Need male advice... Will he come back??

[flow90]

Apologies for the long post.

My ex has broken up with me 3 times now. Main reason every time is because he loves his freedom too much and can't take being in a relationship. This always led to arguments as he felt too much pressure and couldnt take it, which would obviously upset mw as I felt like I was losing him.
He came back every time cos he claimed he loved me, missed me and didnt want to lose me, and that what we had was special, despite the fact he cant be in a relationship.


We were together for a year, and at the beginning he pursued me and he treated me like an absolute queen, however after about 7 months I think the relationship got a bit much for him. We ended up spending all of our time with eachother and depended on eachother too much, which obviously is not healthy. This led to arguments.... and he broke up with me for the first time in May as we were arguing quite a lot, he felt a lot of pressure from the relationship and couldn't take it any more.

However we kept in contact and in August he said he wanted to try again. We did but it only lasted 2 weeks. I was left completely heartbroken, once again. I was devastated as I thought we could sort out these arguments, but it was too much for him, he told me to leave him alone so I did. I went NC for 3 months (secretly hoping hed want me back), in these 3 months he tried to contact me twice, just to say hello, how r u? etc.


In November we bumped into eachother, and he broke down, cried to me, told me he still loved me, missed me, but said he couldn't be in a relationship. I was in so much shock as I thought he didn't love me any more and I had tried so much for 3 months to put him out of my mind, even though I still loved him. I asked him how can he still love me but not want to be with me, and he just kept saying he didn't want a relationship.

Since then we had been talking nearly every day.... sometimes we'd talk about where we went wrong and whether we could try to make it work again, but he always said he didnt want a relationship and didnt want to hurt me again and risk it going back to the way it was.


However, the first week of january he told me he wanted to take that risk and try again, we discussed our mistakes, and I told him I was going to try to not make him feel so much under pressure, etc... I was so heart broken last time but i still wanted him back, and seeing as we both loved eachother still we decided to try again. But after spending one day together, he decided he couldnt do it as he still doesnt want a relationship, so ended it once again! And breaking my heart once again!

So I've now been 2 weeks NC... I think about him CONSTANTLY... i can't take him off my mind. Secretly im hoping NC will make him miss me... but I don't see him coming back, because when he ended it the last time I asked him 'how can i walk away if u always come back?' and he said 'i wont be coming back next time'. And he told me to forget him. But how can I forget someone who told me that same day we tried again that he loves me, missed me and didnt want to lose me. and even wrote me a song which mentions how im a part of his soul, etc...

I realize he has commitment issues and just loves his freedom. But we loved eachother so much, and we always said we had never been happier (when we werent arguing of course!). He even wrote me a song and sang it to me the one day we tried to make it work in january. We got on fine, its just that he feels pressure from a relationship... I miss him so much and wish he would come back again...

Any thoughts? Opinions?

Thanks a lot and sorry for such a long post!!

[xxazurexx]

How old is he?

[flow90]

21.. I'm 2 years older. When he ended it he said he just wants to have fun and not have to worry about anyone else and enjoy his last year at university. I get all that, but I don't understand how he could be willing to lose someone he supposedly loves! He could still have his fun, I never stopped him from going out with his friends or anything like that, and he said its not about being able to sleep around. He said if he wanted a relatiomnship i would be with me. But i dont believe that, cos if he didnt want to lose me he wouldnt.

[sweetkissesforu]

He is a commitment phobic and may never get over it sorry move on because you and him have a realationship that you are going to always be hurt not worth it in the end

[Boisdevie]

He loves his freedom too much = he does not love you

[BrianM]

Hey Flow,
First off, this is my first post after my introduction a few moments ago.

If your boyfriend is 21, he's pretty normal with his behavior. It doesn't make it right, but a lot of 21 year old males behave in similar ways. There is a reason that couples do a lot of breaking up and making up when they're younger. Older couples aren't so apt to riding the roller coaster.

This is likely a situation where the answer really does fit with the old saying "It's not you, it's me." He's not mature enough for a relationship, and you are. Moving on is likely a good move. You deserve to find someone who is ready for the same things you are.

Best,
Brian

[SelflessnHumble]

I know for a fact I can help you girl....All that I ask of you is for: an open mind and some patience...If you agree, read on...

In order to understand the why we must first explore the reason...(he loves his freedom, doesn't like arguments and hates the pressure) Check...

(1) It sounds as though you are arguing with him when he wants to exercise his freedom(s) What does he do that you don't like? What do you argue about?
(2) What pressure could be possibly be under in a titled relationship that he would already have to deal with while sleeping with you?
(3) Why do you feel arguing is the way to *discuss* ???

The seem to misconstrue the insignificance that you *feel* is significant just because "he came back every time." life is all about change.

When you say the relationship *got a bit much* what does that mean? You said you think...Did you EVER address WHY he broke up with you?
If you realize that both of you became dependent on one another: Why or how can this be when he chose to be with you for an entire 7 months?

If he contributed to the so called *pressure* then he is too, to blame.
Arguing takes two people...So you obviously didn't cherish the relationship all that much (as he did not) because you both resorted to anger and bitterness,
not love, patience and understanding...Don't ever forget:

The 3 main reasons for relationship failure are: Having Expectations, Lacking Trust, and not having Open and Honest Communication...

When you got back together for the two weeks: ask yourself this question: How many times did you two have sex?
Prior to that, how often did you have sex for the 1st 7 months? From the 1st day you met: How long until you two had sex? <----This is relevant.

Leaving to a different area "secretly hoping" to want someone back who has made it clear: they do NOT want a commitment with you is foolish.
You open your heart (which makes no sense, anyway) and then bam: you allowed it to get broken: he didn't break it! You did.

Fast Forward to November:
He cried (shows emotion)
He tells you he loves you and misses you...BUT:

He says to you: "I have no trouble impersonating your boyfriend" (F ucking, Sucking, Affection)
"I just don't want ANY liability, responsibility nor obligation to you just in case I meet someone else OR you find out about someone else." <----see that?

Then, when and if you did find out: guess what? He can say, "What? We weren't together." And technically he would be right.
Exclusively having sex without anything backing it is sorta like voting for Obama Sponsered Healthcare..sure it sounds nice: but it won't fly.


You: Do NOT *realize* he has commitment issues:
In fact: when he told you last time he loves you and misses you (just doesn't want a commitment) you
said, "Wow, I can't believe he still feels this way!" You didn't give a shit about it then, nor do you now.

You don't love or miss him!
You love and miss what he did to you and for you! Truth.

What does freedom have to do with anything?
I have full 100% freedom in my relationship.
I make time for her, and for myself as well as my friends/family (and hers)

It's a farking cop out: and he uses it to have control and power over you: Guess what? it works pretty good, doesn't it?

He doesn't love you.
He doesn't respect you.
But he LOVES to use you.
As long as he provides that *feeling* he gives you: you don't give a shit what he does.

"lie to me...I promise I'll believe." Sound familiar, doesn't it?

[SelflessnHumble]

Hey Flow,
First off, this is my first post after my introduction a few moments ago.

If your boyfriend is 21, he's pretty normal with his behavior. It doesn't make it right, but a lot of 21 year old males behave in similar ways. There is a reason that couples do a lot of breaking up and making up when they're younger. Older couples aren't so apt to riding the roller coaster.

This is likely a situation where the answer really does fit with the old saying "It's not you, it's me." He's not mature enough for a relationship, and you are. Moving on is likely a good move. You deserve to find someone who is ready for the same things you are.

Best,
Brian

It's not normal.
For shallow cowards it is completely normal.
Age alone doesn't denote experience.

[BrianM]

It's not normal.
For shallow cowards it is completely normal.
Age alone doesn't denote experience.

Eh, I guess we disagree. Not every guy is going to do something like this, but he's not a coward. He's a young guy that doesn't know what he wants. If you were never there, then good for you. Some have it happen when they're in junior high or high school. Others struggle in college, or even later during a midlife crisis.

Again, not every guy goes through something like this. So far, I haven't, but it is fairly normal behavior for young males, and sometimes females. It's called being confused, immature, and I'm guessing the OPs boyfriend/ex boyfriend is still "coming into his own".

either way, the two of us arguing over whether it is normal or the guy is a coward takes away from the thread starter's problems and the solution, that she likely needs to move on.

[twinrexes]

Whether it's because he's young or because he's "abnormal". you still have to give him up. You can't wait around for him to grow up, and you can't fix him.

[twinrexes]

Oh, and I've heard of a label for this kind of guy, he's "the disappearing man". He's incapable of sustaining a close, intimate connection. As soon as he feels it closing in on him, he's going to head for the hills. You can console yourself with the fact that he loves you. But don't keep letting him back in or you'll never get off the roller coaster.

[SelflessnHumble]

Eh, I guess we disagree. Not every guy is going to do something like this, but he's not a coward. He's a young guy that doesn't know what he wants. If you were never there, then good for you. Some have it happen when they're in junior high or high school. Others struggle in college, or even later during a midlife crisis.

If he is a young guy that doesn't know what he wants: No problem.
He has already made it known to her that he does NOT want a relationship commitment.
This means he has already revealed his intent: (being a coward) Do you know what a coward means?
At any rate: She is the one at fault here: because he cannot give her what she can give him in return.
She knows this: but still puts herself in a position to get hurt:

He wants to mess around without a commitment for: bullshit reasons. K.
She wants him: even though he is short changing her: check.
She has no room to be angry, or argue with him: She is reaping what she has sown, see that?

I was there dude, more than you know. FEAR: this is the common theme here.
He lacks the courage to face the pressures that come with being in ANY relationship: coward.

If he is suffering a crisis: banging her without a commitment is NOT the way to cope, right?
He knows that her vagina is emotionally tied to her entire being:
His Penis is independent of emotional thoughts...See the difference?

Again, not every guy goes through something like this. So far, I haven't, but it is fairly normal behavior for young males, and sometimes females. It's called being confused, immature, and I'm guessing the OPs boyfriend/ex boyfriend is still "coming into his own".

either way, the two of us arguing over whether it is normal or the guy is a coward takes away from the thread starter's problems and the solution, that she likely needs to move on.

I'm not arguing, may be you are?
If you didn't know...we have opinions, and they may not correlate. Fine.
I can respect your opinion, while not agreeing with it.

You condone this behavior by saying "this is normal." No, it is not.
It is normal to not know what you want: not to use her vagina as a proxy to hold ransom her
emotional state. Nothing wrong with being confused and immature...

But since she cannot see it: She deserves to be played (in his mind)

Coward. Go ahead, look it up.

[flow90]

I know for a fact I can help you girl....All that I ask of you is for: an open mind and some patience...If you agree, read on...

In order to understand the why we must first explore the reason...(he loves his freedom, doesn't like arguments and hates the pressure) Check...

(1) It sounds as though you are arguing with him when he wants to exercise his freedom(s) What does he do that you don't like? What do you argue about?
(2) What pressure could be possibly be under in a titled relationship that he would already have to deal with while sleeping with you?
(3) Why do you feel arguing is the way to *discuss* ???

The seem to misconstrue the insignificance that you *feel* is significant just because "he came back every time." life is all about change.

When you say the relationship *got a bit much* what does that mean? You said you think...Did you EVER address WHY he broke up with you?
If you realize that both of you became dependent on one another: Why or how can this be when he chose to be with you for an entire 7 months?

If he contributed to the so called *pressure* then he is too, to blame.
Arguing takes two people...So you obviously didn't cherish the relationship all that much (as he did not) because you both resorted to anger and bitterness,
not love, patience and understanding...Don't ever forget:

The 3 main reasons for relationship failure are: Having Expectations, Lacking Trust, and not having Open and Honest Communication...

When you got back together for the two weeks: ask yourself this question: How many times did you two have sex?
Prior to that, how often did you have sex for the 1st 7 months? From the 1st day you met: How long until you two had sex? <----This is relevant.

Leaving to a different area "secretly hoping" to want someone back who has made it clear: they do NOT want a commitment with you is foolish.
You open your heart (which makes no sense, anyway) and then bam: you allowed it to get broken: he didn't break it! You did.

Fast Forward to November:
He cried (shows emotion)
He tells you he loves you and misses you...BUT:

He says to you: "I have no trouble impersonating your boyfriend" (F ucking, Sucking, Affection)
"I just don't want ANY liability, responsibility nor obligation to you just in case I meet someone else OR you find out about someone else." <----see that?

Then, when and if you did find out: guess what? He can say, "What? We weren't together." And technically he would be right.
Exclusively having sex without anything backing it is sorta like voting for Obama Sponsered Healthcare..sure it sounds nice: but it won't fly.


You: Do NOT *realize* he has commitment issues:
In fact: when he told you last time he loves you and misses you (just doesn't want a commitment) you
said, "Wow, I can't believe he still feels this way!" You didn't give a shit about it then, nor do you now.

You don't love or miss him!
You love and miss what he did to you and for you! Truth.

What does freedom have to do with anything?
I have full 100% freedom in my relationship.
I make time for her, and for myself as well as my friends/family (and hers)

It's a farking cop out: and he uses it to have control and power over you: Guess what? it works pretty good, doesn't it?

He doesn't love you.
He doesn't respect you.
But he LOVES to use you.
As long as he provides that *feeling* he gives you: you don't give a shit what he does.

"lie to me...I promise I'll believe." Sound familiar, doesn't it?

We met in September 09... and he pursued me, I didn't want a relationship because I was in my last year at university and just wanted to concentrate on my studies...however there was this instant connection and neither of us had felt that way before, and we ended up seeing eachother nearly every day so after a month he told me he wanted to be with me and I said that I did too. So we had sex for the first time probably about a month into seeing eachother.
Because we were both at university, it was like we were living in a bubble, he only lived 3 minutes away from me and always wanted to be with me.. he began to put me before his friends and I ended up staying at his nearly every day so we were practically living together. So since we saw eachother nearly every day we had sex every day.

3/4 months later he told me he loved me that he was so in love with me and never felt that way before, I told him the same... it really was like magic. And he said that what we had was special and rare... We had the same interests, had amazing sexual chemistry, etc..etc...

About 4/5 months into the relationship his friends began to complain that he was spending too much time with me, so he began to drift away from me. It was at this point when arguments started.... I wanted him to spend time with his friends, but he became completely dettached from me emotionally, I felt like I was losing him, and I became really insecure and clingy..... things just weren't the same anymore.. I don't know if its because the honeymoon period ended or if he realized that the relationship was becoming too much, ie. we were young and spending so much time together and practically in eachothers pockets...

The arguments were over silly things, I can't remember now as it was a year ago now... But he started going out a lot more and didnt want me there, i understand a guy wants to go out with his friends but he made me feel unloved... he would spend so much time on facebook looking through hot girls photos, adding them as friends... which made me feel insecure, I felt like i had to compete... he just began to care less and less about the relationship, and i became scared of losing him so would pick small fights...

So he decided that we should take a break... then he said we are breaking up. I agreed as we were arguing so much, but was soo upset that he could just give up on us! so I left him alone for the weekend... but a day later he told me he missed me so much and didnt want us to break up and couldnt lose me. I wasn't sure, cos as much as i wanted to be with him, i was hurt that he just ended it. anyway he begged for me back and i took him back. we decided to take things slow and didn't spend much time together as we were before. Everytime he saw me he'd tell me how much he loved me.... but a week later a girl messaged me saying he had kissed her in those 2 days we were apart.

I know we werent together but i was devastated, and told him i couldnt be with him cos he couldnt go one day without kissing another girl. which made all my insecurities return... however he said that the girl was lying, and i just didnt believe him. he begged me once again, and told me to believe him that he loves me and this girl is just lying to destroy our relationship, so I took him back. But after that things were never the same. We were together for another 2 months, but I just felt so insecure, and felt like I couldnt trust him and i was so upset about the whole incident still (him breaking up with me/the girl telling me he kissed her). We had our final exams, and were both really stressed out so arguments began to creep up again... and so he ended it again!

Like I said in my original post, we kept in touch because he kept telling me he missed me and loved me still... howevcer we didnt see eachother for 2 1/2 months, until he said he wanted us to try again in august. in those two weeks, i went to visit him as he lives in a different home country for the summer, and maybe we had rushed into the relationship... i was still upset about everything, so i wasnt over the pain he had put me through so i couldnt be 100% ok with him. he had kissed other girls since we had been apart, which i understand theres nothing wrong with it as we werent together, but it still made me feel insecure......etc.... I guess I just wanted things to be how they were in the beginning when he was soo in love with me, and it just wasnt the same anymore.. which made me sad, and angry. We didn't really talk about what went wrong last time, I don't think he realized how insecure i was feeling in the relationship..arguments crept up again, really over stupid things, but i guess it was because of underlying issues.... so after 2 weeks he ended it again, saying we argue too much and he feels too much pressure. We really didnt argue that much, and i knew what the reasons where why we were arguing, but he just didnt want to listen.

SO i went no contact for 3 months, and yes in november he broke down and told me he still had all these feelings.... that he felt what we had was special and rare, but kept saying he didnt want the relationship we ended up having where we ended up arguing a lot... but i told him there were reasons for these arguments, its not because we are incompatible.. and if we love eachother we can work it out. so we did talk a lot about why we argued, and finally opened up to eachother. i told him how insecure i felt, and how upset i was that he just kept giving up on us.... and he said that he felt like he couldnt do things without upsetting me, ie seeing his friends. I never had a problem with it, but i think he thought i did, because when he 'changed' after 4/5 months in our relationship, i got more upset with him, so i guess he just thought i was upset that he was with his friends, not because he was distancing himself from me.

Anyway he kept saying that he didn't know if we should try again, just incase arguments crept up again... but in january he decided he did want to because he loved me and missed me and didnt want to lose me.... however after one day, and in this one day even though we spent time together, because he lives with other guys we had to hang out with them too, and i had to watch them play on the playstation, and play poker.... and i did get a bit upset because i thought, considering this is the first day we are 'trying' again... i thought it would be special, and i thought he would make more effort and i guess i thought the day would be about us.... not about me watching him with his friends. he said that he felt uncomfortable when we were with his friends, and said he felt the need to smoke weed. which i didnt mention before, but it used to upset when he smoked weed as he changes when he smokes, hes completely off with me and acts like im not there. so obviously i didnt want him to smoke when i made the effort to go all the way to visit him in order to 'try' again!!

He sensed that i was upset, which made him feel under pressure.... and he said he couldnt deal with this pressure and obviously thinks that a relationship comes with all this pressure. i told him the reasons why i was upset, the thing is i didnt get angry with him for smoking, or playing with his friends, i just told him i didnt like it, but if its what he wants to do, i cant stop him.... i told him that we can try and make it work so he doesnt feel pressure, that because he lives an hour away, we wont be in eachothers pockets like last year, so he would have a lot more space and 'freedom'... he would have the freedom to do whatever he wants... i just thjought considering we love eachother, and when we are together and its good its soo amazing.... why could we not see eachother.. but he just said he cant be in a relationship. so i said ok, and he said that ill always be special to him and that he will miss me, and i havent spoken to him since. and he hasnt tried to make contact either.

If he doesnt love me, then that one day we saw eachother why did he tell me he did and why did he tell me he didnt want to lose me? He even wrote me a song, and i know for a fact hes never writtena s ong for anyone before.

And i dont think its just about sex, cos the 3 months we were apart he slept with other girls... hes a good looking guy, and literally has girls throwing themselves at his feet... he can easily get sex!

And also, since november yes he would say he didnt want a relationship, but then other days hed say 'i dont know'... 'i miss u.... what we had was rare'.... and in january he said he wanted to try again, so why would he want to try again if he 100% didnt want a relationship?!


Sorry i know this has gotten really long now!! I just felt like i had to add in a lot more information!

So you think its my fault? That I let him come back and use me.... I just thought he genuinely still loved me, and I just kept thinking back to how amazing things were and I really thought we could work things out and be how we were bfore.
So what do I do know?

[xxazurexx]

The whole top and bottom of it is and despite what he said/did in the past and how fantastic it all seemed.....the relationship is over now and we can't force someone to come back to us and to love us!!

When he said he 'loved you and you are the best thing that happened to me'....he probably meant it when he said it, but he doesn't mean it now. ...or he'd still be with you.

Your story is by no means an 'exception' to other peoples stories. EVERYBODIES relationships start out in 'exactly' the same way as yours - in that it's all 'newfangle' in the very first few months, where 'lust' takes over and lots of loving and sweet words are exchanged. Just because someone tells you they love you - doesn't mean that you can just assume their love will last forever - in a lot of cases it doesn't. When they say 'I love you, you are the best thing that ever happened to me'.....they mean it AT THAT TIME. But six months down the road, his feelings could have changed.
The 'honeymoon' stage can last a long time for some, for others it only lasts a few months. If there is nothing else to sustain a relationship once the honeymoon stage is over, the relationship tends to end.

He's a 21 year old guy and IMO 21 year old guys are 'not' looking for a serious commitment. Some younger people tend to be 'fickle'. Their interests, loyalties can change, as often as they change their underwear....

If you two had been having sex....then the sex might have been what is bringing him back time after time. Like I always say, the sex is what guys hate to lose and when they end a relationship. Some guys/and girls, will keep an ex in the picture and to still ensure they get sex, as and when required.

He will return to you and when he isn't getting any elsewhere. If there is another female in the picture....he will drop you like a hotcake.

I don't believe there is any such thing as a 'committment 'phobe'. People don't fear comittment, they fear comitting to the 'wrong' person....

I have an ex EXACTLY the same as this guy and he was in his early 20's too.

Funny that this guy COULDN'T committ to me, but a year after our relationship finally ended, he married another female....

If you are wise you will cut this guy off. He will continue to 'use' you for as long as you allow it and discard you when the next piece of skirt comes along....

He could continue with this behaviour for the next few years and only a fool would wait around on a man like this.

I waited 5 years for a man like this....only to see him marry someone else.

Five years of my life I regret wasting!

[xxazurexx]

So you think its my fault? That I let him come back and use me.... I just thought he genuinely still loved me,

Men who love you don't 'yo yo' in and out of your life, as and when they feel like it.

He'd be with you in a proper relationship'

The guy isn't using you....YOU are allowing him to use you and only YOU can put an end to the cycle.

And i dont think its just about sex, cos the 3 months we were apart he slept with other girls... hes a good looking guy, and literally has girls throwing themselves at his feet... he can easily get sex!

So could my ex. In fact he was seeing other girls and during times we were apart. I always knew when there was another female in the picture and because he didn't bother with me.
And I always knew when he wasn't seeing anyone else and because he'd come back to me.....for 'sex'....

He can't always guarantee some girl will put out and no matter how good looking he is....he can guarantee 'easy sex' off you though and when his supply runs short...he will return.