he wants me to change?

[iamnothyper]

A tad long but here's the basic gist:
Is it wrong to expect and request your partner to change for you? Is it unfair to them if you ask them to change their personality, the parts you consider "bad," when they are not willing to? My boyfriend wants me to stop the sarcasm, but I feel like that's just my natural response to anger. He wants me to stop shutting down, but that's my defense mechanism to sadness. This point is moot because I've already given in to him but, he wanted me to be more expressive and do more PDA even though i'm not comfortable with it and i'm an introvert. He considers me selfish and unreasonable when I say, "That's the way I am," and argue that it's unfair of him to ask me to change my personality. What do you think? Am I being being as completely unreasonable as he's making me out to be? Is it actually a fair request? By asking me to change these things is he NOT asking me to change as a person? Is he NOT trying to alter my personality and I'm just misconstruing things?

Here's the LONG story if you're interested:
The very way we look at a relationship is different. To me, compromise is letting pass all the things that annoy me, getting over the things about him that i don't quite love and accepting the fact that he ain't gonna be perfect. Or trying to. To him, compromise is change. To change whatever is bad, to change for the other person, to change for the sake of the relationship. I see the logic, and it's not that i'm against change, its that i think it should be natural and not forced.

Change, that has been the root to all of our arguments. More specifically, him requesting me to change. At first, it was that i'm not expressive enough. By nature i'm more of an introvert, the type that doesn't really enjoy PDA and whatnot. I was reluctant at first, saying that "That's the way I am." His response was that I can't use that excuse. That it's NOT who I am, but who I make myself out to be. ) I tried explaining how every relationship, all people, are different. He said that its not even what HE thinks what a relationship should be like, but what society tells us is the norm. I ended up giving in to him and expressing more after a huge fight we had.

Now though, he's asking me to change other things. I'm the type that gets sarcastic during fights, that sometimes scoffs at things cause I'm annoyed and bewildered. He wants me to change that. I'm the type to shut down when I'm upset and basically keep to myself, which in turn hurts him cause I'm ignoring him. My response has always been " That's who I am." He has always found me to be self-centered, stubborn, and selfish for not wanting to change. In fact, he wants me to change that selfishness and stubbornness too.

To me, the things he wants me to change are part of me and what I'm comfortable with. It seems unfair that he should ask me to change myself. To him, its simply getting rid of the bad and making me into a better person. He sees me refusing to change as unreasonable. I kind of feel like I'm being suffocated by his expectations of me. I feel like we all have an idea in our minds of the type of person we want to be with, that "perfect" partner. I feel like he's been trying to make me into his, but he says this is not true. Part of me is screaming, "I CANT BE PERFECT." Although yes, the things he wants me to change are the bad things, those bad things are all me. I guess I kind of feel like, after I change all these things will I still be me? Are you just gonna keep finding things about me to change after I agree to change these things for you? If you have all these things you want to change about me, in the end, will it even be ME you like or just this version of me that you've essentially "made?"

It's not like I haven't changed or thought about it from his side of the issue. I might not say upfront I'll change but I keep it in mind and I'm changing at my own pace. I'm accepting my flaws and mulling over them, accepting my part of the fault. But that change isn't as fast or as much or as obvious as he wants it to be. He just sees me as being wrong and selfish, stubborn and not open-minded. It's almost like its all on me, my fault.

But when I argue with him he makes me out to be ridiculous and I'm wondering if I am after all. I know I'm at fault for not willing to give up that much of myself and there are certainly things that need improving, but it feels like he thinks this is entirely my fault. Or at least, the things he says and the way he says them make it feel like that way. He feels like I'm purposely out to spite him, to instigate, when I'm really not. He's told me that he'll do everything, that I can carry on being selfish and stubborn while he does all the changing, which doesn't make the situation any better.

I guess, my underlying question is: Am I being completely ridiculous when I say it doesn't feel fair to me? Am I being unfair to him?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If you feel like he wants you to compromise who you are, then you need to leave.

[MerryH]

You wrote a lot of words, but you weren't really specific about how he wants you to change. Some of those things are okay to ask your partner to change, some of them aren't.

Like asking your partner not to be bitchy and sarcastic during an argument is completely reasonable. If he asks you to stop completely shutting down because nothing ever gets resolved, that's also a reasonable request. He's requesting that you communicate better. That's pretty essential to a relationship.

Him saying that you're not expressive enough might be okay, unless he's being an overly sentimental girl about it. Asking you for more PDA when you're uncomfortable with it is not okay.

My point is, sometimes you do need to make changes for your partner. You can't just get all defiant and say, "Well, that's who I am, deal with it." every time he makes a reasonable request.