"It" Came Back.

[Nanao]

Hi everyone.

Sooo, 4 years ago I started dating this guy, we dated for three years, and we were still in high school then. So of course, high school rumors fly around and eventually a rumor that "Hey your boyfriend made out with this girl." came up. This created, as you can imagine, some trust issues. I have serious trust issues myself, so it took me a very long time to get over it. So long, in fact, that I didn't until right before we broke up, three years later.

Now, a year later, we've started up again. Things are great. Though, I was having a Facebook conversation last night with a friend of mine who also happens to be longtime friends with said other girl (The other girl's name is London, by the way). When I told her that he and I had started up again, she said "Oh, I thought he and London were dating."

I have absolute confidence that he isn't cheating on me NOW. I just don't feel that he would. However, looking back at his profile (And this was by ACCIDENT, I was looking for a post I had given him and shot too far back), I found this:

London
ummm so times in the rain..good times hope you think of those pimpin' times today and they make it a great day. Have a good day....btw HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
August 25, 2010 at 12:49am
T.j. Ha, wow, thanks London, good times indeed. And thanks for the reminder of course.
August 25, 2010 at 1:06am
London no prob...our little secert
August 25, 2010 at 1:07am

So, since I didn't want to play the assumption game I brought it up with him, and he told me he'd walked her home since she was drunk that night, she tried to kiss him and he shoved her away. She "to this day, still thinks I (He) touched her chest".

Thing is, I don't believe a word.

I know that he loves me. But I also know that people will sometimes "tell-a-lie-to-protect-you", and I think this is one of those if anything else. It was four in the morning when we talked last, so we didn't get too into the subject.

My problem is, this happened once and it destroyed my trust in him. I don't want that to happen again. After all, this happened a long time ago. But I hated the feeling of looking over my shoulder for her ALL THE TIME... And this time (As with the other time, 4 years ago), it feels like he's lying to me. What am I supposed to do?

[steviej]

So did this incident occur whilst he was no longer with you?

If so, then it isn't fair to give him grief over something that doesn't concern you!
If he's with you and is committed to that then you either have to trust him and accept it, or let him go altogether and move on.

Jealousy and insecurity have killed many relationships.

[Nanao]

Thanks stevie.

I know that it isn't fair. The issue really isn't whether it happened when he was with me (Because you're right, it didn't), however, the FIRST one, the rumor, did. And the way that the friend brought it up (As if they were dating still) makes me wonder. And I don't want to keep wondering about her. It drove me nuts. But I don't want to end up being naive and stupid either.

[steviej]

So, the first time when this rumour surfaced, did he deny it? Was there any truth behind it?

If you cannot trust this guy, or get over your trust issues with him, then you are going to have a miserable time with him being paranoid and over thinking situations.
A relationship should be fun, easy and enrich your life.
For that to happen you have to let your guard down and trust the other person so you can emotionally relax. You might get burned, it does happen, but it is worth the risk!
You have to decide if you're ready to do this yet.

Communication is very, very key in relationships, i'll be honest, i didn't fully understand what this meant until recently, but talk to your boyfriend, explain your issue and see if his replies reassure you.

[Nanao]

The first time this happened, he EXPLICITLY denied it. But then, he's been known to lie. That's where the trust issues come from (I caught him red-handed in a lie, so I do have basis). I got over that too though.

You're right of course. And so far, that's all it really has been. We've been having an awesome time. It's just that... I really don't like how this same girl keeps popping up all over the place, but when I brought it up with him he was VERY defensive and told me I was "accusing him" of stuff. o__o;; It might have been because he was tired right after work. I think I'll try again soon, but that was just really weird behavior for him.

[devonbrown]

You say you get gotten over his lying before, but it doesn't seem that you really have, in that you think he is lying to you now. Without trust, there is not much you can do to make a relationship strong.

One thing I definitely want to suggest though, which may help a lot, is this - Don't worry about looking over your shoulder for ANYBODY. Be confident in yourself and know that your bf should be into you completely without even thinking of doing anything else. And if you find that he isn't honest and faithful, then lose him and find someone who deserves you. Confidence in you. No one else matters outside your relationship if you have that.

Good luck.

[Nanao]

Thanks Devon. I guess you're right? It was more like I guess I got too caught up in what that first girl (THe one who thinks they're still dating) told me, so I just assumed he was lying because I've been through this before and have had the experience. I shouldn't project like that.

On the other note, that is good advice. Thanks!

[tufaadrian]

Get with your relation and STOP looking over your shoulder.
You do that.
Now the facts ... might be or might me not true ... but YOU are looking over the shoulder.
The idea is that in long term relations you should have something in mind: if it comes back home ... that is good!

[sunflower77]

I think you should move on. You obviously don't trust him and you claim that the first time around it was killing you for 3 years, do you really want to keep hurting yourself this way? It just doesnt sound like a healthy relationship to me and if he has cheated and lied to you before, chances are he might do it again lets be honest. If you really love him and forgive him then let the past go, after all he wasnt with you at the time he was with this girl, so no matter what happened , he hasnt really done anything wrong. Just keep in mind that trust is one of the most important things for a relationship and that there are a lot of fish in the sea... I apologize for being so blunt but I had a friend who was in a similar situation recently and I saw her getting hurt over and over again.

[Horseyguy]

I think if he was dating her and they are on facebook together she would have posted a lot more than that whilst they were together. Sounds like it was much ado about nothing, either way you wern't together at the time.

If it's working for you now just run with it unless he gives you reason to doubt him now, for what he's doing now I'd let it go or you'll just end up second guessing everything he does

[SelflessnHumble]

Hi everyone.

Sooo, 4 years ago I started dating this guy, we dated for three years, and we were still in high school then. So of course, high school rumors fly around and eventually a rumor that "Hey your boyfriend made out with this girl." came up. This created, as you can imagine, some trust issues. I have serious trust issues myself, so it took me a very long time to get over it. So long, in fact, that I didn't until right before we broke up, three years later.

Now, a year later, we've started up again. Things are great. Though, I was having a Facebook conversation last night with a friend of mine who also happens to be longtime friends with said other girl (The other girl's name is London, by the way). When I told her that he and I had started up again, she said "Oh, I thought he and London were dating."

I have absolute confidence that he isn't cheating on me NOW. I just don't feel that he would. However, looking back at his profile (And this was by ACCIDENT, I was looking for a post I had given him and shot too far back), I found this:

London
ummm so times in the rain..good times hope you think of those pimpin' times today and they make it a great day. Have a good day....btw HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
August 25, 2010 at 12:49am
T.j. Ha, wow, thanks London, good times indeed. And thanks for the reminder of course.
August 25, 2010 at 1:06am
London no prob...our little secert
August 25, 2010 at 1:07am

So, since I didn't want to play the assumption game I brought it up with him, and he told me he'd walked her home since she was drunk that night, she tried to kiss him and he shoved her away. She "to this day, still thinks I (He) touched her chest".

Thing is, I don't believe a word.

I know that he loves me. But I also know that people will sometimes "tell-a-lie-to-protect-you", and I think this is one of those if anything else. It was four in the morning when we talked last, so we didn't get too into the subject.

My problem is, this happened once and it destroyed my trust in him. I don't want that to happen again. After all, this happened a long time ago. But I hated the feeling of looking over my shoulder for her ALL THE TIME... And this time (As with the other time, 4 years ago), it feels like he's lying to me. What am I supposed to do?

Did you just say, "I know he loves me: BUT, he just bullshitted and lied right to my face????" !!!!!!

People who don't have a future always revert to their past.

While a woman's intuition can be a good thing: a hunch can lead to an incorrectly made assumption that will cost you.

The fact is: this is what happens when you deal with liars. Liars and lies make you paranoid and apprehensive to trusting again.

By your own post and statements you were never over the lies he told previously and even then:

YOU WERE ONLY TOLD (via hearsay) about what he had supposedly done (in HS) and you dumped him over that?

You've got trust issues, no doubt.
So...if YOU cannot trust him: you NEED to tell him you cannot be with him period. Why?

HE: deserves a woman who loves, honors and respects him (not a little girl) that doesn't have her shit together.

Jealousy + Expectations =relationship FAIL every time no matter who it is.

[Nanao]

Um, I didn't dump him over that. We had many other issues. That was just a contributing factor that increased every other time he lied to me.

Also, I have my shit together now and that's what counts, so, I don't appreciate that. :3

I think that you are right. He DOES deserve a woman (Who is ME, by the way) who loves, honors and respects him. I try to do all three. I simply don't condone the way he's being defensive about this simple question, when I ask him what happened. I'm NOT concerned about them kissing, I'm NOT concerned about him cheating, I DO NOT HAVE TRUST ISSUES WITH THIS MAN CURRENTLY. I'm concerned that he doesn't seem willing to tell me something. Like someone else said, Communication is the BASIS for a good relationship, and he is not giving me that. Thus, it leaves me worried and a little upset, specifically because our communication has been vastly improving since we got back together.

So no, I will not be moving on, and no, I am not a little girl. I am simply not happy with the way he has been communicating as of this moment.

[sunflower77]

A little harsh, are we? She has been putting up with his lies for so long and you believe he deserves better, if anyone does, thats her. And she is right communication and trust are key, and thats why I said that if they are lacking those and if the situation hasnt changed for 4 years, maybe it's time to a) move on for the better or b)just let the past go (which sadly isnt a very easy thing to do)

[HeartIsAching]

1. You DON'T trust him. If you did, he could tell you what he did and you'd take it at face value. Period. If you don't, it's because you don't trust him. That is reasonable-ish given the circumstances, but be honest with yourself.

2. You have some security issues. This is obvious, as you felt the need to go through posts on his FB wall looking for evidence. Don't lie, you know that's what you did. Own up to it, and be honest with us.

3. You have tried and convicted him without tangible evidence, and are asking us to pass sentence on him for you. Nothing you have here - including what happened in HS is any sort of real evidence. How many people did you know in HS that SAID somebody'd cheated in order to break them up, simply so they could get a clear shot at one of them? It happened quite a bit in my HS. Did you have multiple witnesses, or only one? Did the witness(es) tell you personally, or did it come to you as a "friend of a friend" sort of thing?

I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying that you simply don't know, and your insecurity/distrust is causing you to jump to conclusions that may or may not be warranted.