Have you ever been stalked?

[VincenzoG91]

Regardless of whether or not my ex-girlfriend and I get back together, there is a distinct possibility that she and I will both be dealing with a stalker, starting in May. That's when she is planning to leave the abusive guy who she is currently living with, and I want to get ready for that day.

She is planning on getting a temporary order of protection so that she can safely move out and put all her stuff in storage. Then she is going to rent a room somewhere for the summer, until she can move onto campus next fall for grad school. The biggest challenge that she faces is that this guy seems to have placed a GPS tracking device on her car somewhere.

My problem is that this guy knows where I live and has been making threats behind my back for years. He is definitely going to blame me when she disappears, and will probably retaliate against me. I plan on buying a house next fall and don't want to move before then because things are incredibly busy at work. Our company is relocating a few miles away and also undergoing some serious growing pains, and as a member of the senior management team, I'm working a lot of weekends dealing with related issues.

So, while I've been reading a lot on online about dealing with stalkers, I'm also interested in practical advice from people here who have actually been stalked. Any tips?

[Ferg]

Are we talking about a seriously threatening guys here? Get a dog and/or a gun. Probably not going to be a popular answer, but it is waaaaaaay more effective than a restraining order. Do some digging into some Supreme Court cases and you will find that, time and time again, courts have ruled that the police are not legally required to enforce restraining orders. Police have a duty to protect the public, not individuals (according to the courts), and there are far too many cases where they have failed to responded to 911 calls involving violated restraining orders. Even if they do respond, as they say, when seconds count, the police are only minutes away.

And yes, I have been stalked by someone who seemed to be dangerous. I'm glad I had both the dog and the gun.

[VincenzoG91]

He is career military, in the National Guard Reserves, so I assume that he has a gun. I'm 6'1", 190#, and this is guy is maybe 5'10" and 170#, while my ex is 5'0" and 115#, so I'm not intimidated by his appearance but she is. Most of his abuse was verbal, but sometimes he also pushed her or grabbed her arm. Sometimes he has taken away her car keys, cell phone and/or purse.

From what I've been reading, 70% of all restraining orders get violated at least once, so I expect him to violate it. That's why my ex is going into hiding for a while as soon as she moves out. I also bought her pepper spray disguised as a lipstick tube, because I know that she would refuse to carry a gun. Just in case, I also got some pepper spray to carry in my car and to leave by the front door when I'm home. Despite my expectation that he will violate the restraining order, I still want my ex to get it. This guy is 33, so if he stays out of trouble for a few more years, he can qualify for a military pension. If he violates the restraining order a few times, he could get jail time and then maybe a dishonorable discharge. They supposedly take restraining orders seriously around here, and treat repeat violations as also being in contempt of court.

The GPS tracking is a concern. It's no big deal if it's on her phone, because she will be getting a new phone just before the move anyway, with a new number. But if the GPS tracking is on her car, that could be hard to find. And he might tag my car, too.

[ashley89]

I have been stalked but it was nothing like this... the guy would basically drive by my house and show up randomly, when I didn't expect him to or even explicitly told him not to.

[Ferg]

My situation involved being stalked by the guy that my ex-wife cheated on me with. She cut off communication with him and moved out of the house. I woke up to him staring through my bedroom window at me.

Pepper spray is a good call, VincenzoG91, for both you and her. Extremely effective stuff.

[qwertz]

Do you really believe this is actually happening? I mean, have you witnessed/seen proof that he is how he is? She could be telling one bigger whopper again...

[xxazurexx]

I'd just buy a big dog and carry some pepper spray around with you and because you never know when the loony could strike and he'd probably attack from behind.

I had a stalker, an ex. My dad had to escort me places...I was only 17. Then I moved to my mums and he followed me there. He wasn't actually causing trouble, just wanted me back I guess...

Then I met a guy online who became a bit obsessive. Loads of calls and all the time, he googled my hometown all the time and then showed up in my hometown and surprised me with a call saying he was here..I hadn't even been expecting him, lol

None of these were of course dangerous stalkers like you may experience.

I'd also have security lights fitted around your home for after dark and invest in circuit tv and for if he decides to cause any damage to your property, car, etc....

[Sonrisa]

i been stalked by my ex, he'd wait outside till wee hours waiting for me to show up with guys and then start screaming at us, spray paint love notes on my windows.

[xxazurexx]

My situation involved being stalked by the guy that my ex-wife cheated on me with. She cut off communication with him and moved out of the house. I woke up to him staring through my bedroom window at me.

Perhaps it was you he'd really fancied all along.....lols

God I'd have crapped myself. I hope him staring at you wasn't accompanied by thundering and lightening and heavily raining like in the horror movies.....yikes!!

[VincenzoG91]

Do you really believe this is actually happening? I mean, have you witnessed/seen proof that he is how he is? She could be telling one bigger whopper again...

Saw him at the gym tonight. This is the only time that I've seen him since the night he showed up on my doorstep one month ago. I live in Saint Paul and work out in a gym in very urban area there. He lives in a yuppie section of Minneapolis and doesn't even belong to a gym. But there he was, in the pool area tonight, standing in the far corner with his arms crossed, watching me. The only person he talked to the whole time was a regular who is ex-military. I think he was asking the guy about me, because the whole time they talked, they were facing my direction. I was soaking in the hot tub after a long workout. Afterwards, I got out and sat on the side, cooling down. He walked right in front of me, in a way that I consider a violation of my personal space, with one of his feet just inches from my toes as he walked by, even though there was six feet of space between the hot tub and the edge of the pool. This idiot is going to get his gourd stomped soon if he tries to play games with me.

I should have known this might happen. I like to work out at this gym because it's only two blocks from where I work, and my ex-girlfriend likes to work out there in hopes of seeing me again and saying hi. She had her regular aerobics class tonight and he must have decided to check up on her by getting a temporary pass.

[Ferg]

Perhaps it was you he'd really fancied all along.....lols

*shudder* Sort of. He had some plan of getting my wife and I involved in some sort of polyamorous relationship with both him and his girlfriend.

God I'd have crapped myself. I hope him staring at you wasn't accompanied by thundering and lightening and heavily raining like in the horror movies.....yikes!!

Almost as bad. I woke up to my dog growling beside my bed and sitting perfectly still. I followed her gaze and saw his silhouette. I didn't even realize who it was until he ran away when I yelled, "I have a gun and I'm not afraid to use it."

[MerryH]

Saw him at the gym tonight.

His behavior could also be consistent with him thinking that you're the terrible person she told him you are. She tells him that you're abusive, a stalker, or whatever makes her look like a victim (same thing she told you about him) so he shows up to try to intimidate you so you'll back off. And how does he know what gym you go to? Did Amy tell him that?

Anyway, you lie with dogs, you get fleas and whatnot. Buy a gun and learn how to use it.

Edit to be more helpful: Look into your state's laws about restraining orders and what would have to happen for you to get one against him for yourself (not Amy. **** her.) I would think you need to fill out some paperwork, so go pick up/print out those documents and have them on hand. Get as much basic info on Craig (full name, address, phone number, employer?) as you can from Amy. Actually, a bonus comes with that - if Amy acts weird about giving you all this info, then maybe she's not being all that honest with her intentions. She should be completely on board with you getting the restraining order. It's possible you could get the right now. If so, don't wait until May.

[qwertz]

I still dont buy it. She probably told him you are the stalker- so he felt the need to show his presence and look out for her.

[VincenzoG91]

I don't think she told him that I'm the stalker, because he seemed friendly enough the one time he showed up to introduce himself. Of course, he is probably lying, too, since he lied about them being engaged. There's no ring, and she's planning to leave him, whether or not I'm in the picture. That doesn't sound like an engagement.

As for why he was at the gym, he was checking up on her and happened to see me. The problem there is that she should be working out at some other gym in that chain, but she's working out at the one near my workplace in hopes of running into me more often.

[misombra]

this chick should give lessons on how to lie and manipulate. I'm actually impressed by her ability to be so cunning.

I think the first lesson would be 'how to spot the suckers to whom you will lie and manipulate.'