Why am i so bad at this?

[JadenMia]

Lately, i cannot help get the feeling i am in the wrong relationship.
It bugs me when we are apart, and is like a constant nagging feeling that i know i could do better.. and that i deserve so much more. It doesnt help when my friends are constantly telling me this, so i tend not to talk to my friends about this at all anymore..Which is what brings me here.


I know my boyfriend is selfish, hes immature.. And im pretty sure he's not ready for the things in life that i am. I have a daughter and would like to settle down in the very near future. Yet he talks of kids and settling down marriage style as a thing that is in like 10 years away.. lol

I love him to pieces, we have so much fun together.. Its like this euphoric love i have never really felt before in my life. We could sit for hours together and not talk and still have fun. I know he feels the same way as i do.. He always wants to be with me, constantly texting and calling and shows me non-stop affection when we are together.

Its the everyday life we dont mix well with.. Which is obviously a HUGE problem.
He doesnt always respect my needs and wishes and i could probably say i do the same.

Today when i asked 'Are in love with me? In the way you could see yourself spending your life with me..'
His answer was 'If things between us got better, i would consider marrying you someday.. If it felt right.'

Sometimes i feel as i am wasting my love and time on this man.. I love him, cannot bear the thought of me not being with him.. But at the same time, i feel like im being a coward and not getting what i really deserve in life.

When i tell him how i feel, he laughs and explains this is not a fairytale story.. It is real life and i should grow up and stop being so impatient. I am almost scared he is right.. I always thought i would grow up and live a life with a man that made me feel beautiful and special. Not scared and miserable..

These feelings will not leave me alone, it sometimes just makes me horribly sad even when i am at work i feel like a zombie just constantly thinking about it.
What is wrong with me!?

Why am i so bad at understanding when it is time to leave.. I stay and will be miserable until it is forced that i have to be alone..I dont want to make the same mistake as i did with my first love..
Has anyone any advice?? Please and thankyou.

[wild_nikita]

Hello,

I can relate to your problem. I felt like that in a lousy relationship and I'm feeling like that now. Our perspective of the future when we are kids is so simple and when we grow up we see everything is so hard !

I can't really give you an advice because it's very difficult to do something in your situation... you love him and he loves you back, it's not easy to end a relationship when you're feeling loved and having fun. I guess with time you'll see if he's the right person or not. I'm feeling a zombie as well, always thinking about my love problems, but really only time reveals if our choices and dedication to a person are right or wrong.

I'm sorry for this lousy help

[JadenMia]

That wasnt lousy help, thankyou..As much as i feel bad someone else feels this way. Its also nice to know i am not the only one going out of my mind with these thoughts..

You are so right.. How are you supposed to leave someone when you love them so much and know you are loved back. Just in the wrong way.

Ahh. I really hope an answer comes to me soon, I honestly wish that it will come soon everynight

[SelflessnHumble]

The both of you are too different people and you cannot respect who he is: just as he doesn't respect who YOU are...
he cannot marry you when he's selfish and immature (and probably more than that) because this doesn't fly.

Fun doesn't = reality. He is right, this isn't a fairy tale and you see your relationship in this fashion which isn't proportional towards the actual reality: this is why you are so bad at "this."
You aren't in love with him: you are in love with what you "have" (hint hint) and what you've shared and invested in...

The fact he "made" you feel special and beautiful is the wrong road to take...YOU should make yourself feel beautiful and special, not rely on someone else to prop you up.

These feelings don't leave you alone because you are unwilling to take responsibility for your actions and for the truth...Instead you fill your mind with lies and excuses to avoid facing the truth.

He isn't in the same place mentally as you are...
Your daughter deserves to have a stable mother who provides security and love, not who chooses to be with someone who makes them feel and who obviously isn't ready for the kind of commitment you want...
Don't be selfish because this is what it is called when you think of yourself instead of looking at the other parties involved like him: but especially your child.
It's not easy to break up when you have a weak mind...but it's even worse to STAY with someone who doesn't feel the same -knowingly putting up with it due to some internal insecurity you hide from the rest of the world...

[JadenMia]

I agree with most of what you have said.
I do have horrible a horrible insecurity about myself although I know i can be happy being alone and i do make myself feel beautiful as he doesnt alot of the time. I have been through a lot of bullsh*t in my life which i believe has made me a stronger person as a result. I have always made things work as a single mother, i would never let anything get in the way of my daughters health or happiness. She is always my number one priority and nothing comes in between that, not even my relationship with this man. It may seem like my life revolves around this, but i honestly most of the time ignore the problems i think about so i can just get on with work, my daughter or everyday lifes chores.

When i get chance to actually sit down and try discuss this my partner, we have a heated discussion usually.. But it always ends up in a state of 'I dont care how many problems we have.. I love you too much for it to even be a problem'.. And then like that all my worries are gone. I feel i can make it work etc.. Its just everytime i am on my own I go over in my mind, i feel scared that i will lose him and that an end is going to come as we are not right for each other. I also fear i over analyze things way too much, i worry ALL the time.

I know he isnt in the same place mentally, that is the one thing that would make me leave. But i just cannot bring myself to leave, i AM in love with him. As i do respect the person he is, maybe not his actions.. But everyone does things that you are not going to agree with.. Nothing can be absolutely perfect. I just cannot imagine my life without him, it makes me sick to my stomach everytime i think what life would be like without him.. He is the most amazing person i have ever met, and i have never had so much in common with anyone in my life.. Its just the way we handle things in our relationship is very wrong. I just wish i could understand how i could get through to him.

Another thing i do understand.. Is i do fill my head up with excuses and most likely lies for me to stay with him.. But one thing i know i stay for is i know that i love him and he loves me right back.
Maybe a relationship cannot be held together by love alone.. But i sure am addicted and cant let it go.

Im sorry.. I just must be the most confused person in the world right now.. I make no sense even to myself when i think about this!!!
I keep thinking the time will just come, when he will push me to a limit that i KNOW i cannot stay with him. Like he blows me and my daughter off.. Or he blatantly disrespects me. Something like that.. But it never actually does. Which leads me to believe that sometimes is it just me that is over analysing things.

Most of my problem is knowing what is actually the right thing to do.

[EnjoyingLife]

When you become so internally focused on your problems you do tend to be miserable and zombie like. I find that doing things for other people makes me feel better. Your mind eventually calms and focuses on other things rather than just your own problems. You will then be thinking clearly and you will just know what to do. You can then work on becoming strong enough to leave if you're not getting what you want in the relationship. It's sad but sometimes two people want different things in a relationship and it's just the wrong timing, which really sucks when you both love each other. But you should always feel loved and beautiful in a relationship otherwise you might as well be on your own!

[RockNRoll]

Maybe a relationship cannot be held together by love alone..

Perhaps, you are right. In everyday life, we also need partnership and walking to the common goals. This is it, what makes the "real life" love different from a "fairytale" one - thinking about future and working towards it.

Today when i asked 'Are in love with me? In the way you could see yourself spending your life with me..'
His answer was 'If things between us got better, i would consider marrying you someday.. If it felt right.'

Sometimes i feel as i am wasting my love and time on this man.. I love him, cannot bear the thought of me not being with him.. But at the same time, i feel like im being a coward and not getting what i really deserve in life.

When i tell him how i feel, he laughs and explains this is not a fairytale story.. It is real life and i should grow up and stop being so impatient. I am almost scared he is right..

I wouldn't say that you are expecting a fairytale. There is nothing wrong with wanting to settle down and get married, and since you already have a daughter, I am sure you have a realistic view on it. If anything, he is the one who is trying to escape making big decisions and commitments (from what I read).

He is avoiding giving you an answer when you have this discussions. It's even not nice when he is laughing at your worries and downgrades your goals to a fairytale. I guess he really loves you, but he also plays this card to stop discussion. He avoids this topic, so it's natural that you can't make your decision and think about it a lot.

Also, his answer about getting married would have turned me down a lot! There are so many "if"s and probability! I usually see, that a loving man doesn't hesitate at least to make this decision in his mind. Maybe, I would have understood if your guy mentioned some deadlines or goals, like getting to some stage in career first, become more financially secure, travel, etc. But his answer really annoyed me, to be honest. Who does he think he is?! Does he think that you'll be waiting around endlessly while he is not even sure that it may "feel right"?! Also, what problems does he mean. I understood that the main problem is, that you are at different stages in life at the moment.

Sorry if I am going harsh about him, but to me he sounds like he is avoiding the whole topic, while it can be a dealbraker. You are right, you should get what you deserve and not be waisting your time. You told him that, but he didn't prove he's worthwhile yet. Maybe he is, I don't know. You need to be confident in your wishes. If settling down soon is what you really want - then with or without him, make sure you are not wasting your time.

I am sure you'll do well anyway. It's hard to do, but try to have a mental break from thinking about the whole thing. It will give your mind a rest and maybe decision will come once you get a fresh view on it.
_______
Updated: I read a few other your threads and I can see why your friends are telling you to run away from him, so did some people on here.

[JadenMia]

Yes, we definitely have had our problems. We had a horrible argument last year in October, which resulted in him calling me names in front of our friends and seriously embarrassing me. I left him the day after as i just could not forgive him. Probably more due to my dignity than anything else. He was heartbroken, he stayed at home constantly, crying everytime i spoke to him.. I saw him one time and he pretty much dropped to his knees crying to take him back.. It broke my heart

During our split which was probably around 2-3 months, i met someone else. I liked him, but this guy was just good on paper and i dont think i had actual strong feelings for him and he was helping greatly to forget about my partner as selfish as that sounds..
My only regret is that i did not tell my partner that i was meeting someone else whenever we spoke.. In January this year we decided to try again. I was miserable going out of my mind and i just couldnt say no anymore.. I love him with everything in me. So we started to see each other more often.. started off slowly.. And then he found out about my fling. Ever since he sees me as someone just trying to 'get some'.. He sees me as a liar, cheat.. I couldnt possibly love him. You name it. This is not true, i would never go behind his back. He satisfies me more than i can explain and i really dont feel a need to look else where.
Also, he was messaging other girls.. People we know and see to be exact but i havnt held it against him. Even though i feel embarrassed by it, i understand why he did.


So there are ihs problems with me.. I dont know what else to do to show him that i am trustworthy and loyal to him. I just see him as my best friend and i desperately dont want to lose him, it just hurts so bad to know this is how he feels about me and sees me as a person.

He always tried to avoid serious discussions lke this, whenever i ask of him if he could make a better effort with my daughter he says he thinks he is already. When he asks me what else do you want me to do? I never know how to put it into words and he always has an excuse. Before it was our problems we had to figure out.. Now its the fact he is on rest due to his surgery on a messed up ankle. Which i totally understand which is why i dont push the issue, it just feels like im always waiting for something.

Deep down, i know my wishes of having the happy family, more children a family home is far away with him.. I just dont know if our love is worth breaking for something like that. On top of that, i am terrified after i wait all this time for him, wait for him to financially ready, mentally ready.. What if he just gets up and leaves and figures im not what he wants in life anyway. I will be SO angry at myself.

So, yeah.. I am trying to make the best of things right now. Enjoy life with him as we do have amazing times when we are together. And that makes me truly happy in myself, I just cant seem to let that feeling go.

[HeartIsAching]

The name calling is emotional abuse. It's not ok, and the likelihood is that he'll do it (and worse!) again.

This whole bit:

Ever since he sees me as someone just trying to 'get some'.. He sees me as a liar, cheat.. I couldnt possibly love him. You name it. This is not true, i would never go behind his back. He satisfies me more than i can explain and i really dont feel a need to look else where.
Also, he was messaging other girls.. People we know and see to be exact but i havnt held it against him. Even though i feel embarrassed by it, i understand why he did.

is the result of his insecurity. It's not your problem, it's his. Both the problem he has with your seeing another guy during the breakup and him messaging other women, is all the result of his insecurity. Insecurity is the root of jealousy, cheating and promiscuity.

He needs to get help, if he really wants to make it work. If he doesn't, you're in for heartache and pain.

[JadenMia]

Yeah i agree with what you say, he acts like this big macho man.. Is loved by everyone and i felt SO lucky he chose to be with me.
But actually he acts like this little jealous angry boy who cannot be talked sense into.
I wish i could turn back time to when i never knew him.. I cant believe him right now..
For an update to you guys...

I am extrememly ill, and have been for the past few days. Until today i have been able to get about and do my business with my daughter with little problem and with the help of pain killers. Today i have woken up with a high fever and crazy painful migraines. I never ask for too much off him, he is a hot head and i like to keep the peace and him happy but today was too much. I asked at 7 in the morning if he would help me get up with my daughter get her dresses and fed etc.. He said he was too tired. I didnt take too much notice and continued to hobble around with the help of pain killers..
At 10 he finally got up, and came and kissed me, hugged me, did the affectionate thing which i love. But started complaining about how he was so tired. So didnt really do anything to help.. He got her a sandwhich when she asked him to and that seriously is it.

I didnt complain and eventually went over to my parents for a bit of help when they offered so i could sleep. While i was asleep, he messaged me a hundred times asking what i was doing, if i was blowing him off etc.. So i called him and he was out with friends drinking which he usually does every Friday, but i just assumed he might stay home with me to help out a little. When i got upset about it, and said that he wasnt helping as much as he should he freaked..
His worst today was you make me miserable and your a baby who thinks the world revolves around you..
I couldnt believe it.. Since for the past 3 months i stayed home with him every night to keep him company when he came out of surgery. Said i never appreciate anything he does.. And he goes way out of his way to make me happy?? I cannot believe him.

I just hung up and told him to do whatever.. I feel like i have put everything into this for him. I really do.. Am i dillusional?? I just do not know what to think anymore.
Although i feel an idiot for believe he loves me back thats for sure..

[SelflessnHumble]

Jaden Mia: You're an enabling sucker played for the fool.
The sad thing is: you are doing this ALL to yourself!

When you have been shown how someone truly feels about you:
and you DO nothing, but sit there and bullshit your way throughout the relationship making shit up just so he doesn't "sound so bad" on *paper*
You are allowing yourself to be hurt, played and used.

What you do on your own time is: YOUR business, not his.
If his insecure little peepee cannot handle that when you were apart you saw someone else: He will use it against you ANY time he wants to :stick: it to you.

Now you're the sucker if you take him back.
Again, again and again. I don't feel sorry for you anymore: because you are delusional!

[JadenMia]

Yeah your right i know im dillusional.. That was a little hurtful but i understand what your saying.
I'm just a sucker for him and i do know that..
Thanks for the help though..

[SelflessnHumble]

Yeah your right i know im dillusional.. That was a little hurtful but i understand what your saying.
I'm just a sucker for him and i do know that..
Thanks for the help though..

Do not take this observation personal.
Only you know for certain deep down how you feel.

One thing I've learned is that an open letter written on a forum conveys intent better than
what people "say" with words. Writing is an art whether the writer knows it or not.

[RikkiLee]

I hate it how they spoil things...Ooo this is not a fairytail, wake up.
My boyfriend has done exactly the same thing, and he really killed my heart cos I loved him so much, but he Brang me down, instead of giving me his world n happiness, he could not give cos he was not ready.
I am still w same guy, 3 yrs coming up, but now tables have turned, where I am still emotionally loving him, but he killed that romance and strong love I once did have for him.
Babe my advice, either stay and accept it all and Trully be happy OR
Go and find someone that will tick all your boxes and make you feel fulfilled and so happy!
I wish I left my guy 1.5 yrs ago, cos honestly my love is gone and I want still my Fairytale imagination which I never got.
He wants to give it all to me now...but it's too late...we still together but my mind changes all time and don't know if I should still stay or go.
Babe it gets harder...so pls make sure u think it all and make ur decisions xxx
We only have 1 life, 1 chance at this! Xx

[JadenMia]

I know what i have to do, i sit and think about 'what could be' sometimes and i like what i see! I am not scared of being alone, i was alone for a long time from the moment my daughter was born. I have some amazng family and friends and my friend (who hates my boyfriend with a passion) said she will even go to the lengths of moving out with me to start fresh and keep my mind off things.
The thing that does scare me, is that we live in an incredibly small town. Everybody knows everybody, i hear about his every move which kills me. It happened the last time we broke up and it weakened me everyday it seemed like. I went from strong, secure independant woman to being a little insecure jealous girl. I can say that it seriously got the better of me.

I do feel nervous to leave him, but not terrified as i have had some time to myself to think straight and sane. On the friday i posted about he was going out with his friends after promising he would stay and take care of me and my daughter, i went to bed without him at my parents and they said i could stay with them for a while things get sorted out. Well, he did the same thing again last night..
Called at 3am asking where the hell i was as i wasnt at home.. Obviously he had just got home at the that time.

Its a good job im stubborn.. Because im not giving into him this time. Today i am looking to rent somewhere by myself, going to look into some rent subsidys to make it possible and start making myself a life away from him.
I have tried cutting contact but it did not work, so this time i am trying a different approach. I am feeling pretty good about it so i am determined to make it stick!!
I am not a doormat i am a good girl and i KNOW i deserve a good life, i have never done anything so wrong in my life to deserve this bullshit i receive from him and i am smart, whether i am weak or not. So i know i can eventually break myself of this silly little cycle.

Even though it may look like i dont listen to my advice i get from here, It really does help me. I like to look back on all my posts and answers when he tries sweet talking me, when he tells me he loves me like nobody ever will. I look here and remember what he does to me. How he makes me feel, and remember these great answers i get here. So thanks guys
I will most likely be back here soon!