Advice needed!

[rachel1979]

Hey,

I started a new job and was working with this guy who I got on really well with. I never saw it as anything more as he had a girlfriend. Over time however, we seemed to be getting closer and I thought he might like me as more than friends, but didn't want to risk ruining our friendship so didn't say anything and he still wasn't single. Anyway he finally told me he had feelings for me and that he was leaving his girlfriend. I couldn't have been happier. It all seemed great and he said all the right things, even though it was difficult for a while when he was splitting up with his girlfriend and moving out of their house etc.

I then had to move abroad for my job. I was gutted and missed him terribly but we emailed and skyped a lot and kept in touch. I find it hard to talk about my feelings and so found starting discussing how we felt via email a good way to start. Our emails intensified as we both missed each other more and more and he explained how much he liked me, how he didn't mess around and how, although there could be no guarantees, he really wanted to try to see if we could work.

Anyway he then also got posted to the same place I am and I was so excited. The first week was great, we spent it together all the time and had a lot of fun. Then he suddenly seemed to pull away. I tried to ask him about it but he just said I was thinking about things too much but finally said he didn't want anything too heavy. I was happy with this as didn't want to rush into anything when we were both away from home and working together. So, so for, all ok, but from here, things seemed to go downhill. Maybe I did think about it all too much, but he seemed to become more and more distant and we started talking less and less. As the weeks went past we got to the point we were only seeing each other at work. I finally asked if anything was wrong and we had a huge argument about everything.

He told me I'd pushed him away by thinking about things too much and not talking to him about it. I argued he could have tried to talk to me, but he won't take any responsibility, saying it is all my fault. He has never told me he doesn't like me anymore, just that his perception of me has changed. I feel like I have become very stressed and upset by this and don't think he is seeing the real me.

We used to spend every weekend together and eat dinner or watch films at each others sometimes in the week. Things seem much more intense being away from home and I have taken this badly partly because he was my social life here and partly because I feel like he led me on to believe one thing and then very quickly changed his mind when things started to happen. The whole situation has made work difficult and he seems to have moved on and be perfectly happy whilst I am still struggling and find the whole situation upsetting. I have tried to suggest we can just be friends and still spend some time together but he always manages to get out of doing anything we talk about, without ever actually saying he doesn't want to go.

He has always blamed me for things going wrong, although he is not bitter. He will not accept any responsibility or apologise for anything. On paper I realise it seems ridiculous I still like him and want to spend time with him, but I do still like him and, although maybe just because we are away and have few other friends here, I do want to continue spending time with him.

I need some advice as he says me constantly being upset or stressed at work makes me impossible to be friends with, whereas I feel like his attitude and reaction to me fuels my upset. He doesn't talk to me, look at me or do any of the things he used to do.
I cannot continue feeling so crappy about things as it is making me very unhappy, but I don't know how to stop feeling like this, or what to do?

[Cerby]

Hey, I can kind of sympathize. I met a girl at work who was dating a guy long term. They broke up in December, and our attraction intensified. We hung out for several weeks before she told me she wanted to date me. Our first few weeks were completely awesome, she was interested, around, and cared. But like your guy, she thought things were getting to heavy too fast, and then they started to slide downhill. We managed to date for just under 2 months before she said that she cared about me, but needed some space to get over her ex and wanted a break. Well, breaks are always bad so I called it off and told her to take all the time she needs.

Throughout the slide, she told me I was pressuring too hard for a relationship she wasn't ready for, and I was worrying too much (which was shit, I was a confident guy who just wanted someone to care about me like I did them) and towards the end, my pressure was too much. Honestly, I think it was a BS excuse, if she really cared should would have worked through it with me, much like your guy would do for you.

After a couple of days being apart, everything became much more clear, she needed time to get over things, we failed not because we weren't right for each other, but we weren't in the same place romantically, (her being fresh out, and me being single for a long time meant different relationship goals). And who knows, maybe this is the way your guy feels too?

I decided to go zero contact with this girl and let her miss me. That was its win win, I get over it and move or, or she calls sometime down the road and we talk about a real relationship.

I think you should simply walk away, be nice if you see him, but don't pursue anything unless he comes back for you.

[rachel1979]

Thanks for the advice. I think you're completely right. I have found this so hard to deal with because him blaming me so much has started to make me believe I did ruin things. However when I step back and think about it rationally I believe it was the timing that is wrong and maybe we are just not suited.

I don't know if he thought he was ready for this and then realised he wasn't or whether his feelings simply changed but I dont think anything I did or didn't do would have helped in the long run. That doesn't stop me thinking about it and wishing things were different, but I am finding it difficult not to contact him but I know it will get easier!

Luckily I am going away for a while and I am hoping that the time apart will help us both and maybe in the future we can be friends again and spend time together but for the time being I am going to focus on me and enjoy life again!

I read your post and hope things work out for you too. I think you have definitely done the right thing, however difficult this may seem at the moment. It will get easier and I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we cannot see that reason at the time. We both need to be strong and rememer that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger!

Good luck with everything!

[DarkHelmet82]

you cant be friends with peopel you have feelings for.. it simply does not work...

[Cerby]

No problem Rachel. Mine ended only a few days ago, and I'm still battling, like you, to not contact her. But I know that if I do, I will just make the waters more muddy.

You'll find yourself after a few days fighting the thought that the jerk just simply went back to his ex and lied to you, this is where I am now. The thing to do is just make sure that you stand your ground, make no contact unless contacted first, and continue to get over it. Being used sucks, I'm stinging, and you are too.

No matter what you feel, just make sure you don't do something irrational like contact him. Its probably over, but perhaps he just needs time, this is the best case scenario. Don't wait on him, get out of the house every night for the first week to ease the hurt, then soon you'll be able to reflect on this by yourself without staring at your phone.

You should notice immediately all the red flags that went up after your first couple of weeks that indicated what was happening, focus on those and tell yourself there was nothing you could do. If he couldn't accept you for who you were, its not your fault it ended.

[DarkHelmet82]

Dont take it personally!

[rachel1979]

Not taking it personally is the key!

I have to accept that whatever I did or didn't do ultimately wasn't the reason it ended. Both people need to want the relationship to work, and as you said, Cerby, to accept each other for who they are. If not, it simply won't work.