Couldn't Deal with Her ADD

[98db]

Geez how I loved this girl. Our relationship started off at 1000 mph. We were so into each other, seeing each other 5-6 times a week. In 2 weeks we were exclusive, in 1 month came the "I Love You's", and shortly after that she slowly migrated into my place.

Before we met, I was already planning on moving out of state but when she came along I postponed those plans to see where things would go. I didn't mind the pace because I wanted to know sooner rather than later if things were going to work out. Everything was great for a few months but then I started noticing things that began frustrating me.

I've always felt that in a healthy relationship, each partner does things to show the other that they care. For me it was doing little favors, many that she didn't even ask for but I thought she would appreciate. I practice what I preach and made a point of always doing things for her like making her coffee in the morning (I don't drink coffee), fixing her lunch, taking care of her animals, pretty much making sure she had everything she needed and much of what she wanted. I even opened up a separate account so that I could transfer money to her in case she needed it.

I have always been the messy person in relationships, but not in this one. She would say she was going to do the dishes or laundry and I would notice days later boulder sized piles of clothes and dishes overflowing from the sink. I just did the chores without complaining because I didn't expect her to be my maid.

After a while things started to get frustrating because I felt that she was not close to matching the level of effort I was putting into the relationship and many times I didn't even feel that she was even trying. I felt unappreciated and like she didn't care about me or making me happy, meanwhile I was doing everything I could to keep the honeymoon alive.

Then, I remembered something she mentioned early on in the relationship - She had ADD. I had never known anyone with ADD much less had a relationship with someone with ADD. I did some research and found that a lot of the concerns I had were classic ADD relationship issues.

Now that I understood that, I approached things differently. I became vocal with my feelings, letting her know what I needed and what I expected from a loving relationship. Communication, right? Instead, she perceived that I was attacking her/picking on her/calling her stupid.

Eventually, it wore her down. I wasn't mad at her, I was frustrated with the ADD. She never blamed the ADD and instead began resenting me. She said I was insecure. Sure, I was insecure, because I was doing so much for her and getting little to nothing back in return. One day we got on the computer and she built the $15,000 engagement ring that she wanted. I sat back and after much thought asked her "What do you do to deserve a ring like that me?" At this point I am thinking that she is using me as her meal ticket.

And then it got scary. She picked up a gambling addiction. At first she said that it relaxed her, and then she said it was because she had no more friends/hobbies (because of me), and then she said I drove her to it. I have to admit, that I did enable this behavior by accompanying her and giving her money, even against my better judgement, because I could see it made her happy. Up until now, this was a woman I could still see myself marrying but now I was afraid I would come home to her one day crying about how 'She lost everything'.

Next came the nights of her staying out late only to find out she was gambling at the casino. One time I had to get out of bed to drag her out of the casino and she cried to me about losing $600 and now she needed money to pay bills. I gave her the money thinking she had learned her lesson. I made her lower her ATM withdrawal limit, but this behavior continued and it actually got to the point where she gambled away the bank deposit for her work. I covered that too.

There were other things that went wrong but this is enough. We recently broke up, but I am afraid I still love her and she is just done with me. We never really had good times and bad times, rather we had 'great' times and 'awful' times. I always held on to the 'great' times hoping to figure out a way to bring them back. We were both exhausted from the fighting. I feel bad because she never did anything really wrong (like cheat) but I would get frustrated and argue about the same things over and over.

The fights were terrible. We both said mean and hurtful things and she actually had me convinced that I was the one with severe issues. I ended up seeing a therapist who after one session told me my problem - I had needs that she was not fulfilling and it was not fair for me to expect her to change to fulfill those needs. We were quite simply not compatible.

Did I fail because I couldn't deal with her ADD? Was I wrong to stand up for what I felt I needed/deserved in a relationship? Are my expectations unreasonable?

[robFord]

No, I'm sure you tried your best to make her happy, but she has her own issues she has to deal with. This recalls the "falling in love with an idea thread". You two may love each other, and have had an amazing relationship, but after a while reality sets in and she is the person who broke your heart and took you for-granted. It could've been the ADD or not, but the person you got frustrated with is the girl she is and will always be.

My girl suffered from anxiety, fear and depression. Not on a large scale where she needed help, but after a while, it weighed me down. I would make her happy for a while, but I didn't know how to make her happy so he could maintain it herself. She just wasn't a happy person, and that was reality.

[Love&Life]

Dear 98db, I think you are a very caring person. What I am going to say sounds harsh, please it's not meant to insult you.
But I think you both enabled each other to behave like you behaved. Sure she has issues, label is not even important, but she were treated like a child, then you can expect a child. I think you did too much for her, and she obviously took it for granted. The extra bank account is a nice gesture, but ... it's like a parent taking care of the child...doesn't really sound like a lover/partner to me. And cleaning the house, dishes etc... if you were the only one doing the chores, then equality was lacking... In my eyes you were trying to be both her mother as her father.

I think she felt like treating you like this, show this behaviour, because there was space to do it.

I also think it pressures on someone when you do something to gain their love, or whatever. The question is: why did you let yourself go like this. You said you weren't like this before, only with her. Is it because you somehow felt she wouldn't commit to you and you tried your best to make that happen?

[98db]

My therapist said the same thing about me enabling her behavior. From the beginning, all I wanted to do was make her happy and I did a lot of things for her despite my better judgement. I've done some self discovery and have come to the understanding that I am co-dependent. I made it so my happiness was dependent on her happiness. I started realizing that my happiness was spiraling downwards along with hers and I became frustrated because I couldn't bring her out of the nose dive no matter how much I tried.

She felt very early on that I was the one, and I bought into that dream hook line and sinker. Even when she started thinking otherwise, I still held on to that. I realize now that I pushed her away even though I was trying to do the exact opposite.

[donaldox]

seems like youre a great guy who love crazy chiks life are tough youre like born to suffer type of person eatin this add

E. B. Dan | א. ב. דן - Her Gold Hair Video and Leo
holds another, and finally, after much discussion, we have come to a
compromise, namely, to send the history to you, giving you full leave to
publish it if you think fit, the only stipulation being that you shall
disguise our real names, and as much concerning our personal identity as
is consistent with the maintenance of the _bona fides_ of the narrative. E. B. Dan | א. ב. דן - Her Gold Hair Video
gloom of the jealous And now what am I to say further? I really do not know beyond once more
repeating that everything is described in the accompanying manuscript
exactly as it happened. As regards _She_ herself I have nothing to add.
Day by day we gave greater occasion to regret that we did not better
avail ourselves of our opportunities to obtain more information from
that marvellous woman. Who was she? How did she first come to the Caves
of Kôr, and what was her real religion? We never ascertained, and now,
alas! we never shall, at least not yet. These and many other questions
arise in my mind, but what is the good of asking them now?


gloom of the jealous

[DarkHelmet82]

I have ADHD and i have never let it affect me in a negative manner... sometimes obstacles are put in your life so you can learn and grow from them... I dont think you did anything wrong though... she has to deal with her problems and love herself before she can truely love you.