Long Stable Relationship - Is it Saveable?

[Johnsmon]

So ive been in a stable relationship for 5+ years now. We never fight, although we have discussions when we disagree from time to time. We get along well in most areas of life as well.

However, there has always been a gap between us when it comes to sexual things. Im a huge fan of intimacy while she gets along fine without it pretty much. No sex yet.

This sexual gap is starting to be a bigger issue for me. Not too long ago while away on a trip I met a girl that was much more in tune with me in the sexual aspect of things and slipped several times during that trip...I felt terrible and it kind of made me realize that i really did love my girlfriend greatly, but I never told her because she doesnt deserve to be hurt like that and it could ruin our stable relationship which as I said is pretty good in all areas other than sexual stuff. I figured I would take it as a lesson learned, feel bad, and move on.

Its worked pretty well and our relationship has remained great ever since. However, I had too much to drink the other night and ended up on skype with the girl I had slipped up with months earlier. While this time it wasnt quite as physical of a slip up, things took place that shouldnt have...so now I feel bad again.

Im starting to realize that without solving the issue with my girlfriend that this kind of stuff has a very real possibility of happening again. We talk about it and all, and she says she feels bad for not wanting to do more or to do stuff more often, but it never really changes. It may for a day or two but then it falls back to how it was pretty much. I think its just how she is and we cant change each other.

Another thing Ive noticed lately is she doesnt seem to make much of an effort anymore to "win me over" so to speak. When we first started dating, she made more efforts, but now that weve been together for so long it sort of feels like she doesnt try anymore. Maybe shes grown too comfortable in the relationship since its been very stable. Now unless its somethnig she wants to do, we dont do it. This ranges from little things up to bigger things such as sex ( ive been ready for quite some time but she isnt..so we havent had it yet).

So im at a dilemma...I bought an engagement ring recently and was very ready to propose. I do love her, and our relationship is nice for the most part. But at the same time I fear these issues will always be around or get worse, in which case proposing may not be the right thing to do. I dont knnow if things will get better sexually when we live together and are married. If so, then that may close the remainings gaps in our relationship. If not, however, then I fear I will be in an unhappy marriage 5 or 10 years from now and will be back posting to get advice on should I divorce or how to handle the fact Ive gone and had an affair or something....

The alternative would be to break up now I suppose before getting into that. But then I fear that may be a mistake. What if I end this relationship and cannot find one thats as good? Its kind of a big deal to break it off after so long, and its not that bad. The same issue of not trying as hard after being together for years would probably come up with many people and not be unique to this relationship, so that probably isnt a good reason to end this one...Sexually i could find a better match, but then all other areas of the relationship might not be as good. Not to mention im afraid of having to start all over again...Im still pretty young and this is the only real relationship ive really had.

So, any advice? Go forward with proposal since most things are ok and hope that marriage and living together will help fix the sexual gap? Call it off now because the sexual gap is causing some pretty big issues even though everything else appears ok?

I just dont know. I constantly go back and forth between being head over heels for this girl and planning the proposal and getting excited about spending the rest of my life with her, but at the same time there are some serious issues in the background and so I queston it.

I think some people will say we need to discuss these issues first, but depending on the level of detail involvd tat may mean telling her that I cheated on her, which she wouldnt handle well...especially since it wasnt just a one night thing that made me feel bad...it was a several night thing that made me feel bad while on the trip, and the more recent skype encounter..all the same girl, but obviously the first time didnt make me feel so bad that it never happened again...I kind of feel like living together and being marriaged MAY help it to never happen again so I will just live with what ive done but save her ( and relationship ) the pain...but if the root cause of the issue never gets solved then it may creep up again years into the marriage...

[tmj99]

Hi. I feel for you I really do. As you noted in my thread, you can see what happens eventually. I am a very loyal guy and value stability immensely, so much so I've put up with the incompatibility for 15 years. But it is eating away at my soul. Ultimately, it is very very hard to deny who you are. It's also unreasonable to expect her to be someone different - boy have I learned this the hard way.

To me, and this is just from what you have written, I think eventually you will struggle to cope. My advice would be to be honest with your girl, tell her what you love about her and how you feel. But also tell her that intimacy is important to you. You both have a right to have the sex lives you both want. You need to know if compatibilty can be found before you make the marriage commitment. Because if it can't - well, lime you said, you've seen a likely future in my thread. Ask yourself which is harder, making a had decision now when you are young, or later, when there are kids, financial commitments etc.

I'm not saying it can't work but you should both go in with your eyes open. If it helps, maybe even show her my thread and say I don't want this to happen to us.

Good luck!

[Johnsmon]

My advice would be to be honest with your girl, tell her what you love about her and how you feel. But also tell her that intimacy is important to you. You both have a right to have the sex lives you both want. You need to know if compatibilty can be found before you make the marriage commitment.

We have talked about it. She knows its very important to me, she just cant change I guess. I dont think ahe is as against it as your wife from your thread, but she could be in 10 years...like I said, me and her are both young she should be at the top of her sexual desires right now! If this is the top, thats not good.

But I do feel like it could improve if we were married and lived together...there would surely be more opportunity, and while we wouldnt take advantage of as many as id like, itd probably be a big improvement over it now where there is really only opportunity once a week or so ( aka if we dont take advantage of it i get in a pretty sour mood ). But thats not something I will know until married, since we wont live together before that.

[Mongoose]

If you've been going out for 5 years and nothing has happened yet, I'm struggling to see how getting married will help the situation, unless she has strong religious views and is waiting for that. I'd agree with tmj. One thing I'd say is don't settle out of fear you won't find something better. You should happy with all aspects of a relationship before thinking about marriage.

[tmj99]

Mongoose - I know what you mean about don't settle for fear of not finding better. Looking back now I wonder if there was an element of that in my decision to get married. But it's easier said than done when you're lonely. Some of us, for various reasons, don't find people easily.

I think it's easier to say to yourself that I can overlook the intimacy issue when every other aspect is going well. The problem comes later when the shiny new married feeling wears off and you settle into married routine. All I can say is if it's been an issue for you now, having thoughts of another before you are married, then it's highly likely it will happen again during the marriage. I am the last person I thought would have an "affair" if it can be called that, but after years of frustration eventually I couldn't block my inner desires any longer.

It sounds like you'd really like us to say it will all be ok. I wish I could say that, but all I can do is relate my experience. If you really, really love this girl then you may have to try. But if you're anything like me you won't be able to flick a switch and shut off your drive forever.

[bubabalo]

Make you are not making much of an effort to "win her over" too. Sex is something where it depends from two. Maybe you should try something to make her more comfortable.

[hello1]

Oh just dump her. Do not marry her. Do you want to be in a sexless relationship? do you really want to be a cheat? that guy, that guy whos an love rat? your be the bad guy here not her and she find out about ur affairs and she run away and find some other guy

[pisces25]

I would strongly urge against getting married to this girl with these unresolved issues. I have just come out a relationship where we were extrememly sexually incompatible. I was always wanting it and always wanting to experiment, he was happy with 2 times a week missionary. I knew it was like this from the beginning but decided to persist as all other aspects of the relationship were fine and we thought we loved each other enough for it to not be a problem. But I started to obsess over it and really questioned if I could be with someone long-term that had such a difference of libido. The relationship has ended now and I can honestly say as hard as it is/has been I felt an enormous sense of relief when it ended.

You have failed to mention the reasons behind your GF's lack of interst in sex. Is it a religious thing? Has she had an abusive past? Does she have low self-esteem?

There is obviously a connection lacking and I would suggest if you are serious about continuing this relationship you attend some couple's counselling to iron out the problems.It will be a chance for you to air your concerns (and maybe tell her about your misdemeanour) and a chance for her to tell you how she feels about the situation. There may be something deeper about why she is struggling to make an intimate connection with you.

I am pretty certain marriage will not fix it. It is a great mistake going into a marriage having such a big issue hanging over your head.

I wish you the best.

[gigigi4]

i'm confused too...i also feel like i need more info regarding her reasons for abstaining from sex in order to be able to begin to offer advice about this. has she given you a reason besides that she feels she does not want to? is she opposed to pre-marital sex? has a traumatic past? is she a virgin or did she make a conscious decision to be celibate after having being sexually active in the past? you say you two are not sexually compatible, but actually you don't even know that because you've never had sex...she must know that the vast majority of people in long-term relationships, let alone 5 years, have sex, and i honestly don't understand how the situation could reach this point...if it's not a religious thing (and i'm guessing it's not because you don't seem opposed to pre-marital sex and she apologized for not being more interested), i think she might need counseling or something to get to the root of the issue...sex drives vary, but no sex drive at all isn't normal.

[VincenzoG91]

If the two of you can't resolve an important issue like this now, the communication problems will only get worse after you are married. You need to make her understand that lack of intimacy is a dealbreaker, and if she can't at least compromise on this, you don't have a future together. You shouldn't have cheated, you should have dealt with this serious problem in your relationship first. Deal with it now, and then fix it or move on.

[tmj99]

sex drives vary, but no sex drive at all isn't normal.

I have to disagree here. It's rare, but it happens. My wife would be quite happy to never have sex and doesn't miss it at all. There is no deep psychological reason, believe me I've tried to discover. She just simply has no desire. So there are people in the world who are happy without, and get very upset when they are classed as an abnormal person!

[HeartIsAching]

I have to disagree here. It's rare, but it happens. My wife would be quite happy to never have sex and doesn't miss it at all. There is no deep psychological reason, believe me I've tried to discover. She just simply has no desire. So there are people in the world who are happy without, and get very upset when they are classed as an abnormal person!

Not to hijack the thread, but whether or not she gets upset is irrelevant. It is abnormal.

[MerryH]

You have failed to mention the reasons behind your GF's lack of interst in sex. Is it a religious thing? Has she had an abusive past? Does she have low self-esteem?

Yes, why have you avoided explaining her reasons? You never said she was against having sex before marriage, so I'm assuming that's not it. Whatever the issue is, it's not going to disappear once you get married.

I can't imagine why you've let this no-sex thing fester for five years. Don't get married.

[reeba]

You never said your age, and why she doesn't want to have sex.

So did you buy this engagement ring AFTER you 'slipped up'? Is this a way to ease your guilt? Or your last ditch effort to try to save something that is falling apart? I think you need to reexamine your reasoning for wanting to get engaged now.....after you cheated on her.

People don't usually cheat in a 'stable' relationship. So the title of your thread is wrong. I think you are very unhappy, and I have no idea on why you think getting engaged is going to change the reason why you are very unhappy.

If you are 'slipping up' now, what makes you think you won't do this again after another years of a marriage to a woman who might continue (like I said you never said why) to not want sex.

[Johnsmon]

Im in my twenties. Not sure about why she doesnt want to. Fear perhaps, plus lack of motivation. She just doesnt have that same desire that many people seem to have ( including myself ) regarding sexual activity. Combined with the fact shes never had it and weve been together for so many years, perhaps its kind of like 'why change?'. When first dating someone, you sort of progress and add on more physical activity, but weve just been at our current level for years. The driving force of change is gone. So its probably a little of all of these for her.

I did get the ring after screwing up, about 6 months after. Immediately after i slipped i actually felt really bad and it kind of made me feel more sure my gf was the right one. I didnt feel like i needed to save something that was falling apart. I only really started wondering if she was the right one quite recently, after purchasing a ring.

And idk... I still kind of think the stable title is accurate. While we never agreed on the same level of intimacy it was still quite stable and i never imagined i would cheat on her. It is still kind of shocking. I just put myself in a position i couldnt handle with a girl that was attracted to me at a time there wasnt much going on with the gf...combined it was too much.