Can somebody please tell me what is going on?

[JStumpel]

What is really going on?
Back in 2008-2009, I started dating this girl (call her Girl A), whom I fell very much in love with & we dated for a little more than a year. She eventually broke up with me due to being a little more younger than I was. I was 24, she was 19. She was in college, I was out in the working world. She wanted to experience college. Can't say that I blame her, but it still hurt to lose her. In early 2010, I met another girl (call her Girl B), and we started hanging out. I still wasn't over my ex, and girl B had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship herself. We hung out, and started to get close and eventually dated towards the end of the summer of 2010, however, I think in the beginning of our hanging out we were just using one another as a means to get over our prior relationships. When we did date, our relationship was one sided. I found myself not giving all of myself to her, not doing nearly as much for her as I had done for Girl A, and Girl B gave a lot to me. I wasn't over Girl A and I tried to end it numerous times with Girl B, but she would get so upset and I would always tell myself, "This is a better girl for you, she's closer to your age, just give things time." Girl A was always on my mind though. I tried to avoid contact with her, and whenever I did have contact, I would get all my feelings back and wished we could be together. She never tried to break my relationship with Girl B, because she didn't want to be in a relationship. I remember one time I told her I would break up with Girl B, and she said no, I don't want to be in a relationship.

Eventually, in early January, Girl A came back into the picture, after having been gone for a little more than a year. She told me that she realized after breaking up, going through college, living life a little bit (yes, I know that implies having sex some guys, getting drunk, smoking pot, etc, I went through it too) that she was ready to settle down with me, that she had made a mistake in leaving me and realized that everything wasn't all it was cracked up to be when she was off doing her thing. To make a long story short, I did battle with my decision a little bit, I didn't want to hurt Girl B, but I knew I was always in love with Girl A. I broke things with Girl B and got back together with Girl A. Things with Girl A are really going well, and our relationship is so much stronger than it was before. She has grown, matured, is a better girlfriend than she was the previous time around. However, my question does not concern her...It actually concerns Girl B. About 6 weeks after we split, I found out that Girl B was dating someone, and I became either sad or jealous. I can't figure out whether I am really sad and kind of miss her, or if I am jealous simply because she has moved on and this is a case of, "I really don't want to be with you, but I want nobody else to have you, either." I really am happy with Girl A, as I said, but I just need to decipher what is going on in my head in regards to Girl B. I feel that if I did go back with Girl B, I would regret it in 2 weeks. If anyone can offer some insight, I'd appreciate it. Thank you in advance.


In addition, Girl B and myself have made amends, and have decided to be friends. I said I was sorry for everything and she said that she wants us to be friends because she wants me in her life in some capacity. She said she is happy where she is at in her relationship, though she does miss me at times, and wishes her current relationship, the qualities this guy has, the way I give myself to Girl A, would have been the same in our relationship. I guess he tries for her a lot, does a lot of things, which she deserves. I told her I am happy where I am at. We have made peace, and have been doing fairly decent as friends.

[alone&lost]

The feelings you have in my opinion are a mix or jelousy and sadness. Its a normal phase. Eventhough you are closer to girl A over time you develope feelings for girl B. Even it was supconcious. You sound like you are much happier with girl A and girl B and you are friends. You are in a position to be there for two people you care about. So in my opinion, stay friends with girl B, be faithful and true to girl A, and enjoy your life. Over time the feelings you have toward girl B will pass.

[Horseyguy]

I dunno, sounds to me like you have a problem letting go and have this need for your ex's to stay in contact with you

Staying friends with B just sounds like you want to keep her as a stand by in case it doesn't work out with A, not sure how A will feel about you wanting to keep B on ice as a "friend"

And it doesn't say much about B that she's happy to hang around as your "friend" after you dumped her to get back with your ex unless she's keeping you on ice in case it doesn't work out with A

So is A now the rebound? or was B the rebound? I guess technically they both are .. cool

[JStumpel]

I dunno, sounds to me like you have a problem letting go and have this need for your ex's to stay in contact with you

Staying friends with B just sounds like you want to keep her as a stand by in case it doesn't work out with A, not sure how A will feel about you wanting to keep B on ice as a "friend"

And it doesn't say much about B that she's happy to hang around as your "friend" after you dumped her to get back with your ex unless she's keeping you on ice in case it doesn't work out with A

So is A now the rebound? or was B the rebound? I guess technically they both are .. cool

Thanks for both replies.

If anything, I'd say B was supposed to be a rebound from A. Initially, B was using me as a rebound as well, but ended up actually falling for me. We got together after a few months of hanging out & there were times I felt like I really worked well with her, but for the most part I was questioning it, and could never fully get Girl A out of my mind.

Girl A is definitely not a back up or a rebound.

I dated Girl A before I even knew Girl B. I love Girl A with all of my heart, I'd honestly do anything for her. I don't think it's necessarily having a hard time letting go of Girl B.

I was totally fine with my decision to return to Girl A. I had barely much contact with B for about 6-8 weeks after we split.

I don't think this is a question of whether I actually miss Girl B. She is a wonderful girl, but she just isn't for me. Someone can be the greatest person in the world, the nicest, but if there isn't a spark there then there's nothing you can really do about that. I honestly believe I was really trying to force a relationship with this girl. However, in the end, I couldn't.

It was definitely hurtful/saddening/feelings of jealousy when I found out that she had a new boyfriend, however, I know deep down that this is the best thing for her. I know that these feelings I am having of jealousy and hurtfulness are simply because I feel as if someone new is on my "old turf", even if I never really wanted to be there in the first place in the role of a boyfriend. In 2-3 weeks, I think these feelings will fade away.

If you are wondering why we would want to be friends, it is simply because she is a nice person, and she said that she knows I am a nice person, as well, but we just didn't work in that manner of a dating relationship when it boiled down to the nitty gritty of it all. Even when we were a couple, I always found myself saying to myself, "I have no real attraction to this girl, no real wanting to be here in this relationship, but I could definitely see myself wanting to be a good friend with her." However, I would also tell myself that I had to stick it out and eventually I'd get over Girl A and I'd be happy with B. But, as I said, you can't force attraction...It just never fully happened.

After we split, it sucked going to work (we work together) and we acted as if we didn't know one another, plus the gossip that followed everything. I dreaded going to work, and I was sick of it, so I felt that she and I should just talk everything out and get on a level playing field. We made peace and I don't think this is a case of subliminally putting someone on the back burner. It is an honest case of us both realizing 100% that we are not compatible, but we know that the other person is a really good person and want to honestly be friends because we feel that is the best way we can be compatible with one another in life. Some people work well as friends, some as lovers, others as strict acquaintances.

My jealousy, I honestly feel, is just a case of, "I don't want to be with you, but I don't want anyone else to have you." That is not right. Underneath those feelings, I know the right thing is to be happy for her, and not try to hinder anything for her to gain self satisfaction. I am very happy with Girl A and I know in a few weeks I will continue being happy with A. I have no desire to leave her for B. That has never even entered my mind.

[steviej]

To be honest - there is no issue here really! Everything has worked out best it can, you've been mature about things, you know your feelings and your heart, you're happy with A and have sorted things with B.
The jealousy feeling is only natural and will fade quickly, don't give it too much thought, concentrate on your girlfriend instead.

The only problem I see it is if girl A gets insecure about you working with your ex, it's never a good situation to be in as paranoia can start. Just watch out for girl A and don't give her cause for concern.