Help! I'm too passive in bed!!!

[happagirl]

Hi there!
Thanks for reading my post!
I'll try to get through this without blushing.
I am in a fabulous committed relationship with my wonderful boyfriend of 6 months.
I love him to pieces and he treats me so well.

My problem is that I was a virgin until about a month and a half ago- and he has always been really understanding and not wanting to push me into situations where I am not comfortable.
At the start, we would make love twice a night- granted we don't live together and I was only able to see him twice a week.
As of the last few weeks, he has had difficulty maintaining an erection the second time.

For me, this isn't a big deal- I never turn down his advances but, all the same, I'm just as happy just having him close to me.
(Maybe that's my problem)
I'm concerned, however, because he is concerned.

I thought maybe he just isn't really attracted to me and that is influencing the difficulties the 2nd time- and then I thought maybe it was a deeper psychological issue (his mindset was influencing things the second time- maybe commitment based?)

While he was pondering aloud one evening, he wondered if it is just because I'm too passive in bed.
His words were "Maybe it has something to do with my age. Or maybe it's because you just kind of lay there".
I was absolutely mortified.
I am so guilty- I just lay there and I know I do- but I don't know what else to do.

I've always been a shy girl. I know I'm not so comfortable with my body and I am as uncoordinated as all get out.
He suggested that maybe if I were on top it would help me to be more assertive in the situation, but I just freeze and cover my face in embarrassment.

How anyone is as bad at making love as I am- I just don't know.

He means more to me than anything and there is almost nothing that I won't do to please him, but I just don't know what I need to do to be more assertive.

I never thought about sex before I was with him and I'm not one to observe pornography- which are the suggestions that I've had from friends.

What can I do to be more assertive or at least show him that I am trying.

Additional Information:
There is a 9 year age difference between the two of us- I'm 23 and he is 32, and so he wonders if his age has anything to do with his difficulty maintaining a second erection.
His refractory period tends to be about an hour and a half, and then mentally he is ready for more intimacy.
He can experience an erection, but when it comes to our having contact, it is not enough to be maintained throughout intercourse.
He had 5 girlfriends/intimate partners before me.
When he talked about his sexual experiences with them, they included a dressing room, a car and a boat.
Not to be pretentious but I breathed somewhat of a sigh of relief thinking that maybe those girl were bold because they were more experienced- quite the contrary- they were ALL virgins before they started seeing him.
I know it shouldn't bother me because there is no changing the past- but knowing that they were all virgins as well makes me a little sad.
The one thing that I was counting on as my defense (This is my first time doing things like this) is moot because it was their first time doing those sorts of things too.


I just don't know what to do.
Can you offer me suggestions, please?

[vashti]

No offense, but he sounds like kind of a jerk, to be blaming this on a girl who has only been having sex for 6 weeks. If he wanted sex like a rock star, he should have found someone who wasn't a virgin.

If you are unwilling to watch porn, I suggest you visit the book store's sex section, where they will have books with illustrations.

Also, I think if you were actually enjoying sex enough to orgasm, you wouldn't feel quite so shy. You might mention this to the boyfriend.

[sweetkissesforu]

[url=http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?id=2188&type=book&cn=10]Review - How to Make Great Love to a Man - Sexuality & Sexual Problems[/url]

[Boisdevie]

At the age of 32 if he can't maintain an erection sounds like he should go and see his doctor. That is not normal and to be honest blaming you is awful.

[elves235]

I think it's his fault not to show u to sex skills. He ought to tell u what to do. If he can't maintain an erection it's his and your mistake I think. U could tell him it's fine and u wouldn't mind and u guys could try another time

[rvanodia]

Go to a sex therapist

[steviej]

Maybe after the first time he's just got nothing left in the tank for round 2!

[tgoodspe]

Maybe after the first time he's just got nothing left in the tank for round 2!

It's true, it's natural for guys to lose an erection after the first time. And, after a short break or something, going back he should have an erection again. If he loses it...then maybe he's the one who doesn't know what he's doing.. lol

[surgarmuffin24]

Tell him to teach you! Ask him what he likes. It's okay if you just like snuggling, be honest about it, but also let him know you're open to exploring with him. It's okay to feel awkward the first time. It could be fuunnnn....

[gigigi4]

maybe he just made that comment because he was embarrassed or something, but it was really mean and obviously has made you feel awful. no one is naturally bad at sex- especially after only 6 weeks- the only really "bad" thing someone can do is make their partner feel insecure or inferior, which is what HE did. instead of only focusing on his pleasure, i would focus on what you like and i think then you will naturally become more enthusiastic. but i think honestly you should also address the subject of what he said with you, talk about what would make your sex life better for both of you.

[MaidenMinx]

Oh hun, what a situation for you.

I do have a little suggestion for you. If being on top embarrasses you ( I can understand that) try blindfolding him. That way you can fumble around as much as you need to without him watching you. Taking away his sight will also heighten his other senses.
Also try doggy style. It's a great position for being able to move easily in, you don't have the embarrassment of feeling watched and it's a position most guys adore.

Another thing, there are some great books out there for showing how to do these positions. Some of them have drawings rather than photos so you don't have to feel like you're looking at porn.

[missquinn86]

aww hun, i'm sorry that you feel the way you do I don't really know exactly what it is that i can say to help you...i'm the total opposite. I'm female but i've always been the one to initiate everything and take the lead hahah. You need to explain to him your insecurities....
Leave dirty messages on his mobile, this will indicate the mood you are in. Give him oral pleasure. Watch a dirty flick together. Buy some sexy lingerie? Have sex somewhere else besides you bedroom? There are many things you can do to spice up your sex life. You really need to focus on your own self image, because if your not 100% comfortable, it will show in the bedroom. Like one of the other uses said-blindfold him...that way, he can't see what your doing. Maybe put more effort into foreplay? I don't think that he is being very fair on you though-there are PLENTY of women who are passive in the bedroom....communication is the key hun, good luck

[missquinn86]

sorry, i just remembered that you wont watch porn-so obviously ignore what i wrote about watching one lol

[cheeky&sexy]

have a few drinks before u have sex next time.. should give u more confidence and get u in the mood. once you're confident and have had a good experience, u will then be able to do it sober too. i feel bad for u and i kind of get where you're coming from. i am a lot better and confident at sex when im drunk, but when im sober im a bit more insecure and shy and so i prefer to let the guy take the lead. So i suggest having some drinks to relax.

I also would suggest this website.. i havent been to it in a long time but when i was first having sex i used to go to this site.. google 'sex 101'. they have naked animations so u can see how things are done but its not porn.. im like u n not into watching porn so thats what i did instead. u can find a lot of information online, also i think its important to look for info about oral sex. If you're going to be passive during intercourse sometimes.. i think good oral sex can make up for a lot.

He was a dickhead for acting the way he has about it, by the way. But maybe his issue isnt that u arent doing it right, i mean if his always on top i doubt the issue is about your movements.. his probably trying to tell u that he wants u to be more into it, more enthusiastic. Show him your passion for him. I know its hard now that his lowered your self confidence and made u feel like an idiot though, which is why i think u need to talk to him. Tell him you're eager to learn from him and be enthusastic about it, and then he'll enjoy teaching u and building your confidence up. Dont get too down about your differences in experience levels because as long as u show willingness to learn it should be okay.

[hello1]

He should be teaching YOU. Tell him that!

Also I find it strange all his ex were virgins, that well freaky,