My husband fondles me while I sleep? What is his problem?

[Regnent]

how does she wake you up? grabbing your penis?

She has on occasion. Usually it's by shaking me and telling me something like a kid is sick, or that she hears a noise, or that she can't sleep, or that the baby is crying.
She doesn't usually make the first move, and just gets irritated if I don't. But If I make moves when she's not interested, she gets ticked off. Which is why I get pissy when I get shot down.

[sweetkissesforu]

^^^^^ hate to be blunt, but i am so annoyed by your smileys

If your talking to me i dont know how to get rid of them

[hello1]

You guys don't get my point. If I was asleep, in a deep asleep and I woke up to find my boyfriend having sex with me, now I have no idea this was happening till I woke up. How is that not wrong? No that does not make me prude but I would want to be awake to be in any sexual activity and calling me a prude because I don't like someone using my body when I am asleep is a total joke.

[Petit Papillon]

Dunno how big is your bfs penis, but if my bf put his penis inside of me, I would wake up, EVEN from a deep sleep hahahahaha

[qwertz]

I would quite like to wake up to find my bf using my body.

[Take2]

You guys don't get my point. If I was asleep, in a deep asleep and I woke up to find my boyfriend having sex with me, now I have no idea this was happening till I woke up. How is that not wrong? No that does not make me prude but I would want to be awake to be in any sexual activity and calling me a prude because I don't like someone using my body when I am asleep is a total joke.

I get your point, I don't think you get mine. I have several.

1. It is extremely unlikely that a bf/husband could actually get all the way to penetration before his gf/wife woke up at all. She would at least be semi-awake and receptive to his advances, at least her body is responding. So waking from a dead sleep to find sex already underway is not really how it plays out, but that's the scenario you keep jumping to.

2. Consent is given nonverbally all the time, and in an intimate relationship a partner should be able to use a caress or intimate touch as a request for something more. If my lover touches me when I am awake or asleep, my positive response IS consent or my negative response is consent denied.

3. Waking up to kisses and caresses from someone you love feels GOOD. Someone whose body you enjoy wants to enjoy your body, that's a nice way to be awakened. And it's far more gentle than the blare of an alarm clock or someone switching on the light or the phone ringing or something. It's the most luxuriously gradual awakening I know of, actually.

[want2behappy]

It is difficulty to describe everything that has transpired over the last 1-2 years without writing a book. However, for clarification, the pain I was going through that made it pretty much impossible to have sex lasted for about 6months or so. And, during that time I was sick to the point where it was a major chore to do one load of laundry (because I was in pain and had absolutely no energy). Some people talk about wife duties but what about the husband being caring and understanding when his wife is going through a health issue? When you are in that much pain, on major muscle relaxers, and have absolutely no energy you don't feel like giving your man a bj or a hand job in lieu of sex. So, is it too much to ask that maybe he masturbate during this time?

Well, the problems with our intimacy started during my illness because he repeatedly woke me up when I was exhausted and in pain trying to feel me up. I told him how bad I felt and he knew that I needed and would be having surgery soon but that didn't deter him. I hate to say it, but it almost seemed like when I was doped up on muscle relaxers that is when he would touch me the most while I was asleep, I guess thinking I wouldn't know it happened or remember. But, how does that show support to your wife in that situation? Because of that happening our intimacy took a big dive after I was better because we were dealing with what he had done while I was sick.

After him apologizing and us starting to have sex again (see, I am not completely unreasonable or horrible to my husband) I thought we were back on track. But, then it started again. I was working two jobs to help us with our finances and doing most of the stuff around the house and I was tired every now and then. When I told him that I was tired and I might need a little slack on the sex he said he would be ok with it. Then, it started again. For some reason, one time, just after we had sex (2 days later) there I was asleep again and he started fondling. When I woke up I was angry and the next day we fought about it again. I told him I thought we had gotten over it and asked him why he couldn't wait just a few days and he said, "I don't know I guess I have control issues." Well, after it started again our sex life got worse and worse because I would ask him not to wake me up and when he did we would fight for days and not make up for 1-2 weeks. Then, about a week later it would happen again regardless if we had just had sex.

So, that is why I wrote this -- because I think it is just a vicious cycle of him doing what he wants and me getting upset because I feel like there is no respect from him. And, quite frankly, after all this time, I don't really care anymore if he gets sex because I don't think he cares that what he is doing hurts me emotionally.

I really don't think if you are tired your spouse should wake you up repeatedly throughout the week. Sometimes, I couldn't even function at work because I was so tired from being woken up several times in one week. I think at that point when you tell your spouse you are exhausted and all they care about is themselves then you have a problem....like us.

It is really difficult to rebuild trust after it is lost and if you tell your spouse what you need to feel as if they respect and care about you and they can't do it then I guess that is not the person for you. After reading everyone’s comments I think we will most likely get a divorce because nothing is changing and the distance is just getting worse. We are now in separate bedrooms again because the other night I feel asleep on the couch watching tv and there he was again fondling me -- after I specifically told him before he went to bed that I didn't feel good. I think it is time he finds someone with a higher sex drive or someone who isn't as busy as I am. It is just sad that we are just another statistic for broken marriages.

I can understand taking one for the team and compromising but it cannot be one sided all the time. I do appreciate all of the feedback though.

[Ric]

It sounds like he has a serious problem where he can't control himself if he doesn't get what he needs. No regular sexual release leads to that behavior for him.
Perhaps it might be a good idea to talk to him about professional help. Seeing a pshyciatrist together. Perhaps he can fix it.

The second option is of course just divorcing him and moving on. It would be quite understandable if you don't want to try anymore.
One thing is clear, he has some serious boundaries issues and a severe lack of discipline.

[doppelgaenger]

It sounds like he has a serious problem where he can't control himself if he doesn't get what he needs.

I have a serious problem where I can't control myself. It's hard to sleep next to a beautiful woman who smells delicious and *not* touch her, even after having sex. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and find myself caressing her or licking her nipples or grabbing her ass. It's a good thing she doesn't view this as rape... some of the best sex we've had has been in the middle of the night like that.

[Ric]

I have a serious problem where I can't control myself. It's hard to sleep next to a beautiful woman who smells delicious and *not* touch her, even after having sex. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and find myself caressing her or licking her nipples or grabbing her ass. It's a good thing she doesn't view this as rape... some of the best sex we've had has been in the middle of the night like that.

Now ask yourself if your wife/girlfriend had repeatedly said you shouldn't do that because she's either in pain or really needs her sleep... would you continue doing it?

[doppelgaenger]

Now ask yourself if your wife/girlfriend had repeatedly said you shouldn't do that because she's either in pain or really needs her sleep... would you continue doing it?

Nah, I'd probably watch some porn and fly solo.

[vashti]

I hate to say it, but it almost seemed like when I was doped up on muscle relaxers that is when he would touch me the most while I was asleep, I guess thinking I wouldn't know it happened or remember. .

Okay, now THAT is flat-out creepy.

[Ric]

Nah, I'd probably watch some porn and fly solo.

See, there's the difference. You have enough self-control to not go against the wishes of your partner like that.

[DoesntMatter]

Have you tried fondling him back?

Oh wait, guys like that

[warriormaiden]

Look if you wake up to find your boyfriend penis in you then you have not given consent, it is rape. Scary how many men on this forum think its okay to rape their partner when they are asleep.

I personally wouldn't have a problem with that. Infact, I invite it.

But anywho.
OP, you sound like you have totally and utterly have fallen out of love with this man. You have stated that there were already some issues before your surgery, and that right there may have pushed you further away from him on it's own. And then with the surgery, and you not feeling close to him and he's touching you the way that he is, and you are not comfortable with it, it has totally turned you off. From the sounds of it, it sounds like you two have been on this road for a very long time, and maybe it is time for you to end it. You sound, down right pissed about him touching you, which I find kind of strange in a relationship. Most women can't even get their HUSBANDS to look at them. Yeah, it sounds like you have already put up a wall against him. To me, it sounds like your husband has transformed in to a pervy stranger on the street in your head.