Girlfriend of 4 years throws me a curveball

[Meach3505]

Let me just start off by saying I'm a newb to this board. I have a situation at hand that I'm not really sure how to deal with. Last fall my gf cheated on me with someone she works with. Keep in mind she had been employed at this place for 6 months before the affair started. I had my suspiscions, but anytime I would bring up this guy or anything that looked funny I got the same answer of no. I even caught them riding together to go to pick up lunch one day while I just happened to be coming through town. The affair took place from late september to late november and during that time my gf would rarely text or talk to me while she was at work. She also told me she was confused and didnt know where we were anymore. Felt like the spark was gone etc.

Finally in early December I got her to fess up about her cheating. At first she said they only had sex once, but then that turned into 3 times. And then she didnt know how many times for sure, but knew it wasn't very many. She swears he came on to her but I'm not really sure what to believe anymore.Words can't describe how angry I still am, especially with the fact we had gone out of state together for 2 NFL games at my expense during this whole ordeal.

Since I'm a farmer and all I'm pretty busy in the fall. This allowed her the time to do all of this. A good friend of mine who works at the same place as my gf does, also knows the guy she was involved with. His POV is that they were practically dating during the 2 months time while I was busy farming.

If this were any other girl I would have no problem telling them to hit the road. But we have lived together for 4 years. I never had one moment of doubt in this girl prior to last fall. Now I constantly want to check her phone for texts etc. She has expressed she made a mistake, swears that its over and she will never stray again. She also agreed to find a different job so she wasn't around him in any way.

As of now she still works there. She seems very regretful and has been here for me since she broke the news. I truely love this girl, and very much wanted to marry her. But now I'm not sure what to think with everything that has happened. I want to be able to move forward, forget the past and grow stronger. But there hasn't been a day since I found out that I havent thought about it. We have been through so much together I just wish she didnt cheat!

A little background info I'm 23 years old, the gf just turned 25. We met each other while playing with a popular local rock band we started 5 years ago. She is the lead singer and I'm the lead guitarist. Also she was married at the time our relationship started. Apparently her husband was abusive etc, just throwing that out there not saying its justified.

Is there hope for saving this relationship? Do people really get over these type of things and get married? Or should I just enjoy the good times we had and move on? Sorry for the long write up! Any helpful advice is welcome!

[curly1118]

Wow. Well let me say that first off: You were in a relationship with her while she was still married and you're surprised she cheated? I would be willing to bet that she has done it in the past. If I were you I would get out of this whole thing. I couldn't imagine some other guy being inside my girlfriend while her and I were dating. You might also wanna get tested for STI's and the like.

Another thing is that you shouldn't invade her privacy by checking her phone for texts and whatnot. Although what she did was wrong it doesn't make you right to go snooping through her crap. You already know she is a liar and a cheat. I don't think you need anymore evidence to back that up.

[girl68]

This is pretty much entirely up to you. You obviously have no trust in her. Would you agree with no trust you have nothing? I would. Do you see yourself able to trust her ever again? If so, how can she regain that trust? First things first why the hell is she still working there? That's total lack of respect for you on her side.

Stop thinking about marriage as of right now you are starting 10 steps back from when you first started dating and you have a long ass road ahead of you before thinking her in a white dress thoughts.

[Meach3505]

She says she still works there because she likes her job and there isn't anyone worth while hiring at the moment. I've put my foot down and told her that she will have to find another job soon or I will not stick around. Like I mentioned earlier one of my best friends works there with her, he has been my private eye so to speak. I would like to say that everyone makes mistakes we are only human. This is the first time she has ever done anything to betray my trust. I really love this girl but hate what happened. Its been 2 months since finding out and I still have trouble trusting her fully like I did before. Its easy to say dump her etc, but I feel like we are involved in so much together and were so strong at one point and time. Maybe I'm just stupid....But there is no doubt in my mind we would be engaged had none of this happened.

[girl68]

And what's she say when "you put your foot down?"

Notice I didn't say dump her. But she's done not a whole helluva lot that you mean more to her than a JOB.

[curly1118]

She still works there because she likes her job? Oh, but I thought she was in love with you...? Makes sense...

And yeah, people make mistakes, but not so many of them they lose count. That just sounds like you're trying to excuse her and justify sticking around.

[im_in_love]

She was cheating on someone when she started dating you... She cheated on you... What makes you think she won't do it again or hasn't done it another time?? I never understand why people think they can change someone like that.

[Sharz]

Shes only regretful because she got caught, Shes not wanting to quit her job for you shes doing it for herself. Im pretty open minded about these kidsn of things but you seam like a nice guy and I think you deserve much better. the feeling do ware of to by the way so dnt worry about htinking about her all the time, shes not worth your thoughts.

[Meach3505]

Thanks for the replies, I understand what alot of you are saying. I guess I just find it hard to face reality. I've never had any doubt in my mind about her faithfulness to me until last fall. All of my friends are shocked. As for putting my foot down I basically just told her how I felt and let her know I didnt approve of her working there. As for why she waited 2 months to tell me about the affair, her reasoning was she didnt want to lose me and didnt realize what she had until it was gone..... grass is greener on the otherside.. etc. Not to be cocky or anything but I'm an avid body builder that puts alot of time in the gym. Now I feel somewhat self conscious after this whole episode though. She swears its over and no communication goes on between her and this guy. Also I was somewhat scared to fully commit even though she was supposedly ready for me to propose last year. We've both been cannabis users off and on through out our relationship and I'm told I ignored some problems along with it. I'd very much like to forget the past and move forward with my life, but I'm not sure how or if it is possible. It tears me apart to think I was so close to having something, only to have it blow up in my face and be told I waited too long. I'll admit relationships change over time, but I feel we both took each other for granted and screwed things up for each other. Thanks for the help folks!

[carl1222]

What she's telling you then boils down to this: "If only you had proposed to me last year, I never would have f***ed my co-worker". Long term relationships take work, for sure ... and there is usually some blame on both sides, but relationship problems are no excuse for cheating ... EVER! Learn from your mistakes, for sure ... but SHE was the one who chose to take her clothes off for another man.

Now that you know how she deals with difficulties in your relationship (by cheating), only you can decide whether or not she is too risky to stay with.

Carl.

[girl68]

So you told her you disapprove and she says well I love working there.