to" cook, clean, and be little miss homemaker.

But isn't the point that you might enjoy doing it for him if you felt he truly appreciated it? Just as some men enjoy spoiling their women. It sounds like she would be better off with a more traditional male, and the original poster would be better off with someone else.

For the record, I have never paid for a date. I like traditional men, and for the right one, I don't mind being a traditional woman. Money laid out for a date is merely symbolic. Having a man who enjoys taking care of me.... that's golden.

[girl68]

But isn't the point that you might enjoy doing it for him if you felt he truly appreciated it? Just as some men enjoy spoiling their women. It sounds like she would be better off with a more traditional male, and the original poster would be better off with someone else.

For the record, I have never paid for a date. I like traditional men, and for the right one, I don't mind being a traditional woman. Money laid out for a date is merely symbolic. Having a man who enjoys taking care of me.... that's golden.

Yes, but I absolutely hate cooking and cleaning. I do it only because I can't afford to hire someone to do it for me. If I made what he did, we could certainly afford that expense. I suppose in my case I'm merely picking up the slack for my lack of finacial support in the relationship.

Oh, I totally agree they would probably both fair much better with more modren day women (like myself/ qwert) and for she, an older much more traditional man. (Who she might have to consider this will hate the fact that she may be the breadwinner at 300+k salary)

[vashti]

Yes, but I absolutely hate cooking and cleaning. I do it only because I can't afford to hire someone to do it for me. If I made what he did, we could certainly afford that expense. I suppose in my case I'm merely picking up the slack for my lack of finacial support in the relationship.

Oh, I totally agree they would probably both fair much better with more modren day women (like myself/ qwert) and for she, an older much more traditional man. (Who she might have to consider this will hate the fact that she may be the breadwinner at 300+k salary)

She won't be forced to deal with older men in order to find someone more traditional. She's 27, and I know there are men in their early to mid 30s who are traditional. I've been dating a few.

[KingZ]

But isn't the point that you might enjoy doing it for him if you felt he truly appreciated it? Just as some men enjoy spoiling their women. It sounds like she would be better off with a more traditional male, and the original poster would be better off with someone else.

You don't get it!

He doesn't mind spoiling her. No sane man does. But if he did pay for everything, he wouldn't be spoiling her. She expects to be treated that way all the time. It's the fact that it's her expectation that bothers him.

For the record, I have never paid for a date.

lol.

[enjungrl]

yes you are negotiating a business arrangement so she is entitled to voice what she thinks is fair. remember it already cost more to be a female... unless you want to go 50-50 on her make up, hair and hygiene products to! if your date already cost her $30 more to get dressed so she can look nice for you, then yes you should be happy to help make up the difference by paying a little more of the tab. and trust me you would not be happy if she started to let herself go to make up the difference. if you truely want to end the debate...ASK HER TO MARRY YOU! otherwise suck it up and pay a little more until you are ready for a real commitment!!

[SelflessnHumble]

I suspect she is a control freak and "wants what she wants", and the gender role excuse is just that, an excuse to get what she wants. My suggestion will determine whether or not she is being genuine, as she should have no problem complying with the things I listed if she really wants to honor traditional gender roles. She's really just selfish, and I agree that this relationship is probably doomed and if not, the OP's wants and needs certainly are doomed. Greg, I truthfully think you should have a break up talk with her, and tell her that you want someone that will appreciate your effort and if she's not willing to make a compromise then you would rather just leave. You are going to be a doctor which means you have plenty of options now and that will only increase when you become one. You need to show her that you're willing to leave her if she's not willing to compromise on this.

Take2, it's not punishing or exacting revenge. It is literally using her logic and reasoning so he can get some benefit from the arrangement as well. As I said earlier, if she's not full of shit, she should have not problem taking on the traditional female roles. My guess is that she is full of shit.

I see what this attempt is meant to yield, however a woman doesn't use logic bro!
She will argue over the fact "in her household the man provided for the woman" which also SHOULD mean in theory
that the women:

do the laundry, wash the dishes, cook, clean, provide affection and complete satisfaction for her man...
I mean if these are his needs for her to do all of these things then sure: it makes sense.
BUT not if he makes them up just to prove a point. She will beat him with experience in bullshit and hypocritical wizardry.

[vashti]

You don't get it! He doesn't mind spoiling her. No sane man does. But if he did pay for everything, he wouldn't be spoiling her. She expects to be treated that way all the time. It's the fact that it's her expectation that bothers him.

I expect to be spoiled.

AND, I expect to spoil.

[Sonrisa]

greg, please don't rape your girlfriend.

i don't believe in the whole headaches or being tired. it's either she wants him or not.

[enjungrl]

suck it up and pay, if you want to keep her! or ask her to marry you she just wants to you to show you are commited to making her happy. paying half the bills doesn't show appriciation. if she just wanted help with the bills she would just get a roomate. i did the 50-50 split for 4 years, and recently moved out. i feel like we were taking each other for granted and acting like an old married couple before we are even married. i know he isn't ready to marry me and i'm not looking for a proposal but i'm tired of playing married. we are still dating and many of my things are still at his place but i will not be moving in with him or any other man until i'm married. any yes we do appriciate our time together now

[blacksheepat]

suck it up and pay, if you want to keep her! or ask her to marry you she just wants to you to show you are commited to making her happy. paying half the bills doesn't show appriciation. if she just wanted help with the bills she would just get a roomate. i did the 50-50 split for 4 years, and recently moved out. i feel like we were taking each other for granted and acting like an old married couple before we are even married. i know he isn't ready to marry me and i'm not looking for a proposal but i'm tired of playing married. we are still dating and many of my things are still at his place but i will not be moving in with him or any other man until i'm married. any yes we do appriciate our time together now

absolutely I agree with you!

Just suck it up and pay! its not so much about who pays an extra dollar more than the other but more of a gesture that you are dedicated to the relationship, especially when social stereotype says that men are more likely to be infidel than the women, it would make sense that the girl wants to feel that extra security.

As much as sex is love to men, money equals committment in a woman's eyes.

[IndiReloaded]

The issue is not the money. Money is a tool for getting what one wants.

I think what the OP wants is to know he isn't just the funding agency of her entertainment. I think she wants to know he can be generous.

I think Vash once mentioned (which I agree with), is that couples with different income levels should *agree* on how to pay for things. If the couple wants something that the 'poorer' partner can't afford, then s/he needs to say so. Then, it becomes an issue of 1. finding a different thing, 2. the 'richer' partner *choosing* to pay more. 100% willingly, with the other partner accepting 100% willingly. Its when there is a discrepancy that trouble arises.

Personally, I'm *not* comfortable with a partner paying for everything. From my own experience, this leads to power issues. Generosity in giving, and receiving, is one thing. Dependence, which is the slippery slope the OPs gal is on, is another. And forced generosity is, of course, not generosity at all. These two are not compatible.