Wife has male friend outside of work

[BloodyWreck]

Married 5 years. She's a total golf fanatic. She loves it. I'm not. We both knew this when we got married. I'm totally ok with her playing golf with guys she works with.

A few months ago she was sitting on the couch next to me, texting someone for over an hour. When I walked behind her, she slowly lowered her phone so I couldn't see the screen. I did manage to see a guys name. Anyway, I went online and looked at her phone records and saw daily texting. Literally everyday.


One text message from her to him was 'I'll give u a massage later'.

I was so hurt and upset. She said it was for his 'hand'.

She says she loves me and wants to make this work.


I told her I do not approve of male friends outside of work. She disagrees. We give each other the silent treatment for a couple of days.

She treats me well but we have a very fundamental, core problem.

Part of me is in denial and wants to accept it, but something inside of me tells me what she's doing is wrong. She's never once been concerned about me being upset about it, and that hurts too.

I just feel like someone is giving her something that I cannot and that really hurts me.

Thoughts?

[sweetkissesforu]

Are you friends with your wife that is also important find something that you both have a interest in

[courtney90]

Go with your gut

[BloodyWreck]

It was a good marriage for awhile. She golfed. I studied. We drank at night and had great sex afterwards. Now, we drink and fight. I understand and respect her need for golf, but I am jealous of someone providing what I cannot. Thank you both for your feedback.

[DCbob]

its not the golf. it seems to be a lack of connection between you to.
massage does not seem appropriate, even if just the "hand"
go with your instincts.

[Ferg]

In a normal, healthy relationship, I see nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex outside of work. My girlfriend has guy friends, and I have female friends. We trust each other. If she were texting the same guy several times a day and offering him massages, however, the trust would be gone.

[Sonrisa]

i think it's time you gave her an ultimatum

[BloodyWreck]

I've given her the ultimatum and we end up avoiding each other and pretending nothing happened. Sad. I need to find the emotional strength to push the issue. Its emotionally lazy and convenient to accept it, wondering maybe if my life is good enough the way it is. But a small voice inside my head knows better.

[Sonrisa]

how about having a serious talk with her? threaten her with marriage counseling

[BloodyWreck]

I've thought about counseling too. I really need to decide if I want to abandon ship or not. Life's too short to stick it out like this. I also would feel guilty for making her stop doing what she loves. I think we've both grown apart. I'm not defending her but I'd rather set her free and let her enjoy herself. I am curious what a counselor would say. I think I'm going to pursue that

[Sonrisa]

it's not about her stopping golf, it's about her controlling herself with men

[BloodyWreck]

Her sister is a very bad influence as well. We moved into a condo only 5 units away. I should have known better. Her sister told me "Friends are forever, husbands are not". Her sister has actually brought a male friend to dinner while her hubby was present. No big deal until I found out from my wife that this male friend was also an ex-bf of her sisters. Her husband has no idea. I know my wife's ex had big time issues with her sister too. I appreciate your feedback. Logical me has all the facts in front of me while my soul is in denial. I'm really doing myself a disservice by accepting this to avoid conflict. Leading separate lives and being roommates with benefits is easier then taking care of your soul.

[Bo]

I'd flip S*** if i saw my wife texting that to some a-hole. Obviously he isn't concerned about the boundaries of your marriage if he's willing to accept whatever kind of massage it was supposed to be. Totally unacceptable that she would offer him a massage and i don't think it's inappropriate to have friends of the opposite sex outside of work but this is crossing the boundaries. Sounds like you guys have not agreed with each other on what's ok and and what's not ok. The fact that she is being secretive about it is the issue.

[BloodyWreck]

It sucks because she is good to me in every other way. She accepts my 2 sons from a previous marriage (they dont live with us). She works hard. She takes care of me. I just see her behavior changing. Not doing what she used to do around the house. She'll initiate sex sometimes but she is only interested in pleasuring me and not worried about herself. Sorry if thats too blunt. She is a tomboy and emotionally a guy is a lot of ways. An athlete. I'm an introverted geek. I feel old fashioned. I work hard and just want to have a relationship where I don't have to worry about her friends. Everyone here has been very supportive. thank u

[Bo]

just because she likes golfing, does not mean she needs to be texting this man EVERYDAY, all day. Not ok. And since you mentioned that you've noticed changes, it's not hard to put 2 and 2 together and figure that something is probably going on. I wouldn't recommend snooping normally but if you feel like something is going on, then you should really look into it. Besides if you are married, you are entitled to know whether or not she's up to no good behind your back. Just because she's a tomboy or whatever doesn't excuse her behavior, so stop making excuses for her. And maybe you should try to go golfing with her once in a while, even if you hate it. And if she has a problem with you going golfing with her and her supposed 'friend', HINT HINT....something's probably going on