One set of rules for her and another set of rules for me...(Plus, she reads my texts)

[dannyp196]

Sorry for such a long post, I hope you'll take the time to read it...

Basically, my girlfriend and I have been going out for around 11 months. We tell each other that we are very much in love with each other, and she delights in talking about our future together. Pets, houses, ceremonies etc. To be blunt, I would say that it is quite a controlling relationship. She understands now that she can control me by sending me on guilt trips or playing the sympathy card. There are reasons for me to take sympathy however: her mother and step-father have moved to a foreign country, and she doesn't have any contact with her father anymore. She is very much on her own. She misses her mother dearly and a great deal of the time she feels as though she has no one to talk to. Her mother was her best friend.

I suppose that the relationship has always been the same. We spend an intense amount of time together, and whenever I say that I may be going for a drink with one of my male friends, her mood changes immediately. She goes silent, she doesn't really respond when I try and carry on the conversation. She'll stare at the ground and whenever I ask her questions like "What would you like for tea?" or "Shall I put a film on?" she'll just shrug or say "I don't care...do what you want" whilst maintaining eye contact with the floor.

On the odd occassion, if we've been out with friends to the cinema for example, and they say they're going for a drink and I say that I might fancy a pint or two (meaning that I'd like her to come as well), her mood changes immediately and she says she's going home..and she tells me "Just do what you want!" in a dismissive but somewhat aggressive tone. Of course, if it's the other way around and she wants to go for a drink, it's a completely different story. She's allowed to go for drinks with whoever she wants, whenever she wants.

Over the last few weeks, a guy from my course would constantly turn up at her house with bottles of wine and they'd sit and watch films together..on her bed. He'd give her foot massages. Whenever I expressed my displeasure at this, she'd say I was being silly and that I had nothing to worry about. She'd treat me as though I was being insanely paranoid and that I had a problem. Yet, she's insanely jealous if any other girl even tries to talk to me in the street. She treats me as if it's my fault and I've done something wrong. She texts him all the time, but if I was texting another girl she'd storm out. Sometimes she brings up girls that I have maybe kissed in the past before I even met her and she's gets in a mood about it. I can't win. I haven't done anything wrong.

ANYWAYS, over the last few weeks, the whole not being able to go anywhere or do anything without her getting grumpy with me was starting to wear on my nerves. One night she stormed off when I said I was going to go for a drink. She said she was going home. Stupidly, to show her she was more important, I said "Right..fine..I'm going home too" and I headed off in my direction. Half way home, I realised I should go for a drink so I headed back. As I was nearly there she runs up behind me and says "I knew you'd go back out!" before claiming that she only ran back to apologise to me, and that she wasn't going to bother now.

I spoke to a female friend of mine about it over texts. One night I did end up going out with my male friend just for a couple of drinks. I was trying to get over a hurdle. Being a bit tipsy, when my female friend texts me asking if I had a good night, I responded by saying "Yes. Went out regardless of her mood ".

This morning my girlfriend went through my phone, found that message and stormed out, saying that she'd never been so angry in her life. She also revealed that she always checks my phone without me knowing.

She always deletes all the messages in her inbox and sentbox, because I've seen her doing it. She claims it's because she doesn't like her memory getting too full.



AM I A COMPLETE IDIOT FOR BEING WITH THIS GIRL? HAVE I JUST WRITTEN MY OWN DEATH WISH ABOVE?

[Yet another guy]

AM I A COMPLETE IDIOT FOR BEING WITH THIS GIRL?

You are, I'm afraid. She has some serious issues, lacks the ability to express them properly and doesn't take your feelings into account.

At first I tought she might act like that because she has some traumatic experience of an abusive alcoholic in the family or something like that, but if she has no problems drinking herself... she seems all crazy to me.

[xxazurexx]

AM I A COMPLETE IDIOT FOR BEING WITH THIS GIRL?

Do you really need people to tell you are?

So why are you still there?

Obviously you dont mind this behaviour and when you CHOOSE to stay.

So what is the point of your posting?

[HeartIsAching]

AM I A COMPLETE IDIOT FOR BEING WITH THIS GIRL? HAVE I JUST WRITTEN MY OWN DEATH WISH ABOVE?

Yeah, pretty much. She's highly controlling and she's abusive in several ways. That guy who's watching movies with her and giving her foot massages? He's either bangin' her or will be soon. Get the hell away from her ASAP.

[hello1]

She is properly just VERY insecure. I admit I can act like your girlfriend does and it really not nice having that constant fear in your head, and I promise you it's nothing to do with you! it could be anyone.

About the guy on the bed, she is just pushing her luck there BIG TIME. Would she allow you to do it? no way! she dump you first. Want her to stop? well be a man and stick up for yourself

[Boisdevie]

She is not worth staying with. She is a control freak, a drama queen. I've been there, done that, and its not worth it. RUN AWAY

[girl68]

Yep you crazy for staying with a grazy girl. RUN for your freedom, for reals.

[ashley89]

she's definitely controlling you and walking all over you. you haven't done anything wrong! you've given her no reason not to trust you. she wants to manipulate you and make you feel bad for not spending every waking moment with her, but that's not normal. you two need your seperate space and she isn't giving that to you. if she refuses to let you go out and get a drink once in awhile with friends, or has to go through your phone, I'd say move along to someone who you can be yourself with and will alllow you to have the freedom you deserve while still being in a relationship

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Stop being such a pussy, and just let her sulk away when she tries to guilt trip you. Honestly though, you need to just break up with her. When she starts trying to guilt trip you into staying(she definitely will), tell her to seek comfort in her other friend, while you look for someone better suited for you.

[QuietProfession]

okay, this is gonna be a semilong reply. i knew from the title "one set of rules for her, another set of rules for me" that ive been in the exact same situation that you have. and after reading through your story it is exactly the same as what i went through - only slight details are different.

my friend, this woman is mentally broken. i know its hard because youve been together for so long, but your relationship with her is in no way shape or form healthy. i will go through a few points.

She understands now that she can control me by sending me on guilt trips or playing the sympathy card.

get rid of her. this is called emotional manipulation. just walk away. i know its hard, youre afraid of losing her so you give into her games - but stop. you need to get out of this situation.

We spend an intense amount of time together, and whenever I say that I may be going for a drink with one of my male friends, her mood changes immediately. She goes silent, she doesn't really respond when I try and carry on the conversation. She'll stare at the ground and whenever I ask her questions like "What would you like for tea?" or "Shall I put a film on?" she'll just shrug or say "I don't care...do what you want" whilst maintaining eye contact with the floor. On the odd occassion, if we've been out with friends to the cinema for example, and they say they're going for a drink and I say that I might fancy a pint or two (meaning that I'd like her to come as well), her mood changes immediately and she says she's going home..and she tells me "Just do what you want!" in a dismissive but somewhat aggressive tone. Of course, if it's the other way around and she wants to go for a drink, it's a completely different story. She's allowed to go for drinks with whoever she wants, whenever she wants.

shes isolating you via emotional manipulation and guilting, meanwhile mainting her independence.

i would pull anchor and get the **** out of that harbor before she sinks your ship.

Over the last few weeks, a guy from my course would constantly turn up at her house with bottles of wine and they'd sit and watch films together..on her bed. He'd give her foot massages.

she wont even let you see friends of the same sex, yet she will get intimate (sorry - hanging out in bed is intimate) with a member of the opposite sex? my friend there is a very high chance that she is ****ing that man.

tell her to get the **** out of your life.

Whenever I expressed my displeasure at this, she'd say I was being silly and that I had nothing to worry about. She'd treat me as though I was being insanely paranoid and that I had a problem.

shes trying to avoid accounting for her inappropraite behavior by throwing you off balance and putting you on the defensive. this is also known as "projecting" - abusers very often play the victim role blame their actions on others.

I can't win. I haven't done anything wrong.

my friend, you have already taken the first major step on the road to recovering from this experience and saving yourself a nasty fate. if things continue she can get you into all sorts of horrible trouble - financial, legal, etc. it only gets worse from here. i can already tell this woman has "borderline personality disorder". but dont take my word for it my friend. look it up for yourself. also look up "signs of an abusive spouse" and see how many boxes you end up filling in.

[URL="http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/"]resource[/URL]

[URL="http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm"]resource[/URL]

[URL="http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/"]resource[/URL]

as you read, things may click in your head. a light may go off. you may even feel afraid, even terrified. my friend you are not alone. you will be okay. all you have to do is get yourself away from her and end it. you cannot help her. she will destroy you if you let her.

if you fear for your safety or property, change your number, change your locks, make sure all your credit cards and sensitive documents are accounted for and under lock and key.

people are here for you.

[ftm]

AM I A COMPLETE IDIOT FOR BEING WITH THIS GIRL? HAVE I JUST WRITTEN MY OWN DEATH WISH ABOVE?

You are the victim of psychological abuse. Stand up for yourself and get out before this ruins your future relationships for years.

Tell you what: have a slumber party with a lady friend in your bed while you rub this lady's back and feet. Erase all of yoru emails and text messages before your GF has a chance to read them. Get bent out of shape whenever she wants to do anything that doesn't involve you. She'll leave you within a week, and you'll have some fun in the process.

Don't lie down for this bitch. She's only doing it because you let her.

[Sarcasticshoe]

She sounds rather insane! SERIOUSLY.... props for staying with her as long as you have. Maybe you should talk to her and find the route cause of her neurotic behavior... perhaps this is a symptom of some deep insecurity.
but you know, if your girlfriend is going through your personal phone, you need to draw the line.
that is not acceptable!
Good luck with this one!

[dannyp196]

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded. In a sense, I knew what you were all going to say. I know how possessive and insecure she is...but you know when you just have to hear other people say it?

But seriously, thank you. Just reading your responses has made me feel less guilty about my own feelings towards the matter.

[girl68]

Yeah great, so what are you going to do about it?

[Snacky7]

OH man! Sorry you've got yourself into such a bad situation in this relationship. As much as you think you guys might love each other, this doesn't sound like real love. She obviously doesn't trust you at all. And you haven't done anything - that's just her issues and are most likely never going to change. Don't think it will just get better with time - it won't. Please try to picture you life with her like this years from now, but with her even more controlling and untrusting.... not worth it mate!