I just lost the love of my life - A very unusual situation.

[tmj99]

Hi everyone. I’m new … and I’m going through a situation that I think most people would think unusual. A bit about me … I’m male, in my late thirties, married more than 10 years, two kids. I also suffer from depression, but I’m on medication and that is currently (mostly) under control. Problem is I just split up with the love of my life, and she wasn’t my wife. I’m devastated, shattered, heart broken, don’t know how to go on. Sounds like the classic case of the cheating husband? Well its far from the case, and I’ll explain why. This is going to be kind of long – one of the things my psychologist said was good therapy was to write out all the emotions, pour them out. I’m supposed to be doing it via pen and paper then destroying it. I may well do so – but for now I googled for a forum because I need someone to talk to. As you will come to see I cant really talk to people I know about this, so I am hoping a community such as this where I can remain anonymous will help me.

I need to give you some background before this situation makes sense. I’ll try and keep it as brief as possible while including what needs to be said. So here goes.

I’ve never been the sort of guy to have casual relationships. I’m an emotional person, I feel things deeply and for better or worse I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I had a childhood sweetheart, we flirted a lot as kids do but when she moved away when I was 16 we stayed in touch and one thing led to another and we realized that we were in love. We had a long distance relationship for two years and then when I turned 18 I left home and my city to be with her. It went really well for a time, we were well matched in terms of intimacy and sex drive. I was head over heels, at 20 even though we were still so young I began to think of marriage. Unfortunately she started to waver and eventually she betrayed me – slept with a workmate (in our bed) on Christmas Eve of all times – I was back home with my family for a week at that time. Anyway it dragged on for a month with me desperately trying to hold on, she wavered but finally left me for him. I was shattered, it took me a long, long time to recover from that. I swore a vow that I would never, ever betray anyone like that and cause the pain I went through.

So anyway a few years passed and I moved back to my hometown. I didn’t have any relationships for a few years, I was lonely, and I think this prolonged the pain of what happened. Eventually though I met a girl where I was working who was very different, very safe, reliable, not very adventurous but we clicked on an intellectual level and we started to date. Looking back now I think I was desperately lonely, and while I did fall in love, the physical and intimate side that is so important to me wasn’t there. As I said, I’m an emotional person and I love to kiss and cuddle and just be generally physical, and I have a reasonably high sex drive. I love pleasing my partner though so I am always more that happy to spend time focusing on her. She didn’t really seem to enjoy this though – she was a virgin at age 23 I think we were at the time. I kinda just thought she’s inexperienced and with time she will ‘grow into it’.

Anyway after 12 months we got engaged and were married 13 months later. Things were fine and although we were having sex, it was still very one sided, insofar as I did all the initiating and all the “work” if I can put it this way. By now it was starting to cause some tension but I still thought I could win her to it, she just seemed very shy and unhappy with her body. I thought if I persisted eventually she would come to enjoy it.

Then we had children, so that kind of put passion on the backburner for a while as it tends to do. We are very fortunate and had a boy and a girl, two beautiful and healthy kids. But as they grew from babies into children the old problems resurfaced. One thing at least we got better at communicating about it, and I came to realize it wasn’t that she wasn’t trying – its just that she had no drive at all. Left to her own devices she would be quite happy without sex. For her love was about deep companionship, where as for me it is of course about that, but also intimacy, touch, and mutual pleasure. We overcame the issue by scheduling sex … a couple of times a week. That worked for her because she knew when to expect it and didn’t have to worry outside those times. I was satisfied for a while but it became very mechanical, to the point where I may as well have being taking care of it myself.

A couple more years passed and then something happened. I was on a work trip with a female colleague, we had dinner, more wine than we should, and before I knew it we ended up in her room kissing passionately. It was amazing, from being married to a woman for years who doesn’t even kiss to suddenly having this passionate encounter. But despite everything … I stopped it, I didn’t want to go through with it, because even as drunk as I was I remembered my vow and how painful it is to be betrayed. So although there was some heavy kissing eventually I detached and left before it could go any further. In the morning we both felt terrible and agreed it was a mistake and nothing came of it. I felt guilty for a long time but still happy that I was able to stop. But I also had a taste of what I was missing and it made the situation at home even more frustrating for me.

That was five years ago, now we get to the core of the story ( I wonder if anyone is still reading!). I play some online games and a few years back I had fallen into a group of guys and gals we played online. One girl in particular I became really good friends with, she was a little flirty and so was I to be honest, but it was all harmless fun. At least for a while. Then about a year ago I had another worktrip to her home town, we decided to meet up for dinner. We had a wonderful night, nothing happened, but the seed was definitely sown. We definitely liked each other.

We continued to play online and became closer and closer friends. So close in fact that we started discussing our problems –I eventually told her of my unhappiness at home, although I still enjoyed my wife’s companionship I was desperately missing passion in my life. She (my friend) was married to and had a young daughter, but something was missing for her as well. Not the sexual side for her, but her and her husband didn’t seem to do a lot together.

Anyway January this year another work trip came up and we agreed to meet for dinner again. I actually had to stop over in her town before catching a train at noon the next day to my ultimate destination. So we went out for dinner, then had some drinks, then some more. We stayed out talking until 5am, were were just clicking so well. We both wanted something to happen but I had my vow so nothing did. I stayed at her place but slept on the couch, and left in the morning. Then on the train the next day I get a text from her saying … I wish you had kissed me. I answered … I wish I did too. And it took off from there, and boy did it take off.

I was away for a week on this trip and pretty much every minute I wasn’t working I was texting or talking to her. It became really intense really fast, the more I knew about this girl the more I wanted to be with her. She was passionate, loved sex, yet also warm, kind and we shared a ton of interests. I knew I had to be with her. So somehow by the time I returned home I had decided I was going to speak to my wife. This sounds a bit like an ultimatum, and I guess it was, although I tried hard not to deliver it this way. I felt strongly enough about this girl and the passion she offered to take the risk. I said to my wife that the earlier incident had happened, and now this one. I told her I had not betrayed her and I never wanted to, but I was scared that because I needed passion in my life one day I would, no matter how much I didn’t want to. I said 80% of me was content with our life but the other 20% was dying. I said I didn’t want that 20% to poision our 80%. So basically I asked her if she would let me have my 20% on the side to address the part of me that was dying. And she said yes, as long as I didn’t humiliate her or tell anyone.

So it was on. I’ve just realized how long this already is so I will try and speed it up. Basically I went to her hometown twice and we had an amazing time. The sex, intimacy, passion, it was all I had imagined. We clicked so well, too well, because as soon as we were together it immediately was more than sex. We both fell desperately in love. We stayed in almost constant contact via text and messenger, and it just got deeper day by day. She spoke to her husband to and initially he tolerated it as well. I know that seemed strange but he (on the surface at least) understood she was missing something.

But of course this couldn’t last. Her husband realized that it was more than just a fling that it was getting really serious and of course this troubled him, although he continued to allow it to happen. My wife was happy to turn a blind eye. But after a couple of months my girlfriend and I began to realize that this was really serious and we both felt so strongly that we started to want to be together … permanently. But the obstacles were so great … we were in different cities, we both had partners, we both had children. The children really were the key … if one of us moved, it would likely mean giving up the kids, all of whom were still relatively young. There seemed no easy answer.

And so to the crux. On Monday we were chatting as usual when she suddenly said I’ve been thinking. I said I don’t like the sound of this. She told me her husband was really going downhill, was now on anti-depressants, and she was worried he might do something silly. She also said it was starting to wear on her having to lie to 90% of the people in her life. So I said something like I don’t want to hurt other people, and then suddenly before you knew it we were agreeing it had to stop. I immediately deleted her from facebook, my phone, twitter, all forms of contact. I was in shock for the rest of the day.
It didn’t quite end there. We had some final email traffic over the last 24 hours. I sent her one saying that I would really miss her friendship and that she should always believe in herself because I always would and my spirit would always be there to lift her up. She replied almost instantly saying she had lost interest in everything, it was so painful, couldn’t we be together one more time, she was nothing without me, she feared she had made the worst decision of her life letting me go, and she loved me.
I knew then I could have gone back and said be with me, lets run away, and I think it could have happened. But instead what I said was it cant happen, we have to live for our children, they have to be the focus. There were a couple more short mails but then she finally sent one saying it was killing her and she really was cutting all contact, deleting all email accounts, everything. That was the final message, that was yesterday.

So here I am now, sitting at home, alone. I’ve taken a few days off work, my wife is at work, the kids are at school. I’m dying inside. My heart is broken, shattered, destroyed, my soul is torn asunder. I love this girl with a love I have never felt before. Worse, I know she loves me just as much. Somehow I have to deny, forget this love.

I am a blind man who has always been blind, and then for two glorious months I could see, see the world in all its colours and glory. And now I am blind again. The pain is indescribable.

Things are strained between my wife and I. She knows, I’ve told her the full story. In some ways she is amazing, being tolerant. In other ways though its excruciating because I can’t find the comfort I need from her. She still wants to stay with me. Part of me wants to stay but now I know what I’ve been missing all these years I am scared that it cant be enough anymore. Then I will lose both of them.

The pain I feel is immense, I cannot begin to describe. I am already on antidepressants but I am terrified I will fall back into the black pit. At the moment it’s the pain that’s too sharp, I’m worried when that starts to dull the depression will claim me again.
How do you stop loving someone so perfect when you know they love you just as much. Part of me desperately wants to contact her and say please, anything, I’ll give it all up, let’s just run away and be together. The only thing stopping me is my children.

How do you stop? I don’t WANT to let her go, I don’t WANT to forget her, I don’t WANT to lose the special friendship we built.

But I am. And it hurts, it hurts like knives thrust into my heart. I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to carry on.

That’s my story. Sorry it was so long.

All I feel is pain , sorrow and loneliness, and a feeling that I have just given up a woman that was so, so perfect for me.

[turtlemurtle]

ok heres what i have to say
1st.. do u want to stay with ur wife? do u wish u could feel all of that with ur wife that u did with the girlfriend?
2nd think back and ask urself.. y did i marry my wife? what was it that made me happy to be with her? go back to a place where u 2 connected and talk
3rd. have u ever considered marriage counseling? sex shouldnt be planned although with a family i bet its hard.. have u ever asked her to try new things for you so there's not that 20% missing? so u dont have to look for it in another women?
4th. try fixing things with ur wife for the sake of the kids.. if u 2 can be happy together it will show and make ur kids alot happier

if u feel like u can truely never love ur wife like u did either before or with the other girl then it might be time for a divorce... but actuall talk to ur wife.. talk about what really went wrong between you 2.. y u had to find another women.. maybe its not just u.. there could be something missing for her too in the relationship

ask her if she would be willing to do marriage counseling.. ask her if she could ever forgive u.. ask her if she is willing to give u that 20% so u can be happy.. and ask her what she if anything is missing in the relationship

as for the other girl it sounds like she did love u but wants to be with her husband... before u talk to her again talk to ur wife
then talk to her about what she wants... maybe it could be u both want to leave ur wife and her husband and get married
but that HAS to be the last resort

[tmj99]

Thanks turtlemurtle. In response to your points:

(1) I think yes. But the problem is I know I can never have with my wife what I did with the girlfriend. My wife just doesnt "talk that language". We've tried and tried and tried. Intimacy just isnt her thing. She literally does not feel it and does not know how to do it.

(2) I married her becuase at the time I wanted safety, love, security and someone who would never betray me. I got exactly what I wanted. Problem is I thought I could "grow" her to feel my sort of love and now I know she just cant do this.

(3) We were going to go to counselling before I found the girlfriend. You're right, maybe it is time to seriously consider this again.

(4) Yes I know. Essentially that is the decision that has been made. I just don't know how to let go of my feelings of love and loss for this other woman.

[jerybaby18]

First off, let me say how sorry I am for what you are going through. I had a similar situation with my ex husband (we are now separated). We had pretty much zero passion. I always thought that passion and sex weren't that important because we had so much more. we were like best friends. Sooner or later I ended up in your exact situation, in love with someone who was also married. We both have kids also. I ended up leaving my husband. Not for him though. I did it because I knew that if I had gotten to that point (we had separated 4 times by then) than I really was done with our relationship. And what I was doing wasn't fair. I didn't end up with the guy I above mentioned, but that is ok with me. I didn't leave my husband for him. But like you. I was madly in love with him. It took a while for my heart to heal, but it did.
The only thing I wish I did was a least go to counseling with my husband. We didn't because we couldn't afford it. And didn't think it could help. But I do wish the effort was made. so then I could have said we tried everything.
My husband and I have been separated over a year now. But we have a uncommon situation. We are still the BEST of friends. And that is the thing that has kept our son happy. And it is a friendship neither of us will give up. He is a wonderful man. A great friend. A fantastic father. We talk about everything. We just realize that us being together just doesn't work.
Whatever you do, make sure it is what you want. I understand you may wanna stay together for the sake of your kids. But believe me when I say this... they sense everything. They sense the tension and know something is not right. So they will feel it either way. I remember as a kid wishing my parents would divorce because I knew what was going on and there was alot of stress and tension in our household. It was not fun. So that being said.... You live one life, make sure you live it to be happy.

[tmj99]

Thanks for sharing jerybaby. Your situation does indeed sound similar so it helps to know there are others that understand.

Can I ask, how did you get over the married man that you loved but couldnt be with? This is the hardest part for me ... the woman I fell in love with was just so perfect for the things I am missing in life, we clicked so well, I'm so desperately in love with her and I know she is desperately in love with me. But it just cant be becuase of the children involved. But how do you kill something like that? I dont WANT to let it go, I am fighting it so hard. My heart is at war with my head. I KNOW I cant be with her for the sake of my children, but my heart doesnt want to let it go. And so I am in increasing pain warring with myself, knowing I am taking the only course of action available to me yet its causing me more pain by the moment.

Had things gone differently I would right now be on my way to see her, this was supposed to be our weekend together, and all I have now is pain.

You're right, I have one life and make sure I live it to be happy ... the problem is I am damned if I do and and damned if I dont. If I give in, call my (now ex) girlfriend and say I cannot survive without you, run away with me, then one of us or both of us has to give up our children. I dont think either of us could do that. But if I stay, I am in terrible pain and I am left thinking am I giving up the woman who was so right for me.

Either way is terrible pain. I've decided my kids must come first but god it hurts. I'm dying inside.

[jerybaby18]

I am so sorry for your pain.
It didn't end well between that guy and I. And that is what probably made it much easier. I felt betrayed by him (long story), which sometimes I feel I should have expected. Anyhow, it was easier because of that. I'm not saying I wasn't sad, because of course I was.. But time heels all wounds.
I wish I can give you better advice, but i seems you already have your decision down. But, is it the right one? I know you love your kids, but have you spoken to your wife at all about what would happen if you split. See the problem is for you guys is that this girl you love doesn't live nearby, so someone has to leave their children. And THAT I know is hard. My son lives with his dad, but mind you, they are a mile up the street and I see him when I want. So it makes it easier. I wish I had something worthwhile to say, but give it some time. This way maybe you will have a clearer head. This is a new and difficult disappointment. If you give it time, and still have the same feelings going on, you may need to consider leaving. And I am not saying for this girl. For you and for your wife, cuz to be honest, she doesn't deserve to be with someone who's heart isn't really with her. That is why I left my husband. It wasn't fair to him, and I think he deserves more.

[tmj99]

Thanks again, appreciate you sharing. I'm still in such a confused state, even though I've made the decision to stay and try for the sake of the kids, I still can't help checking my email desperately hoping for something from the girlfriend. I know this is counterproductive but I can't stop. I still think about her all the time and its just so damn hard to give up on the lost love when I know she felt the same way. I'm trying to live in the present and take one day at a time. It's just so painful because no matter which decisions I take there is pain. I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

[tmj99]

I'm weakening, I really want to contact her. Hate this.

[hello1]

You know I used to hate people that cheat but now I am in a relatioship I can understand in certain situation (lack of sex) why some people do cheat. I am not having enough sex with my boyfriend and it is very frustrating! Now I am thinking of other men in a sexual way, thinking of having an lover and it is crazy!

The problem is with this new woman, what if you did leave your wife and went with this new woman, a year or two down the road...what if she becomes like your wife? what was the point then? see its a risk either way. Good luck

[jerybaby18]

I know exactly how you feel with the constant checking of email and stuff. Totally get it. Didn't you say ur off from work or something? The best advice I can give you there, is to stay as busy as possible. The more time you have to sit and think about it, the harder it will be. I'm now having some issues with a guy I have been seeing in the last year, and when we split, the best thing I can do was stay busy. Helps. I would catch myself during any down time, thinking about it. I know how hard it is to want to make contact. I have given in multiple times. But we always end up in the same place.
So what I'm saying is, if things can't move forward in any way with her, can you still do what you were doing and be happy?

[tmj99]

Update. Last night it just all got too much. I talked with my wife, ultimately we decided that we both hated to see me like this. We've agreed to go to counselling but we both know that it can't solve the ultimate issue, the intimacy gap. We want to stay together because there is still love and respect and most of all there is the kids. But I'm dying without the intimacy. So I caved, I contacted the girlfriend with my wife's knowledge. I told her I was a mess without her and I missed her so much. She missed me too but it seems like she has been able to refocus on her husband more successfully than I have with my wife. We exchanged a few messages and she conceded that she still loves me and misses me, but doesnt think we can be together anymore. I've suggested once every six weeks, no more, with increased focus on our partners in between. She's thinking about it, I'm trying not to get my hopes up (but I am). Turns out she was pretty hurt by my kneejerk reaction to cut all ties - perhaps I acted too soon.

So I'm still in limbo and still feeling very down but maybe there is a ray of hope.

Jerybaby - yes I know thats true I just find it so hard to do. The one thing I have been successful at is spending more time with the kids which does help, and of course they love the time and attention. I know also what you say about having given in and made contact and it always ends badly. I suspect this one will too, but I had to give it one more try. If this one breaks down then I guess I'll just have to face facts and the pain.

[jerybaby18]

I understand that you don't want to lose her completely. But in all reality, if you keep her in your life, you can't REALLY focus on your marriage. If you really want to do that I suggest you cut all ties. Just because, whether your wife pretends she is ok with it or not, in reality it hurts her. I am sure. So if you do start marriage counseling (which I think is a great idea), then you really have to do so with the intention on making things better with her. But you have to put your complete heart into it or it's not worth doing.
I also had the intimacy issue with my husband, and it is one of the reasons that we didn't think counseling would work. But I do regret not doing it, because when thing get better emotionally, that could have gotten better also. Or even if it didn't, I could at least have said I did everything I could.
I understand how hard it is to be in a marriage lacking that and where there is no passion. I told myself that going forward, I don't want to be in a relationship that lacks that. It was lacking on my part from the beginning, but I didn't think it was that important because my husband was so great in many other ways. But I have learned that it really is important, so I don't want to make that same mistake again.
Anyhow, good luck. Keep us posted. I wish you all the best.

[tmj99]

Well the ex-gf and I have exchanged messages over the last 24 hours and it's clear that it isn't going to work. She gave it some thought but rejected the idea. She wants to focus on her marriage which I can't blame her for. The question of whether we can be friends is still being discussed. I want to and I don't, that probably makes no sense.

My wife and I are going to give it two weeks to try and let the rawness of emotions to settle then we will try counseling. We are both a bit skeptical because I just think the intimacy gap is too wide. It's not like she lost the passion, she has never had it, it's just not part of her makeup. But I'm going to give it a real try, maybe I can learn to live without passion in my life, who knows. Thanks again for listening and for the advice.

[steviej]

Wow, what a situation!!

My judgement is massively clouded because of my situation so I'm better off not giving advice, but your heartache must be terrible. If the situations were reversed and your wife was now back trying to make a go of it, would you be able to be intimate with her knowing what had happened? This is what she is facing.

Also, a marriage without intimacy, sounds hell. In your situation right now, an amicable split from the wife, get a place close by, see lots of your kids and meet someone new who can give you what you want.

[Loverboy24/7]

What the heck is going on in this world? I'm the "other guy" in torrid love affair with a married woman, and she also disclosed to me that she married someone with whom she never really had real[passion. She has a great career, family, money, and the picture perfect life according to her friends and co-workers.......if they only knew.

I guess that what we should take away from all this is don't ignore red flags early on in a relationship, or think that it will improve once you're married. Again, being a single guy, I'm having the time of my life with all the freaky sex in the world, although I'm tormented with feelings of guilt too because there are feelings involved at this stage of our game and she's really confused and restless because of all this.

All I can say is good luck and I hope things work out for you, but we both know deep in our hearts that getting involved with married prospects is a journey that statistically almost always ends in heartbreak. Do you think that perhaps your depression has contributed to your dilemma, specifically the concept of looking for something different or exciting as a means to improve your mood?