My husband fondles me while I sleep? What is his problem?

[want2behappy]

My husband fondles me in my sleep several times a week thinking (I guess) that he will get some. However, since this has been happening our relationship has taken a toll. It started when I got really sick and needed surgery. Even when I was in pain (down there from surgery) he still fondles me by touching me down there which caused me to wake up in massive pain. When approaching him about it he says it is just a control issue on his part and that he won't do it anymore but it still persists. Now, we rarely have sex and we fight all the time. This has been going on for about 2 years. I didn't want to get divorced so I tried to trust him and see if he would stop but he hasn't. We have been in counseling for 2 months and he has even talked to the priest at our church...still nothing has gotten better. We are now at -- what seems like -- the end of our relationship. The sad part is if he just understood and respected my body when I was sick the intimacy wouldn't have gone away. Now, it seems it is a habit for him regardless of how I feel about it. I am tired all of the time because I get little sleep from him waking me up. And, now, we are sleeping in different rooms waiting it out to see if a miracle happens.

Any advice as to what I should do? Divorce? Getting him help, and if so what kind of help?

[Regnent]

Honestly, I don't always behave either. And yes, it's caused it own fights.

I find, as long as I'm not half asleep, that I often have to get up and whack off before I can behave myself, and sleep.

I also know that I'm far less... invading if I've have sex in.. say a week or two.

It's no excuse on my part, but shutting down on your part sure doesn't help either of you.
I'd say you both have a problem, and it isn't going to magically fix it's self on one side.

I don't know about your husband, but I find it progressivly harder over time to simply behave. Half asleep, or just horny as hell. -I- feel very put off by the negative reaction, and can feel very bitter and hostile over it.

While his advances may be the cause, you're both propagating it.

If it's a big problem, and you -want- to see it resolved, I would think you should -both- see a marriage, or even sex councilor. This isn't just his problem anymore, it's also yours.

If you somehow feel this is just one part of a failure, do both of you a favor, and file for divorce.

[Kaius]

Why are you so against him fondling you? Hes just horny and wants you. Is showing affection so bad now even 2 years after your surgery? Do you care about him at all?

[vashti]

I like being fondled. lol

[Illusional]

if he's not willing to change, then it's up to you to change the situation if you want things to get better... ie divorce his ass.

raverboy

[want2behappy]

The sad part is that I have asked him to try something (i.e. fondle or ask if we can do it) when we are both awake so we aren't tired all of the time and he doesn't -- he just waits until I am asleep. Also, I have asked him to give me affection without fondling (not all of the time but a decent amount) so I can feel that connection with him and he doesn't. He says it is hard for himi to give affection without fondling so now he just doesn't give me any affection at all. Then, waits for me to fall asleep and starts fondling...I feel lonely because of the lack of affection and I feel exhausted all of the time from him repeatedly waking me up.

Because I felt bad about being sick and not being able to be intitmate for so long I waited it out this long to see if things will change. I think it is going to come down to him finding someone who is ok with this. And, to answer your question about whether or not I care about him...well, I used to before all of this happened.

I mean, even when I was sick it seemed like it was all about him and his needs versus me being sick and needing someone understanding. As a result, I felt horrible all of the time -- like a burden being sick and then like the "bad guy" who wasn't able to fulfill her husband's needs. Looking back now I cannot beleive that I felt tht way and now I realize that a good husband would not allow his wife to feel that way either.

If sex was so improtant to him while I was sick he should have divorced me instead of constantly trying to force something on me while I was physically unable to provide.

I guess lessoned learned. The sad thing is, I hope he never meets someone else who might have health issues because they will go through the same things I have. A marriage should never be about just one person's needs especially if the other one of them is sick.

Thanks for your reply but it sounds really one sided.

[Boisdevie]

How long does it take getting over an operation/illness? Two years? I suspect he's bloody frustrated

[blinki]

she's pissed because she has asked him not to do that when she's sleeping, but he continues to do so. which is disrespectful. what part do you people not understand? would you want to sleep with someone that continues to do things to you, after you have asked them numerous times to stop? it would be a major turn off for me... anyone that does that obviously has no respect for their partner and doesn't care how they feel at all. how attractive!!!! not.

[vashti]

eh, give him a blow job before bed. I bet he'd keep his hands to himself then. But seriously, you may eventually come to regret that.

[Lixer]

Wow, I can't imagine being in your situation. It's definitely not something you should be forced to live with. I don't even know how you did it for 2 years. By now I think it's kind of clear his issue will not go away. Since you are not giving consent to his actions and you clearly don't like it, this is spousal rape. You can take legal actions.

[sweetkissesforu]

she's pissed because she has asked him not to do that when she's sleeping, but he continues to do so. which is disrespectful. what part do you people not understand? would you want to sleep with someone that continues to do things to you, after you have asked them numerous times to stop? it would be a major turn off for me... anyone that does that obviously has no respect for their partner and doesn't care how they feel at all. how attractive!!!! not.

i think you and the op are both a little prudish i love when a man lets me know he wants me a little long for recovery id say he'd be frustrated

[blinki]

i think you and the op are both a little prudish i love when a man lets me know he wants me a little long for recovery id say he'd be frustrated

ok, but that's where people are different. you like it. she doesn't.

if she doesn't want him to do it, that's that. he shouldn't be doing it.

[Regnent]

I'm kinda on the fence on this one.
I think she's holding a grudge, that if she can work on getting over it, things -might- have a chance to smooth out.
I also agree that he's being disrespectfull, and more effort on his part -might- help things smooth out.

On his side, he may well feel that he's been forced to put in more than he's gotten back. You were sick, and unable to be to sexually intimate. His duties must still be performed. Once you're able to do your duty, he's going to feel very frustrated about doing even -more- just to get his. It's hard to be 'casually' intimate with someone you feel bitter towards. Doesn't mean it's fair to you, but it may be how he feels.

I can't even really guess your side, but I can guess the result.
You're bitter about his actions, you want respect that you're not getting, and as long as you're not getting it, you have -no- interest in pleasing him. You're also not going to just put out because he does something once or twice, you want to see a consistant behavior change. You want to feel that you can trust him, but that doesn't happen over night. Not fair to him, but it's how you feel.

Problem is, they both probably have a grudge, and as long as it's there, it's only going to get worse.

[IncognitoSir]

Damn, I can't believe you're complaining about your HUSBAND fondling you. The question is why does he wait until you fall asleep?? Because you don't have sex with him! So he's married and can't have sex. His options are the five finger tango or go cheat on you with a woman who would have him or fondle you in your sleep. You're going to divorce this guy for fondling you in your sleep. I know there's a respect thing here but, geeeesh, what would you expect from a horny married man? I'm not sure what I would do if my wife refused to have sex with me like you're doing to him. 2 years to get over an operation, that doesn't sounds accurate but i'm no doctor. I'd go crazy.

[Sonrisa]

the obvious is...she is not attracted to him anymore, thus his attention is not wanted. it's now up to you to decide whether to stay together or to try and find someone else who'll put up with that.

honestly, i am big on privacy and if someone was touching me in my sleep he just might get a punch to the head. my sleep is more precious to me than...ughm...sex....food....air...