Went through bfs phone and now he is keeping secrets from me!! Am I in the wrong here

[smexygirl89]

I am not usually like this. I have been through my bfs phone a couple of time (which he hates) but I found texts to his ex which id had an inkling he still had feelings for and found messages aking her when they were going halfs in a hotel room, why she chose the other guy over him and telling her she was impossible to have a relationship with. This was on Valentine's day and I lost it and left. I made him delete her off facebook as he used to delete her add her, delete her add her and I was just sick of it. I only found out the other day he had been ringing her and talking to her. Just the other day too. I asked him about it and he said she texted him a month ago but I told him he lied. Busted! He then said yeh OK I did so what I was just trying to get some things back off her. He has since been denying that's he the one in the wrong and sais the only reason he didn't tell me was Because I'm always trying to get him in trouble.

Am I taking this too far? Or am I write to just my judgetment? Is he taking advantage of me keeping on coming back? We do spend a lot of time with each other

[jb1111983]

I don't like it when my gf (ex in this case) keeps checking my cell phone and facebook. I want her to trust me and it's pretty annoying to see her feeling insecure when I clearly was in love and living with her. Trust. One word so important to make a relationship work. We can't demand trust but we sure can work to be trustworthy. In your case I'm sorry to say he's given you reasons to be suspicious of him. He clearly isn't over his ex yet. That explains why he's kept the line of communication open with her maybe with a hope that maybe they could get together again. That however don't mean he has no feelings for you. It just means he hasn't moved on from his previous relationship yet. You are his gf and have every right to be unhappy about it. I'm sure even he knows this even if he won't admit. My suggestion would be that you talk to him about this. Don't be confronting but share how it makes you feel when he keeps talking to his ex. Then give him some time to think and trust that he will do the right thing. Don't keep checking his phone again which is going to annoy him to death. You'll only be giving him reasons to get annoyed with you. But if he's always gonna continue talking to his ex your relationship will suffer. You may have to leave him then. Hope it doesn't come to that. But if it does don't hang on to him. It's not worth it. It always takes two to tango.

[smexygirl89]

I know and I hate the fact thatI did because it shows my lack of trust in him. I normally wouldnt do it... but everytime I have i have found something that wasnt right and he knows it. He knows how I feel but he still keeps tryin to go on like nothing has happened. I know its easier that way but I want to get things out in the open. He doesnt think he has done anything wrong by still keeping in contact with his ex even after he hurt me on valentines day... no flowers for me either. But at the same time when we are together we get along so well. We have a good time but the trust unfortunately is waining. Im always wondering if hess talked to her... whats he been saying... such a shame =( There are so many things i like about him and this relationship.

[nemale71]

Hi,

From my experience there was reason to be suspicious and you should follow your gut instinct. If you weren't suspicious you wouldn't have looked. In my mind trust plays a huge part in a relationship and once it is broken it can never truly be restored.

He isn't over her and she is isn't over him, or have respect for you. You say it keeps happening. Don't do what I did and think he'll stop, I discovered ten years and a child into our relationship that it would never stop. Save yourself the pain now. It is always easier to just carry on than the huge upheaval of splitting. But a whole new world awaits if you split.

[girl68]

Yes you are wrong. But it's clear as day that he's not interested in loving only you. I'm really confused as why you continue to stick around.

[devonbrown]

girl68 is on the money... Both of you are wrong in this case. You are wrong for going through his phone and for continually taking him back. He is wrong for obviously trying his best to have you and his ex (and who knows who else). He has a right to be upset. And so do you.

Best bet would probably be to scratch things and look for someone else whose trust you don't call into question regularly.

Good luck.

[smexygirl89]

If he was cheating on me though why would he want me around all the time? Im always at his place during the week and spend alot of weekends and I mean all weekend together. I spend time with his mates... we go diving together... we go away on holidays together. Should I just take him keeping in touch with ex's and ex lovers as not a big thing?? Am I just making a big deal out of it?? We have sex 4 -5 times a week.

[devonbrown]

It might not be a big deal. Or it might be. The amount of times you have sex is not enough to know for sure. And it sounds like he keeps you around as often as he does because he gets what he wants from you and/or his external activities are in times when you are not around. I stand by my initial advice to scrap things.

Good luck.

[bloodtippedrose]

Snooping is a huge flag of mistrust in the relationship. When you snoop you are intentionally looking for things that will hurt you. What you find, innocent or not, is a complete violation of privacy. Next time you feel the need to snoop, have a talk with him about your insecurities instead. But as far as I can see, in this particular relationship, the trust and communication are gone which isnt much of a relationship at all.


I used to snoop through my bf's things when I was young and I would find things that not only hurt me cuz I THOUGHT he was up to something, but they hurt him that I would dig through his things like a mother looking for her kids cigarettes. It makes him feel disrespected and condescended upon.

I have not snooped with any bf since except once the other day when my bf was in the shower and left his facebook open on his phone and it said I was one out of five of his most inspiring people and that he has a wonderful, loving and compatible gf. Mind you I dont have a facebook or any of that crap so I NEVER look at his. It was so sweet! But even with that I couldnt tell him I saw it, cuz it is still a form of snooping.

[smexygirl89]

Its such a bad situation though. =( Im so confused in regards to the situation I love spending time with him and we have alot going for us but at the same time there are these things that are bothering me. When I brought up his ex last night he got defensive and said he didnt know why I thought he was ringing her all the time coz he wasnt... I hate this... sometimes its easier if they just break up with u.

[sweetkissesforu]

do you think he may be doing this b/c you went thru his phone not your business

[bloodtippedrose]

Its such a bad situation though. =( Im so confused in regards to the situation I love spending time with him and we have alot going for us but at the same time there are these things that are bothering me. When I brought up his ex last night he got defensive and said he didnt know why I thought he was ringing her all the time coz he wasnt... I hate this... sometimes its easier if they just break up with u.

You should talk to him about what you saw. Start off by apologizing for invading his privacy and you know it was wrong but you saw something questionable that you'd like to talk about to clear your mind. You need insight from him alone. I know dumping him is easier said then done, especially because you have no hard evidence. There is some need that his ex is meeting that youre not. Maybe he can talk to her comfortably unlike you? Maybe she laughs at his jokes and youre always serious? I certainly dont know what it is but there is some reason hes looking to her for companionship. Even if he doesn't know right off dont accept that as an answer, dont get mad try to be calm and understanding and have him give a real good think about what he's been doing.

[devonbrown]

I hate this... sometimes its easier if they just break up with u.

Could it be that your snooping was actually a passive-aggressive way to get him to break up with you? I used to know someone who would never break up with one of his girlfriends. He would just be a complete ass until she had enough and broke up with him. Not the healthiest way to be, but perhaps you are subconsciously trying something similar?

[smexygirl89]

I honestly have no idea devon brown. It definately is an interesting concept though. Im in a place where i just dont exactly know what I want though. I love spending time with him though. Blood tipped rose I dont think that is the case. We both get along really well and im a pretty easy going sorta chick. We enjoy alot of similar things like outdoors, fishing, beach, road trips etc. He tells me, usually when hes very drunk though, how awesome I amand how he could never find another girl like me. That his family thinks the world of me etc etc etc.

[bloodtippedrose]

I had a bf that told me similar, that there arent other chicks like me, that hes scared to lose me, that he wants to move in with me one day, and we hung out all the time and had fun. Then he cheated on me with a chick that was a friend of mine, but looked like a troll. I have no idea what it was that he saw in her that I didnt have but there must have been something. You know some guys that have been happily married and think the world of their wife will cheat on them just because they didn't like living a routine. Maybe thats what you're experiencing.