What do I do?

[Fallenangel29]

So, I posted something not long ago about getting together with my boyfriend 4 months ago and his ex being a pain in the beginning, on one occasion calling him at 3am and him picking her up (so she was safe as she was drunk etc). Anyway, this was after our first date and he said she slept on the sofa.

Truth is, it came out that she only went to the sofa after throwing a strop (apparently after he wouldn't cuddle up to her).

So, in short...after a date with me, he just took her upstairs to sleep in his bed.

Not only that, but he kept that from me, as well as lying about the last time he slept with her (he maintains that this was before we met up and never after).

Its doing my head in. All I can think about is that I've asked him direct questions about all this stuff and he lied to my face. He said he was scared. That he told me basic info, like she slept downstairs, which she did end up doing, but not the fact that he assumed she was gonna sleep next to him first off.

It's not just that, but now I keep wondering what else? Maybe he slept with her after we met?


Argggh. I'm so distressed about it all.

[curly1118]

Well he shouldn't be picking up his ex if she's drunk or whatever when he's dating you. In fact, her being drunk or where she is partying or anything like that should be none of his concern. And letting her crash at his place? HELL no!

All you can really do is be upfront with him and tell him what's on your mind and that you want answers. If you don't talk about it it will just get worse and you'll drive yourself insane.

[SelflessnHumble]

This is life. People much of the time will not reveal who they are nor what they've done until:
You catch them in a lie? OR
You find out from some 3rd party...

A BF should NOT be spending ANY sort of time with an ex: much less letting her drunk a$$ stay on his sofa, his bed nor anywhere else in his own place! RED FLAG #1
2nd, the foundation on meeting him has her smell all over it! RED FLAG #2

You have a right to feel the way you do, but not to take it out on him irrationally emotional.

Your story makes zero sense when you say, "lying about the last time he slept with her?" When did he say and what did you find out and from whom?
Then you say he assumed she was gonna sleep next to him??? What are you saying here?

[Fallenangel29]

Hey..thanks for your replies.

I'm really hurt and disappointed.

Since all this happened we moved in together, bought a car together, are going on a holiday with his family soon and he is otherwise 'perfect' as a boyfriend. Caring, considerate, affectionate, loving, generous etc etc. He's shown a lot of commitment in these 4 months and talks about the future. Getting married, kids etc.

His ex had a lot of issues and therefore came across as quite manipulative and needy. They had been separated for 2 years and she had relationships and he didn't. He was pretty much playing the husband role while she was out being single. He was at her beckon call. Then he met me.

He isn't the type to play around. And I'm pretty sure once we were officially together he did nothing.

Then again, because he has lied about this issue and a couple more, I have doubts about everything.

I love him so much and I know he loves me. It would be such a shame to walk away. But this only started because I was fishing and found out about the call at 3am to pick her up. That was weeks ago and it's taken this long to get this much out of him. What if there is more?

I happened to speak to her before Christmas about something else and I asked her where she slept and she said downstairs.

Like I said, he had also originally told me she slept downstairs, and even with his updated version, that is supposed to be true. He just hid the fact that originally he was gonna let her sleep next to him.

Trouble is, sometimes if he's tired he doesn't want to have sex with me....so him denying her doesn't mean it was because he wanted to start something with me.

Argh this is driving me crazy.

I also asked him what she was doing while he was getting ready for work if she was on the sofa....and that changed a couple of times. Turns out he apparently sent her up to the bed, got ready and went to work. I'm just thinking how convenient. I reckon she was there all night.

But, he was technically single. He was married to this woman and wrapped around her little finger. He'd met me once. Do I have any right to feel like this?

He has been really upset about it...even crying. Says that he thought that if I knew at the time I wouldn't want to see him again. And that the lies since have just been to paper the cracks and he knows he made things worse. He says he wants a future with me and that he didn't do anything that night and definately not after we said we were in a relationship.

I'm 28 and he's 30. Just for info.


We weren't bf gf when this happened...it was a first date.

[SelflessnHumble]

His ex had a lot of issues and therefore came across as quite manipulative and needy. They had been separated for 2 years and she had relationships and he didn't. He was pretty much playing the husband role while she was out being single. He was at her beckon call. Then he met me.

This is an excuse, k? I doubt he told you the ENTIRE story, especially when he has a tendency to withhold the 411.
He CHOSE to stay with her: and was he still with her when he met you? Even worse.

He isn't the type to play around. And I'm pretty sure once we were officially together he did nothing.

People aren't always who they seem! Men often mistake a quiet woman for a docile and
one who can be taken advantage of. Stereotyping someone you don't really know too well doesn't fly.

Then again, because he has lied about this issue and a couple more, I have doubts about everything.

Then you can understand HOW one lie can lead to more lies, and then deceit, and then cheating: it is how it works.
How are you to trust someone who *has* lied but according to you: doesn't because "it's not like him to cheat?"
The answer: YOU confront him: he tells you his-story: you love him: you believe it: and you move on.
You don't? You will continue to feel this up until the moment when you begin to resent him for the lies...Just
wait until little tidbits come knocking on your brain's door...

I love him so much and I know he loves me. It would be such a shame to walk away. But this only started because I was fishing and found out about the call at 3am to pick her up. That was weeks ago and it's taken this long to get this much out of him. What if there is more?

Listen very carefully: you have asked him multiple times and EACH time he assured you nothing happened. Check.
When digging for dirt: you are sure to find something questionable...Are you willing to throw away this relationship
due to your curiosity?

Since all this happened we moved in together, bought a car together, are going on a holiday with his family soon and he is otherwise 'perfect' as a boyfriend. Caring, considerate, affectionate, loving, generous etc etc. He's shown a lot of commitment in these 4 months and talks about the future. Getting married, kids etc.

Then (no offense) quit yer bitchin, and appreciate all that he has to offer you!
While I know a lie is a lie is a lie: the fact of the matter is: did this lie omit he was banging some other girl?
OR did he lie because he felt you wouldn't understand if he explained it? To me: intent trumps assuming.

[Liam_680]

You have to be mature and see things in a birds eye view. You have to see if your boyfriend lied just to be with his ex or he lied just not to get you upset and cause a problem in your relationship.. this is to determine if you or his ex is more imporant.. if he lied because he didnt want to hurt you then you can talk about this issue with him and tell him that if he wants your trust, he has to earn it and that means choosing between his ex or you. Yes he may feel responsible for his ex's situation but the thing is he has someone new now and so he has to realize that he has to let her go 100%. if her ex calls again and need his help, call someone else like his ex's parent, friend or anyone who can go to her and help her but not him.

[Fallenangel29]

He doesn't have anything to do with her anymore. He is getting divorced, burnt his wedding photos and video, etc. I'm a bit confused as some people say what he did before we were official is none of my business and others say he's a dog:-(

[SelflessnHumble]

He doesn't have anything to do with her anymore. He is getting divorced, burnt his wedding photos and video, etc. I'm a bit confused as some people say what he did before we were official is none of my business and others say he's a dog:-(

Thing is: he SHOULD have been divorced before getting with you!
This says a lot about his character (in that it sucks)

(1) It isn't any of your business: this is true.
(2) Public opinion doesn't = the truth. YOU have to find this out for yourself.

You seem unsure of yourself because you aren't able to listen to people's hearsay: and then dismiss it as bullshit rumor.
So, you need to trust your gut and go with it. If it means you break up so that you don't have a foundation built on lies and uncertainty: then it is wise to do it.
Instead of coming here, not knowing what to do based on what people tell you (which seems to correlate somewhat with someone who lies, or has lied. It doesn't mean they will
do it again: and once a cheater not always a cheater: I'm living proof of that as are many other people who've learned.