Hoping that someone can offer me advice; no luck finding love at all :-(

[NLCtech]

Hi all,

This will probably be a very long post, so bear with me.

I am 32 years old (male) and it really gets to me that I am still alone, with love nowhere in sight.

I have tried everything from online dating, singles meetups, church singles clubs, and even paying over $900 for a dating service that got me nowhere.

I have never been in any relationship of any kind, no matter how hard I try, and I just don't understand what people don't see in me.

It just seems that anyone that has any of the qualities that I am looking for in someone are either taken, or don't see me as more than just a friend.

I have what I feel are a lot of good qualities, and figured SOMEONE out there would be looking for those qualities - I don't like p*rn, I'm not into drinking/clubbing/partying, I don't use drugs, and I would be very loyal to my partner and do anything and everything I could to make her feel loved and appreciated. but for some reason, no one wants to see this in me.

Everyone tells me the right one will come along some day but every day that goes by, I just keep losing hope. I don't want to be one of those guys who end up in their 40's and 50's and never got married, and honestly, I'd rather not even live if that's what was meant to be the outcome for me.

I want to feel loved by someone, and I want to find my partner and have a life long happy relationship. I want someone to hold hands with, go shopping with, to bring to family functions and big events like holiday parties and picnics. I want someone who I can come home to and talk about my day. I want someone to fill the empty seat next to me in the car, the empty space next to me in bed, (no I don't mean anything dirty here). I want someone to talk about what's on my ind, someone I can laugh, cry and share things with.

But every day I just wonder if I was ever meant to have anyone. To feel loved. To have companionship.

My parents have been married for 40+ years, happily at that. I want this to happen for me.

But I see my cousins, my age and younger, all getting married and having kids, and all my friends I grew up with, some who are 10+ years younger than me, all getting married or involved in relationships.

I realize, yes, some of these people are not happy and/or are divorced. And part of me says I am doing the right thing by waiting for the right person to come along. But the other part of me is saying "what is wrong with me?" What is wrong with me that no one will take an interest in me to be more than friends? What am I doing wrong? What don't people see in me?

Another thing that tears me up about the whole thing, is I have chosen to remain a virgin all this time by choice. I have chosen to because I thought by now my partner would have come along and she would appreciate that. I wanted sex to happen in a meaningful relationship, and not just some casual hookup. I had hopes that my first time would also be her first time.

At my age, it's hard to find people that don't have kids, let alone being a virgin. And it bothers me because I have waited all this time and did what I felt was right and held on for my special partner.

As time goes on, I wish more and more i would have just gone out and let those kids in college hook me up like they always wanted to, and made fun of me for not wanting to "get laid". I know this sounds terrible of me, but at this point I'm ready to just hook up with someone just so I don't end up being a 40 year old virgin. And it's not even so much I want to have sex, as much as it is I just want someone to take enough interest in me to want to go that far. I mean....how many other people out there are my age and have never even had sex let alone be in a meaningful relationship?

My dreams since I was a kid were to marry a nice girl, buy a house, have a family, all that kind of stuff. And I just don't understand why it has never happened.

My friends and family tell me all the time to enjoy being single when I still can. But the thing is, I WANT to be married and live a married life.

I really wish I knew what I could change, or where to look to find people....ones that is who are single that have the qualities I am looking for.

I'm hoping someone can help me out here.

[Talith_of_Rendi]

I suppose I can understand where you're coming from with your concerns, not from a personal standpoint, but from an outsider's perspective. The only real advice I can give you as far as finding someone is to stop looking so hard. If you concentrate on activities, gatherings and the like which make you happy and focus on making friends, then you're more likely to be exploring a pool of people who share common interests and values as yourself. My Uncle was a rather large Star Wars nerd and played a lot of table top games when I was little, and according to my mother he'd not been with anyone until he was in his mid-late thirties. The way he found someone was by volunteering at Dragon Con. I'm uncertain as to how many avenues you've tried outside of the dating related ones mentioned above, but maybe this will help?

[AirbenderAang]

It sounds like you are really yearning to get married and I think that may be getting in your way. You should focus on trying to enjoy the life you have. That is one of the most important factors in attractibility. We like people who are happy and make us feel good. We also don't like people who give off a needy energy. Develop your social relationships, family relationships, career, spirituality, volunteer, physical health, etc. Keep on developing yourself until you stop feeling like a person is going to make your life. A meaningful partner can be a great compliment to life, but it should never be your sole source of joy. That isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to your partner. Work on living your life, man.

[lessthankeevin]

I'm 19 turning 20 in a few months and am a virgin with the same philosophy if that counts for anything.
Don't beat yourself up over it. Don't be desperate either, just have your own life, go out have fun, and just let it happen naturally. Don't stress yourself over this, you'd only make it worse, you're wasting all of your time moping and yearning, just make the most out of every day, and see where life takes you!

[MerryH]

I have tried everything from online dating, singles meetups, church singles clubs, and even paying over $900 for a dating service that got me nowhere.

You never had any luck at all? Then the common factor here is you. Maybe you're not the type of person anyone would want to date. Why is that? You must have some idea. Seriously consider it.

Or maybe you could have had some luck, but since you were so particular about your "special partner" that you've been waiting 32 years for, you wrote people off and never gave them a chance? I bet you did. I guess it's pretty unique that you've saved your virginity for so long, but you should try to understand that most others haven't. That doesn't make them bad people or anything. Try to be more accepting.

[Maple1714]

Hmmm...I find that most people who are alone at your age or older are socially awkward in a few or many ways. I would try putting yourself out there in ways you never have before. Go to a bar and/or club or other social gatherings and talk to someone you wouldn't normally talk to. Talk about subjects you know nothing about...strike up a controversial conversation. Observe other people more carefully...and people's social habits in general. Really try and analyze different social situations. So much of dating and finding a life partner is biological and psychological. Do not tell women you are virgin until you get to know them a little better. Some women might be turned off by this, but the right one will like you more for it! You wont be alone forever. I have an uncle who was single until he was 52! He also lived with his mom...which prob. held him back a lot. He is awesome though...and when he found the right women they fell in love and got married. Sometimes it just takes time. I mean you could be out there dating like crazy and sleeping around and still not finding the right person. You are young...it will happen.

[NLCtech]

You never had any luck at all? Then the common factor here is you. Maybe you're not the type of person anyone would want to date. Why is that? You must have some idea. Seriously consider it.

Or maybe you could have had some luck, but since you were so particular about your "special partner" that you've been waiting 32 years for, you wrote people off and never gave them a chance? I bet you did. I guess it's pretty unique that you've saved your virginity for so long, but you should try to understand that most others haven't. That doesn't make them bad people or anything. Try to be more accepting.

I do agree. It doesn't make them bad people no. But why is it "I" never had the opportunity years ago like they did?

I had plenty of opportunities for one night stands or casual hookups but since I was young I always wanted my first time to happen with someone special, and out of love. The fact that I have waited around all this time and it still hasn't happened just doesn't seem right.

I never thought much of people (male or female) that lived a life of going to bars and finding hookups, but to be quite honest, I'm to a point now where I'm just about ready to do just that because I just don't know how much longer I can wait. I'm not going to let myself become this 40 year old virgin ans keep waiting and waiting if no one is going to come along. It just doesn't seem fair that I've waited all this time and no one's come along, while everyone else I knew had relationships and lost their virginity when they were in their teens. It's like I did what was right and got nothing for it.

I know I sound horrible but it's just....how much longer can a person hold on?

[NLCtech]

Thanks to all who responded. Yeah, people often tell me that I'm looking to hard and need to do other things besides things that involve dating. I'm actually looking into bible studies at church, and volunteering for their cookouts and things like that.

I just get discouraged easily because so many times I've tried and tried with people and I find out they either have boyfriends or they are not interested. I just dunno what gives...

[MerryH]

It just doesn't seem fair that I've waited all this time and no one's come along, while everyone else I knew had relationships and lost their virginity when they were in their teens. It's like I did what was right and got nothing for it.

Terrible attitude. Try to let that go asap. Don't become a bitter virgin. Being angry that others have had luck can ruin your interactions with people. Just keep getting out there.

Maybe you should post specifics about your dating failures and why you think they didn't work out. Getting an outsider's opinion on what you're doing wrong might help.