Opinions on self-destructive girlfriend.

[averybadape]

Hey guys, sorry to have to dump this on you, but I really need some advice.

I've only been with my girlfriend for 2 months, I'm 3 years older than her (I'm 21 and she's 18) and she's only had one boyfriend before me, whereas I've had 3 serious girlfriends. We've both been hurt before and both find it difficult to trust, her more than me because her ex was pretty much her best friend and one day he decided he didn't want to talk to her again and walked away and that was it, so she finds it very hard to trust.

The problem is, she expects me to do exactly the same, so she doesn't let me in at all. She's just started opening up, but last week she pretty much ignored me all week and posted a very revealing picture on Facebook on Thursday. She'd tried to break up with me a couple of times previously because she panicked about being in a relationship then she saw sense and stopped being daft, so naturally I myself had issues with us being together. I'm normally pretty good with letting stuff slide, but the combination of being ignored all week and the picture pushed me to nearly breaking up with her. I asked her to meet me so I could talk to her, and I couldn't do it, but she was scared I was going to and broke down crying. Since Thursday she's been extremely paranoid and off with me, and she broke up with me on Friday because she was scared of getting hurt. We talked it through and she decided that she didn't want to lose me, so we gave it another go, until last night, where she suddenly went in a mood with me for no reason at all. We had had three great days together, we were cuddled up in bed watching a movie and she just got really sad. I tried to get her to talk to me and she wouldn't and kept telling me to leave her alone and that she hates me. I'm EXTREMELY obsessive compulsive and I'm really not good in arguements, I tend to panic and can't give people space, which is my problem not hers, and because of this I pretty much went on at her none stop for a good 40 minutes to the point she started shouting at me. She said she never loved me, hated me and doesn't want to speak to me ever again. Even though I was meant to be her best friend she said she didn't even want to try and be friends ever. She was just absolutely vile. She got really angry at me and stormed out, but it was very late and she planned to walk home through some rough areas. I figured she wasn't going to speak to me again anyway, so I decided I'd walk with her to make sure she got back safe. I didn't care that she didn't want to talk or even have me there, it was an hour walk and even after everything I couldn't let her walk back alone, I cared too much.

Throughout the whole walk she tried to get it in my head that it was over and that she didn't want to speak to me again, she said this all while laughing every time I said something funny, at one point when it was silent she grabbed my hand and kissed me before going back to being silent again. This happened for a while until she turned around and told me to go away and never speak to her again. By this point she was at a point where she would get back safe and I wouldn't have to worry, so after a couple of minutes of trying to change her mind I walked away. Me being an idiot though, I turned around 5 minutes after and ran after her. I finally caught up and she just looked at me, I made a few jokes, she laughed and kissed me, but still remained certain that it was over. We walked for a bit and she turned and said goodbye to me, and I broke down crying. She tried to hug me and tried to hold my hands and I wouldn't let her and I told her I couldn't believe she had lied to me about loving me and said I thought it was really unfair that she wouldn't give us one chance - we have such a strong bond and we're so good together that it just seemed ridiculous to me. At that point she kissed me, a proper kiss and she hugged me. She looked at me and said she wanted to try again.

We walked in silence and held each others hand. We talked a little, she told me she loved me and she wanted to see me tomorrow. I went home and text her and she said she was sorry for how she was, she said she's just been off the last few days and that she thinks it's just the time of the month. We text a little and that was it, I haven't spoken to her today, but she's at college and she can't always text when she is. I'm not sure how I feel right now, it's fair enough that she was just off, but how can you be that horrible then take it back 5 minutes after? I do want to make us work, I really do, we're absolutely amazing 90% of the time, but her mood swings where she tries to break us apart are horrible, she keeps ripping my heart out and putting it back, I'm not going to walk away from her, but I can only be supportive for so long before she's going to push me away forever.

Any thoughts on how I should take her mood swings? How to react when she's like that? I guess I should just leave her be when she needs space, but that's still no excuse for being as horrible as she was.

Thanks everyone.

[Bonfire]

She sounds like she has some issues to contend with. If I am in your shoes and I like her that much, I would simply be like a rock to her. By a rock, I mean whenever she goes through that emotional instability episode, I would not move, my state of mind would be calm, my emotion would be still, and I would simply hold her or be there til she stops. The walk home you had with her tells me she could snap back to reality and she knows that she is being unreasonable. But she can't control it at this moment and when the episode ended after the walk home she was happy again because you stood by her side. Be that rock that can weather her storm. In time, she will learn to trust you and her emotional episode will occur less frequent. In a way, she is subconsciously testing you to see if you are strong enough to provide the stability and security she seeks. Play it cool like nothing bothers you, go at her pace, and give her that reassurance you understand her. You can give this a try and you are right that there should be a limit, if you feel you have reach that limit and spent away all your patience, then it would be best to leave but tell her why so that she'll learn from it too.

[steviej]

I had a bit of a similiar issue with my gf, and i have to agree with bonfire. You can't show weakness, but you do have to reassure her that you'll be there for her.
The key thing in this is communication. You she has to talk to you and keep you informed of how she's feeliing and what's going on in her head.
There will be only so much you can take of her behaviour before it sends you crazy. Having someone smash your heart then put it back together to then do it all over again takes its toll physically as well as mentally. She needs to recognise and take steps to change her behaviour, seeing a therapist or at least being able to discuss her issues would be a step forward.

Good luck! Keep us informed on the situation.

[averybadape]

Thanks for the quick replies! I wouldn't be surprised if she had bipolar, she has ADD and I heard if you have one condition the chances of having another are higher? I will support her, but it's exactly that - she never talks to me about her problems, ever. Instead she goes quiet and hides away in the corner and won't even look at me. If she wants us to work she needs to open up to me and let me in a little.

I try and not take anything she says to heart, she just says things she doesn't feel when she's like that so I try my best not to let myself get hurt by it.

I'll update if anything happens, still not had any word from her though. Pretty worried that things are gonna blow up again tonight if I'm honest.

[twinrexes]

I think that aside from her other issues (bipolar, ADD, or whatever it turns out to be) she's terrified you're going to leave her like the last guy. Every time things start to feel really good between you she's going to get scared. So it's not in her best interest to relax and let her guard down or get "too happy" with you. I guess you have to be willing to do what's necessary to prove you won't dump her.

I did notice you saying you're obsessive compulsive and not good in an argument. With my husband, if we argue and he launches into a 40 minute dissertation, then I'm about ready to kill him! So I can see why she reached her boiling point. You DO need to learn to back off when it's time to back off, especially if she's the type who withdraws. Don't overwhelm her or she WILL snap and say things she doesn't mean (been there!). Just stop, count to ten in your head, and take a deep breath. Then tell her you can see she needs a little time to cool off or be alone and you'll be around when she's feeling better. She'll learn that you won't ditch her when things get ugly.

[Yet another guy]

Are you sure that she wasn't like that before and that's why her ex left? Would make a whole lot more sense that just walking away without a reason.

It's ok to dump her if you can't handle it. Probably the best way to do that is to not come back when she explodes next. If you really want to make it work, do as the others have said. In either case, she needs professional help too.