Need Advice :( !

[LOST DRUMMER]

Hey guys and girls,

I'll try to explain my situation as briefly as possible...(I'm 33, Male)

From July 1997 to Oct 2009 (13 years) I was in a relationship with a fantastic girl....we barely ever fought, and when we did it was always quickly resolved without any grudges. We where like 2 peas in a pod. We bought a house together after 4 years of the relationship. Everything was perfect...I can remember telling myself all the time how lucky I was..and how I couldn't ask for anything more...

Then....after about 8 years together...I started getting bored...(or as I thought). I had been with her since I was 18, and had only dated (slept with) as many women as I could count on one hand...So I unconsciously began to have an itch to sleep with someone else....I had never ever thought I would ever cheat on her....I LOVED HER...but one night after too much drinking I did....and felt TERRIBLE!!...I didn't know what to do....I even discussed it with my father the next day...and he could see how dis trot I was....his advice was to never make mention of it....and always to remember how it made me feel in the end.....so that was that.

An other year went by....and someone spilled the beans to her about what I had done a year before....she packed up her things and left....it destroyed me because at that particular time we where so happy....and I had moved on from my indiscretion...having learned my lesson on my own....after some time....she say's she eventually saw the big picture....and that we could get through this together....so we got back together...

We continued on...and things seemed to be back to normal...we got engaged....and I thought we would be together for ever.

What ended up happening, is we started taking each other for granted...doing less things together....I had my things I did....she had hers...but we never really talked about drifting apart....it's like we had settled into this way of living, and for the most part it was just fine....sex had slowed to a halt (sometimes once a month)...but when we where in bed together we'd always hold each other tight....smile to each other....butterflies would still make there appearance from time to time...there where often times....I would just look at her without her knowing....and just think to myself....damn I love her ...

here's where things take a BAD turn.


I started working a new job in Oct. 2008...When I got the offer I contacted my brother's friend (with whom I had never spoken to) because she had worked there for the last 4 years. I just wanted insight into the new position....she was very friendly.... and helpful. so when I started, she continued to help me very much....we became great friends...going out to lunch sometime....even inviting her and her bf over to my house to hang out with me and my gf....I slowly realized that I was begining to be very attracted to this girl....I had never confided in any other girl except my gf....and I was beginning to be very conflicted....I would tell friends about this girls at work....and how I didn't know what to do....I eventually decided no good could come of these feelings....and it was normal to sometimes feel these things....and it was best to ignore it.

After a year of being there...I started noticing she was acting a little weird at work....a little more flirty...and clingy...she had told me in passing a few weeks prior....that things in her 7 year relationship where dwindling....and that she had made up her mind that she wanted out....

One night we walked out of work together had a smoke....and she proceeded to tell me that she had developed feelings for me....I was FLOORED!!...It had always been a fantasy for me....and here it was....I felt like I was on top of the world....and at the same time....more conflicted then I had ever been in my life.....I loved my gf...but had often wondered if I'm missing out on something better....being that me and my gf warent as passionate as we used to be.

I''l cut to the chase....this is getting long...


to make a long story short....the girl from work left her relationship...and we spoke for hours every day in the work parking lot after work....I couldn't take it anymore and left my relationship of 13 years and moved in at my parents....We then would meet secretly after work and talk and make out in her car....talk for HOURS on the phone....wink at each other at work....it felt good at first....she was REALLY into me....it had awoken something inside me...I was more confident then I had been in a long time....and it really gave my ego a boost...I moved in with a friend (bachelor pad) and felt like a kid again...although things where fun with the girl from work...I couldn't help but feel a foreign feeling when we would get too close....almost like the closer we got....the farther away I was getting from my ex gf....this made it really hard to dive in with both feet...after all I went from a 13 year relationship to being with this girl 1 week later...it was almost like I had some kind of wall up....unconsciously.....I tried to press on best I could....but this girl was SO different from my ex.....my ex was very selfless, sympathetic and giving....this new girl was selfish....and not very sympathetic....was hard for me...I was extremely attracted to her...but we fought constantly....I had NEVER fought with my ex. The sex with the girl from work was amazing.....addicting almost....but I'm sure that has allot to do with it being new to me...

Fast forward to 1 year and a half later....I have since bought my own home (dream home)...my career at the new job was going great...was making great money...my ex still lives in the home we bought together 9 years ago...I have been off and on with the girl from work...while always maintaining contact with my ex through text or phone calls.... was never able to put it behind me....this put ALLOT of strain on my relationship with the girl from work....she was already a very jealous type....but this brought it to a new level.....we would fight constantly....almost like everything was a contest on who would let there wall down the most.....could never make the connection...I was on guard with her....and she was with me....was torture.....she lived 30 min. away...and would insist that I would come to her house most of the time...then after a few visits to her home.....I would get very bitter when she wouldn't willingly offer to spend some time here....like I said GAMES....and throughout all this we also worked together, desks side by side.

I was convinced that I needed to keep contact with my ex because she and I where like family...I still loved her...to what capacity I still am unsure of. me and the girl from work have split up probly 6 times in our relationship....and every time she says she leaves because I'm not giving her the attention she needs.... every time she leaves she gets very independent and I fight to get her back....calling, texting....showing up at her house....begging, pleading, crying for her to give me an other chance....I feel empty inside when she goes....but as soon as she comes back....I instantly feel secure again....and proceed to go about my old ways neglecting her again (wall up)...I would find my self most conflicted when things where at there best with her...again....maybe feeling like I was being pulled further and further away from my old life.....it has been an endless cycle.....throughout all this....my ex from the 13 year relationship had met someone to....was with him for the better part of the year....but she has told me that she feels the same as I....and ended it with him a month ago....she just couldn't completely move on either.

January first we both quit our jobs......so we no longer work together...We broke up for the last time on Jan 11th...after 4 consecutive days of me staying home and refusing to go to her house telling her that all she has to do is come to mine if she wants to see me. she broke up with me by text. at first I'm relieved....like every other time....I feel like I never had the balls to do it....almost like I'm setting it up for her to do it so I dont have to. but then after a few days.....I go into panic mode, like every other time...begging and pleading....it's like when I have her....I don't want her....and when I dont have her I WANT her....she has even told me this.

So since the brake up....every day is a struggle, very depressed...I think about her constantly....and mornings are the worst...

I've been talking allot more with my previous ex (of 13 years) and I really wish that would do it for me....I REALLY DO....she is AMAZING....cant even put into words how cool this girl is...but why am I thinking of this girl with whom I've been for the most part miserable with!!!!....is it because she was just a challenge...and I feel in some way's I've lost??....I DONT KNOW!...uggg

this is very frustrating....and a mess...my previous ex (13 years)...tells me that everything happens for a reason.....and that it's important for us to be by ourselves....since we have never been....and that she hope one day we will find our selves together again...she holds NO ILL WILL towards me after everything...I know Incredible!...I just feel like I'm lost myself...and that I've been drained over the course of the relationship with the girl from work...dont know who I am anymore....or what I'm supposed to do

[sweetkissesforu]

try something other then obsessing over this girl and sometimes the tried and true is the best

[smackie9]

How about staying out of relationships for a few years to clear your emotions. Here's the deal, if you are not passionate about marrying someone after being with them for about 3 to 5 years, then they are not the one. If you hottly jump into a flurry of passion over some and it turns sour very fast, then they are not the one.

You haven't met your soul mate yet. And since you lack having experiences with other women, it would be a good idea to just date casually , live life for yourself and let go of your old life. Once you renew yourself, and stop being so emotionally dependant on your ex, you will be ready to met Mrs. Right.

[GK001]

hahaha that's karma for ya. you wanted to cheat because your ex was too easy for you. sorry buddy but please stay in hell for a bit longer till you come to your senses.

[Anturo]

Oh and also do us one more favor.

Please dont ask your dad for advice anymore because his gutless "Hide from the truth" response is not the way to go.

Start being a Man and owning up to your mistakes when you make them.

[LOST DRUMMER]

hahaha that's karma for ya. you wanted to cheat because your ex was too easy for you. sorry buddy but please stay in hell for a bit longer till you come to your senses.

I've thought of this....and you are right 100%...nothing in life is free...I'm sure my pain is some kind of payment for the awful things I've done....I am learning a great deal.

[IncognitoSir]

I've thought of this....and you are right 100%...nothing in life is free...I'm sure my pain is some kind of payment for the awful things I've done....I am learning a great deal.

I'm glad you realize that because that's exactly what it is.