More questions and advice needed?

[JadenMia]

Me and my partner are not a perfect match, we have a lot of problems between us, but are both wanting to get past them after a fight and breakup rocked us..

My problem is my partner is just acting horribly jealous. To the point of me wanting to scream at him. I am extremely stubborn and some of the time his wants and needs just dont seem too fair..
He is mad at me right now because he thinks I am too flirtacious with other men. I cannot see where he is coming from and am finding it so hard to keep him happy when i just seem to piss him off all the time with this issue.

We can go out with friends, and everything will be fine. I will talk to another man and he will lose it. I am a friendly person, always love to mingle and make new friends.. Its just who i am, i feel he wants me to be cold towards other men, but i just cannot act like that. I am the same with other women too its not just men.

What point is the line drawn from being friendly to being flirty?
That is my biggest question, the last time i went out i thought i was behaving fine and watched my every move just in case he would take it the wrong way, but the morning after he named off a few people i was too close with..

The reason i am asking is we are going out tonight with a group of single friends and couples.
I plan on showing it off that im with my partner by public affection and not touching another guy.. But he says its the way i 'look' at men. lol
At what point of him complaining should i say 'Okay shut up, i am not doing anything wrong'.. Thats what i feel like saying most of the time.

Just to add, i know its a problem and to alot of people doesnt seem worth sticking with him.. but i would like to know i have done everything possible to help us before leaving him for good. That way i can move on knowng i tried my best.

[JJ26]

1st off I feel how your goin about it is very admirable your trying any means necessary to see whats up, this is kind of a hard situation to to resolve but i guess the 1st question is when how are your mannerisms towards men when your meeting them and talking with them? ie Do you touch there shoulder or possibly over friendly? Even that shouldnt be a huge deal but I'm trying to get at idea where your boyfreind is coming from. For instance when were going out tnight as well with a similair situation couples singles etc. som ppl we know some we dont now obviously throughout the night I'm goin to be introduced to women as well and have conversation but I also keep it light maybe 5 min max and act cordial i guess but not supernice/could be miscontrued as flirty i guess hard to explain. It may sound odd you womaen p/u on alot more then us men do when were talking to other women and this is my experience from it.
question? did he explain how you were "to close with these men"
I think thats a great idea to try regarding showing a little public affection and being close to him for a while "obviously not the whole night"
All in all he may just be a very very jealous guy? does he always check up on u? call u asking where are to apoint of thinking its a little weird not cute?

[smackie9]

He is an insecure control freak. If you are friendly and love to socialize, date someone who is too, someone that is "compatible" with you. Staying with this guy will only keep you miserable. There's nothing worse that having to walk on eggshells to keep an a sshole happy. It's not worth it, you should just put him out to pasture.

[JJ26]

the staring thing is kinda hard to understand as well but il give it a try i guess its similair to your man staring at some girls "backend" for a good 4 seconds like 1 mississippi 2 u get he drift., or a few through out the night. maybe he doesnt feel respeted when he sees this and feels others see what he is seeing. im sure after a few drinks u maybe a lil upset.

[JJ26]

i do agree with smackie and i think thats what her friends have been telling her but it seems like she whats to exhaust all her options even if she knows deep down its may not be her and he may be just that an insecure control freak.

[JadenMia]

I know, its a very hard situation as even if i dont mean ay harm, it obviously causes my partner concerns..

I do understand where he is coming from, I am alway smiling, i am definitely not over friendly with men i dont know. But with friends i know i could probably turn it down a notch. With friends, a 'hello' hug seems the norm for me, to him its a huge deal, so i am planning on not doing that also. I will never 'touch' other men like hands on shoulder, waist etc.. It sometimes can be laughing with another man will drive him crazy too, so i will keep conversations with men down to 5 minutes max so good idea thanks
I am just wanting to know i can not possibly do anymore to please him. Because if he still complains when i have done my true best efforts when we are out together then i know nothing i will do will ever please him. And i would rather not change my ways for him to still complain at me..
He is very jealous and doesnt trust me at all which is what we are trying to work on. He does want to know what im doing at all times, which i dont mind too much as i see it as being temporary while he fixes his trust issues and i shw him he can trust me. If it continues for months to come then i will be worried..
The only way he explained it is, it can be as little as a look i give men that gives them the wrong impression which i think is totally overboard.I am not too sure of how to fix that as i do not know what look he is talking about.. LOL But if i get everything else i order i dont see the problem.

Smackie, i do agree sadly. He is insecure and controlling. But i do truly love him. I know deep down he is an amazing person and i see that when we are together having our laughs.. I understand how it may look to people that i let him walk all over me. Maybe i do, but i do want to know i have done everything in my power to help our relationship, that way if it doesnt work, it doesnt get better i will know i am free to walk away with no regrets about us and i can move forward. Whether he begs and pleads or not, i will know that there is nothing i can do to make us work so he will be a lost cause.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're a fool. You're going to walk away regretting putting in so much more of your time, but I suppose it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't. You deserve whatever misery he brings upon you(you're willingly doing it to yourself). Hope it works out for you.

[JadenMia]

You're a fool. You're going to walk away regretting putting in so much more of your time, but I suppose it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't. You deserve whatever misery he brings upon you(you're willingly doing it to yourself). Hope it works out for you.

Well maybe so, and i appreciate your harsh input.
But i am not going to walk away regretting putting in so much effort.. I already walked away once and regretted it completely. Even though deep down i knew it was probably for the best, I also couldnt handle him being so heartbroken about it. All his promises, all his reasoning made sense to me. Which is why we are back together.
If say it doesnt work out at all, we make no progress at all, then i will walk away and be able to ignore his pleas, hurt and anger and be able to safely say i did the right thing. Thats all i want.
If you dont get that, thats cool. But it means a lot to me that i can get out of this with no strings attatched and nothing but a need to move forward and be able to stop loving him because without this i cannot stop. I tried.

[JJ26]

I can agree to your last thread jaden, it the same way i've looked at certain relationship situations in life. I'd rather know i attempted everything i possibly could even if a littlle more time may be "wasted" or end in a life long realtionship for ever. rather than always kicks myself about something i should have done but didnt, or in your case how he had already came back to you once and you took him back. after this last all out willingness to work things out if it doesnt even if you want it to, you would now know full well there was not option once so ever and the future will await you, but lets hope everything turns out well tonight and future public activities too. Good Luck

[JadenMia]

I can agree to your last thread jaden, it the same way i've looked at certain relationship situations in life. I'd rather know i attempted everything i possibly could even if a littlle more time may be "wasted" or end in a life long realtionship for ever. rather than always kicks myself about something i should have done but didnt, or in your case how he had already came back to you once and you took him back. after this last all out willingness to work things out if it doesnt even if you want it to, you would now know full well there was not option once so ever and the future will await you, but lets hope everything turns out well tonight and future public activities too. Good Luck

Thankyou!
I guess some people dont agree with how i am doing this, but to me its all about inner peace and being happy with myself and actions.
You are right, we will see how tonight plays out.. Im kinda nervous!! lol
i will be no doubt back to report and maybe more questions.. Thanks for your help!

[JadenMia]

Well that went well... Not..

The whole night he was warning me, pulling me aside and threatening. It was annoying.
Everytime i looked over to him he was hugging another girl. Yet hell broke loose if i went close to another guy.
Hell broke loose as a guy i used to have a 'thing' with years back came into the bar and smiled at me..

My partner ended up getting kicked out of the bar as the bouncers said he had been watched and was acting inapropriately toward me and i obviously had to leave with him. For once in my life i see what everyones talking about.
I feel so bad because i KNOW he does these stupid things because he loves me.. But he NEEDS to know that he cant treat people like he does me. Last night he wouldnt let me have my phone like some sort of child. He called me so many names and he bit my f ucking mouth so much he cut me all the inside.
I am so sick of him and today i think its time to leave.. ugh.

[JJ26]

All I can say is Wow, the actions hes made are a little extreme. Okay it's obvious he's very jealous and does have trust issues higher than the average guy. The positve thing here is at least your field of vision has opened up and you now know he will be like this regardless if your "freindly" flirting or staring a other guys or not if thats what to did that night.
I do have 2 a questions for you though does this problem only usually occur when drinking is involved? How is he if you guys are out at the mall for example?
If he gets as bad as he was constantly I can't see myself giving another chance unless you are willing to accept him how he is.
Also have you ever cheated on him in the past. or some indifference that may have him worried?

[JadenMia]

All I can say is Wow, the actions hes made are a little extreme. Okay it's obvious he's very jealous and does have trust issues higher than the average guy. The positve thing here is at least your field of vision has opened up and you now know he will be like this regardless if your "freindly" flirting or staring a other guys or not if thats what to did that night.
I do have 2 a questions for you though does this problem only usually occur when drinking is involved? How is he if you guys are out at the mall for example?
If he gets as bad as he was constantly I can't see myself giving another chance unless you are willing to accept him how he is.
Also have you ever cheated on him in the past. or some indifference that may have him worried?

Yes, he gets very extreme when we are drinking only. When we are not drinking he is fine actually. He may mention something once in a while if he is sober but if he is drinking forget that. He is a very aggressive drunk.
I didnt leave him though, i just cannot. I fall for his every word and cannot stand to see him upset which he was very upset the day after this happened. I forgave him. Yes, i know i am allowing this behaviour.. Its my own stupid fault if i get hurt.. I know.

And the only thing that has ever happened wit us regarding other men and what not.. Was in October last year we had yet another bad night out, and he went to extremes i couldnt stand. I left him (i thought for good) and we didnt speak for weeks.. Probably around 2-3 months all in all. During that time i met another man. We had a fling for around 4 weeks.. I didnt have too much feelings for him.. It was more in efforts to forget about my partner.. It didnt work.. I left the guy i was seeing even though he was a very nice man.
I didnt tell my partner about this until after we had started speaking again. Which is when he asked for me back and we started to meet up again and it slowly happened from then. He knew i had been with this other man and i knew it really hurt him.

If i would have known me and my partner were going to get back i would have never done it and i cant change nothing now so i just hoped for the best and got back with him. This is why i have been trying to build his trust up again so we can be back at peace and in a trusting relationship as we do not have right now.. It has been ever since then he has been extremely jealous, but he has always been a jealous guy. ever since he first said i love you has he become very protective..

[Regnent]

Stop kidding yourself.

You're not in a fair or equal relationship.

You can sit here calling it love, and try to make it work all you want. Isn't going to change anything for you. You're not going to be happy, or stop fighting untill he's got your turned into a broken, obedient girl.

He can't be all flirty and close with women, and expect you to not even look, or talk to guys. It's controlling, and it's going to end in therapy, a bottle, or prescriptions.

[HeartIsAching]

He is an insecure control freak. If you are friendly and love to socialize, date someone who is too, someone that is "compatible" with you. Staying with this guy will only keep you miserable. There's nothing worse that having to walk on eggshells to keep an a sshole happy. It's not worth it, you should just put him out to pasture.

*DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING*

We have a Winnah!