My girlfriends past

[007nick]

So, I am a 36 year old guy and my gf is a 40 year old woman. We have been together for about 9 months and we have a lot in common. We get along pretty well and we have great sex. My issue is that we had "the talk" (about our pasts, numbers, details, etc.) a few weeks ago. I realize that this probably wasn't a good idea but we cant take it back now. The issue is that she has been a good bit more promiscuous than I am really okay with. She's been with about 25 guys. She's had a couple threesomes. I didn't ask but I'm sure I'd also cringe at the number of guys that she's simply gone down on, etc. Now, we've both been married and we've both been in loving relationships and I have no problem with those realtionships. I have issues with the one-stands, nsa blow jobs, threesomes, etc... These things cheapen her in a way to me. I'm not cool with a girl who can just give away her most intimate of things without so much as being bought a drink by the guy. I'll also point out that she says that all of the promiscuity happened over 15 years ago when she was in her early twenties. She admits that she was a bit slutty back then but learned that she shouldn't behave that way and hasn't since - but not before sharing herself with lots of guys. I feel like there are loads of guys walking around with every bit as much experience with my girlfriends body as I can ever have. To me, it eliminates intimacy. And, if you're wondering, I've actually had about the same number of sexual partners, so I know this sound hypocritical but I honestly think its different for a guy than it is for a girl. I used women. She GOT used. I'm really struggling with this and I'd rather iron this out and move on than break up with her. Any advise would be much appreciated. Thanks!

[vertical_sky]

There are a lot of threads already on here, but I'll sum up...

You're hypocritical.
Either break up with her or get over it.

Additionally, you don't know that "she got used" in the same way you used women (wow, what an upstanding guy YOU are, using women for sex... And yet she's accepted your past and hasn't dumped your slutty ass.) Contrary to popular belief, there are lots of women with high libidos who enjoy a good screw as much as a guy. She was only "used" if she was being manipulated or doing something against her better judgment. For all you know, she did it because she enjoys sex!

And here's the real kicker... You get the benefit of her enjoying sex. Her past means she is in touch with her sexuality and can bring a lot of experience to the table. There are SOOO many guys out there complaining that their wife/girlfriend is no longer interested in sex, or just lays there. Part of that is because our society raises women to view their sexuality as dirty, their genitalia as ugly, and any behavior that doesn't fall within strict guidelines as "slutty."

So which would you rather have, the experienced girlfriend with the amazing sex and still-burning drive or a virginal innocent who just lies there in bed and has lost pretty much any interest in intercourse?

The bottom line is, your girlfriend can't change her past. It's a past that occurred DECADES ago. If you can't get over it, then let her know you're a giant judgmental hypocritical ass, and that there are PLENTY of divorced men DYING for a mature and sexual woman after years of getting frozen out by their ex-wives.

[Charlotte12]

[I've actually had about the same number of sexual partners, so I know this sound hypocritical]]

You're basically saying that you wouldn't date yourself. In fact, you point out that you used women where she was used by men. In that picture you've painted, her story sounds much sadder and more vulnerable and make you sound like you were kind of an asshole. You should be thankful she is not using the same scoring card as you, because you'd be failing.

[hello1]

You say you used women (what a nice man you sound) what makes you think she was used? she wanted the sex just as much as the guy did, just because she's a woman does not mean she doesn't like sex or should limit herself. The simple fact is you both got the same number, how dare you of all people think badly of her when you done the same thing. I understand men who come on here saying, oh my wife/girlfriend slept with more people than me, jealous of her past etc but this isn't the point with you, the point if your the same.

She is better off without your sexist arse!

[sweetkissesforu]

There are a lot of threads already on here, but I'll sum up...

You're hypocritical.
Either break up with her or get over it.

Additionally, you don't know that "she got used" in the same way you used women (wow, what an upstanding guy YOU are, using women for sex... And yet she's accepted your past and hasn't dumped your slutty ass.) Contrary to popular belief, there are lots of women with high libidos who enjoy a good screw as much as a guy. She was only "used" if she was being manipulated or doing something against her better judgment. For all you know, she did it because she enjoys sex!
And here's the real kicker... You get the benefit of her enjoying sex. Her past means she is in touch with her sexuality and can bring a lot of experience to the table. There are SOOO many guys out there complaining that their wife/girlfriend is no longer interested in sex, or just lays there. Part of that is because our society raises women to view their sexuality as dirty, their genitalia as ugly, and any behavior that doesn't fall within strict guidelines as "slutty."

So which would you rather have, the experienced girlfriend with the amazing sex and still-burning drive or a virginal innocent who just lies there in bed and has lost pretty much any interest in intercourse?

The bottom line is, your girlfriend can't change her past. It's a past that occurred DECADES ago. If you can't get over it, then let her know you're a giant judgmental hypocritical ass, and that there are PLENTY of divorced men DYING for a mature and sexual woman after years of getting frozen out by their ex-wives.

you said and i agree to many men judge woman but its a notch in their bedpost

[Kaius]

The weirdest thing.... I'm 36 and my fiancee is 39, and we have been together 15 months. We had "the talk" about 10 months ago, and she told me she has been with 2 men before her ex-husband. That may not sound like a large number, but I felt really bad about it. I was hung up on the fact that she had 2 serious boyfriends before marriage, and I felt disgusted. I've had 8 women before I got married, and all of them were virgins, including my ex-wife (not including the cougar). So I was being a hypocrite as I didn't think men and women should be counted equally in terms of sexual partners. I was totally being consumed by my own mind, as I would imagine what she did with her past relationships. It turns out her relationships, including her marriage, were all abusive. Her exs all cheated on her, and one even beat her. She was never happy before she met me. Then I realized, all of my frustrations were caused by my own brain. She never had good sex until she met me, and she loves me so deeply that she tells me "I wish you were my first, because you are certainly my only."

My point is, no matter what is going through your brain, nothing can change the past. You have a choice to leave the relationship if you don't wish to ever be reminded of her past. Or you can just accept it, and turn it into something positive. If she stays with you and tells you that you are the best she has ever had, at least you know that she knows enough to judge. Also, her past experience probably makes her an incredible lover in bed. My ex-wife (a virgin when I met her) was horrible in bed, and it was so frustrating throughout our 12 years marriage. My current fiancee and I are very sexually compatible, partly because we had past relationships, and know exactly what we like and dislike. It's all up to you how positive/negative your relationship will be based on your past. If you don't like women with promiscuous pasts, then date someone much younger, or someone with more traditional background. You have a choice, you know?

[xxazurexx]

Big hypocrit...

Why don't you do her a favour and let her find some guy who isn't 'obsessed' with her past and a past that happened years before YOU came along.

Go find yourself a version of SNOW WHITE instead (if ya lucky enough to find one that is)

[Kaius]

Big hypocrit...

Why don't you do her a favour and let her find some guy who isn't 'obsessed' with her past and a past that happened years before YOU came along.

Go find yourself a version of SNOW WHITE instead (if ya lucky enough to find one that is)

Snow White was a slut. She had 7 little old men, at the same time.

[SelflessnHumble]

(1) Hypocrites are bullshit for relationships...If you aren't able to see your woman as your equal: you're a piece of shit (no offense) of course
(2) The first 3 reasons tell me a lot about you: a lot in common, getting along pretty well: and have great sex. (two previously sexually promiscuous people ought to be great at sex, right?)
(3) You have an ego issue: because SHE has done more with those same amount of partners: you have no choice but to feel repulsed by what she did and HOW she did it...

(it's a defense mechanism to deflect from the real issue) She's been a bad a$$ Sexual Tyrannosaurus and psychologically: she is "up on you" in this department.
So you have to create the perception that it's cool for a man, and not for a woman to be like this because you view it as her being cheap.

Why do people break up?

-Expecations
-Failure to openly and honestly communicate
-Lack of trust and respect

See, I know how you feel, because at one point I dated the equivalent to Traci Lords...and it made my peepee feel small. It destroyed my ego.
Eventually: she ended up resenting me for it, and dumped me (for HER problem) that I perceived it to be.

I always thought women were supposed to stay in the kitchen, and were supposed to be a virgin until I met them....Not going to happen dude!
The fact is; she's had more experiences AND without even needing the dude to give her a beer first...

This situation is simple; You can't sit her down and tell her: nor hold her accountable: because:
THIS happened in her past: and she wanted to he honest with you about it. (which for an insecure man like you was a huge mistake) she will end up regretting...

So you must either accept this and move on OR
You need to sit her down: and tell her that her sexual choices and her reasons for doing so: are something you aren't willing to deal with or handle because it destroyed your Ego...

[Kaius]

^^^ He has every right to know about her past so he can decide if he's comfortable with it. I'm sure a lot of guys would be fine with a hot girl who has experience.
But there are a lot of guys, like Op and me, who get repulsed by women who put out easily. It shows that the girl has low self-worth, and doesn't view sex as a significant connection between 2 people.
It shows that the girl lacked attention, and didn't value her own well-being. It shows recklessness and irresponsibility. It's okay for men to be "slutty" because they have less to lose.
We don't have to worry about pregnancy, and we are less susceptible to STDs. We can emotionally detach and walk away. Therefore, it's not hypocrisy, but rather, a different standard.
Things that happen in the past eventually catch up. You go to a social gathering, and people know who has slept with your woman, because people TALK! You don't want to feel like a chump when
someone tells you, "hey I heard your girl used to do 3-somes, and was a total slut."... or "hey I remember your girl...I used to bang her on weekends"! So the past does matter...no matter how you look at it.
If you are cool with a girl who has a wild past, then that's wonderful. If you are not, then you should find girls who are much younger and are from traditional families. Plenty of women like that, so
it's not like your ideal woman is out of reach. Why settle for someone whose past will haunt your relationship forever? If you are not okay with it, you should break up. It's not unreasonable.

[SelflessnHumble]

I agree he has the right to know: in fact: she told him the truth.
He isn't able to cope with the information she told him...so if he cowers because he's unable to deal with it (it isn't due to the reasons you mentioned either)
Then clearly he needs to get with a woman he knows isn't an easy piece of a$$, nor was one at one time.

However: it IS being a hypocrite if he feels a man who does the same thing isn't as bad as a a woman who does the same.
See, I'm not a coward as I once was. If someone told me (and I already knew) that my girl once had a 3 some, why would I get offended?

If he was disrespecting her? Then there would be a problem, not because of what she did in the past, but how she is being treated NOW because of it.
Big difference.

In the end: of course it's his right to dump her because he fails to have the needed self confidence to be with someone who's chosen to be a swinger...
These people aren't for everyone.

[xxazurexx]

Snow White was a slut. She had 7 little old men, at the same time.

Not in the story I was brought up with

He has no right to know her past. Who the heck he think he is, Sherlock frigging Holmes????

And I can't stand hypocrisy. One rule for him, another rule for her....

God knows where he's had his chopper...but does he hear her complain?? Uhm..no!

I can't imagine being so OBSESSED with a partners past and if I was, I'd top myself.

[xxazurexx]

Then clearly he needs to get with a woman he knows isn't an easy piece of a$$,

Few and far between these days....I wish him luck, lols

Maybe she would also prefer a guy who hadn't been a TOTAL SLUT also

[Charlie Boy II]

Woman don't understand a guy's take on this issue, because it's not rational.


I think I'm a pretty new-age guy, but I would HATE to hear about my girlfriend having one night stands. I know it's not fair, because I've had them. But I can't help my reaction. It's a gut response, involuntary.

[Darkest Heaven]

I'm a 22 year old male and while I don't enjoy the thought of somebody else doing what I do with her in bed or otherwise really, I understand that it's the past. She can't change who she slept with any more than I can change my feelings about it, but I would never hold it against her.

Bottom line, your boy friend needs to either put up or f off, because as of now, he's mistreating you.