Want to break engagement

[Kaius]

Okay, a little back summary. My fiance and I have been engaged since Dec 2010. I have been showering her with love and gifts since we started dating in Dec 2009. For the last 9 months, her ex husband has not paid any spousal support or child support. I lost my job last July, but still gave her $10,000 so she could make ends meet. Two months later I gave her another $5,000. And in January I gave her another $5,500 for legal fees, as she just started suing her ex-husband. Meantime, I found a job that pays 35% less than the one that I lost last year. I am still paying $3,000 a month for child support, plus $2,000 a month for spousal support to my ex-wife. I had enough saved up from before, so money was not a huge issue. I gave her a $20,000 diamond engagement ring, and put $5,000 down for reserving our wedding in November of this year. I also gave her my credit card so she can use it for emergencies (car repairs, supplies, etc).

Two weeks ago I felt I was being taken advantage of, as I came to the realization that she's not listening to what I told her. She knew I had a lower paying job, and money was becoming scarce, yet she racked up an additional $4,000 on the credit card in 2 months, including a $1,000 facial treatment. I had to take a 2nd job, working evenings 6pm - 10pm teaching university because I was beginning to incur debt. I was mad, so I made up a lie and told her that my credit card limit has been exceeded, and my boss is about to lay me off so no payroll this week. I guess subliminally I wanted to test her to see what she would do when the funds dry up. Interestingly, the next day, the credit card company lowered my limit so I was in fact maxed out. Also, my boss couldn't get a loan, so he missed the payroll. So basically my lie became reality, and my fiancee took the appropriate actions.

She dropped out of medical school. She cut up the credit card. She pulled her kids out of after-school childcare ($580 per month), she fired the cleaning lady ($400 per month), she returned her cello ($60 per month). Pulled her daughter out of ballet ($120 per month), and reduced her groceries by $60 per week ($240 per month). Plus she got a part time job.

Ok, not only is she saving me $1,400 a month which I have been paying.... she makes enough to pay for housing and food for her and her kids. Sounds good? The only problem is....I have built enough resentment towards the past situation that I don't want to marry her anymore. I felt that she was okay watching me sink, and refused to take action until things were absolutely desperate. I feel it's a little too late. It was my fault to make her so comfortable....but I'm really disappointed.

So I hinted on the phone today that I think we should spend some time apart so she can finish suing her ex. She said no because it's an important time to stay close together and not let external things destroy our relationship. I really love her, and I know she loves me. But I don't want to get married any more. It doesn't feel right. I am 36 years old. I was in bad marriage for 12 years. I don't want a bad marriage again. I really want to call off the wedding.

[abel01]

Honestly man, she does not sound like a good spouse; just think about it, this is someone who your going to spend the rest of life together...i can almost guarentee she will do this agian...i don't know if she loves u like u love her ..but u deserve better.

[Horseyguy]

I thought this was posted a couple of weeks back? I remember all the comments about the $1,000 facial

anyway, what do you want? You told her the situation (which you created by the way) and her response was to listen and cut $1,400 a month off the bills.

If you don't want to be with her then fine, but don't blame her for your choices as justification for getting out

[Junket]

You are a f*cking retard.

[devonbrown]

I agree with Horseyguy completely. This doesn't sound like it is all her fault. In fact, it really sounds like you enabled the situation if not actively advanced it (was a $20000 engagement ring really necessary)? Then, you lied to her. If you were upset about how she was spending, it doesn't sound like you told her until you decided to lie about it and test her. And then you said you should take time apart until she was done suing her ex, not that you didn't want to get married...
If you don't trust her enough to talk honestly with her and stop playing games, then you definitely should back out of the wedding.

Good luck.

[Junket]

He should back out of the wedding for her sake, because he's deranged.

[Junket]

I enjoy spoiling her because I feel she deserves it, and she is always grateful. She has never asked me for anything... I always offered, as I feel is it my duty to meet her needs. I am her man... She has 2 very difficult children, one of which is borderline special-needs type. She never had help when she was married, so now I feel it is my duty to relieve her a bit with the cleaning lady and the after-school care. She does not sit at home eating bon-bons all day. She is in medical school. After she graduates, and becomes a doctor, she will be working full time. She's not making any excuses. She truly needs me, and I will not let her suffer.

So much for that.

[sweetkissesforu]

Your fiance is totally soiled you alone set the bar stop whining

[sweetkissesforu]

So much for that.

then whine

[reeba]

For those who aren't familiar with the history of this post, they do not live together, but klaus pays ALL her bills and her childrens bills and then some since this woman has expensive wasteful tastes.

I remember your previous posts regarding this. The problem is you have just as little of a concept of living on a budget, and neither does your gf. And all us regular folks on this site have no sympathy for you. Especially after pissing away all that cash on this woman.

So what she is saving you $1400 a month. My guess she is still spending your money to the tune of several thousand a month. Her part time job is just barely covering her housing. And her expense cut backs (except for medical school) are no big sacrifice. boohoo she had to give up a cello.

She didn't work before so I have no idea why she thought she needed a maid and child care, when all she did was go to school for about 10 hours a week. My guess is she wasn't too serious about medical school since she dropped it so easily.

I still say she is a greedy little snatch, and you like enabling it for some weird reason.

Maybe her 'deadbeat' husband left her high and dry, because she spent him into the poor house. And he is resentful of what she did to him. Just like you are starting to feel.

[sweetkissesforu]

spoiled gf rich bf who knows old post

[girl68]

There was a comment about her being a bad spouse. True. Kaius however is also a going to be a bad spouse. Doing on thing, turning around a bitching a second later. The saying on thing to test her, the whining becasue she failed. Saying this and then taking it back. I mean did you learn nothing from 1 failed marriage other then you need a horny chick?

[GK001]

i agree with most of the post here. i remember every 1 was telling you she might be a gold digger, you wont believe it. then you made up the "broke" story to test her to see if she would cut back which she did but now shes not good enough? right...arnt you the mental one...

[Kaius]

Yup... I actually talked to her in person last night, and told her everything I was feeling. I said I am crazy, and I really don't know what to think because I whine and bitch about stuff that are my creation. I honestly love her, and honestly wanted to give her everything. The resentment comes from my logical side, which tells me I have been handling my money wrong. But all the giving was from my emotional side, which loves her more than I can describe. I told her this isn't going to work because I don't feel right, and this appears to be an unhealthy trend.

She rejected my decision to call off engagement. She says everyone is stressed, and we all do crazy things. Because we genuinely love each other, everything else is external and can be fixed. She will take a 2nd job to make sure we are okay by summer, when we move in together as a family. She would rather die than to lose me....which made me reconsider. I think I have been insane because my perception of "needs" is skewed. I don't want to leave her. I just feel messed up. She told me that if I really want to leave her, she can help me by killing me first.

[girl68]

Great plan to move in by summer, just fantasic plan! Congrats...

End of sarcasm. I can't believe you're proceeding.