only halfloved?

[halfloved]

I met my current boyfriend only very shortly after my ex-live-in boyfriend and I broke up. I had no intentions of starting a new relationship so soon but it just developed. In the beginning I learned he had been completely betrayed by his ex wife and all that really mattered to him were his two children. He didn't have any tolerance for "drama" or hightened emotions. I am a pretty sensitive person and I have always expressed my emotions freely. There were a few times when I felt upset and cried because I felt like he didnt really want all of me and wasn't going to let me in. By his words and actions, I felt there was a signifigant wall keeping me out.

A few months into dating he broke things off saying he just didnt feel the vibe and that he really didnt think he was ready for a relationship. Needless to say this really shook me up because a week before he was telling me he was madly in love with me and I was really falling in love with him and his children. I picked myself up and decided to move on. I wrote him a letter and he asked to get back together after that, I was a bit reluctant but I always take risks when it comes to love so I agreed. After that I fell for him more and more but this time I was really trying not to lose him again. I thought that if it was my "drama" and emotions that pushed him away before, it would happen again. He did always tell me to be open and honest and communicate with him but I felt choked up every time I did so I just held it back. I know that is my fault because I basically stonewalled him and all I was really trying to do was be just what he wanted and not push him away.

About six months into dating we moved in together, he already lived about an hour away from me and would be moving to a city a little further than that. We felt it was the right thing to do and we were happy. About a week after moving in I felt very unhappy. The feeling of not being good enough, not being number one, not being able to express myself spiritually and emotionally to my partner started to take it's toll. I take full responsibility for my feelings and my happiness, I know it's an inside job but at the same time sometimes living with another family can make it really difficult. To make matters worse, one night he said I was not a very passionate lover, that I was not aggressive enough. As you can probably tell already I am pretty sensitive and my self-esteem can suffer. In my past relationships I have always felt truly admired and cared for completely with my partners always raving about the sex so this was a shocker to me. I have always just held back with this guy, he's extremely dominate, stubborn, strong, willful, determined, independent and just intimidating to me. I have always worn the pants in my previous relationships, let's just say that I am now naked!

I know I keep referencing my past relationships, maybe that is wrong? I just have nothing else to go by, this is so new. It was a fun kind of novelty to begin with and now it just hurts. Now I was concerned about the sex issue. I did not want my lover to be unsatisfied but now whenever I tried to initiate something I got no response OR he would tell me to let him sleep because he had to work early, this was never a problem before but he said he had been really tired in the past and his job required him to be completely rested. Other nights one of the kids would sleep with us! I was getting so frustrated, I had felt our sex life was pretty good up until this point. I have been so afraid to mess up that I have been "messing up" all along and driving this person further and further from me.

It all came to a boiling point last week. After he took a shower one evening I went to the restroom and noticed a bottle of personal lubricant by my sink and that the playboys in the cabinet were all screwed up. I wondered if he just decided to not bother with me and do the job himself. I have no problem with pleasing myself or my partner pleasing themselves, what bothered me was the wondering that he just doesnt want me anymore with all the talk about not being passionate and then sort of cutting me off from sex. It just struck my nerves wrong so I came out of the bathroom in a huff and he asked what my deal was and I said nothing because I honestly didnt know if it was wrong of him and I didnt know how to address the situation. I feel like everytime I have felt there was a problem or something hurt my feelings it was dismissed, joked about or he would get angry so why even try to talk about it? He said I was lying to him and said "this isn't working" I agreed and said maybe I should leave, of course, I have to over-dramatize! He said he thought that was a good idea because the longer I stayed the more it would hurt the kids. He said he didnt think he should be in a relationship, that he wasnt looking for a mother for his kids, that he wasn't looking to breed, he already had done that. He said he learned from his past relationship to care more for his kids than his companion because she screwed him over. I freaked out and then calmed down, I said I would leave if that is what he thought was best. We talked the next day, he said he didnt know if he could love me again, said he had emotionally detached and didnt know if he could get it back. I said ok, nothing I can do about it, part of me was really hurting but I had to be strong. I expressed myself fully and told him that I would never shut him out again, even if we didnt work out, told him that I was wrong to hold back and that for my own sanity I would not do that anymore. He said he felt like it was a cycle that would keep happening, I said it wouldnt but he could believe what he wanted. I felt a great sense of self from this whole experience, I felt I had gained control of my thoughts and it made me feel better about the situation. I said I would give him time and turned over for sleep. He grabbed me and hugged and kissed me, we made love and it was really good. That was last Thursday, today is Monday.

So I feel like he isnt satisfied with me still. Like he doesnt accept me for all that I am. Maybe my ideals are too high? He always has some little comment. Yesterday he asked me why I paint my lips. He likes the color of my lips and that when I wear lipstick it gets all over him when he kisses me. I have always been a lipgloss/lipstick junkie its my one make-up item I never go without. It just feels like one more thing he doesnt really like that I do. I guess there is a compliment in there, he likes the color of my lips. I guess I need more strenghth in who I am to not really care about what he thinks about my stupid make-up habits but right now I am really vulnerable. I told him I just felt like he doesnt really adore me and he said he does somewhat but not completely. I asked him if he ever has adored me and he said no. He said we arent to that stage yet. He asked if I ever adored him completely and the truth is I DID but I told him not anymore, it has drifted away. He seemed shocked and offended. lol as if it doesnt also hurt me that I have to work and wait for someone to completely accept and love me because they were screwed over before. At least I came to this open and clean with my heart full of love. or did I? I think I did. He said he is having a difficult time letting me in completely because of what his ex wife did and that it would take time but he did love me. woooooooooohooooooo! I'm not excited.

I feel cheated to be honest and so that is my question, judging by all these little things do you think it's worth it?. We have similar dreams and goals, he is very supportive of my artistic endeavors, he is fun and funny and we laugh and enjoy the same music, his smile lights up a room, he is very grown-up and I learn alot from him, he is patient and intelligent, we love nature and we want to travel and learn new things together. I am 26 and he 29. It hurts that he already has children and doesnt think that I dont and maybe in the future i would want some. Are my ideals too high? Am I running to far ahead? I am thinking of this because I do love him but don't want to be wasting time in some tiny city when I could be out enjoying myself and possibly finding my mate. I would like to be someones adored lover and have a family of my own. I love his kids, they are wondeful and I have accepted a role of caretaker here, I cook, clean, do laundry, kiss cuts, help with homework, play, sing songs, read bedtime stories I mean I have dived into the role and I truly do enjoy it I just dont think its fair to deny myself a child that belongs to me, a marriage, a love of a lifetime, a place where I truly belong just because the partner I chose has been betrayed and screwed over. I really don't know what to do, I dont want to give up and I don't want to give up my one and only life or even another week of it if I could be happier. I made a decision to make this relationship right, to give it my all, but I keep getting set back by little things and the nagging thought that he has become very selfish and or shut-off bc of what happened and won't be able to give me what I need and want. I do not want to settle.

Thanks for your time. Feel free to tell me that I am crazy for all the little things I worry about. I may need to hear it. I need to hear brutal honesty and I need to hear other perspectives, I have about driven my mother crazy

[98db]

You deserve to have everything you want in order for you to be happy. If he cannot give you the love and emotional support you need, and you don't see that changing any time soon, then now is the time to walk away. I don't get the impression that he is completely into this relationship, and you at a minimum, deserve at least that.

I know it's hard, because I had to do the same thing

[obval]

I was married for 20 years (started dating him when I was 16). My husband didn't want children, finally, when I was 32 I said 'too bad' and told him my goal is to get pregnant if you're not on board than 'see ya'. It's the best decision I ever made. I left him 18 months ago. We're still really good friends. My advice to you on kids is, if you want them -- go for it. I have a lot of friends in thier 40's who were too frightened and they regret it. The lipstick and playboy stuff is totally manageble, as long as he's not a bully. The kid thing is kinda big.

[reeba]

You saw the relationship was iffy after a couple of months. But dispite this you moved in with him a mere several months later?????

[halfloved]

Thanks. Yeah I did move in with him because after the "iffy" part we were great and really didnt have any problems since that first rocky month. I took the risk thinking this is the love of my life! Believe me I have doubted my decision since things went sour again but I feel already committed. I brought stuff up again on Monday night because I was thinking about it too much and wanted to express to him that it worries me he doesnt see me as a life partner and think about how I feel about a family of my own WITH HIM. He said he didnt mean it would always be like that, that there was potential for that. He said he didnt have enough time and he didnt have any answers for me. He said I am either "black or white" that I cannot be in the grey area, that its all or nothing for me. It's somewhat true because it's hard to sit around and wait while someone decides just where you stand with them or how they feel. He got pretty angry that I was crying and bringing this drama up again. It really bothered me because he has asked me to communicate my feelings and when I do, he cant handle it. Despite all this, we have been actually getting along really well. I think he is the type of person who uses emotional detachtment as a defense mechanism and because he was so badly hurt by his ex-wife he became really good at it. When we moved to our new home, I was really distant and sullen. He was really sweet and always saying "I love you" - almost too much and he just couldnt please me. The kids could tell I was unhappy and I think I just put a general doom and gloom feel into the environment. I didnt talk and I didn't act in love. He said he felt like I didnt love him. He detached and he is trying to warm back up and doing quite well. What am I complaining about? It seems like its all my fault. I just wish he could see I was only depressed and I did and do love him. Im sure he see's that but can't change how he feels like a switch. I think he really put himself out there and I shut him out and he is reacting defensively and thats why he said the things he did that hurt me and that's why he finds it hard to open back up to me. I think I would feel the same way. hmmmmm. guess I just worked out my own problem. Unless someone else has a different take or some other advice. Thank you all so much!