Depressed, Confused, and dont know what to do.

[Cinnabella]

Calm down man!!!! Try to control yourself and stay with your family, you need them! Give her space and give her a chance to miss you, try it for a week to see how you and her will feel!!! I trust you can do it, those can't eat and sleep are normal for the first days! Keep trying, you will feel better!

[DarkHelmet82]

its been 9 days

[DarkHelmet82]

i think im going to send her a message today.. just saying hello

[Stephanie Fox]

Yea it does sound like bi-polar.... Very quick mood changes and turning into a different person as well.
I mean try to talk to her.. As friends. Show her that you are concerned about her. And it's not normal.
Maybe she has a good excuse behaving like this. Who knows...
Maybe if she sees that she can trust you with her problems and you accept it as well it might change her mind.

BUT she is a woman she is 23 and you know what they are like then... :S CONFUSING
Anyway chin up mate. xx Steph

[DarkHelmet82]

so i contacted her.. i couldnt take it.. I was very cool.. just mentioned something funny. She responded right away. I than asked her about a job she was applying for. She again responded quickly. If i dont hear from her I will try and contact her again next week. But I think this is a step in the right direction.... I dont want to scare her away by asking about the breakup.. I will but when the moment is right.

[Ollie76]

Yup, it sounds like the eating disorder is messing with her. I went through the exact same thing with my GF two years ago. She hid a eating disorder and when I found out she started to become more distant and also had these bi-polar episodes. These episodes were ****ing weird, one day she says I'm the love of her life and the next day something totally opposite which left me scratching my head. She asked for a break, and saw a shrink a few times (I think twice), she hated the shrink, stopped going and decided she would kick the disorder on her own. I made sure that I communicated to her that I had her back and will fully support her. Then, things started to get back to normal. During this period (about a month), there was much less contact between us so you should probably expect this as well.

As far as your break up, I think your doing okay with the "less contact". As you know, I'm going through some shit very similar but the only difference is that I plan to do no contact until VDAY with flowers and a subtle note and I ****ing hope it works. You should probably be planning something similar my friend but DO NOT sound desperate if you decide to also write a note.

Just hang in there man. It's rough, I know, but I don't think any damage has been made to your relationship. Meaning, there was no cheating, beating or abuse so I would consider this situation a small hiccup that all relationships go through.

[DarkHelmet82]

well she did kick the disorder but I am afraid it has manifested itself into something else. In terms of Valentines, I dont want to do too much and make it look like I am desperate... Especailly because she did break it off. I really want to do something but is it too much? Same goes for you, I think you should maybe not do flowers and wait. Being alone on Valentines day may force her hand and contact you. That is what i am hoping at least.

But yeah it is ****ing weird.... She couldnt get enough of me for a month.. then suddenly Sorry.. This happened once before too. Her excuse was "she gets bored easy." and "I was trying to feel something, which is why i gave you mixed signals." Bullshit! Nobody pretends, and if they do not for that long and that much!

The more I think about it the more Im thinking she got scared and didnt know how to deal with it. Like I said this happened EXACTLY a month before she did it this last time. PMS maybe.. could be but doubtful... The first time she cried too...

Why do I always attract the crazy girls

[Leviia]

I had anorexia way back when I was a teenager .. I've since gotten help for it through counseling and alot of support. Did she ever go for counseling for it? Sometimes eating disorders are like alcoholics ...... at least it was for me I HAD to stop being anorexic because I was pregnant. I got really resentful and hateful towards everyone but it wasn't them I hated it was myself. My self image was totally crap (I am 6 foot and I only weight like 145 back then) But I'm a healthy 175 now I exercise and eat right and take care of myself. I took alot of self respect classes as well.

Sometimes when a girl flip flops like that she is fighting with her emotions. She wants a strong man who will be there for her but also a strong man that takes care of himself. Basically don't let her walk all over you and keep you dangling on a string. Do what's called the 180 technique ..... look it up cause it's really hard to explain lol. It's about taking care of you so that YOU are happy and healthy and THAT right there is attractive.

Other than that I am not sure .....

[DarkHelmet82]

I had anorexia way back when I was a teenager .. I've since gotten help for it through counseling and alot of support. Did she ever go for counseling for it? Sometimes eating disorders are like alcoholics ...... at least it was for me I HAD to stop being anorexic because I was pregnant. I got really resentful and hateful towards everyone but it wasn't them I hated it was myself. My self image was totally crap (I am 6 foot and I only weight like 145 back then) But I'm a healthy 175 now I exercise and eat right and take care of myself. I took alot of self respect classes as well.

Sometimes when a girl flip flops like that she is fighting with her emotions. She wants a strong man who will be there for her but also a strong man that takes care of himself. Basically don't let her walk all over you and keep you dangling on a string. Do what's called the 180 technique ..... look it up cause it's really hard to explain lol. It's about taking care of you so that YOU are happy and healthy and THAT right there is attractive.

Other than that I am not sure .....

thats interesting.. she did mention something about me being myself and i need to be more wild... dont try to impress her because "she loves me the way I am." When she was ending it she said, I have to be happy being alone, because she is. She said she will probably be single forever and shes OK with that.

Its just the SUDDEN AND EXTREME changes that have me scratching my haed.

I cant find anything on the 180 technique... its all bmx moves and things of that nature

[Leviia]

Here's the info on 180 from another forum I used to visit ... I don't now because the other guy posts there ..

Q: What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It

A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)


There's also a link that explains it much more in depth and I'll try to locate it and link it for you. WS= wayward spouse, OW.OM = other woman other man this was designed and remade for married people but it applies to just about every relationship.

[DarkHelmet82]

What is my next step here? I plan on talking to her again.. im thinking AFTER valentines.. but do I just be casual and ask her if she wants to hang out? Do I just send her a random "hello"...Do i attempt to get answers to why she broke it off? I think I do need some answers eventually as she has given me none so far and left me with a huge weight on my chest.

[SelflessnHumble]

Hello,
I am 28 yr old male from NY. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and am one of the "nice guys." I am not a pushover.. but I am not the type of guy who treats women or people for that matter like crap...

Point 1: Women generally don't like "nice guys" even though they will tell you that they do.
They like confident, assertive and men that know what they want, not indecisiveness nor insecurity...Why?

Women don't like the competition.
See, women are emotional based people...They run on emotions like most men run off reason, logic and common sense.
This doesn't mean men are smarter; because both bring interesting perspectives: together.

My girlfriend went from saying "I am super attracted to you and I love you the way you are" last friday.. to Saturday saying "we need to talk" and then ending it last Sunday. Why the complete change? I was gonna contact her tomorrow.. but do you think that is too soon, or should I wait until AFTER valentines day. I dont want her to think im calling her BECAUSE of Valentines day. Even though I'd like too. Should i contact her at all? Problem is she would be afraid to contact me even if she wanted too.

Without you providing some key background information, all we can do is to speculate as to the "why" she does what she does...What I can tell you (based on FACT) is this:

Women can *FEEL* super attracted to you and I love you" BECAUSE (wait for it)
That is how they felt: AT The Time! Meaning: their feelings are subject to change without notice...

It is possible she stopped liking you, or uses her own insecurities to push you away or hurt you to make herself feel
slightly better, she could have involuntary hormone imbalances that affect her in ways you may not think possible.

Many people suffer from mental illnesses even though they can psuedo-function somewhat normally in society.
Since I've dated a handful of women who had eating disorders I can tell you the common denominator stemmed from
them not liking who they were, nor how they look: which affects how they in turn *feel*

Even worse: *FEELINGS* lie to us dude. All the time, just like yours lie to you now.
So you look for a release, or a coping mechanism...Hers is or was an eating disorder which could possibly be
not the core issue, but just a physical manifestation of the underlying cause; whether seen or unknown.

I dont want her to think i've totally moved on... or do I? Please help. We haven't spoken in a week. Thank you I miss her voice, her smell, and simply just being with her
thank you for the help

The fact is: she has issues man...And unless she is willing to face them: nothing you ever or say will be good enough
once her impulsive and erratic behavioral mechanisms surface...This explains why she could love you one minute, then
want to leave you the next. She honestly doesn't KNOW what to do, so she does everything. Good or bad.

heres more info...
On friday amongst the things ive already said she got pretty drunk and told me she had an eating disorder. i DID NOT judge her and was very supportive. we also had sex (not the first time.). on saturday she told me she wanted to stay home and relax and then txted me 6 hours later saying "we need to talk.". on sunday she said she didnt feel it and that i deserve someone who will love me with all their heart. she also said she gets bored easy and said this was her longest relationship shes had and her first real one. she said she wants to br able to hang out with her friends, i said i did too... but than said she wants to spend everdsy with her boyfriend... doesnt make any sense. she than said she wanted to be friends and said "maybe we can get drinks sometime.... call me if you want to talk" told her i couldnt be friends. she then asked me for a hug which i reluctantly gave.

Why pretend to be into someone for months... it doesnt make sense. she was TOTALLy into me than something changed and literally overnight...

1st off, You cannot reverse engineer, solve and figure people out like a jigsaw puzzle.
People are more like mass produced chinese furniture...meaning sometimes you get left over parts, some don't fit
and others fit perfectly, then the wiring could be reversed or abnormal...She honestly understands that her behavior IS NOT good for you; which is why she feels you deserve better (because you do) She doesn't love you, nor with all her heart.

I'd prefer to say soul, because the *heart* lies to you....You should never follow it: lead it instead. Get in control.
It doesn't have to make "sense" what she says or does: she is emotionally irrational...meaning nonsensical.

I do know that things like eating disorders, even if you are able to overcome it manifests itself into other things.

I am just utterly confused. I was so shocked of her reasons that I really did not say what I wanted.

Now this will really have you guessing. exactly a month (to the day) before she did this, she tried to end it. Her reason than was similar "I dont feel the same." But i managed to get more out of her. She felt we were moving too fast and I suspect she got worried about a job offer that I may or may not take. I told her we could definitely slow down, and things were great from that point. About four hours after that conversation she SPED UP and was more "clingy" (for lack of a better word) than she was before.

Dude, she doesn't have to *SAY* reasons that you would deem satisfactory in order to understand that she has issues:
and they are only further exacerbated by being with you, don't you see? This part is your fault right here:

She said she felt you were moving too fast....Check.
Next, you say you could slow down...
THEN: You allowed her to be more clingy???? Oh Kay!
We all know she isn't functioning on all cylinders...Since You know this:
you have better judgment than she does: you knew better but took the clingy-ness because you like it.

yeah i just dont know WHEN to call her... valentines day coming up puts a hinderance on it in my opinion..bipolar huh? hmmm ive never seen her take any medication but its possible she has it and doesnt know it?

See that? People always want to figure shit out: and get answers as to why people are * or * -suffice to say: it doesn't fly.
There is no right or wrong here...You could call, and it could piss her off and call you too clingy...OR she could love
to see you, but then get mad that you only called her, but didn't want to see her. -You never know with crazy people-

well said... if she truely doesnt know how she feels, dont i want to just giver her space and/or time? Sorry for asking all these questions, i just dont want to make a mistake and do the wrong thing.

Questions are good; it tells us you want to learn.
First off you don't give her space. You need to sit her down, and talk to her face to face
with humble, inviting and compassionate communication...She is damaged goods right now, so you must have
love, patience and understanding no matter what she does or says due to her mentality.

If you need advice on what to say: PM me. I can handle coo-koo people pretty easily being with
psychopaths that are still in prison today for attempted murder among other crimes (no joke!) And you think you're the
only one to think you always attract the crazy ones!!!

yeah... maybe i should contact her and find out.. she has told me she has a hard time expressing her feelings... i feel like i should wait though... its just sooo hard

You don't contact her to find out.
You do it face to face. You don't tell her: you show her...you involve her so that SHE can understand
how: you feel. From there if she chooses to invalidate your feelings after you've given point of view...
Then you can tell her that it cannot go on like this while she refuses to address her issues by seeking resolution...
Which can only come from accepting she has a problem: and taking responsibility for these problems...

Im going crazy.. i dont think i can make it another day... i losing my mind i dont know what to do.. this is affecting everything.. i barely eat, hardly sleep,

This is what I used to do, man...The issue here is:
YOU must learn that you cannot control what is out of your control...YOU are in your control. SHE and what she does is not.
You are CHOOSING to allow her bullshit: to ruin you, lose your mind, sleep, and your appetite. <----This is wrong.



When someone says they get bored easily: it is because they are unstable. Not your fault.
When a relationship is new: everything is perfect...Once reality sets in: most people do not adapt to change, which is
why they simply leave people hanging...The fact is: you don't deserve this bullshit and she needs help.

Now that you know this: you are just hurting yourself: she isn't doing it to you anymore. You are doing it to: yourself.
Remember what I said about nice guys? Sure, you may be cute, but when your cuteness wears off (and it will)
what do you have to offer besides this: Being a nice guy? Nice guys finish last, dude....

Women love mystery, spontaneity, a men who challenges them physically and intellectually.
They want action, they want romance, they want to have their hair pulled, their a$$ spanked with hand prints
that don't come off their skin for days...They want it all...They want a man who can provide variety...

Not all are like this: BUT the common denominator I see:
You nice guy + girl who gets easily bored = trainwreck.

It is possible she may have been sexually abused before, and THIS is another talk altogether.
Since you've never asked what the source is for her pain (and she does harbor a deep rooted pain) you won't know.





thats interesting.. she did mention something about me being myself and i need to be more wild... dont try to impress her because "she loves me the way I am." When she was ending it she said, I have to be happy being alone, because she is. She said she will probably be single forever and shes OK with that.

Its just the SUDDEN AND EXTREME changes that have me scratching my haed.

I cant find anything on the 180 technique... its all bmx moves and things of that nature

Last edited by DarkHelmet82; Today at 03:43 PM.

[DarkHelmet82]

Wow...Thanks for the response... Well being nice is who I am.. Like i said earlier Im not a pushover but im not going to be an asshole just because. I was assertive as well as confident... but I do see your point... if thats how she viewed me its too late at this point huh?

I know a lot of married and happy people who married nice guys.. My sister and my mother to name a few

Im going to keep reading as this is very helpful.

[AMansView]

Valentines day is the day wombmen do their update checks on you brah. They start thinking to themselves if you are husband material or what they want in life. If you have any bad marks Valentines Day doubles those marks. Let her contact you.
[url=http://www.whatagirllikes.com/]Home - What A Girl Likes[/url]

[DarkHelmet82]

I have been replaying my situation over and over....

Can we agree that what my ex has been saying I cant necessarily believe based on the assumption she may be a little nuts. OK so if that is the case.
saying she gets bored easy = false
saying she doesnt feel it = false

She came over that friday night with intent to stay over and us hang out on Saturday. She had a change of clothes etc., we were even talking about the plans for the day on friday.... SOMETHING changed and SUDDENLY. I think she got emabrrassed about the eating disorder. I dont know what else it could be, but if that was the case why is she not contacting me? I need to find out what her deal is... i cant wait until next week

Selfless why do you think she possibly got sexually abused? what gave you that idea?