Going through a divorce that I don't want to go through

[brokenheart1682]

Hello everyone, I am looking for advice on a divorce I am going through and if you all think there is any way I can possibly win my wife back whether it be now or some time after the divorce. So let me go ahead and get straight into what's going on... Me and my wife met 3 years ago and we instantly fell in love getting married 8 months later. Shortly after getting married me and my wife found out we were pregnant. Nine months later my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. A few months later we started talking about building a house of our own. So I started setting up searches on a realtor website for alerts of when land came up. Unfortunately the site would only allow a search of one county per e-mail address. I had to re-activate an old email address I used to use. When I logged onto that email address I found a bunch of emails from an old site I used to visit.

Now this is where it get's complicated, before I met my wife I had a lot of issues with my masculinity and had a lot of people telling me they thought I was gay and I let them get under my skin with it. So I started a profile on a singles gay site and shortly after doing so I realized that it was nothing I wanted to do. I never met any of the men, only talked to a few which was enough to realize that it was not for me. Now when I re-activated this email address and found these emails from the website I freaked out. I went to the site attempting to cancel the account which I thought I had done successfully. A couple days later I got a call from my wife extremely upset that she had found pictures of me up online on a gay website. I made the mistake of not clearing my history. I tried explaining to my wife that I never did anything with any of the men but she would not believe me at all.

So a few weeks went by after that all went down and slowly but surely we started kissing again. I personally thought time had healed and she had forgiven me of this. So about 8 months go by without any mention of it and we hadn't really been the same sexually since this happened. We had sex about 5 times over the 8 months. I always asked my wife if there was anything bothering her and she would just state that she was upset about work, or sick, or something else but never that it was an issue with me. So I receive a text two weeks ago from my wife that we need to talk. I call her up immediately worried that our relationshp was in trouble and unfortunately I was right. She told me that she is feels disgusted whenever I touch her and it has been eating her up inside. I asked her why she had kept this to herself and she said she didn't want to hurt my feelings although I would of preferred she had talked to me about this so she didn't have it bottled up for so long.

My wife told me that she thinks that she needs to spend some time apart and that the internet stuff has been bothering her this whole time. I was crushed when she told me this. But I did as she wished, I let her spend some time living out at her parent's house. It didn't take long for me to start getting ideas in my head that she might be talking to somebody else and that the issue of the website is just a convenient reason to break things up without putting any blame on her. So even though I know I should trust my wife I knew I had to do something to clear these thoughts in my head. So I logged onto our cell phone website and looked at the usage. She had been texting a certain phone number non-stop. This led me to wondering who the phone number was because I didn't know it which really isn't that weird because I don't have many of her friends' phone numbers. So I did decide to just come straight out and ask her if she had any feelings for another man.

Her response to that question was that no she did not. I did not mention anything else or push the issue of the phone number. But I did do a little more of what I should not have and a few days later I called the number and a man answered. This immediately threw up a red flag as my wife has hardly any male friends. I called her up right away and confronted her about it. She admitted to me that she had been talking to this guy and after a little bit of prying I found out it was an ex boyfriend of her's that she dated in her teens (she's 30). I was livid and we yelled back and eventually decided that maybe the best option was that we get a divorce.

But my dilemma is that I still love her, I know she loves me but isn't attracted to me and has said that she can't get it out of her head, and on top of all that we have a child together. She has already stated that she is good with joint custody as she doesn't want me out of our daughter's life and that she wants us to stay on good terms for the sake of our child. I really don't want to lose her but I also don't want to act like I am desperate to get her back because I know looking weak will just push her away further. I even offered marriage counseling but she has no interest in it as she states she has already made up her mind.

So I know that was pretty long but I haven't told anyone about this and it is a little self therepeutic (sp?) to type all this out into a forum. Any advice that someone could give me here about this would be greatly appreciated. I really do love my wife and have never been unfaithful once to her. The past 3 years that I have been with her have been the happiest years of my life. I don't know how serious she has been with her ex, she states that she hasn't even seen him yet, only talked to him on the phone. I will do what I have to do as long as there is a glimmer of hope that she can start having a sexual attraction to me again.

[DarkHelmet82]

im sorry to hear that ... couple things that raise flags for me... the gay website thing... it is kind of odd...

It seems like you wife has not been honest with you for a while now.... She wasnt honest when you asked her what was wrong, and than lied about this other guy...

[brokenheart1682]

I agree that the gay website thing is odd. I never had any intentions other than to cancel the account when I logged onto it though. And the initial reason I made it was because I was very insecure with myself at the time and young.

Yeah, she hasn't been honest about this for a while, she claims she thought she could just work it out on her own. But I think that made it worse because all she did was think about it and try and shove it under the rug. That is not going to help, I wish I could get her to do marriage counseling but she refuses. I think a third voice in this matter would do a lot of good.

[Bo]

Well if she said she's made up her mind, you should let her be and respect her wishes. If you push her to try to reconcile the marriage, you might just push her away for good. That's probably not what you want to hear but the best thing you can do at this point is be a a great father and take care of yourself.