New ro the forum, advice anyone on debts/money/lies in a relationship??

[wispa]

I am not sure if anyone has been in a relationship like this before, but I would love some help or direction. I have been with my partner nearly 4 years. He has a lovely 4 bed detached house, with the ex, that he tried to buy her out but couldnt afford to, so ended up keeping the house in the end, and she told him she wanted out of the mortgage completely which was a blessing. He still owed her £12k for a holiday, had 6 credit cards, another mortgage loan from a past house and a remortgage and mortgage on this 4 bed house. I didnt know all this until I started to see letters, phone calls and worries around the 2nd year in particular when I was living with him. Since she left 4 years ago, he hasnt been able to pay his bills, the mortgage went in arrears and he has 2 county court actions against him for of all.

He gets paid a good wage, we live together in his house and I pay him the utility bills amount as that what he told me they were, and he still pays his mortgage and his remortgage. When he gets bonuses every year, since we met in 2007 he was paying off his debts from the past. The house still cant be in his name because of arrears, I asked him to consolidate his payments but he hasnt and he borrowed £10k from his dad 2 years ago which I thought should have helped.

Now nearly 4 years on, I am fine, have my own place, which is rented out and debt free, but what I am still noticing is we cant go out for unless he has just been paid, because he cant afford it, but he likes going on holiday, and we have been so far twice this year, so we go skiing, then realise halfway through the holiday he has no money left, so misses a day skiing and I end up paying separately for mine and waste money. He didnt tell me he couldnt afford to go. I pay for the food in the house and decorating and anything that needs doing in the house as well. We both work full time too.

So then he has a trip to Hong Kong this week with work, hasnt paid the hotel bill but sells his iphone instead to pay for his hotel literally the night before, through my paypal, and ebay so that I can give him that cash for his holiday and then the phone money cleared while he was away. I cant believe this. He paid for that phone last year from his bonus £600.00 again something he couldnt afford but bought it anyway because he wanted it.

Sorry to go on, then while he is away, I notice he now has to pay council tax from his salary because of missed payments, he must have contacted the council tax to confirm this with his current employment company. the gas and electricity havent been paid for 3 months, same for the phone and his 3rd mortgage so I think, where is this money going??

He gambled once online, 2 years ago and made £2700 again nowhere to be seen....but not sure if he has since.

When confronting him with this, he said either leave me, or I sell my house, and tells me that he is trying to put things right, and trying to get things sorted, but i dont understand, I feel I dont know what is being paid. It worries me as we are considering children, and I have just found I am pregnant also. If he sells his house, that means I buy in my name, take over his finances, but feel I cant do this, and who is to say he wont be able tol pay me monthly for the bills unless we arrange a direct debit which he has with all his other bills but they always bounce!

4 years on with bonuses and we are still the same....
By the way these bonuses are a good chunk of money!!

I have spoken to my parents about this and it concerns them, more so my mum because I am pregant and doesnt want to be a single mum, or with my partner always stressed worried will he pay the bills, look after me. I feel I cant control him its more about understanding why he doesnt tell me he is still in trouble or talk about any problems, nothing at all!

thanks for reading

[steviej]

It's a tough situation and one that he seems to be hiding from. The solution is easy, the pair of you need to sit down and closely examine his finances, see what can be consolidated, try to reduce the interest and work out how much he can afford to pay back each month.
The difficult bit is getting him to do it! Definitely he has his head in the sand and potentially a gambling addiction. Addicts can be very good at hiding their vice.
CCJ's mean that baylift visits are not far away either, and there is a realistic chance of losing the house unless he gets his finances in order.

There is a lot of help out there though, national debtline is free and impartial and can offer lots of help, money saving expert website has alot of info on this as well.

Personally, i think you need to have a serious but calm discussion, keep your cool and tell him you are worried about yours & the baby's future and you want to help him sort the mess out.

Does he know your pregnant?

[smackie9]

Gezz your pregnat?! Sorry girl but this guy is livin on lies. He has a gambling problem which means he has an addictive personality. This is no enviroment to raise a child in. Your best bet is to be a single mom, because if you stay with him, he will bring you down with him....it will f uck up your credit rating too. And already he has you giving him money, he owes his family money and who knows who else. Sorry but this relationship is doomed and I feel you know it.

[steviej]

I believe it can be salvaged, but only if he admits he has a problem and seeks help for it. Otherwise I agree with smackie.

[smackie9]

On another note. DO NOT give him anymore money, cut him off because all you are doing is enabling him.

[Regnent]

Let me put this up.
Single income, 7 kids.
My job isn't high paying, but it's far from minimum wage.

We were living beyond our means, moved 5 years ago, and changed how we use money. Most of that debt is now done.

Like poeple say, he's either got a gambling issue, or simply -cannot- handle finances.

You say partner, which kind of implies that it's above dating, but not yet a fully commited relationship. In this case, you don't have alot of control (or even grounds for) over how he uses money. He's got some sort of problem, and I think you're going to be hard pressed to 'fix' it.

[wispa]

It's a tough situation and one that he seems to be hiding from. The solution is easy, the pair of you need to sit down and closely examine his finances, see what can be consolidated, try to reduce the interest and work out how much he can afford to pay back each month.
The difficult bit is getting him to do it! Definitely he has his head in the sand and potentially a gambling addiction. Addicts can be very good at hiding their vice.
CCJ's mean that baylift visits are not far away either, and there is a realistic chance of losing the house unless he gets his finances in order.

There is a lot of help out there though, national debtline is free and impartial and can offer lots of help, money saving expert website has alot of info on this as well.

Personally, i think you need to have a serious but calm discussion, keep your cool and tell him you are worried about yours & the baby's future and you want to help him sort the mess out.

Does he know your pregnant?

Yes he does know I am pregnant. I feel its a silly mistake of mine, and to blame and wished I had waited but to be honest its a wake up call as well!!

[wispa]

It's a tough situation and one that he seems to be hiding from. The solution is easy, the pair of you need to sit down and closely examine his finances, see what can be consolidated, try to reduce the interest and work out how much he can afford to pay back each month.
The difficult bit is getting him to do it! Definitely he has his head in the sand and potentially a gambling addiction. Addicts can be very good at hiding their vice.
CCJ's mean that baylift visits are not far away either, and there is a realistic chance of losing the house unless he gets his finances in order.

There is a lot of help out there though, national debtline is free and impartial and can offer lots of help, money saving expert website has alot of info on this as well.

Personally, i think you need to have a serious but calm discussion, keep your cool and tell him you are worried about yours & the baby's future and you want to help him sort the mess out.

Does he know your pregnant?

He is forever saying "I am just triyng to put everything right!" but he tells me this, everytime I bring it into conversation, but I am not sure what he is "trying to" put right if debts are still overdue, bills arent being paid and last minute money he needs. My parents mentioned I am his safe guard whenever he needs money or he wants something whereas for me if I fall pregnant I will need him but wil he be there for me financially, that is my worry?

[steviej]

'Hard love' is needed. He's brushing it under the carpet, he's borrowing money off you and yet you mention about him buying expensive phones and holidays. It all has to change!
You can't let him fob you off, you need the security and stability to raise a child and that isn't there at the moment. If you cannot get through to him the situation will only get worse.
You might consider telling him you are going to move back home with your parents to give him space to think and sort things out. The shock of this might snap him out of his bubble (this should be last resort though!!)

[Petit Papillon]

It's bad, I understand that people can get down in debts, it happens, but it's been so many years and he didn't manage to improve his situation? Sorry but if I have debts, I don't do holidays 5 times a year, hell I do no holidays! This guy is immature, he can't set the priorities ,the right ones at least. Don't try to build a family with such person ,cause it means nothing but troubles ... He's no role model for any child ,cause he's a child himself... If I were you, I think I would leave. Sooner is better than later ..

[smackie9]

When people have money troubles all the time there lies a deeper issue. They tend to lie and cheat those all around them just a drug addict or an alcoholic. They keep you at bay with, "I'll get this right", "I will have this fixed soon", "I know I can get this straightened out just lend me some money", etc. He is in complete denial and need professional help, and I'm not talking financial, he need to see a therapist. It's not about money....he ha a gambling addiction, more so than he has led on. These addictions are not different than being an alcohol, so counseling and visiting groups like AA has to be life long commitment. This is something that can't be fixed in a few weeks. You are better off staying away from him. And don't expect child support...I'm sure you may see one or two payments, but he will be coming up with more excuses and lies on how he can't pay.