Is it all done? Open to all advice

[skrapy4]

Hi sorry for the long story but here it goes. Me and my ex were together 9 yrs, and were inseperable. I mean out of 365 days of a year- we were joined at the hip 365 days of the year. No one ever saw us alone, for that entire time. Now through out the 9 yrs, I had alot of personal issues which I know contributed to our break up. I always put my fam first- even when they didnt deserve it. I was basically an enabler for them, a crutch. Any money needed, I got. Any problems they had I fixed, and he felt like I never put him first (which i know is true). At like yr 6, he gave me a ring which he said symbolizes his love for me, and that no matter what, was I to take it off. I agreed, but things started to get stale. We were arguing a lot, and then I got into the "I dont know what to do with my life" phase, which made me depressed (i'm 21 by the way, he's 22) on top of that,I was hospitalized in our 9th year, and for a while, i felt like besides graduating HS, he really wasnt doing anything with his life. Yes it took me a while to graduate culinary school- but i eventually did. I kept nagging him to at least go to school- do something. he kept saying if i didnt ask to be with him 24/7 (which i did), he would have time to do stuff. Again, through out this time, i was completely depressed (plus i learned i was hormonaly imbalanced, but that was much later), i tried to tell him i need help- and he tried to tell me i need to stop verbally abusing him, that he couldnt take it much more. Arguing got worse and worse till finally i broke, and i took the ring off and gave it to him and walked away. When i realized what ive done (a half hour later), i called him to talk. I told him i was sorry, but at that point he didnt care (he has asked me to give him breaks before, but i refused), we ended not talking for like 3 weeks. I contacted him to see if i can mend us, but he told me he didnt want to jump into a relationship wit me right now, and he said he wasnt ready, so again we argued for some time till i said i'll be happy if we were just friends. Somehow we started sleeping together again, but he also told me he didnt want it to mean anything- i said thats ok. it was for a while. He was so on and off, one min all lovey dovey, the next cold as ice. This goes on for 9 months. I find out he has a facebook profile wit him and another girl in it and it said in a relationship. It totally broke my heart cause he lied to me about being with someone else, and when i confronted him, he said they were just friends, that he wasnt ready for a relationship. It grew so out of control, that he said he never wants to speak to me again. That was a month ago. Our love was real, and I know I was selfish for not giving him a break from me, but I hope I didnt ruin all chances for reconciliation. I've been doing no contact for this whole month- it hurts like hell, and I still love him dearly, and he told me he still loves me, but wants to get his life in order(that was before the argument) I dont know what to think HELP!

[steviej]

Wait...you're 21 and been with him 9 years!? So you've been together since you were (counts on fingers) 12!?


0_o

If thats right, then to me it looks like he wants the freedom to live his life a little, i don't think there is much you can do other than let him know how you feel about him and that you miss him. He needs to come after you now, either he'll realise you were the one for him or that he has possibly outgrown the relationship.

[DarkHelmet82]

yeah stevie nailed it on the head

[robFord]

You're still super young and this might seem like the end of the world, but you WILL heal and get past this. You have your whole life ahead of you, since this is both of your first relationships it was only a matter of time before one of you wanted to explore what was out there. Might as well do it now while you have your whole life ahead of you. 21 is a GREAT age to be a single female once you've gotten passed this and want to have some fun. Good luck.

[skrapy4]

thank u both, and yeah, we were together since 12 with not one break up, untill now. He says he wasnt ever thinking of ending it with me ever,and when I asked him about what he felt after I left him,he bottles up and he was never like that. I know he got a taste of freedom,and I do enjoy it too sometimes, but sometimes I cant help but miss him and want to speak to him,but I also know doing so will hurt me again. I guess I kinda know what I gotta do from here, but I was wondering if he will try to come back to me? Is it still possible? We were both our first loves, and people even said we were like an old married couple (so bad I know) I dont want what we used to have, I want to build on top of it and start anew

[skrapy4]

also to add if it helps, I kinda did try to push him away some while we were together. He just wanted to stay by my side. also the first month we were going out, he told me he loved me o.0. I thought it was really fast for that,but it was cute. Im also wondering after almost a year, is he still hurting?I know he's definately hurting or gonna hurt soon cause this is the first time I stayed no contact, but I mean still from the break up?

[DarkHelmet82]

also to add if it helps, I kinda did try to push him away some while we were together. He just wanted to stay by my side. also the first month we were going out, he told me he loved me o.0. I thought it was really fast for that,but it was cute. Im also wondering after almost a year, is he still hurting?I know he's definately hurting or gonna hurt soon cause this is the first time I stayed no contact, but I mean still from the break up?

How would anyone know how hes feeling.. you cant assume he is doing or feeling a certain way and if you try you will just end up goign CRAAAAAZY.

[skrapy4]

i am going crazy! Since we were so close, even our circle of friends were the same, and he totally avoids them too, we live in the same area and its like he died- that's how much he's gone. I miss him so much its not even funny. I wish this never happened, we talked about kids and family and everything. There's things that only I know. I'm the only one on earth that seen him vunerable and cry. I wonder if there's even a future for us ever again...

[Cerby]

i am going crazy! Since we were so close, even our circle of friends were the same, and he totally avoids them too, we live in the same area and its like he died- that's how much he's gone. I miss him so much its not even funny. I wish this never happened, we talked about kids and family and everything. There's things that only I know. I'm the only one on earth that seen him vunerable and cry. I wonder if there's even a future for us ever again...

Hi Skrapy, I came to this forum to get help with my problems, but I've also been in a long term relationship like yours that ended in heartbreak for both parties.

You need to stop wondering about your future and focus on the NOW. You'll burn your mind out wondering about things you can't action. The best example I can give you is that I MUST give my gf/exgf the space she needs right now, so instead of spending a few weeks moping and wondering, I've decided to spend all this time on myself, and focusing on the right now.

Try it, you'll start to feel better in only a few days, as opposed to months of moping if you go that route.

[skrapy4]

cerby, ur exactly right, I need to focus on me and my goals, and I've been doing little things, but I need to do more cause I'm letting this consume me. I never pictured myself alone, as a single individual, and learning that could be a big step. I dont know whats going to happen, all I know is I have to try to make myself happy

[DarkHelmet82]

cerby is right... just concentrate on the present.. the past is the past and there is no future.. if you take the time you will see that the NOW is beautiful

[confused&single]

Sweetheart, you're both so young. Relationships that start as young as yours did rarely last. (However I have two in my family that have. so it's not impossible) With that said it really just sounds like he (and you probably as well) need time to grow up. Just because he needs space and time to figure who he is by himself doesn't mean what he said and did wasn't real or the truth. He probably will always care for you, but you can't force someone to be with you. You can't convenience them that it's right. If it was right, it'd feel right..for both of you. Maybe with some time and actual separation things will work out. Countless people date and then break up and then end of married. However you really need to let him breathe for both of your sanity. Trust me, I know how hard and painful that is. Just got out of a three and a half year relationship myself. Focus on you...what you want and whom you are destined to become. This is a good thing. Think of all the great things you can do now that you aren't tied down. How about planning a trip with your girlfriends that you've always wanted to do. Or maybe move to a city to pursue a dream you've always had. Life is way to short to be regretting something. If you don't give yourself time you'll regret not focusing on yourself. Instead you're wasting your energy on why instead of accepting it and moving on. Again, so much easier said than done, I get that. And I agree with the other posters, focus on the now. Think about how much less drama is in your life now that you don't have to worry about it. It's great right? Freeing almost. Let it go...it's not worth making yourself miserable because that's whats happening at this point. You are doing this to yourself, you can't blame him anymore.

[Kevin K]

You're still super young and this might seem like the end of the world, but you WILL heal and get past this. You have your whole life ahead of you, since this is both of your first relationships it was only a matter of time before one of you wanted to explore what was out there. Might as well do it now while you have your whole life ahead of you. 21 is a GREAT age to be a single female once you've gotten passed this and want to have some fun. Good luck.

he's right. these are some of your best years. once you get over it, you'll enjoy it!

[Kevin K]

by the way, after reading about the dynamics of the relationship, it was clearly dysfunctional. i know you loved eachother but that was a codependent relationship and you were both really attached to one another. hence him saying he would do things if u didnt constantly ask to see him. its natural though. you were young and he was your first love. cut your losses and learn from it so you can have a happy and healthy relationship in the future.

[skrapy4]

I really appreciate all the advice, I just wish it was on better terms... also its almost like starting a newlife cause niether one of us had lives outside each other. I did get tired of him after a while I admit, but I never wanted it to be like this. For all I know, he can be really bitter with me for breaking up with him the way I did, cause all he wanted was a break, but total seperation is a good thing right now.It still breaks me in peices when he walks by me like he doesn't know me... but I really don't know what's going through his head, so i'm not going to assume