Terribly confused, i've got nowhere else to go

[Rabbitt]

Hello everyone

Im 20 year old male and my sort of ex is 19 year old female.

This is absolutly my last resort and I like to thank all of you in advance for reading this.


I met her 5-6 years ago in a local club, I fell in love immediatly but i was shy and all of that bad stuff and every week she would go out and we saw eachother but i never made my move instead i had to watch her kiss other guys.

one day she hugged me and we became best friends but she was always more in my eyes.


I stayed at her side, she told me everything, she has been a victim of loverboys and she had been sold for having sex with 2 guys ,, when i heard it i was devastated but kept my confidence and stayed right by her side,,, she mailed me sometime later that she had almost been kidnapped to a different country but police busted the guys that where trying to do that, she was devastated because the guys where supposed to be good friends of her, she couldnt trust anyone anymore,


now here is where i need advice, 2-3 months ago in january, i met up with her, i picked her up and we chilled at my place we watched a movie nothing happened but there was and i felt it and i know she felt it was unbelievable chemistry.

we decided to meet up again , second date i picked her up from a party she wasnt drunk but slightly tipsy we watched 2 movies and during the second one she got horny and started to rub her body against mine , and yes there it is we kissed ALOT i also went further (with pants on just stimulate her)

3rd date we kissed and did stuff again

then i heard nothing from her for 3 days and she called me she put everything on hold, she said she talked about us at home, she had told her mom that we where best friends but i was definatly more than that and her mother replied that she just had fear of commitment and she admitted that whilst her brother told her to be honest with me and break it off so she did.

i was pissed and devastated ,
but we met up again

4th date we watched another movie on my bed but she was different she actually told me to stop touching her in a very attacking way, yet she pulled on my vest??

i was confused , and we had fights all the time, so that 4th date was on a friday and that tuesday i called her, filled with confidence :

I was NOT letting this happen to me.
she opened up she cried on the phone, she said she doesnt want to hurt me, and she even told me that her very first time having sex was when her best friends dad forced her to have sex at the age of 11, and before that he forced her to blowjobs etc etc, i kept my cool ofcourse and told her she was safe with me i was never letting anything happen to her. and then i asked:

I dont wanna do this over the phone but, would you want to continue as my girl? and it was silent for a moment and she replied yes. but I backed out at the end of the call because of her asking: did you btw ask me to be your girlfriend in which i replied well lets just go back to how we were where we left off. and she said okay.

i didnt see her for sometime , i still had contact with her on the phone,

now i was gonna go clubbing then my friends bailed on me so i went clubbing with her and her friend, i picked em up yadayadayada in the club she only danced with me and not with other guys

now here it is;

i brought her home and parked my car infront of her house we talked alot and then it was silent she was hanging in my neck and it triggered me so i went for the score, we had sex in the car. halfway she stopped and she started crying that she could never have normal sex again i told her that i loved her to death and that it was fine i was there.

ive told her i loved her before on the phone after she said it first though

but now she keeps saying again she has no feelings for me, how the f can she have no feelings? we are like a yoyo just going up and down bickering all that stuff

everytime i use the silent treatment i get angry emails or texts that she thinks shes not important to me while i just want her to miss me as a boyfriend because i ****ing want to treat her the best i can ,

i want to be her guy for the rest of my life that respects her and loves her

i went to her house last week and her mom opened the door so she said yeah shes inside ill go get her, so the mom shouted that i was visiting and i heard her yelling and she didnt want to come down ?

so i drove away and 2 mins later she called me said she was sorry so i told i was sorry because i had stuff to say like that i was sorry for treating her like crap (silent treatment) so she explained to me that she didnt want to come down and shouted because she was cutting herself and didnt want me to see her like that



please all i know its really alot to read but ive got nowhere to go, my friends dont understand and i cant tell them about whats going on because i promised her not to tell anyone.

please help im so confused , does she like me as a boyfriend or is there no hope at all?


help

[GivingUp]

I'll try to help as much as possible. I have never been in a similar situation but sexual abuse leaves impressions in people for years after.
My mum still can't have a man on top of her because of the abuse she went through when she was younger.
Perhaps reading up on abuse and it's effects will help you understand her behaviour better.
However, at the end of the day, you should never put yourself down and tell yourself you're a rubbish boyfriend because she is acting this way. It isn't your fault. It will always be difficult, but then things that are worth it are never easy.
Note also that just because you want to help doesn't mean you can. I would personally stay away because of my lack of experience and knowledge of the specifics of relationships after abuse but you can't help who you fall for.

[Rabbitt]

Please help me

[IncognitoSir]

She needs some serious psychological help.....first. She has a TON of issues that NEED to be addressed before she can even live a normal life. Attempted kidnapping, rape, cutting herself, sexual abuse, etc. These are VERY serious things that will keep her from living at all. You can't get into a relationship with her because she's literally incapable of that right now and it's going to take a lot of work on her part to get to a point where she can be. The only way you can help her, is to drive her to a doctor so she can deal with her issues. You're going to be going in circles forever if you keep this up.

[smackie9]

Dude her issues are way beyond anything you can help her with. She needs some serious professional help. Being supportive and a loving BF is not going to help her. She needs a therapist. It would be best to leave it alone before you both crash and burn.

[lisiosa]

Hi!
I'm really sorry you have to go trough all of this..i know its gotta be very painful for you..I have a bachelors degree in psychology and hopefully, i can have some helpful insight for you.. I'm gonna be completely honest with you..

I understand that you love this girl very much..I'ts very clear, and i don't doubt that for one second.

You have to understand that the girl you love is very sick...She has experienced A LOT of Psychological trauma. This is a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a traumatic event. When that trauma leads to posttraumatic stress disorder, damage may involve physical changes inside the brain and to brain chemistry, which changes the person's response to future stress.
people who go through these types of extremely traumatic experiences( like the ones you're girlfriend have gone trough) often have certain symptoms and problems afterward.
After a traumatic experience, a person may re-experience the trauma mentally and physically, hence avoiding trauma reminders, also called triggers(like sexual contact with ANYONE), as this can be uncomfortable and even painful. They may turn to psychoactive substances including alcohol or cutting them selves to try to escape the feelings. Re-experiencing symptoms are a sign that the body and mind are actively struggling to cope with the traumatic experience...

Triggers and cues act as reminders of the trauma, and can cause anxiety and other associated emotions. Often the person can be completely unaware of what these triggers are. In many cases this may lead a person suffering from traumatic disorders to engage in disruptive or self-destructive coping mechanisms, often without being fully aware of the nature or causes of their own actions.

Consequently, intense feelings of anger may surface frequently, sometimes in very inappropriate or unexpected situations, as danger may always seem to be present. Upsetting memories such as images, thoughts, or flashbacks may haunt the person, and nightmares may be frequent.Insomnia may occur as lurking fears and insecurity keep the person vigilant and on the lookout for danger, both day and night.

In time, emotional exhaustion may set in, leading to distraction, and clear thinking may be difficult or impossible. Emotional detachment, as well as dissociation can frequently occur. Dissociating from the painful emotion includes numbing all emotion, and the person may seem emotionally flat, preoccupied, distant, or cold. The person can become confused in ordinary situations and have memory problems.
Some traumatized people may feel permanently damaged when trauma symptoms do not go away and they do not believe their situation will improve. This can lead to feelings of despair, loss of self-esteem, and frequently depression...

Traumatic events such as rape and sexual assault have, aside from obvious physical traumas, profound LONG-TERM psychological effects on all victims including but not limited to children who are assault victims. These include: denial, helplessness, dislike of sex, anger, self-blame, anxiety, shame, nightmares, fear, depression, flashbacks, guilt, rationalization, mood-swings, numbness, promiscuity, loneliness, social anxiety, difficulty trusting oneself or others, difficulty concentrating. Family and friends experience emotional scarring including a strong desire for revenge, a desire to "fix' the problem and/or move on, and a rationalization that "it wasn't that bad"...

iT IS VERY CLEAR TO ME THAT YOU LOVE THIS GIRL...i'm not doubting that for one second
I't pains me to tell you this, but she is not in any way ready to be in a healthy and mature relationship with anyone...

Don't ask her to be you're girlfriend at this point..dont kiss her or give her sexual attention..just be there for her as a friend..as a person who loves her..support her and encourage her to get some proffesional help..She NEEDS therapy..NO ONE can experience so much pain without getting help to work trough it..
I know that this is very difficault for you to hear... If she gets help and starts her healing process you might reconsider asking her to be your girl, but at this point she will only hurt you because she is hurting so much..

I really hope this helps you...
You seem like a very kind and loving person..It is very painful to watch someone you love hurting, and i hope you take care of yourself in all of this...

Best of luck!

[Anturo]

20 years old.

Blinded by the KISA Syndrome. (Knight In Shining Armor)

You want to be with her? Fine but you have your work cut out for you. First thing is help her get some professional help for her past sexual abuse.

Oh and just as a heads up she may never turn out to be what you want her to be after you help her.

So at this young of an age maybe putting all your eggs in her basket isn’t the best thing for you.

But if you do care about her still get her some help. (Because God knows we all need all the help we can get)

[Rabbitt]

I appreciate it all, at first I thought it was me, and i was just not attractive to her but then again i just remembered that she told me that I was the first one in 2 years (since the sexual abuse) she actually had sex with.

I know she has feelings for me I know she does she just tells me she doesnt have them all the time, she's looking for ways to keep me at distance because well you are right she is not ready for a relationship

Yes ive got the syndrome but ive been having it for 5 years now then, its not infatuation, Its that i cant picture myself with someone else in 10 years , it's me and her. and I want to support her and be there for her along the way.


She is seeing a therapist but she also tells me that shes not telling the therapist everything like the cutting and the sex abuse, from what I understand the therapist just thinks shes just a screwed up teenager and just gives her medication like anti depressants.


we where gonna meet up again this week and i'll try to convince her to be honest because otherwise therapy isnt gonna help at all.


I dont mind, NOT being her boyfriend right now, it's that I mind that I could NEVER be it again because it made me feel like King Arthur himself when we where dating. i know its right between me and her and we should be together, i've been with alot of girls but no one made me feel this way, I think I also just need to be well ... needed otherwise i feel so utterly useless and just an average boyfriend whos got nothing to do than talk about beer and boobs with his friends.


thanks i appreciate all the help im looking for more advice though something maybe from a girl or woman who experienced this herself!


I also just need to know just from someone else its perspective: Does this girl, does she like me ? does she see me as boyfriend material?

[IncognitoSir]

I have been in your situation and believe me, it's not easy. I read a book called "From Heartache To Happiness: How to recover from a breakup and find success in relationships" that helped. It's on the Amazon Kindle site. Amazing stuff.

Officially a TROLL!