4yrs together, 3mnths separated, she's already seeing someone, and leaving forever

[robFord]

Warning, this is extremely long.

I'm having a difficult time with my break up. My girlfriend of 4 years moved out in January and is already seeing someone else. The circumstances of our breakup were fairly friendly and mutual, but that doesn't mean this doesn't hurt like hell.

She moved in with me last February, we had been dating on and off for over 3 years. My apartment was 15 minutes away from the restaurant she worked at as a chef so it was only a matter of time before all her stuff ended up at my place.

The problem with our situation was the crazy hours she had to work. I worked a typical 9-5 day and she 11-12. We would hardly see each other, and a lot of the nights, she would go out for drinks with her crew and come home buzzed at 2. This eventually took it's toll on me 'cuz I would either be waiting up for her, or she would wake me up when she got in, either way I was constantly exhausted at my job. The eventually realized that she would rather go out and drink than come home to see me for what little time we had. I felt resentful and over time I wanted more.

She is the first love of my life and we were that cliche couple that everyone said we would end up together married. Our chemistry has always been fantastic and she is easily my best friend.

I asked her to move out in November, but it took her 3 months to find another place and during that time we carried on like we were still together so we never really confronted our feelings about breaking up, cuz there wasn't really a breaking point.

Since she's moved out, we still managed to see each other on her days off, still texting, sharing emalis, still pretending. I was trying to move on and keep my distance because I was hoping to start up with another girl, but that soon fizzled and I was feeling extremely lonely as I'm not good without having someone to focus my attention on.

Anyways, last last week (wednesday) we planned to hang out and she msgs me telling me that she isn't feeling well and she can't come over. Fine I say, I was already feeling upset with her because she sorta blew me off the last time we hung out. Eventually she msgs me again and asks me to bring her soup and make her feel better. I wasn't happy to comply, but I was having a rough week and I was looking forward to seeing her. I start packing up my laptop and plan to drive to a restaurant and order take out. Upon hearing this she starts feeling guilty for me being so nice and blurts out that she's seeing someone... and she's been seeing him for 2 months, while we were still living together.

Ugh.. I pick her up from her place and we talked for a few hours. I asked all the wrong questions looking for the answers I knew I didn't want to hear. She tells me it's not serious, she doesn't know how she feels, but it's nice to be with someone new that isn't me, that doesn't have all this crazy history. He works at the restaurant with her so they see each other every day. In a childish moment of retaliation, I tell her I've been sorta seeing someone else. I had gone out with this girl a few times and we've kissed and stuff but it wasn't really working. I embellished my relationship with her to make my ex jealous. I'm not proud of that.

I absorbed the news as best as I can and send her on her way at the end of the night. After a couple hours I get a text from her saying she's finally booked her flight to London and will be leaving in May. She's been planning on leaving for a while, and finally got her visa, but I didn't expect her do it that very night. I freak out a little more. It felt like I had just completely lost her in a span of a few hours.

Anyways I spend the next 2 days moping, not quite sure how to feel. I don't feel that shitty and decide to go out and surround myself with friends. Saturday night I go out to the bar to meet some people and.. she's the first person I see when I walk in. It's all awkward at first but after a few drinks the tension eases and we're laughing and having fun like before. Eventually the party ends up at my place and she falls right back into gf mode at my apt, going straight to my clothes and finding something comfortable to wear. She stays the night and we end up fooling around all of the next morning. During this she asks me to go for dinner with her and I'm in heaven again. All I ever wanted was for her to look at me the same way as she once did and be like how when we first started out.

The dinner went well, but afterwards when I expect her to come back to my place she tells me that she doesn't think it's right and she doesn't want to hurt this other guy's feelings. I was running on like 2 hours sleep and sorta lose it and tell her that I'm not willing to share her and all this other shit to make her feel guilty. I come home all pissed off and try to sleep but can't and end up staying up all night driving myself crazy thinking about her with this other guy. I even opened her facebook and found pictures of him, and read some msgs that they sent to each other. It was a rough night.

The next day I'm completely delirious and barely make it through a half day at work before I bail and show up at her place hoping to see her. But when I get there she's not there and I realize she's at his place. FML.

I'm typing too much here, so I'm going to fast forward. A few days go by and I convince myself that I'm okay with this all and I'm looking forward to moving on. She msgs me on St Patty's day outta nowhere and ask if I want to hang out at our friends place. I hesitantly agree because I'm not sure if I can handle it. It starts off well, I keep my distance and voice in my head says "I don't think I even want to touch her! I think I can do this!" and I'm keeping it light and jovial. BUT, we end up drinking waaaay too much and before we know it, we're giving each other sneaking looks and flirting. Before I know it I'm waiting for her to be alone and then try to kiss her. She backs off and tells me she can't do it. She doesn't want to hurt this guy's feelings. Why would she want to spend her last 2 months in the country with me when it's all so complicated and painful? Why wouldn't she want to indulge in something new and fresh?

I ****ing lose it. I'm completely wasted mind you, and I'm so mad at myself for doing exactly what I was convinced I was strong enough to avoid. I tell her I can't wait for her to leave, that I hate her for messing around with my emotions, how could she throw away 4 years of us for 2 months with this guy etc etc. We argue the entire walk back to my place. She had to come back to pick up things she needed for work, and since she was so drunk, she ended up sleeping on my couch and refused to leave.

In the morning I have to leave for work, but before I do, I write and angry sex ridden note to the girl I've been sorta seeing, not really TO her, but it's written like it is KNOWING my ex would use my comp and would see it. It was along the lines of I can't wait til my ex leaves so I can finally be with her, blah blah blah.

Of course when my ex gets up she texts me saying she found something she shouldn't have read, and is completely jealous and shocked to find me speaking of another girl this way. I feel triumphant and ashamed. I wanted to hurt her, I wanted her to read it thinking I was having fun with another girl and that I was moving on. I'm pathetic.

So that's where my life stands now. I'm going crazy over my ex, who I still care so much about, and want to spend as much time with her as I can before she goes, but she's with another guy and even though I'm sure I'm not insanely jealous, I'm hurt that what time we have left together is going to be hard, awkward and painful. I know that moving on is the best thing, but I just want her to want me back, to have one final amazing hurrah before she goes so I'll know she still cares about me and what we had was truly special.

The best thing is for me to give us some space. Not try and deal with everything all at once and just take a step back before I damage things further. I know this, but it completely sucks.

Sorry this is so long.

[robFord]

I don't know if anyone actually bothered reading that whole thing. Saw my ex last night, we have the the same group of friends and it's not unusual that we would see each other on from time to time. It was light-ish, we had some fun, danced, the usual unavoidable flirting, not too much talking. It's hard and it's not. I know it's time to move on and the best approach is to not see each other or talk, but with her leaving, I can't just cut her out of my life. I know I will regret it.

I was dancing with other girls at the bar and having a great time, but I don't know how to balance things, she saw me do this and I know that couldn't have been easy for her, but I want to actually go out and have fun, I'm honestly not doing this to make her jealous or anything. But I know that if I saw her dancing with another guy I would totally lose it.

My problem is that she still does small physical things when we're together, like leaning on me, resting her head on my shoulder, reaching out to hold my hand. It doesn't help that we seem to be drunk every time we see each other either so judgement is not always spot on.

On one hand I want to hell her to stop, to just put that shit behind us and respect my space and leave me alone. I don't contact her during the week, I don't talk to her at all, I wait for her to initiate.. and she usually does. But it all comes back to her leaving and us still trying to make the most of the time we have left.

Last night when we were all saying goodbye to each other, my mind was screaming for me to come home alone and not say anything to her about coming over. But my body and heart was aching for her to want to. We parted ways and I'm sure she went to his place. Bah.

[steviej]

Stop torturing yourself. She leaves soon anyways, cut her out now! She's seeing someone else, give her the cold shoulder and try put her out of your mind. Yes, easier said than done! But you know the right thing to do, you just need the strength of conviction to do it.

[MerryH]

Wow, she's being really awful to you. You don't keep egging someone on who you don't want to be with. Stop letting her. Just stay away from her. And definitely stop getting wasted when she's around.

Sticking it out with her for two months is going to be terrible for you. There is no way that it's going to be the amazing time you're hoping for if she's with someone else.

[robFord]

I think I'm doing a lot better than I could have possibly imagined. The initial shock has dissipated and I'm feeling stronger and more optimistic every day. It's now my ex's turn for the hurt as she messaged me late last night saying how upset she was, how she's not happy we still live so close because she wanted to come over and see me.

I'm trying to be the strong one now, I'm not going to mess with her head or throw her pain back in her face saying "well go talk to your new guy, how the hell is this my problem?? Oh wait, he's not me and you can't open up to him like you can with me? TOO ****ING BAD"

No, lol I'm not going to say that. I'm going to be as nice as I can without allowing myself to get dragged back down into the mess I was feeling a week ago.

I think I'm going to proposition her eventually, for one final night of fun and forgetting. Something special to look forward to where we can forget all the bullshit and pain and the fact that the next time we see each other, things will be completely different. To be together one last time where we can be the person the other fell in love with so long ago.

[MerryH]

To be together one last time where we can be the person the other fell in love with so long ago.

This isn't going to happen. Just move on and forget about her.

[robFord]

Actually I think it IS going to happen. She's still in love with me. I saw her last night, she wigged out and was pretty upset with me dating other girls and now she feels like I'm moving on faster than her which is could very well be true. We talked for a few hours, I made her feel better about the situation and calmed her down some. I did my best to keep my distance and be as understanding as I could. I mean, she's the one who 'moved' on first right? I don't feel like I'm being overly in her face about moving on, but I'm not exactly hiding anything either, I've been flirting with other girls when she's around, dancing, etc. I guess I could be more discreet.

She's upset that her thing with her new guy is not as satisfying as she wanted. She thinks that I'm connecting on a deeper level with my girl than her with him and she was like "I thought, just this once, I would win. Every other time we've broken up, you've rebounded faster and I just wanted to win this time". FIST PUMP.

Anyways I held her as we talked, and she cried and it was nice. I can't help but want to protect her from any sort of pain. We talked about the idea of one final date. An escape from reality and just be in a bubble that is us, nothing else. She said she's been thinking about it too. It won't happen for a while, I told her we need time to heal, and forget the grieving and only bring fun into this. I think it's going to happen.

[robFord]

I'm on a down swing of emotion, was talking with my ex yesterday, texting, IM'ing, I got carried away with wanting to plan a trip with her before she left. I know, I know, I'm a sucker! I can't help it. She gave me an inch and I started planning a marathon. I feel like such an idiot for this woman. Found out she's leaving for 2 years. Just up and gone in 1 month and a half for 2 years. What do I do? Do I completely cut her out?

[Anturo]

She thinks that I'm connecting on a deeper level with my girl than her with him and she was like "I thought, just this once, I would win. Every other time we've broken up, you've rebounded faster and I just wanted to win this time". FIST PUMP.

This relationship is nothing but a game at this point.

You want to "WIN"? WTF?

Dude if you truly want to heal yourself and your emotions go stone cold No Contact.

I don’t give a flying **** how hard it is or how much it hurts you.

If you want it to end it is what you must do.

As one of my coaches used to say to me all the time: "If you are not willing to put in the work don’t expect the results you’re looking for"

NO CONTACT = NO CONTACT

[robFord]

How can I not talk to my best friend when she's terrified about moving her entire life? I know I sound like a broken record, but she is freaking out about her life uprooting and starting over. I can't turn my back on her.

[Anturo]

How can I not talk to my best friend when she's terrified about moving her entire life? I know I sound like a broken record, but she is freaking out about her life uprooting and starting over. I can't turn my back on her.

It was her choice. That’s how.

If you want to her to continue to drag you through the mud then so be it. That is your choice.

But you asked how can you fix your insanity. The answer is NO CONTACT.

But again its your choice on which path you decide to follow.

[robFord]

Thanks. I appreciate the tough love.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You should send a text, and tell her that things are getting more serious with the new girl and she should not to contact you until she's back from London if she still wants to hang out then when you two have cooled off. Don't call her and don't tell her in person, you don't want to be able to see/hear her reaction.

[Love&Life]

First of all, your story showed me that men are women aren't that different as it comes to feelings and dealing with someone you love...

But then... I don't agree with Anturo saying "it is HER decision so cut her off" Maybe she is leaving for her career or other personal priorities, and not because she wants to get away from him. A thought that crossed my mind was, before separation couples like to argue, fight, take emotional distance before they seperate, just to make it easier. Was this the reason she hung with that other guy?

Anyway...if I were in your shoes I would take distance from her until she is settled in London. Then both of you have had time and space to think things over. This doesn't necessairily mean NC, but limit it drastically. Mmmm...I wish I had access to my ex's FB...hahaha... ;-)

[robFord]

Thanks for that. I don't feel like people understand how this isn't your average breakup. I don't hate her, we didn't break up because our relationship crumbled. It did fade but it's not like I kicked her out and brushed her dirt from my hands saying good riddance. Living together, our work situation, we just realized we had different priorities and the other person's role shifted within our lives. Straight up saying NC when I won't see her for 2 years is just unreasonable.

But I do appreciate the advice as it's helping me put things in perspective. Since she's leaving, what do I gain by clinging to the past? What will these few extra special moments really mean in the long run of my life? Probably not much. I will help and support her as much can but going overboard with grand gestures to have her fall in love with me again and making it harder for everyone is the worst idea ever. I just need to accept that this chapter of my life is coming to a close and just be grateful that I was able to connect and love someone so deeply.