allowing abuse in relationships

[MynameisJesus]

It has always intrigued me that some women allow abuse (verbally/physically/sexually..) in relationships.
I just read a nice article about it online, with rational arguments that make sense. Financial dependance, I have to do this for the kids, my religion doesn't allow me to break up..

[url=http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=8483]Why Do Adults Stay In Abusive Relationships? - Abuse[/url]

But in plenty of relationships, those arguments do not apply. Especially among students.

In the comment box a woman describes how badly she is being abused. She is a rich business woman with a six figure salary and gets abused physically and verbally by a homeless idiot. Still, she doesn't leave him. I do not buy it that kids are the only reason for this.

I believe that allowing abuse is related to poor self esteem. But still it shocks me how the 3 prettiest women I know are in relationships with a guy that has cheated on his last 7 bed partners. Maybe it's because those guys are amazing bed partners? I can't tell as a man, but I see them as average looking. Verbally agressive, manipulative, careless and overconfident. The girls are extremely attractive and shouldn't lack confidence because there is attention everywhere. Also from more attractive men but I get the idea that the cheating and the abuse is what turns them on

I really have no idea why.
Some of the ones I know personally look for completely irrational excuses to let the abuser get away with it and I have no clue what the psychology behind this is

Prime example:
The mother of my closest friend is in a relationship with a man that cheats on her. He is manipulative, and he makes loads of money without a degree because he can even manipulate his employers. Takes the boss on holidays etc
Last year, he admitted to her that he had an affair with a rich business woman that he had met during the holiday. It had been going on for 4 years

For 2 weeks there was total silence and grief. She is the most fantastic mother on this planet and doesn't deserve this. Her 2 kids kicked him out.
And what does the mother say 2 weeks later?
" It's not his fault that he doesn't love me anymore. I'll let him back in "
She even drove him to the airport so that he could go back to that woman. It didn't work out and he still lives with her.
I hated him when it came to the surface, for months. But it faded and now people still say hi to him. Time really does heal all wounds it seems

Any female explanation? I'd be happy to learn and understand

[Take2]

Frequently, children who grow up in abusive homes grow up to have abusive partners. Sadly, this abuse is normalized so that it just doesn't seem unfair or cruel to the victim and it doesn't seem that they deserve better. Remember, this child who looks up to Mommy as the smartest person in the world, sees Mommy hit and yelled at. Therefore it is ok for men to hit women, and the Mommy tells her the man loves her so she learns that is what love is.

[SelflessnHumble]

It has always intrigued me that some women allow abuse (verbally/physically/sexually..) in relationships.

You, me and every other rational person who has either had a GF, friend or family member.

I just read a nice article about it online, with rational arguments that make sense. Financial dependance, I have to do this for the kids, my religion doesn't allow me to break up..

These are negotiation instruments: bargaining. The you have the ones who actually feel they are either to blame
for this abuse: or worse...feel they the reason for the abuse to continue unimpeded. Some women (due to household instability, not being touched as all babies need) and for whatever reasons where these women didn't choose to be abused: attract and are attracted to abusers...

The first thing I notice: is the relationship between father + mother/daughter.
From this I can see IF they are close: OR there is some discordant familiarity (from my experiences) between them.

It is usually obviously evident there are issues with self worth, esteem and overall confidence issues.
Not all women grow up this way: but many do. To understand is to be shown and involved. Many parents simply
do NOT know how...Which then becomes the child's problem later in life.

In the comment box a woman describes how badly she is being abused. She is a rich business woman with a six figure salary and gets abused physically and verbally by a homeless idiot. Still, she doesn't leave him. I do not buy it that kids are the only reason for this.

I believe that allowing abuse is related to poor self esteem.

The abuse itself isn't derived from low self esteem...the ability to stop it and to distinguish bad behavior from abuse IS.

But still it shocks me how the 3 prettiest women I know are in relationships with a guy that has cheated on his last 7 bed partners. Maybe it's because those guys are amazing bed partners? I can't tell as a man, but I see them as average looking. Verbally agressive, manipulative, careless and overconfident. The girls are extremely attractive and shouldn't lack confidence because there is attention everywhere. Also from more attractive men but I get the idea that the cheating and the abuse is what turns them on

Sometimes the most seemingly beautiful of women can be the most damaged of all people.
Some women love to be controlled, others love to control. It doesn't matter what "type" of woman allows
herself to be victimized, controlled or abused. Different classes, different types can also fall under this system of conditioning.

Prime example:
The mother of my closest friend is in a relationship with a man that cheats on her. He is manipulative, and he makes loads of money without a degree because he can even manipulate his employers. Takes the boss on holidays etc
Last year, he admitted to her that he had an affair with a rich business woman that he had met during the holiday. It had been going on for 4 years

For 2 weeks there was total silence and grief. She is the most fantastic mother on this planet and doesn't deserve this. Her 2 kids kicked him out.
And what does the mother say 2 weeks later?
" It's not his fault that he doesn't love me anymore. I'll let him back in "
She even drove him to the airport so that he could go back to that woman. It didn't work out and he still lives with her.
I hated him when it came to the surface, for months. But it faded and now people still say hi to him. Time really does heal all wounds it seems

You are making the mistake that WOMEN actually use reason, and logic in order to make well informed decisions! lol
You will never understand why people do the things they do...it will make you mad!!!
All you can do is offer support and don't interject with the shit she doesn't want to hear! -the truth, in fact hurts.

Any female explanation? I'd be happy to learn and understand[/QUOTE]

The thing with "people" that you must realize (with any situational abuse that is allowed to carry on) is that:
PEOPLE can and will create: (without any reasoning behind it)

illusions
delusions
excuses and anything in between to *explain* that their (behavior was bad) and that the abuse is simply a consequence
of this perceived bad behavior...People are too easy to program and a manipulator knows this. Repeating (his demands) and by using subtle techniques designed at "conditioning" a woman a man wants to control, or abuse: she slowly becomes acclimated...Usually they will use their charm, introduce taboo or even highly sexually language, mannerisms (during sex) and while together to aid in this condition...The final nail in the coffin begins once she is "in love" and HE sees it: and
uses it to his advantage: it's a tough thing to break once a person becomes seemingly brainwashed, making excuses for his behavior, his whatever.

[vashti]

Women who stay in abusive relationships gain their sense of self esteem by being "better" than their abuser, in a weird sort of way. If he continues abusing her, she will have everyone's sympathy and will get to be the "victim", and if he ever stops, people will believe it was because she was so strong and helped him improve. It's an extremely messed up win/win situation.

[girl68]

Not sure but I do know one thing:

Attention does not equal confidence/ self esteem. In fact if you get enough of it I'd argue it could chip even further away at it the reasoning being: I'm so hot, but no one has ever said what I nice, caring, kind sweet person I am. Maybe I'm not at all a good person, maybe I just look good. And if that's all I got, who the hell should ever treat me more than a peice of pretty meat?

[Take2]

Women who stay in abusive relationships gain their sense of self esteem by being "better" than their abuser, in a weird sort of way. If he continues abusing her, she will have everyone's sympathy and will get to be the "victim", and if he ever stops, people will believe it was because she was so strong and helped him improve. It's an extremely messed up win/win situation.

You think so? Abused women I have known have worked very hard to keep anyone from knowing they were being hurt. Because they feel like it is their fault.

It is a two-way thing. Abusers are good at choosing women who will stay in this kind of relationship-they look for women who are suckers for smooth talk and prone to being guilted. Then they woo these women HARD. They are amazingly charming and make it seem like they are worlds better than any other guy, completely willing to bend over backwards. And then when they lose their temper, they are good at deflecting the blame to the woman AND promising it will never happen again And for a while things are wonderful again, and the woman convinces herself the guy is awesome and it WAS her fault that he got so mad and she can just not make that mistake again. It's not like he punches her on their first date, the relationship and dependency grows for a while first.

And the women are drawn to this type of guy, due to their upbringing and expectations. These jerks seem more exciting and loving than healthy guys. They come in with NO expectations and dedicated to making the woman happy. And the abusers really do feel they need this woman-often when the woman leaves they become homicidal because of the strong NEED they feel to keep her or at least keep anyone else from having her.

It's a classic pattern, and neither participant is emotionally healthy.

[red_sparrow]

thats so sad that there are guys like this out there!

sadly, i think my mom fell victim to this trap, but she divorced my father the first time he touched her. She now is married to a wonderful man who i call my father. but thank God because she was thinking of me and not having to put me through that. that's ironic, i think, when people say they will 'stay for the kids' in an abusive relationship. you're not doing them any favour. you're just showing them that men have the power to do anything they want to women.

i am glad i found someone who is not an abuser, and who is vehemently against women being abused. i know this because he's definitely not a 'people-pleaser', so to speak...

[GK001]

You think so? Abused women I have known have worked very hard to keep anyone from knowing they were being hurt. Because they feel like it is their fault.

It is a two-way thing. Abusers are good at choosing women who will stay in this kind of relationship-they look for women who are suckers for smooth talk and prone to being guilted. Then they woo these women HARD. They are amazingly charming and make it seem like they are worlds better than any other guy, completely willing to bend over backwards. And then when they lose their temper, they are good at deflecting the blame to the woman AND promising it will never happen again And for a while things are wonderful again, and the woman convinces herself the guy is awesome and it WAS her fault that he got so mad and she can just not make that mistake again. It's not like he punches her on their first date, the relationship and dependency grows for a while first.

And the women are drawn to this type of guy, due to their upbringing and expectations. These jerks seem more exciting and loving than healthy guys. They come in with NO expectations and dedicated to making the woman happy. And the abusers really do feel they need this woman-often when the woman leaves they become homicidal because of the strong NEED they feel to keep her or at least keep anyone else from having her.

It's a classic pattern, and neither participant is emotionally healthy.

holy crap. you just hit the nail on the head. that is exactly what happened with the girl i tried to help who went back to her abusive ex. she has a soft-heart, very easily guilted, always blame her self from things she did (endlessly) even small things, wont listen to positives and dont look into the future. even during the recovery period after the abuse, she would blame her self even though she didnt do anything wrong. i would ask her "why are you blaming your self?" she would reply "i dont know even though i didnt do anything wrong".
shes tall and attractive its not like she has no options in other man. she came from a divorced family i wonder if that has anything to do with it...

how do you spot those women with those mental issues? it would really destroy a man's confidence lol even if your a "Alpha male" she would still destroy you.

[MynameisJesus]

how do you spot those women with those mental issues? it would really destroy a man's confidence lol even if your a "Alpha male" she would still destroy you.

I always try to find out who the ex boyfriends are, especially the last one. How did the relationship work? Who broke up and why? How long did it last? Usually there is a clear pattern in what women are drawn to. I don't start anything with a girl that was in an abusive relationship because I believe she is mentally unstable and brings trouble. Often the good guys like me are just used to get over the abuser

[SelflessnHumble]

how do you spot those women with those mental issues? it would really destroy a man's confidence lol even if your a "Alpha male" she would still destroy you.

It's possible to be a strong, Alpha male but also have the same quality a perceived nice guy would have.
2nd, it's so easy to spot these women (but a glance alone won't cut it)

In my experience: meet the parents, OR talk to her about them. See how she reacts.
How close were they, were they shown affection? These are the easy ones to seek out.
The harder ones: next to impossible to figure out. It's all programmed in their mind. Once they associate the abuse
with how they "were" treated they can become different people, it's true.

While it's true you can't lump women into a perfectly created category: the similarities are uncanny: as are those who abuse.

Abusive men look for: shy, socially awkward girls and use keen observation to detect "types" of people based on their projections.
(people who write I with lower cases tend to have low self esteem)
People who look down (avoiding eye contact) also (tend) have low self esteem.

An abusive man will say things to give back handed compliments which slowly condition(s) the girl to accept put downs.
It's all about control and abused women love to be controlled as it has been said.

A very good sex partner can heavily influence a woman's perception to appease abuse and welcome it.

An abused woman is much like the posters here who solicit for advice: get it: but don't listen to the positive and do what they should do...for the same reasons.
They don't feel that they need to change: meaning they won't.

[vashti]

You think so?

Yes. That's why I said it.

It doesn't have to be other people's sympathy she gets... it can be only her own. A lot of people want to be martyrs.

[AMansView]

It's a creepy sign of affection. Bad affection is better than no affection. Yeah, that topic trips me out too.
[url=http://www.whatagirllikes.com/]Home - What A Girl Likes[/url]

[MynameisJesus]

A very good sex partner can heavily influence a woman's perception to appease abuse and welcome it.

As a virgin I can't tell for sure, but I think that is the true foundation of most relationships

[twinrexes]

You think so? Abused women I have known have worked very hard to keep anyone from knowing they were being hurt. Because they feel like it is their fault.

It is a two-way thing. Abusers are good at choosing women who will stay in this kind of relationship-they look for women who are suckers for smooth talk and prone to being guilted. Then they woo these women HARD. They are amazingly charming and make it seem like they are worlds better than any other guy, completely willing to bend over backwards. And then when they lose their temper, they are good at deflecting the blame to the woman AND promising it will never happen again And for a while things are wonderful again, and the woman convinces herself the guy is awesome and it WAS her fault that he got so mad and she can just not make that mistake again. It's not like he punches her on their first date, the relationship and dependency grows for a while first.

And the women are drawn to this type of guy, due to their upbringing and expectations. These jerks seem more exciting and loving than healthy guys. They come in with NO expectations and dedicated to making the woman happy. And the abusers really do feel they need this woman-often when the woman leaves they become homicidal because of the strong NEED they feel to keep her or at least keep anyone else from having her.

It's a classic pattern, and neither participant is emotionally healthy.

This is exactly right. The woman's upbringing sets her up as the perfect target for abuse. She wasn't given a healthy foundation at home. She may have felt she never got the love or acceptance she needed from one or both parents (or worse yet was abused at home). It's very common to go out into the world and unconsciously recreate our family dynamic in our adult relationship because it feels comfortable. (Hence the term "familiar"). So the pattern is repeated, but this time I think the adult longs for a different outcome. If she can only play out her childhood drama but have it end with mommy or daddy showering love and attention on her. She's so determined to "win" this time, that she'll keep crawling back, hoping that if she can just get it right, her abuser will stop. Which never happens, of course.

[GK001]

This is exactly right. The woman's upbringing sets her up as the perfect target for abuse. She wasn't given a healthy foundation at home. She may have felt she never got the love or acceptance she needed from one or both parents (or worse yet was abused at home). It's very common to go out into the world and unconsciously recreate our family dynamic in our adult relationship because it feels comfortable. (Hence the term "familiar"). So the pattern is repeated, but this time I think the adult longs for a different outcome. If she can only play out her childhood drama but have it end with mommy or daddy showering love and attention on her. She's so determined to "win" this time, that she'll keep crawling back, hoping that if she can just get it right, her abuser will stop. Which never happens, of course.

I heard this quite a lot from the girl that went back to her abusive boyfriend "i'll do what ever i can to make my family wonderful". she did came from a broken family, she got blamed a lot from her parents and even relatives while growing up. you guys are pin pointing everything here.
I'm afraid the abusive boyfriend would get her pregnant this time to have complete control, which would be the final nail on the coffin. Is it possible for her to realize her problem without getting completely destroyed?
i wouldnt want to be that guy thats always there for her. cos i know next time when shit hits the fan its gonna be even more nasty.