Need male advice... Will he come back??

[AMansView]

He may come back but he is not coming back for good. If you want a serious relationship you need to move on. If you only want to be with him then you shall wait (A VERY LONG TIME) like when he is late 30's. But you must ask yourself, "Is this fair to me." Don't care if he was the first to do this and that, you gotta go!
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[SelflessnHumble]

The Beginning:
You both went too fast. Seeing each other EVERY day? Bad Choice.
Having Sex: (a month in) with a guy you didn't know (and still don't) ? Bad Choice.
Convenience...Schedules that mesh...doesn't mean or = Fate nor Destiny.
Then...He told you he loved you, and I believe this is what he "felt" to be true. The same for you.

Month 4/5:
His friends complaining about all the time he spent with you: Completely natural...
Him drifting away (he chose to do this) and (you allowed this to happen) Not natural.

Arguments:
Despite what you *feel* Arguments aren't normal in a truly meaningful and loving relationship!
Humble discussions about disagreements are normal...But you didn't ask, he didn't say/vice versa.

See, you "wanted" him to spend time with his friends: BUT you didn't TELL him that.
He ass-u-me-d you were butthurt about it: so instead of being a man about it:
He simply detached himself emotionally: because he didn't want to deal with your bullshit, see that?
Then of course he's a pot head and well, that can alter his perception to think and feel NOTHING matters: least of all some over jealous girlfriend that he knows is not going ANYWHERE. (he knew)

The fact is: you were in love with him: he wasn't with you as he once *felt* <---------Natural.
He also didn't want you going out with his friends: are you Ugly? Deformed? No? Then obviously he was embarrassed of you in some way. He never told you: you never asked. Communication: poop.

Being Insecure: and Clingy: Is not good. You allowed what HE did to dictate your emotions.
He was in control: and you were powerless...You were reactive to what he did. Love? Nope.

He looked at pictures of hot girls' on facebook...k...
He seemed to care less: is this indicative of someone who loves you? Nope.
You actually think: picking small fights with him: was some sort of defense to keep him around?

Nobody takes breaks: You got dumped
He decided that "we should take a break." What does that say about YOU?
This is big mistake #1 ^^^ right there...You saw all the signs, you were getting ignored,
invalidated and everything else: and HE was the one to dump you? This was all about power.

But I can't live without you!
So once again: he *TOLD* you he misses you and loves you, blah, blah and blah...More bullshit.
So a day later....he begs for you back...and you say YES...

Wait a second!
He kissed another girl: can you do the math and see WHY he begged for you to take him back?
(A common theme with guys like this) <----------They dump you: get with a girl: it doesn't work out: beg for you back: you take him back: it was an easy challenge he won again: he dumps you because he's bored, hooks up with another girl, it doesn't compare to you: wants you back: RINSE, CYCLE and REPEAT!

We were both stressed, though...
Stress is an illusion. It's a defense mechanism that YOU (or him) chooses to invoke so that
you can push away responsibility...Nothing more! Whenever he could stand you anymore:

"I need a break, the pressure is just too much..." AKA: COWARDLY EXCUSES...
Ask me how I know? (I did this countless times to sweet, open and giving girls like you!)

While I commend you for the 3 months no contact thing:
You took him back AGAIN! This time it was only on his terms..

He used the excuse: we always fight and argue a lot.
I suspect this is when he actually saw someone else while seeing you, so he could technically
get away with it...This is what I did, what my buddies did. We also hooked up with other girls
while supposedly being on a break from our love of our lives....it's all bullshit.

The fact is: IF he truly loved you:
He would be willing and able to manage:
work, school friends, family, and of course YOU as well as his own personal time for himself.
He would also be understanding and patient, not short, and full of pot (as well as shit)

Expectations:
You expected your 1st day back together to be some special day he would make for you: Oops!
Big mistake. In fact: he uses your disagreements of how he chooses to live (the gaming, the pot, his friends) ALL of these he uses to push you away: using what you told him in confidence against you: Cowards do this all the time. I know.

He doesn't truly love you.
He loves what YOU give him and make him feel when you give it! He doesn't love YOU 4 U.
Because he consistently shits on all of your feelings: he also fails to address them! He Invalidates them.

I've written songs to girls before, heck I even took the stage for a girl I couldn't have cared less for! All in the name of Poosay. That's it...

If you didn't know: Men can show you love one minute: then discount you
like the 99 cent store ceramic condom he took you for. Of course he slept with other girls!

Guess? If he truly loved you: he wouldn't have take 3 months! He took that time
because he was F-I-N-E without you. He went back to you because he exhausted all the other options! Don't you see that? I do.

Some guys know what to say to make a girl feel things for...
It doesn't mean he actually knows what love is.

If you disagree: please explain the end result of your failed relationship: and why?
Are you just going to believe what everyone says?

"He loved he with all his heart BUT he had issues..." <----------This is bullshit.

I miss you: I miss banging you, smelling you and touching you.
He never respected you.

And now: Unfortunately yes it is your fault! Why?

You went too fast.
You didn't know how to handle things when it rained...Only when it was sunny...
You emotionally reacted to what HE did: instead of using logic, common sense and reason
to address issues...He used your reaction: as the basis for dumping you and you allowed it.

Then you kept taking him back.
You got insecure and upset that he kissed another girl, and looked at harmless pictures.

I ask you this: Was he thinking of how much he loved you while he kissed Tracy, and while he was banging Martha, Anne and Monica? NOPE. That's not love. Is that love to you?

Why keep making excuses for a guy who F ucked you and F ucked you over?

[flow90]

Thanks.... Deep down I knew all of this was true, but you've really opened my eyes. I'm gonna read this everytime I feel low, or miss him... This will definitely help me to move on. Thanks so much, I know its cold, and harsh.... but its the truth... It hurts. but he can really not love me, I was blinded by love. But now I can see. If he ever tries to contact me, I will ignore him. I'm pretty sure you would suggest I do that? Although I wish I could just have a go at him.... but like you say, its my fault for letting him treat me this way.

[xxazurexx]

The best thing you can do, is to cut him out of your life. When he comes crawling back, which he will, be firm and tell him that it's over between you both and mean it! DON'T give in to him again and no matter what he says.

If you don't cut him from your life, you aren't giving this guy an opportunity to MISS YOU and he needs a taste of what his life will be like and without you in it.

He won't know what he truly wants and until you are gone and he realises you meant what you said....that it's over.

He will keep on trying to get back again...he won't give up that easily. But as I said, be strong, remain firm with him.

If he eventually wants to come back and be with you....make this guy PROVE to you that's you he really wants.

[flow90]

The best thing you can do, is to cut him out of your life. When he comes crawling back, which he will, be firm and tell him that it's over between you both and mean it! DON'T give in to him again and no matter what he says.

If you don't cut him from your life, you aren't giving this guy an opportunity to MISS YOU and he needs a taste of what his life will be like and without you in it.

He won't know what he truly wants and until you are gone and he realises you meant what you said....that it's over.

He will keep on trying to get back again...he won't give up that easily. But as I said, be strong, remain firm with him.

If he eventually wants to come back and be with you....make this guy PROVE to you that's you he really wants.

Well I have pretty much cut him out of my life, but through no choice of my own. When he said he didnt want a relationship, i just went No contact.. and have been for nearly 3 weeks now. I don't think he would dare to get in contact again, I think he knows now that he cant.... which sucks cos i would love him to come back purely to be able to ignore him!! haha as evil as that sounds!

[SelflessnHumble]

Thanks.... Deep down I knew all of this was true, but you've really opened my eyes. I'm gonna read this everytime I feel low, or miss him... This will definitely help me to move on. Thanks so much, I know its cold, and harsh.... but its the truth... It hurts. but he can really not love me, I was blinded by love. But now I can see. If he ever tries to contact me, I will ignore him. I'm pretty sure you would suggest I do that? Although I wish I could just have a go at him.... but like you say, its my fault for letting him treat me this way.

I swear to you it's not cold or harsh: HIS actions *were* not my observation.
In fact it doesn't do me any good to tell you this because you are such a sweet, honest and very (over) giving in a relationship
so much: that I suspect he KNEW he could fall off the beaten path, mess up because he *knew* you'd appease his shitty behavior
out of "love" the love he exploited. See, feelings lie to all of us, not just you two! This is why I tell people
to govern their emotions with reason, logic and common sense. I know that emotions are the polar opposite to those 3 words...but...
If you cannot take steps back: to reevaluate your wants and needs: to see if HIS changes align with those wants and needs?

(1) you will never get to know yourself as you were meant to spiritually
(2) You will keep perpetuating this situation EACH time *he* decides (for you) that you two belong together no matter how bad he hurts you.

I would never tell anyone to ignore someone: this is what most people on this site do.
What I would do: (only because I can look an ex in the eyes, even IF I still loved them) ....and go out of my way even to establish a meet to say:

"(his name), You and I have had a lot of history..we've had our ups as well as downs...But, instead facing responsibility
by owning up to what you knowingly did (which hurt me each time) You chose to use excuses that I know realize were made because
*I* allowed you to. Because I have realized the truth, I'd like to thank you for all of these experiences you've shared with me.

Your behavior, petty excuses and circumvention of accountability were just what I needed to finally see just how
easy I was to manipulate and whenever it suited you: "The pressure was just too much."

I completely understand why you felt this way and I'd just like to take this moment to humbly apologize for
instigating arguments with you about your friends, your smoking and gaming habits. (he should forgive you here but don't expect it)
^^^You're doing this for YOU, not for him...In fact, you will be on your own solid ground, while he won't be.

Your goal is to apologize (not so that he too can, but so that YOU establish what you did wrong)
Your goal is to tell him what you now know: so that he cannot use these same tired a$$ excuses cowards use to
manipulate women using "love" as a piece of meat holding and waving it over your head...

Doing this with assertiveness, confidence and while in control of your emotions will do you good, I promise.
Then you tell him that this *IS* (emphasis on is) the end of the road for us...

(this is where it hits home)

"...because: I want to find someone who: has the courage to face the inherent pressures that go along with a relationship,
who not just tells me he loves me but also shows it unconditionally and who KNOWS he wants me so that instead of being with me
one day, then dumping me the next, HE will take the time to be patient, understanding and use open and honest communication
to sit me down with compassion: who shows, and involves me into their life, who confides in me with their issues so that WE
seek to resolve our disagreements which allows us to learn and grow from one another....not be pulled apart by excuses..."

Then say good bye and walk away.
Be sure ANYthing that belongs to him is brought to him. You don't want him creeping back into your life
just because he left his favorite underwear at your house. (that was a different thread here too!)

[flow90]

Wow this is AMAZING!!!! I wish I could say all that to him.... It would be SO much better than having a go at him. But sadly, I really don't see him contacting me so I don't think I will ever get the chance, and if he does it won't be face to face, so I would have to say all that in an email or message.
Could you tell me what you mean by 'circumvention of accountability'.

Thank you so very much for all of your advice, I already feel a whole lot better.. Although I am sad that he is gone, I do see that I am much better off. We will never get back what we had in the beginning, and he will never be that person he was.

[SelflessnHumble]

Well, you're welcome!
2nd, circumvent means to: go around or bypass (tit toe through the tullips, beating around the bush and using excuses to: circumvent the issues)
Accountability means that EVERYTHING he has done: HE has avoided like the plague because facing what he did (accountability) would destroy him.
Accountability means that all the bad he has done should:

1st be accepted as truth as to what he did 2 U
2nd, taking ownership, being held responsible for his actions...and...
3rd, accountable for his actions: having to be held liable and answer for them (to you) Which may not ever happen..

Accountability is not a requisite for your closure....It is for him though! (the Beauty of life)

In fact: most people do not like facing accountability at all! Scary, isn't it?

I know you will be sad: it's normal because you loved what he did for you and to you: but
just know that it wasn't HIM you were in love with! The last sentence you wrote is HUGE!!!!!!!!!

You have realized that any attempt to get together: just so "it could be like it used to be: is false!
It will never be like it was: both of you have grown, and now: you know better. I know you can do it!

[flow90]

And now I know better... to stay away and not attempt a reconciliation and if he comes back, to tell him what u said above and walk away forever?

It will be hard, but I'm pretty sure I can do it Thanks again

[SelflessnHumble]

And now I know better... to stay away and not attempt a reconciliation and if he comes back, to tell him what u said above and walk away forever?

It will be hard, but I'm pretty sure I can do it Thanks again

You can do it: my point is that if any man truly says he loves you: he will show it with ACTION(s)
Words are bullshit! And are easily said.

However, it is not easy to:

-Give affirmation of that love he said he feels...
-Exercise patience, understanding and respect for the one he claims he *loves*
-Practice open and honest communication WITH the one he claimed to love...
-Has compassion, empathy and has the dedication: of wanting to make you happy because HE is both internally and externally content with himself...

We all support you and I have your back! You can do it IF you promise to look forward, not step back. The only way is up.

[alwaystryin]

i couldn't post less than 10 characters but all i really wanted to say was..

wow.