Lost.

[Sonrisa]

But what if she has? I fear that she has. Is this just a winding spiral down now? I guess I have to confront her about this. I've got to let her know that I know about what she has been doing since I've "been fixing things". I know it wasnt right for me but now neither of us can trust one another. All a relationship is, is trust. Yet neither of us now have it for one another. I want it to be fixed but I dont know if it can. I mean what do we start from square one again? Is that possible?

I am afraid if you confront her then you've facing issues of privacy and she will only get more upset at you.

[Anturo]

I don’t think that I'm angry. I'm dissappointed.

My pops said that to me once.

I really wish he were angry at me at the time. Disappointed just seems way worse.

I think you are in a world of hurt bro and all you can do is try and get out with civility intact for the kids.

You can probably stick a fork in this one.

[Sonrisa]

I dont think that I'm angry. I'm dissappointed. I've done what I needed to do to hold up my end and then she didnt hold up hers. I know thats no different than how she must have felt when I didnt hold up my end first. Yet now I dont know how I can ask her to do things for me to make me trust her when I've not fully repaired her trust in me.

at this point it's not about her not trusting you, it's about her wanting to feel romanced by another man. no matter what you do she is no longing for him.

[Sonrisa]

My pops said that to me once.

I really wish he were angry at me at the time. Disappointed just seems way worse.

I think you are in a world of hurt bro and all you can do is try and get out with civility intact for the kids.

You can probably stick a fork in this one.

is that compassion i read?

[Anturo]

I am afraid if you confront her then you've facing issues of privacy and she will only get more upset at you.

Dude privacy issues?

6 years married.

Not like he hacked her account she left it there open for him.

[Sonrisa]

Dude privacy issues?

6 years married.

Not like he hacked her account she left it there open for him.

dude, would you want someone to read your private stuff?

[Anturo]

is that compassion i read?

Shhhh Dont tell anyone.

I've got a soft heart for the kids.

[Anturo]

dude, would you want someone to read your private stuff?

If I had any private stuff sure.

My wife and I share email accounts and stuff.

I know all her passwords she knows all mine.

I dont check up on her because I dont have to.

[Sonrisa]

[url=http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/03/22/sex-and-the-long-term-relationship/?smid=fb-nytimes&WT.mc_id=HL-SM-E-FB-SM-LIN-SLR-032211-NYT-NA&WT.mc_ev=click]Sex and the Long-Term Relationship - NYTimes.com[/url]

[Anturo]

[url=http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/03/22/sex-and-the-long-term-relationship/?smid=fb-nytimes&WT.mc_id=HL-SM-E-FB-SM-LIN-SLR-032211-NYT-NA&WT.mc_ev=click]Sex and the Long-Term Relationship - NYTimes.com[/url]

Good article.

Might be too little too late for this one though?

[Sonrisa]

i don't think it's ever too late. she wants excitement, emotions than he needs to give it to her.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You should start by suggesting to your wife that you two start having an open marriage, free to sleep with whomever you want. Then tell her what you found, and say something along the lines of, "You're not attracted to me anymore and you're not going to forgive me, but we have the kids to think about, so if you don't want to work through this we should just free ourselves to sleep with whomever we want, just always use protection and not do it in this house?" Don't raise your voice, but speak very matter-of-factly like you've thought through every angle of it already and it will actually work. Her reaction will be very telling.

[IncognitoSir]

there's no revenge until she does something.

Yeah.....that's not true.

Hell, she might of even left her fb open on PURPOSE in hopes that you'd look thru it. People play twisted games like that all the time. That would be revenge...

[SelflessnHumble]

So here is the deal. I’ve been married for almost 6 years. I’ve not been perfect, but have owned up to my mistakes and done everything to correct them.

Backstory: July of last year I was at a party with some friends. I was there with my wife and kids, (I’ve been in a very non-sexual relationship since my last one was born 3 years prior) basically we were having a 4th party and having a good time. About 10pm came and my wife came over told me she was leaving to put the kids to bed. I said ok, let me grab my phone, she said no its ok hang out as long as you want, (we had just gotten another keg, and yes I know I should have left). I didn’t, and as soon as she was gone this other chick came over sat down next to me flirting with me. Mind you I’ve been very attention deprived in my relationship. One thing lead to another and I ended up making out with this chick.

I confessed to my wife what I had done. She was understandably hurt by it, but I promised her that I would do anything to make it right. I’ve since done everything she has asked. I don’t drink anymore I’ve not pressured her in any way. I’ve totally changed not only for her but for the good of myself and my family. I’ve worked my ass off and things are better for it.

Now comes to my issue. I feel all of my work has been for not. I don’t go snooping around but there was something just not right with her. I thought maybe I was getting too comfortable again and she was having a trust relapse on me. I don’t know what it was but something was off. I chalked it up to me not working hard enough and was going to try harder. Yet when I got home yesterday her facebook was still signed on. But instead of just logging in off I let my gut and curiosity get the best of me. I clicked on the messages part. Yes she had met this dude about a month ago and was going back and forth about seeing each other. She’s telling him that what he was telling her was the sweetest thing she has ever heard, and that she can’t wait to see him again. Also that it hurts her not to be able to talk with him.

This shit is burning my ass. I’ve jumped through all of her hoops to win her back after I mess up just for her to dismiss them on another guy. I don’t know what to think right now. Just needed to vent it somewhere I guess. Maybe I’ll rub some salt on my wound and suck it up.

Owning up to your mistakes isn't enough sometimes.
You think just because *YOU* realized where you went wrong she is supposed to accept it, smile and move on? Well if she had truly loved you the answer would be yes. She's not a very forgiving/loving person.

So you decided to breach her trust yet again going through her private business...
And after digging: you found dirt: big shock right?

Nope. So what to do?

It's called communication for a reason.
If she throws it back in your face about the time you made out with the chick:
she has an issue with dropping the past and likes to let shit linger (as most women do)

Since you're married and have children: your children are a priority as is
your relationship. Both of you fudged it up. The both of you have to fix it.


Do you know how to address how you feel so that she can understand?

[girl68]

I dont want it to be a game of revenge. I want it to stop. Hell I never wanted it to start in the first place. I know I need to get counseling and I will figure out how to get and pay for it. But is it even possible to over come?

I believe for some yes. But I don't think you can without outside help. FYI you can see if either of your benefits have an option for counselling (most have SOME coverage). Or alternatievly seek out a grad student who is doing practicum, their rates are generally much less by about half the price, I found. They are also professionally monitored as well so they can't just be any old somebody.