I give up.

**zoey123** · 13-02-11, 08:30 AM

I posted here a while back. I was in a relationship with my now ex boyfriend for about exactly a year. I connected with him on a level I had never connected with somebody else, and I truly love him. But our relationship was not good. While in it, I believed I shared the blame.

The first thing I found out was that he was flirting via text messaging with a girl he had known in hs.
The second thing was that he was secretly (even though I didn't mind) texting his ex girlfriend. He arranged to have lunch with her while I would be in class.
The third thing was coming to surprise him after work to find a married woman in his apartment with him. He swore it was nothing for hours. Yelled at me, cussed at me, threw things, called me names because I wasn't believing his bullshit. Turns out he'd been flirting with her for about a month and she'd sent several explicit pictures and they'd had dinner a couple times.
The fourth thing happened when we broke up for a day following this... he immediately had sex with the ex girlfriend he had lied about before.
The fifth thing is that I found out he had still been with this woman when he started dating me.
He told me absolutely none of this. I found it all out on my own, and every time he wouldn't confess even after he knew I knew, sometimes it would take days.
After this, nothing happened for 6 months. I'm very sure of it because I stupidly dedicated all of my energy and time into checking everything. He didn't know, but I had all of his passwords. Things were perfect for a while. We were truly happy.

He got a new job that had a very active happy hour culture. At least 3 or 4 times a week all the employees would go hang out at a bar together. 80 percent of these employees were attractive, single women. This caused a lot of fights... he wanted to go and I wasn't ready for that to happen that often, since the woman I found in his apartment had been a coworker at his previous job. It got to the point where every time there was a work outing, we would fight. One night, we were in bed cuddling. We'd had a wonderful day, finally, after a pretty bad week. He got a phone call from a friend, Hannah. She asked him if he wanted to go barhopping with her. He said no. About 5 minutes later he picked a ridiculous fight with me about the tv being too loud. I didn't want to fight so I just turned it off and said it didn't matter, I just wanted to be there with him. He then picked up his phone, called his friend Mark, and said "hey, let's go barhopping with Hannah" and went to get dressed. I got pretty pissed and then he told me he wanted a break. I told him that I sort of needed a break from the fighting but I wasn't going to give us a break just so he could go fool around with somebody and then have me back. If we were to take a break, it would just be a week or two, and we would be faithful. He promised me this.

He came over to my family's for Thanksgiving, still. It had already been planned and I didn't want to have to make excuses to my family and have them worry about our relationship. He came over and it was perfect, really a great holiday. That next morning, I logged onto his old email. He never used it, but I would check it because all of his fb notifications would go there. There was an email from his cell phone with 6 attachments. I opened it up, and there were nude pictures of one of his friends. I drove to his apartment and confronted him and he denied it all, true to form. I didn't say anything, just left. Then Christmas came. Same thing... I hadn't told my family yet. I was embarrassed. He asked to come and I said okay. The day before I stopped by his apartment (i still had a key) to tell him that while he was there I didn't want him touching me or kissing me or anything. I walked in, and on his open computer was a conversation with the first girl through which he told her "maybe you have a thing for me like i have a thing for you". He yelled and screamed at me for about an hour about what a "crazy bitch" i am for considering that flirting. But anyway, I found out he was at lunch with her. He called me at that moment, and I got him to make up this whole elaborate lie about being at his friend Chris's. I then called him a liar, he yelled at me, and I told him to go to hell. And that was it.

He's been texting me or calling me every day telling me that he loves me and misses me. I didn't respond for a while, but recently I did. He actually just told me the truth for the first time ever. But it makes me sick and it breaks my heart. He called a few days ago saying he wanted to be honest with me... and broke the news that a week after we split he had sex with the girl from the email pictures. He also had sex twice with his friend's wife. That floored me completely. And then he told me that he'd been texting the woman I found in his apartment, had taken her to lunch the day before. And that he had now cut all contact with all of them and knew that I'm the only thing he wants.

I don't know if I should be happy that he was honest with me. I told him to be. I told him I wanted to know if something happened. But it hurts so much. And I thought after all of this that I would hate him. But I don't. I love him. And I feel really sorry for him... and angry that we're missing out on what our relationship would have been if he had been faithful and honest.

He wasn't good to me when we fought. He didn't care when he made me cry. I've always been a very rational person. I like to calmly talk things through. I value listening and communicating. But when I would tell him how I felt, he would either say "you shouldn't feel like that" or "that's not true", or he would simply ignore me and turn on the tv. He would spend hours staring past me like I didn't exist while I begged him to hear me, to listen, to say anything at all. I also was always trusting. I was a firm believer in privacy, I never looked at my other ex's phone or email and I never wanted to. I've always been so calm, and he had my hysterical. Screaming and crying and helpless. He would break things, he would yell at me, he would call me names. He said it was all because of me, because of the way I acted.

But man... when it was good, it was so good. It was wonderful.

I know that this is it. I know that there is nothing good for me with him and I have to move on. But I just feel broken. I can't see myself with anybody but him. I don't know what to tell him. He started going to therapy twice a week, as his first step to "trying to get me back" and change. I think he can and will change... but I think that change is a long time coming and I can't let him hurt me more while I wait for it.

I guess I just need some support. I also feel like this has made me so pessimistic about relationships. Even when I look at people around me in good relationships, I feel sure that the guy has at least once been unfaithful. I don't want to trust anybody again.

**Horseyguy** · 13-02-11, 08:52 AM

Please don't say you want him back ... please

This guy doesn't love you and he wont change why waste another thought on him.

He's used you, abused you, been unfaithfull to you, lied to you and god knows what else

You don't trust him and righfully so.

So with him treating you like that and you not trusting him, this is never going to work

Please .. move on, you deserve a lot better than that

**DarkHelmet82** · 13-02-11, 09:11 AM

i agree... if he cared about you he wouldnt have done those things

**SelflessnHumble** · 13-02-11, 09:53 AM

Nobody *makes* you feel X, Y, or Z...YOU did that all on your own.
Instead of using your reasoning and rational thought process to understand...
You used emotional irrationalities to hold on to "what you had" not what it has devolved into (hint hint)

Worse: YOU are in love with a piece of shit that bangs you good, so the feeling is more important
to you than his character. The fact you chose a piece of garbage to be with doesn't mean: ALL guys are like this...

It means the *connection* you first had blinded your judgment and as you went deeper into the rabbit hole:
You allowed him to lie to you (and hurt you) in exchange for that "feeling" at your sanity's expense.

He invalidated your feelings, he disrespected the relationship, shitted on trust, the commitment and everyone else, and yet
Here you are...loving him just the same? Yikes. What kind of support do you want? Coddling?

You want everyone to tell you everything is going to be all right when you take him back (again?)

This kind of guy? Is only as faithful as his options.
He has the means, the motive and opportunity to get laid; he is going to take it!

**ccjc** · 13-02-11, 05:07 PM

I totally agree with with SelflessnHumble on the main that that your Ex sees women as objects and he'll take the opportunity to his full advantage.

Its a shame that you're still a believer in that this relationship will work out somehow. You definitely deserve someone who should treat you right!

You've pointed out a lot of warning signals that you could've kept at the back of your mind before making the next move and see if he has changed. You're pretty brave to always dig up dirt left in his email accounts or FB and question him about it.
If he didnt tell you about it, chances are you weren't meant to know about it AND if that's the case, it would say A LOT about the character he is.

I would pretty much sum up with SelfessnHumble has said about guys who use women but the worse of them all are ones who ABUSE them and disrespects them to the point them that they are a worseless pile of garbage.

No matter how much he tells you that he loves you, that only takes a couple of minutes to say something. But the cost it comes to you to recover and go through draumatic events like that would scar you for life.

It isnt worth it!

Even though your heart may yearn for him, does 100% of it REALLY say that?
I bet there's a part of your heart or YOU, that says it isnt a good idea.

Trust your gut!

Dont be afraid to trust other guys who you will meet, you'll build that over time

**Petit Papillon** · 13-02-11, 06:43 PM

Shit happens, be glad that you've wasted just one year. You have to know those things
1.He's a piece of crap
2.He doesn't deserve you.
3.You don't deserve to be in such relationship.
4.Everyone falls for such shit at least once in a life time, or rather women fall for this, dunno how men hehe .
5.This is your lesson ,learn from it.
6.Tell your familly for God's sake, anyway I'm sure they felt it long time ago,just didn't want to tell you anything to upset you
7.Don't you even try to fall for his lies again. Fool me once,shame on you. Fool me twice,shame on me.
8.No contact,completely, he will stop trying after some time.
9.Last but not least, don't you even think that all guys are like this. What you have to do is to turn the page over and start again.

To make you feel better, I was in a very similar situation, my ex also cheated on me, I felt it and sometimes I had a prove for it, but he always found a good excuse. He also insulted me everytime I tried to talk through a problem or ask him uncomfortable question.He would act like a psycho. Also after I broke up with him, he would send me msgs, i would ignore all of them. After I met my current bf, he would insult me and my bf

Funny story. Anyway , ignoring him made him shut up so I highly recommend it

Such guys like your and my ex are relationship's sociopaths. They don't have feelings, they posess things, like you or me. Short after breaking up with my ex I started a relationship with my current bf.Ok ,he might have been a rebound at the beginning but I gave him the chance and now I'm happy since more than 2 years

. Good luck