gf broke up with me after 3 year relationship...

[Zinthar]

I apologize in advance for the length of this post, but any advice (including criticism) is much appreciated.

2 weeks ago my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me. We now both go to the same university and live close to each other. This was her first semester here, but I've been here for a year longer and am used to things. She was stressed throughout most of the semester...both from school and grades as well as feeling bad about dividing her free time between her suitemates and me. I fully understand this, and always tried to relieve her stress and re-assure her and love her as much as I could -- and when we were stress-free our relationship was absolutely fantastic. But there's more to it...

We have been best friends for the past year and a half. She had been very depressed at the end of high school, but made it through that with my support and knowing that this year we would be together. She's still my best friend...or at least was up until the breakup. But over the past couple of months I think we have drifted in this way and she feels more comfortable talking to one of her suitemates (who's a really cool girl who I really like as a person, but I missed some of the closeness that was lost between my now ex-gf and I).

She broke up with me 2 weeks ago, right before the toughest part of the semester (including finals), which she is really stressed about. I am too, but I'm used to it, and I find that I care much more about her than worrying about exams. Since then we've spoken very infrequently -- every time we talk it ends quickly as she says that she has something else she has to do. I worry that maybe the ultimate factor that caused this is that I was too loving and she felt smothered by it. When we were together I always understood that she had other things that came first and that I was satisfied just with the knowledge that she loved me dearly. The weekend before we broke up, she called me on Saturday night -- she had decided to watch a movie with her suitemates that night, and I went with some friends to a party in my apt complex. She called me later that night and was extremely sad and missed me badly and didn't like that I had been drinking (even though she knows that I never have more than 1-2 drinks) and basically I could tell that she strongly regretted not having been with me that night. While we were together, she loved me very intensely and aside from the strain we felt from when we couldn't be together our relationship was almost perfect.

My confidence was shattered after she broke up with me -- I was in shock and didn't understand -- I wanted to talk to her about it, and we did for a while, but she cut off communication for a while (probably feeling guilted by talking to me and seeing how hurt I was. After two long, hard weeks and trying all kinds of things to forget (I go to the gym 1-2 times a day now), I have my confidence back now and know that I could walk up to another girl at a club and ask her dance without even caring if I should be rejected. But still at night I can't sleep for hours at a time and I know that the only girl that I want to dance with, and be with, is my ex-gf.

So now I'm at a point with one week left in the semester. By next weekend all of her difficult finals will be over with and she should be much more relaxed. I was thinking of making one final, all-out effort next weekend to try to get her back -- flowers, a card with a poem written just for her, and dinner. I told her I want to be friends with her still, and she says she still loves me (but only as a friend), but I find the two to be pretty similar. My thinking behind one last effort to get her is that after 3 weeks apart from me and with finals over, I want to make a beautiful gesture to show her what she still means to me and hope that there are feelings inside her that feel the same still for me. She's a beautiful, caring woman that I care deeply for -- we hit it off immediately from the moment we first met years ago and have grown steadily even when being through a lot of tough times. If she has one fault, I think that it is that she often cares too much -- to the point where she wants to please everyone in her life, especially me, but feels hurt when its just impossible to actually do. And so when she feels like that she decides to just stop caring about what stressed her the most. I'm sure my love blinds me to other faults, but that's the way I feel.

[schueys_girl]

Well mate im not really sure what to say, from the sounds of it you seem a very caring and attentive boyfriend, something which I need in my relationship, and it seems such a shame that your ex has decided to end things with you. Maybe some people do not need to have so much attentivity (sorry i dont think thats a word!) and love and as you said come to feel smothered by it.

University is indeed a difficult time, I moved away to Liverpool last september but my boyfriend came up every weekend and we were fine, it was only when i didnt like my course and decided to move back home that we broke up...although eventually we got back together 6 months later. I think perhaps it happened because I was extremely stressed and probably not making his life good, so he ended and then when he initiated contact with me further down the line he then realised i had got over my stress and sorted my life out and I was the person he first fell in love with before.

What im basically saying is youve been right to give her some space, and i feel from a womans point of view that you should try once more with the dinner and a card etc after she has finished her exams, but maybe leave it a little bit longer after the exams so she has the time to de-stress and let her hair down a bit, and then swoop in with something romantic...which I think she may realise she is missing once she has time to relax.

Sorry for all this waffle I hope it helps...dont know if my advice is any good im fairly new at this and deep down I am just a big romantic
Hope your ok, x amy x

[Zinthar]

Thank you for the kind response -- it means a lot to me to hear from a woman who's been in my position before. I would have liked to have waited a little longer before making a last attempt with her, but unfortunately time isn't really on my side. The semester ends the Wednesday after next and she's going home for Christmas with her really good friend who lives in the same suite. So if I miss my chance this upcoming weekend I won't get another until around January 11th or so. Before she broke up with me, she was going to live with me in my apartment for the first week after break and another week or two before spring semester begins.

Anyway, I ended up calling her last night -- I asked her how she was doing and told her I'd like to see her once before she goes away for break. She agreed and so we're going to go see a movie next weekend, which is when I'll make my attempt. Till then I guess I'll try to avoid contact and give her plenty of space and time to study for exams.

[inkeepingsecret]

Well always get a little upset reading these posts that are so similiar to what i am going through. I'm pretty much in your shoes man, but i am doing it long distance. Its funny how all the women say the same thing....."i dont want to hurt you" "I just want to be friends" "I love you" you know, it really hurts when they say those things. Its like they say them to make you feel better, but the actually may be feeling that way....Anyway, sorry for rambling.

Yea, my g/f and I broke up around three weeks ago. I know all the feelings that you are going through, its tough man but hang in there. I was a mess. One day i crying trying to get back with her and the next i was hurting her and trying to get her to hate me. Sick i know, but i hated not knowing what was going to happen next. Then , one day i decided to cast all my fears aside and give her what she wanted. I realized that she was the one i wanted and if i didnt do everything in my power for her then i know i would have regrets. So, we talked everyday for a few days. I thought things were great, but when i went to sleep at night i felt even worse. She would say "i miss you and love you" you know,,and it made me feel so crappy. Then, a week ago i asked her why she wasnt letting me in. She told me that she is doing everything in her power to not think about us. I said that wasnt fair to me and that we shouldnt talk again until she knows wants. SO the waiting begins.The best thing to do i think, is to support or and her wishes. Give her space and dont give her a reason to feel trapped. I am sure she will come around. Be patient man, and know that no matter what you will be ok.

[schueys_girl]

It really is so hard to WAIT for that person to get in touch with you, to hold back and do nothing in the small hope that they WILL want you back. I realised this when i split up with my bf, it was so hard not ringing him and just talking to him, i did for the first week after we split but i realised it was really pissing him off and he was actually starting to hate me so i gave myself a little pep talk saying something like 'look you want him back, and your trying to do this by pissing him of and pestering him with conversations where you really have nothing to say to him, your just doing it out of habit.'

So i stopped ringing, texting anything. And it was so hard. But eventually 6 months later i got the courage to go out again to the nightclub in our local town (i went out in other areas because i didnt want to run into him and i knew he would be there) and he saw me realised he had made a mistake and what he was missing, so the wait was worth it.

I think the point is by continually calling and texting someone who has finished with you you are only pissing them off and they need the space, so when you reach for your phone to call them, call your best mate or your mom instead!