Month after we break up my EX is dating my friend. Pls Advice!!!

[Gana]

I am a 28 yrs old guy and I met a girl (26 yrs old) 10 months back through some common friends. She was already in a relationship for last 3 years and had plans of getting married to him. Over the next few weeks we got close to each other and she told me about her bf issues and how it wasn't working out, while she was sorting her issues with him, we ended up having sex one night. Few days later we realised it was wrong and she should either break up with her bf or we should stop our intimacy as we had started to like each other. She broke up with him a week later but wasnt sure if wanted to get into a relationship with me as it was too soon for her to start a new relationship. We kept being intimate for next couple of weeks till she took a month off to travel alone. While on her travels she met some guy for a week and ended up sleeping with him which she told me a week later after she returned. We had a big fight over this but I accepted her back in my life a week later knowing that i really liked her and technically we were not in a relationship when she slept with this random guy (She argued with me over this point) although she did lead me on by calling me every day while she was away but made no promises.

Over the next few months, things got better and we got more and more into each other. We got along really well, and we have never had an argument over anything. There were somedays when she would give me a cold shoulder and tell me it was coz she would be missing her ex bf a lot and wasnt feeling it for me coz she will end up comparing how she felt with him since they were together for 3 years, which i kind of understood. While we were getting serious over the past few months, she started making plans for marriage and convincing me of our future, I had met her family and got along well with everyone and still do. Since i really liked her i convinced myself of thinking long term with her untill a month back she had cold feet again towards me which made me realise its better to put this relationship off than to drag it. She wanted some more time even after 9 months to understand her feelings about us which i wasnt ready to give and i told her we should call it off and not be in touch for a while so that she can think over it and understand if she wanted us together or not, and so we took a break.

Its barely been a month since we broke up/took a break, and i found out through common friends that last week she started to date an old friend of mine who didnt know about our relationship. I dunno what to do and i am so mind fu*&#@ed. I thought i was moving on well without her until now, that she has started dating a friend of mine and was getting cosy with him at a friend’s party. Please somebody advice how to deal with this..? I always had trust issues with her coz of her promiscuous past, and now its turning into a reality.

Should I confront her or let her be? Should i take her off my Facebook and have no contact with her or act all cool and casual and not let her know anything. If i take her off facebook it will show i am weak and insecure, she will be pleased about it, learnt from her last break up with her bf. Or should i just play cool and move on? Pls advice!

[steviej]

Don't give her the time of day, she's playing the field, cut contact totally and try and move on!

[robFord]

Sorry to say but this girl is all over the place. Whether or not her almost fiance to be was right for her she clearly hasn't recovered from that relationship and is doing whatever she can to try and move on; that includes using you and hooking up with random guys. She needs to take time out and figure her shit out before she hurts more people. Don't do anything rash because it's not your friend's fault that he's seeing her when he didn't know about the 2 of you. I will bet that their relationship won't last very long either.

It's going to suck and be extremely painful in the meantime, but you need to block her out. She's an emotional mess and just rebounding from guy to guy.

Don't talk to her, do everything you can to try and move on because you're going to drive yourself crazy over this and as much as you think, it isn't worth it.

[fivefootfour]

Well done mate, you dont need to be with someone who's going to be cold with you.

I know exactly what you mean, my ex went back to her ex straight after me. I'm ashamed of myself for doing this but I went through a spell when I went on to her emails as she gave me her passwords before (she knows nothing about this and nothing about that I know about her ex). I stopped myself doing this eventually as I was torturing myself. My ex blocked me on facebook when we first split up and I was so annoyed. I almost sent her nasty texts asking why she has done it but I stopped myself. I just acted cool about it and I don't regret that. I
am still friends with her family members and she's still friends with mine (on facebook). If I were you I would just play it cool and act like you not fussed. I know it's hard but I think it shows your stronger but you will have to stop spying on her (I know it's hard).

Recently I had brief contact with my ex and she unblocked me on facebook a few days later (I can see some of her profile but were not actually friends). I started spying again and she was single and I looked again and she's in a relationship now. It's torn me apart again so I don't recommend spying and i've told myself not to look again.

Hope this helps, I'm feeling exactly how you are mate so your not alone.

[Gana]

Don't give her the time of day, she's playing the field, cut contact totally and try and move on!

Thank you for your reply, really appreciate. I am confused about cutting off completely or playing cool? She has been playing pretty cool all this time, not sure if she really is or just pretending, cant be too sure or either. sigh!

[Gana]

Hey, thanks for your reply, really appreciate your views on this. God, I am a wreck, i keep going to her facebook to see what she is upto? Kinda sure she does that too with mine. Can people really move on in a month's time? or are they just pretending? ANyway, she did mssg me 3 weeks back saying "i miss you" but didnt know wht to say back since i wanted to keep the distance so gave her a smiley, lame, but didnt want to say it back though i was tempted to, wanted her to give time so that she can understand what she really wanted. It just hurts that she will be dating this friend of mine (not a great friend though, but a good friend) and I will end up seeing them at our other friends' social gatherings. Just one thing, you suggest i lose contact with her at all? or should i play cool, which will be really hard but anything to keep her wondering and on her toes...or you think meeting her for closure on this will be better. I dont want her to know i am affected by this coz i know she will somewhere feel good about it. Somewhere i have jealousy creeping in, what if they get together for good? Oh relationships, such sweet misery!

[IncognitoSir]

I am a 28 yrs old guy and I met a girl (26 yrs old) 10 months back through some common friends. She was already in a relationship for last 3 years and had plans of getting married to him. Over the next few weeks we got close to each other and she told me about her bf issues, while she was sorting her issues with him, we ended up having sex one night.

Right their, this tells SO much about this chicks character. If she was willing to do that with you, she's capable of all kinds of twisted fcuked up shit. You do need to forget her, ignore her and get on without her. She's not worth your time man.

[Cinnabella]

She doesn't deserve any love, once a betrayer, always will be, at least in this Case :-).

[Kevin K]

She sounds like one lost and confused women acting out after her last break up, jumping from guy to guy. Let her go.

Also, don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you know about this and are affected by it. Feel the feelings - the betrayal, the deceit, the lack of trust etc - but then accept it as part of who she is and come to terms with it. A cold flaky on and off indecisive woman is not someone you want to be in a relationship with long term. Keep focusing on the fact that this dynamic would continue to play out if you were with her time and time again. View this separation as a blessing because you won't have to deal with this confusion or have to constantly try to make sense of what she wants or what she's doing. And yes, do cut off contact on facebook/phone, delete her, block her, whatever you have to do. You can't have any reminders around making you think about her more than you already do.

[Lifetime]

Gotta agree with everyone else. I probably would have gave it up after she slept with some guy she met on vacation. Just sounds like a girl like this is only going to hurt you over and over again, and unless that's your thing, I'd say try to forget her. Easier said than done of course.

[Jimmybee]

She is just trying to hurt you. As others have said you need to cut ties.

[Gana]

Right their, this tells SO much about this chicks character. If she was willing to do that with you, she's capable of all kinds of twisted fcuked up shit. You do need to forget her, ignore her and get on without her. She's not worth your time man.

Thanks for your reply, really appreciate it. It makes a lot of sense. Thats where i developed my trust issues too, that if she could cheat once, she could cheat again. There was a time she would try and convince me to get into 3somes and all, which i really wasnt comfortable with, coz you never know how they might turn out to be, so avoided all of that. God, i do miss her for some strange reason but also agree its soo ****ed up.

[Gana]

She sounds like one lost and confused women acting out after her last break up, jumping from guy to guy. Let her go.

Also, don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you know about this and are affected by it. Feel the feelings - the betrayal, the deceit, the lack of trust etc - but then accept it as part of who she is and come to terms with it. A cold flaky on and off indecisive woman is not someone you want to be in a relationship with long term. Keep focusing on the fact that this dynamic would continue to play out if you were with her time and time again. View this separation as a blessing because you won't have to deal with this confusion or have to constantly try to make sense of what she wants or what she's doing. And yes, do cut off contact on facebook/phone, delete her, block her, whatever you have to do. You can't have any reminders around making you think about her more than you already do.

WOW! thank you again, this is a great great suggestion. You know the thing is, its her who has been moving on from guy to guy, i mean, shes the one who initiates to move on first due to some dis-satisfaction she develops in her mind, she is the one breaking up all her past 10 relationships, although some were barely flings or one nite stands. Even with me she tried to come up with some excuses blaming me to make her feel insecure and i so know they were not true coz i never mocked her friend. I confronted her and told her she was just looking for reasons to make her feel like its over, as if she was done with me, since she had me. Its true, i certainly feel that, even if i did have her back, the story would remain the same, hot and cold at times, keeping me on toes thinking how to give her the best to help her move on, realising i am living in such a negative space in the bargain.

[Gana]

Gotta agree with everyone else. I probably would have gave it up after she slept with some guy she met on vacation. Just sounds like a girl like this is only going to hurt you over and over again, and unless that's your thing, I'd say try to forget her. Easier said than done of course.

Thanks. I tried breaking up with her. Didnt talk to her for a week at all, didnt answer her calls. She went mad, calling trying to talk to me, but debated over the fact that it was just a one of thing with this guy and didnt really care about him. ALso, that we were not in a relationship, so i shouldnt give her such a hard time. Since, i was falling for her, i accepted her back. Really should have stopped right then. Learnt my lesson, as @Cinabella said above, once a betrayer, always a betrayer. I agree!

[Kevin K]

WOW! thank you again, this is a great great suggestion. You know the thing is, its her who has been moving on from guy to guy, i mean, shes the one who initiates to move on first due to some dis-satisfaction she develops in her mind, she is the one breaking up all her past 10 relationships, although some were barely flings or one nite stands. Even with me she tried to come up with some excuses blaming me to make her feel insecure and i so know they were not true coz i never mocked her friend. I confronted her and told her she was just looking for reasons to make her feel like its over, as if she was done with me, since she had me. Its true, i certainly feel that, even if i did have her back, the story would remain the same, hot and cold at times, keeping me on toes thinking how to give her the best to help her move on, realising i am living in such a negative space in the bargain.

glad you're realizing it. sounds like she has her own personal issues and insecurities and seeks to feel whole and complete with her partners. at first, it gives her a good feeling but eventually it wears off and she grows hot and cold and starts nitpicking things that are wrong with the other person and blaming those for the cause of her unhappiness when in reality it's never the other persons responsibility to do that for her. its her own.

now don't get me wrong, its not all her fault. im sure you had your own problems and issues in the relationship too. however, its important to realize this and see her for the dysfunctional person she is. this will help make it easier to let go of her knowing that you are really not losing all that much. in fact, you're freeing yourself up and liberating yourself from a toxic relationship. PM me if you need more advice or something. i'll be happy to help.

- kevin