Husband Violated Our Agreement

[confusedbyitall]

[SIZE="3"]My husband and I have an agreement that he doesn't need, or therefore look at, porn because when he wants to see a naked woman, I'm there for him, always (yes, I realize that men want to c more than one naked woman, but he married me knowing my stance on porn). I am young and hot, I never turn down his advances (unless I was seriously sick or something that can't be helped), and I initiate sex, and "dress up" for him in the bedroom, I am open to doing different things, and try to learn new things to do in Cosmo or whatever....Point being, I realize that you have to keep your man happy in the bedroom if you expect him to turn to only you for that sort of thing. I also need to mention that he and I are very close, best friends, really, we have a wonderful relationship.
My problem is, I found porn on our computer (for those who want to say "shame on you 4 snooping" I wasn't even snooping, just stumbled across it, seriously, I wasn't even suspicious!), which violates our agreement in the first place, and one search was for teen porn, using a specific word referring to teens that I didn't even know, and won't repeat here.
I talked to him about it, and he says he will never do it again, but I found something like this a long time ago, and he said he wouldn't do it again then...
I am so confused, and devastated, because I am as dedicated, if you will, in the bedroom as any wife could be, and if that's not enough then I guess I have to give up! I can't see having a serious relationship with anyone,ever again, if my marriage fails, because apparently I respect myself and marriage too much for any guy to adhere to my standards.
If anyone has any advice on this situation, please respond, because I feel pretty hopeless about it right now!

[Regnent]

Don't know what to tell you.

Can't speak for all men, but porn quick, easy, and doesn't expect or want anything in return.

Unless it was affecting his interest, I wouldn't fuss about it.

But I'm not you, and it does seem to bother you.

[Charlie Boy II]

My girlfriend is 21 years old, beautiful, never turns sex down, often initiates etc But I still look at porn maybe once a week, or once a fortnight. It's just something guys do. You will have enormous difficulty finding a man who never looks at porn.

It is likely you cannot contract porn out of your marriage, which is what you appear to have done.

That is the fact of the matter.

You don't say what it is about porn you hate, so I can't comment on that. And honestly you don't seem open to argument anyway.

[pisces25]

I realize that you have to keep your man happy in the bedroom if you expect him to turn to only you for that sort of thing.He is only turning to you for sex though. I would understand your anger and frustration if he was cheating on you but looking at porn is entirely different to that. And Charlie is right, you will definately struggle to find a man that doesn't look at it. Is your anger stemming from the fact he betrayed your trust in looking at the porn or the porn itself? You also say your husband doesn't 'need' to look at porn and therefore you have an agreement that he doesn't. Is he the one that says he doesn't need to look at porn or was it you telling him he doesn't need to coz he has you? It isn't a reflection on you or your performance in the bedroom that he looks at porn. It seriously is just what males do .Even a guy dating the hottest girl in the world would probably look at it. However if he did say he wasn't going to then I understand a breach of trust has occurred. I am not really sure what to advise. It is up to you whether you want to throw away what sounds like a good relationship over this and never have a relationship again or find a way you can deal with him occasionally looking at porn (if he does it again). I would suggest it may even be some of your own insecurity that is the issue here. We can not control people. But we can control ourselves and how we deal with a situation.

[Horseyguy]

Well this is what happens when you impose your will and your standards on someone else, sometimes they just don't live up to them.

Rather than accepting him for who he is you decided to impose conditions on him because of something you don't happen to like about him (Him looking at porn)

This is your insecurity that's driving this maybe because YOU don't see why HE needs / wants to do it, therefore he shouldn't.

Doesn't really matter because you are asociating him looking at porn as somehome related to his feelings towards you? Which just isn't the case.

Him looking at porn has probably nothing to do with you not satisfying him in the bedroom or anything else to do with you

It's not like he has been blatantly rubbing it into your face, he's tried to be discreet, but at the end of the day I guess he's had to hide it because he feels guilty doing something that's actually perfectly normal

[Petit Papillon]

I'm a woman and I watch porn myself! Gee , guys like porn , even if they are married/divorced/in relationship/engaged/single whatever . Do you really want to screw your marriage because your husband watches porn from time to time?? Really? If so, you're pretty immature then .

[Yet another guy]

(yes, I realize that men want to c more than one naked woman, but he married me knowing my stance on porn)

That's not the reason why people watch porn. He must be very much in love if he could overlook such a flaw as your stance on porn. Would be a shame to see a "wonderful relationship" fall apart over such a small matter.

[VincenzoG91]

[SIZE="3"]My husband and I have an agreement that he doesn't need, or therefore look at, porn because when he wants to see a naked woman, I'm there for him, always (yes, I realize that men want to c more than one naked woman, but he married me knowing my stance on porn). I am young and hot, I never turn down his advances (unless I was seriously sick or something that can't be helped), and I initiate sex, and "dress up" for him in the bedroom, I am open to doing different things, and try to learn new things to do in Cosmo or whatever....Point being, I realize that you have to keep your man happy in the bedroom if you expect him to turn to only you for that sort of thing. I also need to mention that he and I are very close, best friends, really, we have a wonderful relationship.
My problem is, I found porn on our computer (for those who want to say "shame on you 4 snooping" I wasn't even snooping, just stumbled across it, seriously, I wasn't even suspicious!), which violates our agreement in the first place, and one search was for teen porn, using a specific word referring to teens that I didn't even know, and won't repeat here.
I talked to him about it, and he says he will never do it again, but I found something like this a long time ago, and he said he wouldn't do it again then...
I am so confused, and devastated, because I am as dedicated, if you will, in the bedroom as any wife could be, and if that's not enough then I guess I have to give up! I can't see having a serious relationship with anyone,ever again, if my marriage fails, because apparently I respect myself and marriage too much for any guy to adhere to my standards.
If anyone has any advice on this situation, please respond, because I feel pretty hopeless about it right now!

The real problem is that you are a bit of a control freak.

"My marriage"... what the hell is that? Last time I checked, marriage was a bond between two people, not something owned by one of the participants. Maybe you meant to type "our marriage" and slipped, but it's still a revealing slip. You said you're young, so you probably haven't had time to learn that marriage can't survive without compromise. Your agreement regarding porn may have sounded reasonable at the time, but most guys would regard that as a completely unreasonable dealbreaker to be rejected or else ignored. If you actually love him, you should be able to cope with him having some flaws, especially such a perfectly normal and common flaw. But not only are you unwilling to compromise, you claim that you're unwilling to ever be in a relationship again because your very special marriage is failing. Actually that might be a good idea, but not for the reasons you are thinking. No, you shouldn't be in a relationship ever again until you learn how to compromise and accept imperfection.

[Take2]

You need a man to "adhere to your standards"? Sorry, but if you found such a man, one who would let you emasculate him as thoroughly as it seems you need to in order to be happy...I am guessing you wouldn't want him. Because he wouldn't be manly enough for you.

Ask yourself this: in what way does porn disrespect you or marriage? Does laying down the law to your man as though he were a child rather than an equal show respect for your marriage? Is there room for compromise in your heart?

It sounds to me like you used shame to negotiate an untenable contract with your partner. That is a lose-lose proposition, because you have effectively shut down the chance for open communication in your marriage. Without open communication, the marriage is unlikely to grow and thrive.

[Yet another guy]

None of these posts are what you want to hear so I don't know if you are motivated enough to read this far... but there's something I'd like to point out.

My husband and I have an agreement that he doesn't need, or therefore look at, porn because when he wants to see a naked woman, I'm there for him, always

Now, if you feel like going lawyerish and claim that your problem is that your husband broke the agreement... well, you can't even keep your own end of the agreement. As you say yourself "unless I was seriously sick or something that can't be helped". There is no way you can always be there for him and it would be unreasonable to expect that. Just like it's unreasonable to control your husbands porn watching.

Of course, as others have said your "agreement" is unreasonable and your husband is doing nothing wrong watching porn so it makes little difference that both of you violate it.

[asdfg789]

If you have not already done so, read this :

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-male-forum/50687-why-do-guys-watch-porn.html[/url]

[Love&Life]

Please, don' t take this the wrong way...
but a man is a man is a man... I think what you asked of him is too much, it is beyond natural. Why would you demand him not to watch other naked women? Because you are insecure and are disgusted by sexual human behaviour?
If you love him you wouldn't let him surpress this sexuality, it is not healthy. Even if you are the most beautiful, desirable woman on this world, he'd want to watch other women. If you love him, give him a bit more space.
He must love you very much to have tried to keep his promise, but again: you ask too much of him, almost amputated his natural sexual desire. You know, in the end he will appreciate you more for letting him the one he is.

Ask yourself: why did you ask him this in the first place?

[neelym2011]

Hun, all men watch porn but I understand where you're coming from. I dont really like for my boyfriend to watch porn when Im not around but if Im not there to please him the way he likes it then I say why not let him watch other people have sex. Not only will he learn new positions to try with me but he'll be satisfied as well. Plus, I wouldnt want him going around with a boner 24/7 Im assuming that would probably be pretty painful. Why not watch porn with your husband?! Im sure he'd like that even more cause you could help him out while he watches porn and he could please you too. Then he wouldnt be breaking yall's agreement.

[steviej]

I'm guessing she didn't like the replies and hasn't been back. Shame, i'd like to know what happppened!

[Petit Papillon]

I'm guessing she didn't like the replies and hasn't been back. Shame, i'd like to know what happppened!

They are probably watching porn together and she keeps him from touching himself :p