I'm in a difficult situation with my gf, what should I do?

[jt1]

Hi everyone. I've always read advice about others' problems but now I feel that I need advice. I apologize in advance for my post being so long but I hope that giving all the details will help you understand this issue and help me vent this problem, since I don't really have anyone who can give me helpful advice. I have posted this on another site, but I would really like to hear from as many people as possible.

My girlfriend, who was my first in everything, sex and what have you, and I have been going out for 4 years and 5 months now. Though it does sound cliche, I really do love her with everything I have. When I met her, she was 16 I was 18, going on 19, she had been broken up with an ex for about over a week. I didn't think too much of it though. She also had been having father issues for a long time as well, her father would neglect her in the way that he wouldn't show her that he loved her, and because her mother and father had argued so much when she was younger, they separated and left her longing for her father to say he loved her. She was also a cutter for a very short period of time, and she, for years, has had strong feelings of hate towards her father. She despised him greatly to say the least. For about a year and a half we did just fine, during which she lived with her father still, I would help her with her issues and I would always have a shoulder for her to cry on whenever she needed it, and I would comfort her as much as I could. We would have plenty of fun times, like any relationship does.

After about a year and a half into the relationship, she told me she felt very guilty, because she had a crush on a guy she had chatted with for a long time with, they were pen pals as well. I told her it was a stupid crush and to let it go. I forgave her for it and we moved on and they eventually talked again, but not till way later on. I also had felt guilty at a time because I had lied too, I had said that I did not watch porn, but I had done so later on. Yes, I know, it's stupid of me to have said it, but I don't know why I said I didn't, maybe at the time I was a little insecure about myself as well, since I never had a girlfriend, I had dated a girl for a month or so in high school, but that didn't end well, so that may have been where my insecurity came from, but it went away eventually.

Anyway, after she graduated, she moved in with me and my family, I still lived at home, well i still do. Some time into the relationship, I would not spend much time with her and would not really show much affection towards her. She started hanging out and making friends, because she never really had many friends, I was one of the only people who was very close to her.
She eventually met some guy and she started spending more time with him. I started getting suspicious, so I confronted her. She told me that she kissed him, in which she started crying and saying how bad she felt, but that that was as far as she took it. I believed her, because even though she had kissed another guy, I know she's not the type to sleep with people randomly as such. I told her to stop talking to him, and never contact him again, and so she never did talk to him again.

Now comes to the most recent problem. She had to go overseas to work for her mother as a teacher. She left just this past December 2010 and she came back 3 days ago. All the way up until February 20 she would tell me she loved me and she would communicate with me plenty. But a week and a half later, she begins to tell me that she does not feel anything for me. This hits me as a huge shock, because not too long ago she was saying she loved me. also, the way she said it was in a very cold manner, i felt that this wasn't her true self. I started to think back on her past and how she may have depression and that all the stress from not being able to do anything for herself, since she was working so much overseas as a teacher and lack of free time to relax and rid her stress had a huge effect on her. she mentioned that boyfriends are trivial, and that relationships are trivial. This was after she said that the thing she was truly focusing on, was repairing the relationship with her father. She wanted to get her feelings across to him and for him to say that he loves her and accepts her. She says that she doesn't feel love towards me, and she started thinking that maybe she was just convincing herself that she did love me before.

Yesterday I find out that she was talking to her pen pal that she had talked to a long time ago, they would chat every once in a great while, but nothing serious, until I made an educated guess and asked her if she liked the guy. She said she does. She says she feels calm with him, I didnt know what the hell to think, I was just so F@cking mad that in my anger I caller her a F#kin idot and told her to stop talking to him and to cut ties with him, that it just isn't ****ing healthy or helping. It really pissed me off since I would try and wake up early in the morning, usually at 4 or 5 am just to get a chance to chat with her online because of the time difference. As I eventually found out, she would also be chatting with that same pen pal at the times I would be on. Throughout the relationship, we would do as much as we could for us, but as she said, she does not see me in her future. She told me that she had been feeling like this for a while and thinking like that for a while as well, for about a year already or so, she said she sometimes would feel like she loves me, other times she wouldn't. But I said people just naturally stop feeling it, because its not a new relationship anymore, that's how relationships are, but you have to work at it to keep it exciting and new at times.

As of today, she has told me that she wants me to help her move her stuff into her fathers house, which is about less than 5 miles from where I live, she wants to go since she wants to spend time with him. I don't see her doing that is the problem, the problem is that she just She does not really feel "love" towards me, and that she is giving our relationship a chance for now, as she said "more for your sake." and that she will not talk to that guy she likes. Is she confused? Has the stress gotten to her? Is she depressed? I don't quite know. Should we just take it day by day and see what happens? She says that people just lose feelings sometimes, but I say there's always a reason. I think she just doesn't really know what shes feeling right now, and now that things are going alright with her father so far, she doesn't want anything else in her way. However, as a I told her, in relationships there are compromises, I made plenty of them in order to spend time with her as much as I could. I would work as hard as I could for her, and it pisses me off so damn much and makes me feel like all I did meant nothing to her.

I really don't know what to do. She leaves in 3 months back overseas, and I feel that I don't have much time left with her. She said that if her feelings do not change till then, then we'll have to break up, since she won't be happy.
Thank you all for reading through this, I really do appreciate you taking your time to helping me with my problem. I truly do love her, I'm not an idiot, but I also don't know what to do, your advice will be well appreciated.

[donidian41]

if you truly love her then take it day by day & give her times to discover her feeling about you, never push her, just kept to be the best for her. for us,
love is serious business, we won't be rushing. use every day counting to make bond but never ask 'do you love me?' just focus to make bond & make her
enjoy every minutes she spent with you, good deep emotional relationship is the key so when she go overseas she knew some thing is missing with her day.
but if finally she thought you not the one, you should let her go coz if you love some body you always want the best for her although it isn't you

[Anturo]

She told you she hasn’t been feeling you for about a year.

She doesn’t love you the same way you love her.

She has been using your love for her to her advantage. Do you want this forever?

Yet at the same time you’ve done everything you can to try and control her. Is that what you want? Your own personal lap dog woman?

She does know what she is feeling and it’s not you, you just don’t want to accept that.

Her leaving is the best for both of you. Now she can fix her and you have time to fix you.

[Eric&Amanda]

Be less pissed off with the situation, don't tell her not to speak to that pen pal, don't call her a 'f#kin idot' anymore, and instead of it, be supportive of her decisions, be loving, send her chocolates, surprise her after work/school with her favourite coffee. She sees you as her pissed boyfriend and is tired of it, while the other guy is giving her attention and compliments and trying to get your girl, and eventually she will fall for it.

Source: my experience...

[jt1]

I'd first like to thank you all for your advice and taking time for reading my situation.

Update: She has moved in to her fathers house today, I just finished taking some of her stuff over there and she will be coming by tomorrow to pick up the rest of her stuff.

About calling her names and controlling her. I apologized for calling her those names. As for controlling her, I never intended to do such things nor did I really try. My aim was to only help her see what exactly was going on. She is a person that needs to be reassured of things from time to time. Also, while moving her stuff today, I acted like everything was fine. We did not hug, we just said bye, and see you later, tomorrow she said to pick up her stuff. But I never thought of her as a personal lap dog or plaything. I have accepted what she is feeling, as I'm really left with no choice, since she wants to do what she intends to. last night she did agree to try and work things out, so we'll see what happens with that.
I understand I shouldn't be mad about the situation, but as I'm sure we all know, it's pretty difficult to contain yourself sometimes, specially when something about another person comes into play. Just for the record, I've never abused her. I have always been a kind person to her. I don't believe in hitting women, or abusing them verbally or mentally.

The reason for her on/off type thinking of loving me was because she has her father issues that shes had in her mind for years, which to her are more of a priority than dealing with us. Also, I just thought it could have been depression, since she did show most signs of it.

My question now is, would it just be best for now to do? She said we would try and work things out. We have not officially broken up yet, so what would be the best thing to do? That is what I'm left wondering.

[jt1]

Update: Today, we broke up. She told me she wasn't feeling anything and would be more comfortable just separating and then seeing what happens.
I think shes making a mistake. Mainly because she was juggling this decision when she was at her most stressed overseas as a teacher. Then she made the mistake of talking to her online friend more than me and separating and distancing herself from me, while I'm up at 4am just to talk to her. That and then getting here and finding out most of what her mother said about herself and her father was a lie. Her mother was the real "bad guy" while the dad was the good one.

So now shes all happy that shes with her dad. Perfectly fine by me, nothing wrong with being happy with family.

What do you all think of this? Would I be wrong to assume such things as her making a mistake?

[IncognitoSir]

You need to go no contact and focus on yourself, remember she left YOU. Move on, she doesn't want you anymore. Things tend to unfold exactly how they should. Maybe she'll return some day, she probably won't......Go lick your wounds and move on with your life, I guarantee you she will do the same.

[HeartIsAching]

Update: Today, we broke up. She told me she wasn't feeling anything and would be more comfortable just separating and then seeing what happens.
I think shes making a mistake. Mainly because she was juggling this decision when she was at her most stressed overseas as a teacher. Then she made the mistake of talking to her online friend more than me and separating and distancing herself from me, while I'm up at 4am just to talk to her. That and then getting here and finding out most of what her mother said about herself and her father was a lie. Her mother was the real "bad guy" while the dad was the good one.

So now shes all happy that shes with her dad. Perfectly fine by me, nothing wrong with being happy with family.

What do you all think of this? Would I be wrong to assume such things as her making a mistake?

Do you even listen to yourself?

You're totally controlling. You assume that you have the right of it, and she couldn't possibly be bright enough to figure things out for herself. You assume that what you want is correct, and what she wants is a mistake. You whine that you were getting up at 4:00 AM to talk to her, and she's talked to *gasp* other people.

Grow up. Get some help for your controlling nature.

[jt1]

Do you even listen to yourself?

You're totally controlling. You assume that you have the right of it, and she couldn't possibly be bright enough to figure things out for herself. You assume that what you want is correct, and what she wants is a mistake. You whine that you were getting up at 4:00 AM to talk to her, and she's talked to *gasp* other people.

Grow up. Get some help for your controlling nature.

I see what you mean. However, by no means am I saying she isn't bright enough. All I was saying is the possibility that during such times of stress, she may have made this mistake, everyone makes them, I was just wondering. Also, I really don't care she talked to other people, I mentioned her online/ old crush/ resurfaced crush as for more means as to why things happened as they did. I apologize if I appear controlling, I'm just trying to make sense of it all.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You are in denial. She does not love you. Sounds like she does not even like you. She is not making a mistake, she is doing what's right and leaving a relationship in which she feels nothing for the other person and that she herself is not fulfilled in.

[EmptyInside]

I was in the same situation, like you few days ago. We broke up a week ago, she just said she just doesn't feel anything anymore for me after 2 years. It was shocking for me aswell, and it broke my hearth, knowing how much I loved this girl ( I still do). But if she doesn't feel anything anymore, then there's nothing we can do to talk them back in. I let her go, we still keep in contact as friends but that would be about it. Right now I'm just sharing my time with friends, to forget about her.

[jt1]

Thanks a lot everyone, and you EmptyInside, I know how you feel and I feel bad that you've also been through this. This whole situation coupled with the fact it was my first real, long term relationship makes it hurt a hell of a lot. I mean, I know I'm still young, and "there's plenty of fish in the sea" as they say, but regardless, for now, I don't feel like going fishing.

The ****tiest part of all this, I believe, is it could have all been avoided, if she just would have looked for professional help about her having chemical imbalances, which I'm sure she has just as my older sister did, since she shows similar symptoms. In all wishing, my thought was that she could have handled all this differently and came to talk to me more about her feelings, because from what I've read, depression can mess with every aspect of a person. It's all just thinking, I know, but for now, it's a little hard not to think so.

Somehow I always take the harder road in life. Even though she agreed to try and reassess feelings and give it another chance, I feel that I should try. I'm the type of person that likes to know, even if there's a small chance and I might get hurt, instead of taking the "safe road.'' As stubborn as it sounds, sometime it is better to know than not, as I always say.

However, I understand when you say just leave it and not look back, because I'm sure some went through this, or know someone that went through it and some know how women think better, due to them being women themselves, or from great experience. Every situation is different and there is just so many considerations and variables. Maybe I'm just a stubborn fool in love? I take that back, seems like I am one, huh? Though that may be true, I do still love her, unconditionally as they say. Maybe my stubbornness is my down fall, or can it be my triumph? See what I mean when I say it would just be better to take that chance? Well, for me anyway. However, I'm prepared to accept the feelings that may come with it, be it good or bad, but I'm hoping for the best.

Do not take what I do or say the wrong way. You've all given great advice, no doubt about that. I dislike how some people come on here and get extremely offended from what others advice is, sure some isn't the best advice either, but they tried and read through your post. The "original posters" shouldn't be mad since its that persons point of view, and it's good to have different point of views. It's up to the poster to either take it or not.

So again, Thank you all for your help. If you want to leave further comments, please do so. I'll update as needed.

[SelflessnHumble]

You are immature, childish and selfish. Why ? When you don't get your way? You get angry....Infants and babies do this too.

If you love someone with all your heart: prepare for FAILURE every time!
You don't ever love someone with all you have/are! Why? Because. Instead of making good with who YOU are: you divert all of your focus and attention off of yourself: and put it all on her.

It's obvious to me and everyone else she just used to for the time being...waiting for something better to come along: and it did.

There is a reason: you aren't the one for her.
There's more to this story than what you're telling us...
It sounds like she ended up resenting you because you have in the past begged her to stay.

She knows EXACTLY what she is feeling. She just doesn't want to be blunt about it and hurt you further.
At the time: what you did for her meant something to her.

Now? She could care less.
People prefer New over old.

It's over. The faster you get it through your head the better off you'll be.
And guess what? Sometimes? There is no answer that will make you happy.

[jt1]

SeflessnHumble, I've told all of the story there is to it. I'm not trying to hide anything, I'm not trying to get things my way. I wasn't the one that asked to stay together before, she did, shes the one that asked for forgiveness, but it took me a bit to do so. Selfish you say? Isn't everyone at times? Am I also selfless? Yes. Isn't that what happens in relationships, a balance of both?

The thing is is that I was just trying to grasp everything that had happened. I can't ask or think that someone can make mistakes? I see your point as it appearing that I want things my way, but it's not so. I wasn't looking for an answer that makes me happy, like I said, any outcome I'll accept. Yes, you can say well she broke up with you, there's your outcome. However, since she agreed to giving things a chance, well we'll see. I just want to know if it truly was the best of choice to make in her condition. Is that really wrong? Is me trying to get her to get professional help so wrong? Shes had depression-like episodes since she was 10, wanting to kill her father, cutting herself are examples of that. Her parents never got her help, shes had family issues for as long as she can remember. People have broken up from depression, but after talking things through with their partners and a professional, they figure how to handle the thoughts and feelings that accompany depression. I'm just trying to make her see that it would benefit her to get help, and any future relationships she may have, whether with me or not. Like I said, I'm not selfish, yes I care about her a lot, and I'll retract the statement about with everything I have and say I love her unconditionally, as you can see I wrote that part in a time of stress, and people can make mistakes.

[Xena]

Since I read this long a$$ post I thought I would put my 2 cents in.

After reading your forum twice and your updated comments and putting myself in both yours and your girlfriend shoes.... this is what I think:

She was young when she first started dating you. She didn't really have a chance to experience and interact with other people. You were all that she knew. She must have depended on you and looked up to you more than both of you realized. The moment she starts interacting with other people on a deeper level, she realizes that there's so much to life and other people that she wasn't aware of. Now, from I got from your post, this "pen pal" of hers was the first male interaction that she's had other than you. I can see how that could be appealing to her. She wanted a life outside of you. You can't blame her for that. In fact, I am proud of her for that. It's hard for young females who become dependent on their boyfriend for everything to break out of that cycle. She needs to learn how to be independent.

Now I can also understand how you feel. It seems to me like you feel that you are being left behind and forgotten about. I can understand you getting upset especially because you invested so much your time and energy into the relationship. It's hard to let go of someone you love so much and would do anything for. You had a concern that she may be confused in her feelings. Well, I think you are right. She probably is confused. But she wont be able to figure them out with you.

Bottom line, I think it may be best for the both of you to take some time apart and experience other relationships. It will be hard, I am not going to lie. But it's time. Who knows, maybe in the future she will feel that you were the best thing that has ever happened to her and she can't live without you... or maybe she wont. And you may find that she wasn't "the one". But you will never know unless you let her go.

I hope my advice is helpful.