Seriously, are my expectations too high?

[kiwi84]

Will we ever NOT butt heads?

I really don’t even know where to begin on this one. I have been dating this man for about a year now. The relationship itself has been rocky and very “up and down”. We’ve lived together for a couple months here and there, as I always end up moving out because we cannot get along.

He was pretty much single for ten years prior to being with me. Has little experience living with someone therefore his very “ME” orientated. I, on the other hand, have had 2 three year live-in relationships so I am relatively used to it.

I feel he is incredibly stingy. But I am wondering if I am merely expecting too much out of him. I’ve provided several examples below:

1) When I moved in with him I gave away and sold many of possessions as well as rented out the condo that I own. I paid him a decent sum per month in rent and utilities and covered half the groceries. In his line of work, his annual income is quite high, but he may go months without being employed. With that said, there were a few months he was unemployed. As he is not much of a forward-thinker or saver he quickly became low on money. As it was just after Christmas, I told him I could help him out more at month’s end (he still had EI coming in and was nowhere near “rock bottom”). Two weeks before month end, he tells me that should my renter not renew his lease, I am still accountable to paying him his “rent” and my own mortgage. I felt that he was being a complete hypocrite. Expecting me to help him out over and above our arrangement because he can’t manage his money, but then expecting me to continue to pay a good portion of HIS mortgage and my own? If I scratch your back, you scratch mine. Then he went on to say that it was the first time I have ever offered to help him and he has been struggling for do long (couple months) and that he doubts I would have even helped him. So I moved out. Am I expecting too much out of him?

2) He is now working, making VERY decent money and I am struggling a bit. We are no longer living together and barely see each other as he is working out of town. So, for Valentines Day he told me to pick a restaurant and that he would treat me. So I did. And he paid. But let me tell you how that weekend went:
• I got to his house on the Friday, and ordered pizza (because he told me not to eat and that he was getting pizza). I ended up paying.
• Prior to dinner on Saturday we went shopping for 4 hours for him. He spent $800 on himself while I hauled around his shopping bags all day. Then we went for appetizers and drinks while we waited for his pants to be tailored. I paid. We then went for dinner (in which he paid). After that, we went to a comedy show and had several drink – I paid.
• The following day I went out and spent about $40 on a few small thoughtful gifts for him (as it was our last weekend together for awhile AND V-Day). I got a card.
• The end result, I paid more for a weekend that he said he would treat ME to. I don’t like to “nickel and dime” everything but the reasoning behind why I do are provided in my third (and last example)

3) HE ADDS UP EVERY PENNY SPENT ON ME – Should he EVER pick be up a bottle of wine, he makes sure to add the $13 to the $120 I owe him from the grocery bill. It ****ing pisses me off so much. Yet, I’ll always pick him up beer and cigarettes and such on my way over without saying a word. So, now I have started making a list of how much money I do spend on him and us.

I think it is SO stupid to be arguing about this but I absolutely cannot stand how tight wadded he is. He thinks that I want someone to “pay my way” in life. When in all reality, all I effing want is someone who takes care of me the best they can, as I do for them. Someone who makes plans with me with respect to our future, etc. He says, we aren’t married and are merely boyfriend and girlfriend. But why ask someone to move in with you then? Isn’t that in itself a fairly large commitment?

I know I’m all over the map here, and probably should have taken some time to organize my thoughts more appropriately but I’m just so frustrated with his cheapness towards me. AM I OVERANALYZING? ARE MY EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH?

Any advice is appreciated!!!

[HeartIsAching]

Your expectations do not seem too high. Try communicating your issues with him. If you can't discuss it and come to an agreement, it's time to walk.

[simplyc]

I would say that your expectations are certianly not to high... in fact you may want to ask yourself if being in this realtionship is really the best thing for you. I'm not pretending to understand your situation fully but if this stuff bothers you that much your just going to end up depressed about it if the relationship continues. If at this point he is still the same (and its been a year you say) then you can't really expect him to ever change. Ask yourself if this is what you want for yourself and remeber that there is always someone else out there.

Just my 2 cents!

[carl1222]

I would say that your expectations are certianly not to high... in fact you may want to ask yourself if being in this realtionship is really the best thing for you. I'm not pretending to understand your situation fully but if this stuff bothers you that much your just going to end up depressed about it if the relationship continues. If at this point he is still the same (and its been a year you say) then you can't really expect him to ever change. Ask yourself if this is what you want for yourself and remeber that there is always someone else out there.

Just my 2 cents!

Careful, simplyc ... if he finds out about your two cents, he'll add it to kiwi's bill!!

Seriously ... he is the cheapest of the cheap. You can either resign yourself to live with it ... or move on. He isn't likely to change soon.

Carl.

[sweetkissesforu]

Has he ever been married really sounds verrrry cheap and id runnnnnnn

[kiwi84]

He's never been married, no. I'm actually in a "text battle" with him now. I just don't think he gets what 'm saying and unfortunately there is really no polite way to tell someone that they are a tight wad!

[carl1222]

Just say "Wads come in all sizes ...and you are a tight one, my dear."

[simplyc]

Careful, simplyc ... if he finds out about your two cents, he'll add it to kiwi's bill!!

Seriously ... he is the cheapest of the cheap. You can either resign yourself to live with it ... or move on. He isn't likely to change soon.

Carl.

lol...

But seriously this is the truth... some people are "savers" (aka cheap) and that's just the way they are, they don't change... and I'm saying that from expirence.

[red_sparrow]

my boyfriend does this, too, in a way. not sure if i should be worried. we'll be out and he'll actually ask met to help him out rather than being a man and paying for everything. but i don't really complain because in all honesty i'm not much of a 'housewife'.

[courtney90]

RUN!! seriously..there is no reason for him to be this way! you guys are in a relationship and live together..yea i realize yall are not married but still...you are in a relationship and you should work as a team...my bf and i have been together going on 2 years now and we also live together.. we both pay for stuff...we don't compete as to who paid for what last or who spent more money...that is just stupid! he is probably never going to change so you are better off moving on from him...as the others have said above...there are better men out there!