Love of my life has stopped showing affection...

[Ferrington]

First off...I apologize for the lenght of my post, but I think I need to be complete in order to obtain the best advice. I did search the forums prior to posting and didn't quite find the same circumstance.

I'm a 39 year old male who married and had a family before the age of 20. As many couples in similar situations when a child wasn't planned, we learned to love each other and both did the "right" thing. We had a terrific family life and enjoyed all normal aspects of our marriage and family. As the years went by, I always had the feeling of never being fully satisfied with my wife and I was also made to feel inadequate, as she was a very material woman. I went above and beyond to met her needs physically, emotionally, and materially and it never seemed like it was enough. I gave and gave even when I didn't think I could give any more. Throughout my marriage I was faithful until the end....

Towards the end of my marriage, I reconnected with a girl, who I had met several years prior through my employment. We had coffee and would meet for an occasional cigarette while working. This progressed into a pretty strong relationship and ultimately resulted into an affair. I connected with her on not only a physical level, which my wife and I did lack, but on an emotional level as well. I had never felt this kind of connection with anyone and was able to speak to her like I never could with anyone else. I am normally reserved and don't speak much, never spoke openly about sex either, but found it easy to do with her and she shared with me as well, which was also new to me. We would talk for hours and learn each others deepest and darkest secrets, this is when I found out that my new-found love had been sexually abused by more than one man during her adolescence. This didn't seem to pose a problem when it came to sex and I tried to exhibit care not to expect too much because of it. I never had better physical relations with anyone than I did with her, never felt the emotional connection with anyone like I did with her.

One day I was posed with the question of "are you in love with me?" from my wife, and I gave the honest answer...."No". I offered counseling but I believe my wife knew it was over. Our son was 19 and we both had steady career paths and it was time.

So with this, I began to see my new-found love on a regular basis and spending the night often. I was still trying to be fairly discreet as the divorce process was to be a year long ordeal at minimum and I'm the kind of person that makes a strong attempt at trying to make everyone happy. Our physical and emotional relationship was still incredible at this point and we are about a year into the relationship at this point. We had been talking and trying new things sexually and it was extremely fulfilling. At one point, after about the first year, I had let her down a couple of times by not being right there when she really needed me, which I accepted wholly, as I should have been there and there was talk of children between us, which is something I was not very open to, but did not wish to keep her from. I attempted to leave her as she seemed very unhappy and distant and I did not want to be the one to deny her children. I know she wanted children badly as she went behind my back and went off of her birth control in an attempt to get pregnant. She swore that if I stayed that she would be happy with the fact that we were together and not having children and I believe this to this day.

Now....about eight months after the above, one year and eight months into our relationship, sex has been rare for all of those eight months. She has blamed it on just about everything from birth control, anxiety meds, the north star, me not initiating enough, you name it. I have been understanding, patient, and empathetic. We had many conversations and many resulted in the fact that she wasn't getting enough from me...so....I gave more....I moved in, I started helping with her bills and mad the apartment ours and not just hers. That didn't change anything. She wanted to quit smoking, so I quit with her. She blamed some of the sex drive thing on the meds for that as well. It's not only sex drive either, its all physical and affection in general has disappeared...rare hugs, kisses, touches....

Two weeks ago, we went out for a wedding and we drank to the point of having those conversations that last for hours. She told me that it wasn't me, that it was mostly her and the way that she feels about her body as she had gained some weight that she wasn't happy about. I understood that but I always tell her how gorgeous she is to me and that will never change, but I understand how she feels. We also went on to talk about some great fantasies that I was all in for. So, I thought things were going to change and they hadn't yet and then we entered into a pretty good verbal tirade the other night where she advised me that she could care less if she never had another penis inside of her ever again. She thinks that her being abused has a lot to do with it and she admits to using sex in the beginning to get me and keep me interested.

Here is the problem....I love this girl to death, however, I don't feel loved. I left my wife for my happiness, but because I thought I finally found it with this woman. We rarely talk, touch or laugh....I can't spend the rest of my life like this....is that shallow?

[BLV1]

Not shallow at all. you've been through a lot in your life and you should live it for you now. dont let someone else decide what you want or need. you can still care for them and who they are but they wont effect your life path. 40 is the new 20 so you still have lots to do and learn if you want to. im sure your son is great and he'll learn from what you do with this situation. be strong for him and yourself. you deserve to be loved back.