4yrs together, 3mnths separated, she's already seeing someone, and leaving forever

[ProveMeWrong]

Warning, this is extremely long.

I'm having a difficult time with my break up. My girlfriend of 4 years moved out in January and is already seeing someone else. The circumstances of our breakup were fairly friendly and mutual, but that doesn't mean this doesn't hurt like hell.

She moved in with me last February, we had been dating on and off for over 3 years. My apartment was 15 minutes away from the restaurant she worked at as a chef so it was only a matter of time before all her stuff ended up at my place.

The problem with our situation was the crazy hours she had to work. I worked a typical 9-5 day and she 11-12. We would hardly see each other, and a lot of the nights, she would go out for drinks with her crew and come home buzzed at 2. This eventually took it's toll on me 'cuz I would either be waiting up for her, or she would wake me up when she got in, either way I was constantly exhausted at my job. The eventually realized that she would rather go out and drink than come home to see me for what little time we had. I felt resentful and over time I wanted more.

She is the first love of my life and we were that cliche couple that everyone said we would end up together married. Our chemistry has always been fantastic and she is easily my best friend.

I asked her to move out in November, but it took her 3 months to find another place and during that time we carried on like we were still together so we never really confronted our feelings about breaking up, cuz there wasn't really a breaking point.

Since she's moved out, we still managed to see each other on her days off, still texting, sharing emalis, still pretending. I was trying to move on and keep my distance because I was hoping to start up with another girl, but that soon fizzled and I was feeling extremely lonely as I'm not good without having someone to focus my attention on.

Anyways, last last week (wednesday) we planned to hang out and she msgs me telling me that she isn't feeling well and she can't come over. Fine I say, I was already feeling upset with her because she sorta blew me off the last time we hung out. Eventually she msgs me again and asks me to bring her soup and make her feel better. I wasn't happy to comply, but I was having a rough week and I was looking forward to seeing her. I start packing up my laptop and plan to drive to a restaurant and order take out. Upon hearing this she starts feeling guilty for me being so nice and blurts out that she's seeing someone... and she's been seeing him for 2 months, while we were still living together.

Ugh.. I pick her up from her place and we talked for a few hours. I asked all the wrong questions looking for the answers I knew I didn't want to hear. She tells me it's not serious, she doesn't know how she feels, but it's nice to be with someone new that isn't me, that doesn't have all this crazy history. He works at the restaurant with her so they see each other every day. In a childish moment of retaliation, I tell her I've been sorta seeing someone else. I had gone out with this girl a few times and we've kissed and stuff but it wasn't really working. I embellished my relationship with her to make my ex jealous. I'm not proud of that.

I absorbed the news as best as I can and send her on her way at the end of the night. After a couple hours I get a text from her saying she's finally booked her flight to London and will be leaving in May. She's been planning on leaving for a while, and finally got her visa, but I didn't expect her do it that very night. I freak out a little more. It felt like I had just completely lost her in a span of a few hours.

Anyways I spend the next 2 days moping, not quite sure how to feel. I don't feel that shitty and decide to go out and surround myself with friends. Saturday night I go out to the bar to meet some people and.. she's the first person I see when I walk in. It's all awkward at first but after a few drinks the tension eases and we're laughing and having fun like before. Eventually the party ends up at my place and she falls right back into gf mode at my apt, going straight to my clothes and finding something comfortable to wear. She stays the night and we end up fooling around all of the next morning. During this she asks me to go for dinner with her and I'm in heaven again. All I ever wanted was for her to look at me the same way as she once did and be like how when we first started out.

The dinner went well, but afterwards when I expect her to come back to my place she tells me that she doesn't think it's right and she doesn't want to hurt this other guy's feelings. I was running on like 2 hours sleep and sorta lose it and tell her that I'm not willing to share her and all this other shit to make her feel guilty. I come home all pissed off and try to sleep but can't and end up staying up all night driving myself crazy thinking about her with this other guy. I even opened her facebook and found pictures of him, and read some msgs that they sent to each other. It was a rough night.

The next day I'm completely delirious and barely make it through a half day at work before I bail and show up at her place hoping to see her. But when I get there she's not there and I realize she's at his place. FML.

I'm typing too much here, so I'm going to fast forward. A few days go by and I convince myself that I'm okay with this all and I'm looking forward to moving on. She msgs me on St Patty's day outta nowhere and ask if I want to hang out at our friends place. I hesitantly agree because I'm not sure if I can handle it. It starts off well, I keep my distance and voice in my head says "I don't think I even want to touch her! I think I can do this!" and I'm keeping it light and jovial. BUT, we end up drinking waaaay too much and before we know it, we're giving each other sneaking looks and flirting. Before I know it I'm waiting for her to be alone and then try to kiss her. She backs off and tells me she can't do it. She doesn't want to hurt this guy's feelings. Why would she want to spend her last 2 months in the country with me when it's all so complicated and painful? Why wouldn't she want to indulge in something new and fresh?

I ****ing lose it. I'm completely wasted mind you, and I'm so mad at myself for doing exactly what I was convinced I was strong enough to avoid. I tell her I can't wait for her to leave, that I hate her for messing around with my emotions, how could she throw away 4 years of us for 2 months with this guy etc etc. We argue the entire walk back to my place. She had to come back to pick up things she needed for work, and since she was so drunk, she ended up sleeping on my couch and refused to leave.

In the morning I have to leave for work, but before I do, I write and angry sex ridden note to the girl I've been sorta seeing, not really TO her, but it's written like it is KNOWING my ex would use my comp and would see it. It was along the lines of I can't wait til my ex leaves so I can finally be with her, blah blah blah.

Of course when my ex gets up she texts me saying she found something she shouldn't have read, and is completely jealous and shocked to find me speaking of another girl this way. I feel triumphant and ashamed. I wanted to hurt her, I wanted her to read it thinking I was having fun with another girl and that I was moving on. I'm pathetic.

So that's where my life stands now. I'm going crazy over my ex, who I still care so much about, and want to spend as much time with her as I can before she goes, but she's with another guy and even though I'm sure I'm not insanely jealous, I'm hurt that what time we have left together is going to be hard, awkward and painful. I know that moving on is the best thing, but I just want her to want me back, to have one final amazing hurrah before she goes so I'll know she still cares about me and what we had was truly special.

The best thing is for me to give us some space. Not try and deal with everything all at once and just take a step back before I damage things further. I know this, but it completely sucks.

Sorry this is so long.

Be happy you dropped the dead weight, she probably only stayed with you until she found someone else to leech off of.

[robFord]

You're right, through out the relationship I always knew that I was settling. I loved taking care of her, she needed me, but I didn't really need her. She didn't push me to be better, I was comfortable and content. My confidence and self esteem was low so it was nice to be needed.

[robFord]

I told her last night that I didn't think I could hang out with her anymore. It's simply too hard to be around her and not feel the things I'm feeling. I thought I could handle it, I thought I was feeling better, but I guess it comes in waves and cycles, I'm definitely in a down wave right now. I don't know if this was the right decision, I know I won't be able to keep this up, there's simply no way I won't talk to her or see her before she leaves. Why can't I just play it cool and casual? Why can't I pretend like I've moved on enough that spending time with her doesn't rip me apart?

I'm scared shitless now because that I've told her we can't hang out, she's going to try and respect my space. But every passing day that I don't see her or talk to her is another day that I will NEVER get back. When she leaves, no matter how much better I'm feeling, I'm going to be thrown back into a pit of shit because I'll regret every moment I passed up spending with her because I'm stubborn? Scared? Angry? Hurt? I don't even know at this point. I know I'm hurting because of how things turned out. She was my everything, and now I feel like I've lost her without a fight.

No contact is going to drive me insane.

[robFord]

I don't know if anyone is even reading these, but I'm going to continue writing anyways because I need a place to vent.

My dreams all this morning were about my ex sleeping with all my friends and me finding out one by one. It felt incredibly real and I would wake up startled and depressed only to fall back into another dream where I would discover she was sleeping with another one of my friends. What the **** is that?

[steviej]

If my experience is anything to go by that's normal! Paranoia kicks in that your worst fears are happening.
You need to soldier on through this, it WILL get better! You know the best thing to do, it's just hard to do it. Keep posting on here, people are reading and it'll help you to get your feelings off your chest.

[robFord]

I'm beyond help. In fact we both are. After agreeing not to see each other yesterday she came by... yeah wtf? She got locked out of her apt and had nowhere to go and asked if she could come over. I hesitantly agreed. We ended up talking for hours, remembering the good, hashing out the bad, admitting the wrongs we did to each other. It was therapeutic and easy; always so satisfyingly narcissistic to put every little detail of the relationship under a microscope.

Anyways, we ended up fooling around. Whoops.

I have no idea what's going to happen now. Ball's in her court, dunno how she's going to react to this after she's had some time to think about it. You people must be shaking your heads in disgust.

[robFord]

Update:

So I've seen my ex fairly regularly over the last week and it's been up and down. It's extremely hot and cold and although I'm not losing my mind like I was a month ago I'm having difficulty trying to figure out what the hell I should be doing.
Here's the breakdown:

Monday: had an extremely emotional talk about everything, cried and ended up fooling around (no sex) and it was great. She left smiling and kissed me on the lips as she left my apartment.
Wednesday: did some shopping, went for dinner, watched our favourite show. Minimal touching on the couch, I wanted more but didn't make a move. I was furious when she left because I thought it was going to be the same as Monday and I wouldn't have to feel like an idiot for wanting to fool around again.
Friday: Friend's house party, didn't see each other much during but outta nowhere she kissed me near the end of the night. Walked home together and I wasn't expecting anything which surprised her "I thought I was coming up." she had to work early the next morning and said I could crash at her place if I wanted. I declined but we kissed on the street.
Monday: Her dad's bday and they invited me to join them as they still like me and it was weird when I just up and disappeared. The night went well and it was fun. She came back to my place afterwards to finish off the season of our show. Nothing happened. Neither one of us made a move and I was disappointed.

I don't know what I should be doing. I get it, most of you are going to say she's having her cake and eating it too, yes I fully understand that. She's using me because she feels comfortable and it's easy. I've been sort've seeing a girl too so I feel like if we can compartmentalize each other when we see each other, where is the harm? She's leaving in a few weeks and I do want to spend time with her. I'm just scared every time I see her because I'm afraid she'll reject me and I'll feel like an idiot. I think about her all the time, I think about her and the new guy she's been seeing. She's not happy that I'm seeing someone; we're just hurting each other but we're not willing to break it off cleanly, using her leaving as an excuse.

I'm thinking about texting her tonight. I want to play it casual and invite her over after her shift. She has tomorrow off and I thought it would be fun to spend time together tonight and tomorrow. I'm scared that she's already planning on spending the night at the other guy's house. I have no idea what their situation is and I don't want to know. **** as I write this I realize how messed up this all is.

It's so easy to give advice anonymously on these forums, but when push comes to shove if your ex was still so entangled in your life, would you have the strength to be the better person? I love this woman, she loves me, the situation just didn't work out. Breaking up was the right thing to do, but the feelings are all still there. She really needs to leave already.