Will I second guess myself forever?

[Roger D]

I have a dilemna and I wanted to know if everyone else feels this way during their lives.

A little background... I am 29 years old and I have been dating my girlfriend for the past 7 years. We get along great, and I couldn't ask for a better partner. In fact she is exactly what I've always wanted so I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I am saving up for the ring and wedding. The only appreshensions I have are with myself, being that I want to make sure I'm capable of being a good husband and that any doubts I have are just normal feelings that everyone has.

Before I met my girlfriend I only had a few serious relationships and they seemed to take up my time, meaning I never really did the single and dating around type of thing. Some of those relationships ended up with pretty bad heartache, to the point where even when I was single after a breakup I wouldn't date at all. I've always been good looking and had a lot of things going for me, so I've always had plenty of offers, but I usually chose to be somewhat subdued. However, it was nice to be by myself a lot and out of a relationship, but it always seemed I was either in a full fledged relationship or completely alone (bypassing the whole inbetween stuff of dating around, having fun with friends, and doing the whole sleeping around thing).

I seem to have a "wandering eye", or this draw that makes me wonder if I didn't get enough experience in dating during my life. I am always checking out other girls (which I think is what any guy does), but I also wondering what it would be like to try to pursue that person. It's not that I think the grass is greener either, as I am happy with my girlfriend (most of these girls don't compare to my girlfriend, even in looks). And I don't think it is a issue about me wanting to know if I could get that girl, because I'm usually on the receiving end of the flirting by these girls.

Instead I think it is more of a curiousity of what these girls are like, what it would be like to date them, etc. Or maybe it's just the whole "newly dating" type activities or getting to know each other thing that seems to pull me in, as I've always enjoyed courting someone. Take old flings or the few girls I hooked up with a few times but never really started to date for example, when I think of them I don't have any feelings of long lost love, but I always wonder what it would be like to revisit that situation.

Then there is the whole thing that has nothing to do with other people. I always wonder what it would be like just to be single again. Being my age, and making the good money I make, seems like it would be an experience that I never have had before. I have a lot of friends that I would be able to hang around with and have fun, but it usually isn't something I do now that I am with my girlfriend because they are guy friends who are mostly single and the whole "hanging out" thing single goes do is normally searching for hookups.

I know I wouldn't ever act on that feeling, as I've had plenty of invitations while we've been dating and I wouldn't dare violate our relationship like that. It's just that it always seems to be there in the back of my mind, making me question if it'll always be thinking that way.

Does everyone else always think about this stuff, married or unmarried? Do you always think about what you might have missed out on or maybe if you'd be more equiped to be a better husband/wife for your mate if you had spent more time dating/experiencing things? Do you always go around wondering what it would be like to be with other people, even though the person you are with is more than you ever wanted?

[JadenMia]

This is a good question!
I dont know what its like for everybody... but i am the same way.
When i am in a relationship, i am always still wondering about other men. Fantasies or not other certain men are always in the back of my mind. Not so much exes.. Most of mine have been a**holes. But men i meet, talk to or even just see.. Im always wondering. What it would be like with someone else, if it would be better, if they would maybe treat me better. Would i be happier or get better while i was actually single and available etc..

Sometimes i wonder.. If you are with the 'right person'.. Would you know it? Would the imaginary situations with other men stop? Hmm
Im guna stick around for more answers

[xxazurexx]

Yeah, I guess and when I was with my ex hubby I would wonder what else was out there besides him and could I have done better, etc, etc. But then I'd think to myself that I was also pretty lucky (or so I thought), in that I'd met my hubby because he had everything a woman tends to look for. He offered stability, we were financially secure, he loved me, cared for me and basically spoiled me, I didn't want for nothing...

Despite the wondering, I'd have never acted on it either....I was happy and where I was and I wouldn't have been so dumb as to ruin it.

As for random guys, nah, I don't wonder what life would be like with them. Maybe a guy I'm interested in, not just 'any' man...

[mjfcap]

hahaha....dont worry yourself so much....seems to me , the hard part for you is over....you have accepted that your GF is better than the rest, its the hardest part to get yourself to believe. You have to now make the commitment(in you mind) to her, I can tell you want to. Every guy has these thoughts, but tinking them and acting on them are two way different things....I dont think you will act, but the more you worry about it, the more of a problem it will be...so just stop, and enjoy her...good luck bro

[pisces25]

IMO we are always going to want what we don't have. Even when we don't want to think like that we will. It's human nature. I am your age and personally I would take a loving, secure relationship over sleeping around any day. BUT I have done that so I know what I am not missing.
I suppose you just have to weigh up your situation. It depends what you want out of life. Do you want a family/children? Does that not phase you? What will marriage mean to you? What direction do you want your life to take? f you do feel strongly about wanting to be single and breaking things of to do the whole dating thing think about where you want to be a few years down the track. The dating thing is fine for a while but it might be only a matter of time that you miss the feeling of a close relationship and who knows how long it may take to find that with someone again.
It may look fun that your mates are all off doing the random hookup thing but how many of them are probably secretly hoping they find the right girl and have a relationship like the one you do?
If it is the original feeling you get from meeting someone new that you are after maybe think of ways you and your partner can put a little bit of that back into your relationship. You may see some of those thoughts subside a little if you can get excited over her again.
Personally I don't think having dating 'experience' equips someone for being a better spouse unless your feelings are strong you could act on them. But it doesn't sound like you are going to. If there is any doubt though I would recommend not marrying until those doubts are cleared up.
You're a male it is only natural you are going to want to be with other women, after all it is biological. Don't beat yourself up too much.

[pisces25]

IMO we are always going to want what we don't have. Even when we don't want to think like that we will. It's human nature. I am your age and personally I would take a loving, secure relationship over sleeping around any day. BUT I have done that so I know what I am not missing.
I suppose you just have to weigh up your situation. It depends what you want out of life. Do you want a family/children? Does that not phase you? What will marriage mean to you? What direction do you want your life to take? f you do feel strongly about wanting to be single and breaking things of to do the whole dating thing think about where you want to be a few years down the track. The dating thing is fine for a while but it might be only a matter of time that you miss the feeling of a close relationship and who knows how long it may take to find that with someone again.
It may look fun that your mates are all off doing the random hookup thing but how many of them are probably secretly hoping they find the right girl and have a relationship like the one you do?
If it is the original feeling you get from meeting someone new that you are after maybe think of ways you and your partner can put a little bit of that back into your relationship. You may see some of those thoughts subside a little if you can get excited over her again.
Personally I don't think having dating 'experience' equips someone for being a better spouse unless your feelings are strong you could act on them. But it doesn't sound like you are going to. If there is any doubt though I would recommend not marrying until those doubts are cleared up.
You're a male it is only natural you are going to want to be with other women, after all it is biological. Don't beat yourself up too much.

[Bonfire]

Fortunately for me and I am being truly honest, I don't have that problem: the wandering eye. When I am in love, I get tunnel vision. I don't care to look at any girls around me except the 'one' standing in front of me. In my eyes, she's the most beautiful.

[VincenzoG91]

The first few dates are similar to the process of interviewing for a job. Somebody is evaluating whether or not you are qualified for the job, and you are evaluating if you want the job. Ultimately, the goal is to find a good match, not to endlessly search for the perfect job or the perfect job candidate. Following that analogy, you have already landed the perfect job, and you're wondering if it would be fun to do a bunch of job interviews and work somewhere else.

I've dated a lot of women over the years. Lots of first dates, not as many second dates, and very few long-term relationships. Simply put, I wasn't especially compatible with most of the women I dated, so the dates weren't that great and I spent a lot of time and money in the process. I've also had lengthy stretches where I didn't date at all. You might think that all that freedom and flexibility sounds great, but I would trade it all in a heartbeat for a stable and happy relationship.

[Roger D]

So I should just chalk it all up to a kind of nagging thing that everyone thinks about every once in a while, even when they've been married? It seems to be pretty constantly on my mind, but it doesn't seem to cause any issues with anything other than being a nag?

[xxazurexx]

^^It's something I would wonder, but it wasn't constantly there or a constant nag. The thoughts would usually disappear and as soon as they would surface.

If it had been constantly on my mind, I'd have been thinking I was with the wrong guy...or there is something missing.

[pisces25]

I agree with azure if it is a constant nag that could mean something deeper. Maybe you aren't as content as you think but convince yourself you are. Maybe your feelings aren't as strong now for your GF as they once were and this is a sign of that. I know when I was with my ex I started getting the same feelings towards the end and started really craving my freedom again. The relationship had just run its course. You were hooked up at 22 years old, maybe what you wanted then isn't what you want now. We can change quite a lot over 7 years.
All I can advise if this is a constant thought on your mind maybe dig a little deeper and try to find out why. After all, if something doesn't feel right it usually isn't.

[VincenzoG91]

There could be an element of negative self-talk. It's the mental equivalent of picking at a scab instead of letting it just heal. You repeat the same negative thoughts and even catchphrases to yourself until you have pushed yourself in a direction that you might not otherwise have chosen.

[Johnsmon]

Im in the same boat but performed less than satisfactory trying to resist recently...am in a relationship just as long as yours and never imagined i would act on anything but a chance actually came up not too long ago and i failed to resist, so it can happen...been feeling guilty since. Just be careful about what positions you put yourself in. Dont put yourself in a flirtatious girls room while hanging out because that is when it starts to get difficult. Out in public its much easier.

Just a little advice.

[Regnent]

Personally, I find the second guessing is getting worse over the years.
My mind wanders one hell of alot more than it used to, and I've come to enjoy the 'wandering eye'.

Though, face it, it doesn't matter what you do, you're going to second guess yourself.

[Roger D]

It just feels like this should be resolved before I move forward. It doesn't keep me from being able to fully commit or anything, but I'd hate to think I'll spend the rest of my life thinking about this.