Tattoos and her body. Am I in the wrong?

[Looq]

Okay I am with this girl, we have been together for five years now, and recently she's decided that she wants more tattoos and piercings.

I want to state right now that I have no problems with tattoos in general. I don't have any myself, but I don't have a lot of cash at the moment and, hey, I'm young (22) so plenty of time left if I choose to get one. My girlfriend is older than me (I won't say how old she is because she wouldn't want me to, but I will says its more than 10 years) and she already had five tattoos when we met. I have absolutely no problem with the ones she has, she has one on her ankle of a dolphin which I think is especially random (she has never expressed any interest in dolphins what so ever) but that's the extent of it.

She kept mentioning wanting to get more but never did, so I never really took her seriously. Then all of a sudden she got one, practically on a whim. She didn't even tell me (she says she did, but as I have said she's mentioned getting another tattoo many times and she gave me no indication that this time was any different). I'm not saying I should be able to control what she does with her body, but it would be nice to have been consulted. We have been together 5 years, and I wouldn't get a tattoo without having a proper conversation with her first (it's not like I'm trying to live to double standards). After-all, they are forever.

I think tattoos can be beautiful, artistic, meaningful and sexy. But only if done right. My girlfriend's (currently) six tattoos all seem mixed and matched, none of them have any particular theme or meaning to her, they are not beautiful, artistic or sexy. She's planning to get three more on a trip to see a friend she's going on next week; a devil on her inner thigh, and the names of her two past horses (in Chinese) on the back of her neck. Which would bring her up to 9 and she has no intention of stopping any time soon.

To illustrate what I mean, I would rather she had something large and beautiful, or at least something that has some kind of meaning, rather than a dozen small random ones.

This is going to sound awful, but she starting to remind me of a small child with a sticker book. You know the sort, their parents will buy them a lovely TV, or iPod or XBOX or whatever, and they get a sheet of stickers from somewhere and just cover it with them. All they can see is those pretty stickers and they think it looks great. But then you look at their work and think "Well nice one son, you've made you £400 television look like crap." =P

As for piercings, she used to have a belly bar (which was both tasteful and attractive), however, she had to have an operation which left a scar, meaning she cannot wear one now. To make up for it she wants to start wearing earrings again. That's fine with me, although she was wants to use all the holes she has at once (meaning four in each ear), which I feel is a bit over the top (I haven't said anything though). She's talking about getting a nipple ring now. I'm not particularly fond of those, she mentioned that it could be sexually enhancing, but I have no desire to have a cold metal bar in my mouth (sorry if that's too blue for these forums, it's my first visit). She also half-heartedly joked (but with her that could mean she its serious and is testing the water) about having her clitoris pierced (sorry again) which presents the same problem for me.

I don't want to overstep the mark and come across like I'm trying to control what she does with her own body. But some of what she is doing really does bother me, and I'm actually starting to find her less physically attractive (I realise how bad that sounds but I am trying to be honest). When I try to talk to her, she gets really angry with me. She tells me its her body and she will do whatever she wants with it. And she's right. But after all this time, I just wish my feelings would play some role in her decision making.

Is she right? Should I just shut up and try and live with whatever she decided to do with her body? Am I being a bit of a fascist? Or should my feelings play a factor?

[JadenMia]

I have 3 tattoos and lots of piercings. Nipple piercing for me is sexually enhancing and my partner loves it, i would never pierce my clitoris but i know lots of people that have it done and love it.
My tattoos all have a meaning to me, people do not see or know the meaning unless they ask me.. And even then i wouldnt explain some of the meanings. How do you know they dont have meaning??

I think you are being controlling.. Its her body, let her do whatever she wants with it. If you dont like it.. YOU leave, its not her problem your so judgemental.

She should consult you before doing something with HER body?? lol No.
I think if you love her then it shouldnt even be an issue. If you were that fussy and petty over tattoos and piercings maybe you shouldnt have gotten into a relationship with someone who obviously enjoys them.

[devonbrown]

It is her body. She can get whatever tattoos that she wants. And if you are finding her less attractive because of it, then that is your issue and you need to deal with it or leave. The same conversation would be had if you had gained 5 pounds after meeting her and she leaving you because of the extra weight. You would think that was petty and foolish. It is the same with your thoughts.

Talk to her about your strong philosophical feelings about this issue. But be ready for her to laugh at you. And then tell you that you are being foolish.

People get tattoos not always about what the tattoo IS but sometimes they just like the thrill of the tattoo. It becomes a rush to some people. If you love this woman, understand and accept her. Or find yourself someone who thinks the exact same way as you about everything.

Good luck.

[vashti]

I think you are correct in worrying about the fact that she cares more about marking up her body than maintaining your sexual interest.

[Superfantastich]

I understand your point and think she is being extreme (maybe just because I hate needles )
But she did always tell you she was interested in getting more so it cannot really be held against her.

[bloodtippedrose]

Altering her body does affect you so I think you are justified in feeling upset. Getting liposuction or plastic surgery is altering the body as well and I know even if its not as common as tattoos that the same principle still stands that it should be treated as a joint decision (or at least having the decency to tell the partner that this is what will happen)

[Take2]

I disagree with others here. Certainly the final call on her body is hers. But a serious relationship is about communication and respect and caring. I think that I have a responsibility to at least give my partner a serious and complete heads up before I alter my appearance, and to at least consider his opinion on the matter. Heck, if I find 2 pairs of earings or shoes I like equally, I would lean toward the pair that my bf liked best, as it always feels good to look good to your mate. I know he feels the same, and has made clothing purchase choices based on my preferences.

My ex-husband, just a few months before he left, bought a new pair of glasses. He picked the most hideous pair I had ever seen, and he actively worked to keep from getting my oinion about them. While that was certainly his call and I didn't ptch a fit or anything, it felt disrespectful and in the end I was right. He didn't consider my opinion because he had already let go of me as a partner (just hadn't told me yet).

I wouldn't get a haircut even without telling my bf first. He doesn't get veto power or anything. He can voice any concerns, I will respectfully consider them, and then I will make the final call. That is how it would go with any change to either of us. I would like to see a goatee on him, but he doesn't like facial hair. He would like gold jewelry on me, but knows I don't like gold. I also understand that if I modify my appearance many times in a way that he finds unpleasant, it may impact our relationship, and vice versa.

[IncognitoSir]

I'm intrigued by the responses to this thread. I'v always been lost when it came to this. I was also faced with the same problem (just a tatoo) my ex got, never mentioned it or anything, just went and got it. It really bothered me, but I felt like I wasn't supposed to care, but I did. I feel if your partner respects you they should at least tell you about it.

[Looq]

It's a difficult situation. Like IncognitoSir, I feel like I'm not supposed to care, but I do and I can't help that. I've been browsing a few forums and reading topics with people who have similar issues and most of the advise seems fall into three forms. The first is "You're girlfriend is a slag if she has tattoos, dump the bitch" (which we all know is nonsense); the second is "Tattoos are permanent and they do effect both people in the and both people should be considered when one wants to get a tattoo"; and third and finally "It's her body, she can do whatever she wants with it, you cannot and should not be considered, and if you want to be then you're a controlling arse".

I think the truth is somewhere in between two and three. I agree with three in so far as it is her body to do with as she wishes and she is free to do anything she wants to it without considering me. That said, I feel that as we are in a serious, long-term, relationship, that my feelings should considered in decision making, even though she doesn't have to. If that makes sense?

Number three seems to be the most common (but only slightly), which I feel is unhelpful; we have been together for five years (six in August) and I don't want to throw all that away. But if I stay I still have the same problem (its not like I can just flip a switch and stop being bothered) so nothing has been solved.

What's more is that, if three is truly the case then surly people wouldn't care about their partner sleeping around (an extreme contrast I know, but I'm trying to illustrate a point, not compare the two). I mean if I had sex with a random girl, why should my girlfriend care? It was just sex, it meant nothing, it was just some carnal fun. I was safe so she's not going to catch anything from me. Therefore it only effected my body. Obviously that's a load of rubbish, and unless you don't care about your partner you would be bothered.

[VincenzoG91]

After five years together, the OP certainly has some reason to expect communication about this kind of thing. What if his name was Steve, and she was about to get a big tattoo of her ex-boyfriend Bob's face on her arm? That would be way out of line. Or what if she was getting a tattoo on her face that would earn her stares almost everywhere she went?

[devonbrown]

I agree with Vincenzo that communication is something that should be expected about this. But she has told him, even from the beginning, that she wanted to get more tattoos. He just decided that it wasn't important when she didn't run out that second to get more. And the bottom line is that it is still her body. She has told him she wants more. He can express his displeasure, but if she wants to get them, she can and should. Then he has a choice if he doesn't want to be with her any more because of it. No one has a gun to his head to stay with her. Maybe she is getting them as a passive aggressive way to chase him off. Who knows...

[Looq]

As some of you may know from another topic, I played an April Fool's prank on my gf today. I sent her a picture of my arm with a tattoo photoshop'd onto it (she is away at the moment). I received texts that included "I think you are an idiot", "you need to think about these things" and "I am speechless this is beyond idiot." I thought she was just playing along, turns out she forgot what day it was all together. We spoke later when that became clear.

When I said goodbye and told her I loved her, her reply was "humph", when I said "why humph?", she said "I still haven't forgiven you for your joke and if you think this is gonna stop me getting the three I want while I am away, you can think again." Which was not my intention. I was trying to break the tension on this subject a bit. Let her know I was over it.

But what do you guys think, after all she has said? Strikes me as extremely hypocritical?

[VincenzoG91]

She sounds like a pretentious, hypocritical jerk.

[MerryH]

What was the tattoo of? Was it something ridiculous/offensive?

Your prank tattoo, I mean.

[Klim]

Yeah, people decal-ing up their Xbox makes me disappointed. I hate seeing those.

Anyway, it's her body, so why not get a bunch of tattoos? However, if she doesn't care what you think, then that's a wee bit of a complication. I suppose she should like some input from you as to whether she should or shouldn't get more body art, but I think it's mostly up to her.

Also, tattoos and piercings aren't for me (never even had my ears pierced), but some people like 'em. Your lady friend there seems like one to enjoy those forms of art, so why stop her*?

*That sounded a little hostile in my head, and I did not mean it that way. Just saying.

EDIT: Upon examination of your previous post, I have determined that she is a hypocrite (spelling?). She seems pretty set on this whole subject.