Why do some men persist in "being friends"?

[TygerTyger]

Hi everyone..I've been here before to talk some stuff out, so thanks again for reading another post.

I'm in my 40's and pretty new to dating after a long relationship. Have run into a variety of situations that make me feel pretty naive, and to an extent I am, so be gentle!

Most of my situations have been the usual fare..some dates from online, some from "real life." Nothing's stuck yet..good times, fun people, some weird people..hehe..but this is about two men that I am in the friends zone with, meaning, *I* have been put in the friends zone. I have accepted this, and this post isnt about me griping or moaning about it. I've been making changes to make myself more comfortable with it and move on with keeping my options open.

The story: One fellow contacted me on FB thru a mutual friend, and has more or less adopted me as one of his "best friends." His intention was never to date me, but to have me nearby, apparently. This is new and weird to me. I am attracted to him, but I have known from the start that he did not share these feelings. We would get together once or twice a week, hang out, have dinner, watch movies, and I get to hear all his girlfriend/griping stories. I know, fun. He feels there was this connection between us and values my intelligence, companionship, etc. I noticed he would get stressed out when I went on vacations or was gone for some time, saying he would really miss me.

A couple weeks ago I finally had enough, and told him I didn't want to be the "third wheel" anymore..the buddy..whatever. He said he "got it", understood, then laid low for a couple weeks until the FB message arrives that he misses me and wants to see me.

Next part of story: Guy I met on a dating site last summer. Instantly fell for him, in a much deeper way. He said he didnt feel chemistry with me, but wanted to hang out all the time, be FB friends, etc. Once again I played along as a friend, but this one was truly unbearable after a while because I really felt he was special, and I told him my feelings for him and that I was done being in the "friends zone" and all our hanging out had to stop. This I actually did stick to, and dodge all his subsequent hints about getting together. Now he's latched on via Facebook, so clingy and ever present that even other people have asked "who is this guy?"

OK...again, this is not me whining about how come they don't want me, etc...I'm OK with that. But from a GUY point of view (or any women to whom this sound familiar).can you please explain this behavior to me? Both men have made it clear there is no interest as far as dating, one has a GF, one is out looking. I have many male friends and we see each other maybe once every two months or so...there is a gap of time, and I dont feel that clinging, neediness from any of them.

Is it normal for guys in their 40's and 50's to latch onto female friends like this? Both are socially active, good looking men so we're not talking trolls here. And sheesh..I told them BOTH it is painful/frustrating for me to see them in person and I still get the invitations.

Maybe the final solution is NOT to meet people half way, (like saying we can be friends but only on FB) and just completely shut them out of my life. Is this reasonable, or should one try to be "adult about it" and learn to accept people as freinds.

Anyway, thanks for the input. Ugh, I feel so lame. :/

[puzzluzz]

they want sex from others

[bubabalo]

I'm a female and I absolutely can relate to you. This happens to me a lot.
I'm not American but I've been living in the US for over 2 years and this just happened to me here. I'm not saying men in my country are better, because they are not, but here they have this super close friendship with women that are interested on them that I don't get.
I wonder if it's a ego thing. Knowing that there is someone intested on them, someone that will be there for them.

[sweetkissesforu]

I'm a female and I absolutely can relate to you. This happens to me a lot.
I'm not American but I've been living in the US for over 2 years and this just happened to me here. I'm not saying men in my country are better, because they are not, but here they have this super close friendship with women that are interested on them that I don't get.
I wonder if it's a ego thing. Knowing that there is someone intested on them, someone that will be there for them.

I also think they are missing something that they dont get with there male friends maybe a confidant woman are naturally more socialable easier to talk to

[bubabalo]

I also think they are missing something that they dont get with there male friends maybe a confidant woman are naturally more socialable easier to talk to

Yes that makes sense. Since we women have lots of women friends we don't understand missing that

[sweetkissesforu]

Yes that makes sense. Since we women have lots of women friends we don't understand missing that

Womens friends are more connected men on the other hand feel a afternoon watchin a football game is bonding how fun is that

[Ric]

Women pull the same stunt. Be friends if you both get enough out of the relationship you guys have. If for you the burden of not being able to date the guy outweighs the pleasures of his friendship, being friends is not a good idea.

[surfhb]

There's only one reason a man you dated puts you in the friends zone --- he doesnt want to sleep with you.

[MrE]

Just echoing what's been said. If he wants to be friends, that means he doesn't want a relationship with you, he wants a relationship with somebody else. Same exact reason why girls want to 'just be friends'.

Don't try to force a relationship with him. I gave into that once and it turned out to be an absolute disaster.

[TygerTyger]

Yes, I know neither of them want a relationship. My question as more about why do they insist on hanging out when pushed away. I thought once men made up their mind about someone, and especially after getting a clue that their presence is painful, they'd move on completly.

[bubabalo]

Some people didn't get the question I think. She knows they don't want a relationship and she is completly fine with that what she doesn't understand is why they insist in being not just friends, but super close friends, the type of connection you have when you are dating someone but in this case without the dating benefits. She would understand a normal friendship where you get to see and talk to the guy once in a while but not a super close friendship, the type that gives you the impression he might be interested because he wants to see and talk to you all the time.

As I said I totally get her and can relate to her and that happened to me too.

[TygerTyger]

Bubabalo, that's EXACTLY it. These guys haven't "backed off" to a normal "friends distance".

[bubabalo]

I know this happened to me many times here. As you said this is NOT NORMAL. This makes us wonder and confused because it is not normal. So what makes me think that something like that can not come from a healthy-normal person. Those guys definately have some issues.