What am I doing wrong?

[EnglishBob]

[before you start, there is a lot of background here that I've 'dumped' as I've gathered my thoughts... skip to the question if your bored halfway through]

I've known my wife for 15 years, and we have been married for 8 of them with two lovely kids, a boy aged 14 months and a girl aged 6 years old. I'm a pretty intelligent guy, I'm not ugly and I have a good job bringing in enough money for us not to have to worry about the bills. I love my wife and kids, but something isn't working out.

I'm very frustrated in that... in essence my wife says I don't do anything to help, I ignore her and basically am a bad husband. The problem is that I work VERY hard to try and be a better husband. I'm a good dad in that I spend time with the kids, I take them for walks and play with them daily but my job has always been demanding and often takes up some hours in the evening. I occasionally work 10+ hours at the weekend (about once every two months).

Anyway, I've been working very hard this year (since Jan) to get on top of the things like the personal finances, organising things like car tax, efficient savings etc. to ensure the family is safe and sound. I also do a lot of tidying around the house, cleaning up the dishes etc. to make the home life better. I always put at least one of the kids to bed and the house gets very untidy with the kids etc. so I put in the effort. My wife does the laundry and looks after the toddler, does the school run and sorts the groceries and the food generally and will tidy up occasionally. From MY perspective though, we eat out a lot (3-5 days no home cooking) and I end up doing a lot of the tidying and the dishes etc.

She says looking after the little one is tiring and he is a little monkey, I've had him for the day many a time and he is hard work.

(Sorry if this is boring, I'm trying to collect my thoughts)

The thing is my wife constantly says I do 'nothing around the house' which is very frustrating as I do try very hard. I have no hobbies at the minute and I am either asleep, travelling to/from work, at work, playing with the kids, tidying up, sorting the home admin. I try to spend at least 2 hours every couple of days with my wife watching her TV or eating out together (as a family...which isn't quality me/her time).

Our sex life has been very good this year and physically we are good together, but still things aren't working. Many times a week she will simply stop talking to me and I often don't know if it's something I've done or simply because I'm not with her. She is definitely upset about something but will not talk to me about it. She seems to be someone who refuses to give me a hint as I should 'not have to be told'. This makes her sound pretty bad, but I'm sure her perspective makes me look bad too.

The Question
So what can I do in the short periods we get together after the kids are in bed and before we go to sleep. If I do anything other than be with her she gets annoyed even if it is for the good of the family. She says I ignore her which I sometimes do but its not because I'm watching sport or tinkering with a car or something, its because I get busy sorting things out. I desperately love my family but the harder I try, the further apart we seem to get. I need something that I can do in 2 hours that (or a gesture I can make) that I can do at home when the kids are asleep.

How can I make her feel appreciated without buying her something (I've tried that... you can't buy love).

Thanks, sorry for the long post.

[sweetkissesforu]

try getting a babysitter and have a date with your wife

[violingirl]

After the kids are in bed, sneak into the master bath, fill the tub with super hot water, light some candles, etc. Make it nice and romantic. Lay out some fresh towels, etc. Maybe put on her favorite CD with the volume on nice and low. When you have everything ready, go get her and show her the bath you've drawn for her. Tell her she deserves some nice, quiet time for herself...a little pampering. Kiss her on the cheek, whisper 'enjoy it, honey' and leave the room, shutting the door behind you. I think sometimes couples forget that they need to take care of each other selflessly. You may be in serious need of alone time with your wife, but she just spent the day with active children. Give her some space and time to unwind. She'll come looking for you after she's relaxed and feeling more like a human being.

[abn25]

iT SOUNDS LIKE SHE IS HAVING ISSUES ABOUT HER OWN LIFE AND WHAT HER GOALS ARE ETC., SHE IS TAKING IT OUT ON YOU WHICH ISNT FAIR CONSIDERING WHAT YOU'RE DOING ON TOP OF WORK. I AGREE ABOUT GIVING HER FREE ALONE TIME AND PAMPERING, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD MAKE A DATE TO TALK ABOUT WHATS REALLY BOTHERING HER. IT MIGHT BE JUST WHAT SHE NEEDS TO GET THINGS OFF HER CHEST. DURING THAT ALONE TIME I WOULDNT WATCH TV ID HAND HER A GLASS OF WINE AND JUST TALK.