Tragic romance, advice please:)

[BloodyWreck]

Married but I recently found my first love on....u guessed it...Facebook! Not sure I can speak for all guys but for me there was only one person in my life that I ever felt so strongly about. It wasnt about the sex, it was the connection I had with her. She worked with my mother as a nurse. I was barely 18 and she was 20. I had just joined the Navy and I was visiting home when I met her. I had sex once before when I was 16 with another girl but never felt the attraction that I had when I met my mother's friend. The dating and courtship were textbook perfect. We held hands, went to a broadway play, and ended up at her place. The worst thing that can happen to a guy happened to me. I couldn't get an erection (hope this isn't too graphic).

It was very awkward for the 2 of us. Needless to say. I went home and was very depressed. I cried. I stupidly tried to pursue a relationship with her after that. She wanted none of it. I was dumb enough to ask her to move to Florida with me and I had only knew her 2, maybe 3 weeks. The woman knew I was infatuated with her and tried to help me understand that it wasn't love. I had nobody to talk to except my mother. My mother never saw me miserable like that. My mom was very angry and blamed this poor woman for sleeping with her son and hurting my feelings. I understand my mother over reacted but she betrayed my trust and verbally abused this poor woman where they worked together until she quit her job.

Looking back, I think it was a beautiful time in my life with a tragic ending. It was very romantic. I always felt incompetent for not handling this situation better. I just didn't know how to deal with my feelings. I felt weak and wanted a second chance with her but never got it.

I actually tried leaving the Navy shortly after that and ran away to go home again. After a week, I went back to the Navy and was scolded. I spent a week in a psych ward for depression.

At that time in my life, I just couldn't understand how a woman who slept with me wouldnt want to pursue a serious relationship. I was very sexually immature.

Ironically, the best time in my life was her her worst.

I found her on facebook and told her it was a magic moment in my youth and she responded it was her worst because of my mother's abuse of her.

She is divorced now.

I sometimes consider my thoughts regarding this moment of my life and have to ask myself if my behavior is that of a stalker? I should just leave the woman alone, right?

You could argue that I'm being selfish and making this all about me. Maybe you're right. I would say that the whole tragic event was was a moment in my life that affects me to this day. I've never had an emotional experience like that since. Romance, happiness, etc. True bliss. And remorse.

Anyway, sorry for this winded rant of mine. This woman, I'll call her Annie for now, has accepted my friendship on facebook and my apology as well. We don't chat much but she did tell me her story. Her husband left her after 18 years for the sexutary as she calls it. Annie attempted to kill herself and now takes antidepressants. Life has not been kind to her these last 25 years. We talked through the experience we had together. I explained that I was and still am a geek. I wasn't able to get an erection because I was nervous and intimidated by her good looks. She felt better knowing it wasn't her fault. She actually thought I was rejecting her that night! I know she is being friendly but also knows that I am married and thus keeps a cool distance. Again, she's being responsible while I am obviously getting into murky waters here...

I know she is vulnerable and not happy with her life. I feel sorry for her. I know she is lonely. I am resisting the urge to play the hero and divorce my current wife. Very foolish indeed. Annie hasn't done anything to make me believe she desires me. Annie has said that the broadway play we went to was her first and is sad that it will probably be the last play she ever sees. Obviously, I barely know Annie and what I'm really doing is chasing this feeling I've never had again my life. What I thought was true love.

I sense that she is open to more but is not leading the charge so to speak. Its up to me to move forward or stay back.

My wife...yes, she is my wife. I caught her texting a sales rep for over an hour while sitting on the couch next to me. When I walked behind her, she hid her phone. I asked to see the phone and she said no. I discovered she had been texting this same guy daily for the last 3 months. She offered this guy a massage in one of her texts. I asked her about that and she said it was for his hand.

The texting event was 2 months ago. I decided to stay with her. She never admitted to having an affair with him but wanted to stay with me.

Is it fair of me to use this recent texting event as an excuse to pursue something with Annie?


I've always been curious if other guys have had emotional experiences that have made such an impact on them. This is clearly not about sex but about falling head over heels in love.

On on my third marriage btw so I do realize that I'm no saint either.

Thanks to anyone for reading all this ranting of mine and offering advice.

[MerryH]

Is it fair of me to use this recent texting event as an excuse to pursue something with Annie?

Good god, no! No, no, no. No, that is not an excuse to be unfaithful. Is that an excuse to leave her? Maybe. And the fact that you're thinking about cheating on her means there is a huge problem in your relationship. And no, you don't get to blame her, citing that she's texting a man or isn't sexually satisfying, or is a bitch, or anything. That you're straying (and you are - you already did) is your fault, and your fault alone. Stop this, whether that means leaving your wife or cutting communication with Annie entirely. Probably both would be the right thing to do.