Partner's history causing bad problems

[regularguy]

Hi guys, how do you deal with a partner’s history? I’ve only been with my girlfriend for around 5 months and I’m struggling with her past to a point where it makes me feel sick, anxious and affects my day to day life. It’s very frustrating and makes me feel incredibly weak as a person.

I love her to bits but I know if I bring it up if she asks me ‘what’s wrong?’ if I go quiet she gets equally upset and starts having a go at me about it. It’s like a vicious circle.

I don’t think I can hack being with a girl who has had such a crazy past. I trust her but dealing with what she’s done, who she’s done it with and the situations she’s put herself into I don’t think I could marry someone like that – it would make me hate them eventually. The problem is I think it’s slightly abnormal for me to think like this.

I’m just looking for reassurances really from people who’ve been in my position. Is it normal for guys to feel ‘retrospectively protective’ about a girlfriend? It’s almost as if I love her too much or see her as being too perfect that things like this end up screwing it all up.

I’ve come really, really close to ending it with her on a couple of occasions but I’ve not brought myself to it. It’s like that quote; “sometimes giving up takes more courage than to carry on”. Not word for word, but you get the idea.

Thanks for any replies. I’ll take a wander through some other threads to see if I can offer any advice. It’s easier to talk about these things to perfect strangers than to people close to you…

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I've had a pretty crazy past, and I consider myself a good person. Let her go find a fun, laid back guy if you're going ruin the relationship with your insecurity and dullness.

[BusyBee]

I wouldn't quite put it that way, but if what you know about her past makes you insecure about your relationship, it won't work. You may drag it on for a while but ultimately it leads to a break up.

[regularguy]

It's not just the amount of people she's been with and that - it's a load of other stuff too, failed pregnancies, tattoo of an ex's name, scar from some surgery with the dodgy pregnancy, engagement... how much she hates herself sometimes and a few other things.

I think you 2 are right, I just don't think she's the one, and I don't think I'm the one for her. It's really crap because damn, she took my heart pretty quick, she's incredibly good looking and she has a great personality. I just find it difficult to be with her knowing what she's done, been through and the sort of guys she's been with.

So much is so perfect, yet at the same time so much is so wrong. Pretty crap sometimes huh?

Oh and FWIW I'm not dull and I am usually laid back, I just think if you're with the 'wrong' person it can bring out your worst side. Although I think you're reply is a bit ****ed up, thanks for the input at least...

[MrE]

Sounds like you are grossly insecure. That's too bad. Oh well, better you than me! Some people attack life, others live in the past.

[Looq]

Speaking from experience you have to deal with it and accept it or leave. There is no middle ground. If you can't come to terms with her past then you shouldn't stay with her for the exact reasons BusyBee stated.

I understand how its a horrible position it is to be in. You have such strong but conflicting emotions bubbling away. On one had you love her, on the other you have this knot in your stomach when you think about these things (or are reminded of them by the physical evidence on her body).

My gf has had a similar past and has similar marks (including the name of an ex which she tried to cover with another tattoo). It upset me when I heard of her bad past with stupid men, multiple pregnancies and abortions, experimentation with drugs (and I'm not talking about weed, although that was on the list), use of sex for a tool of revenge and much more. I just had to remind myself that's not who she is today, she has learned from her (many) mistakes (mostly) and if anything, it made her the person I fell in love with.

If you can't deal with it, then you have to remember sometimes love isn't enough, it takes a lot more to make a relationship work than just that one emotion. Get over it or leave. Only choices. Don't drag it out for both your sakes.

[BusyBee]

It's not just about being insecure and all that.

I agree with you that it's about being the right half of the orange or not, if you're not you're always going to have things bugging you.

It's not about you being a bad person or her being one, it's about wanting to move along the same path from now on. If the ghosts of the past throw you back instead of making you move on, it's better to finish it off as you may be missing the right person by holding on.

[98db]

Why does it that everyone has a story just like mine. Your is no different, but you can add drug and alcohol addition to mine. A lot of my feelings were rooted in insecurity, but as the relationship progressed, I did start to feel more secure and slowly learned to accept her past.

That was the easy part. What I didn't realize is that her past behavior can be indicative of an issue that she may still be dealing with. In my case, she had an addictive personality and actually started gambling uncontrollably.

There is nothing you can do about her past, and you can learn to accept it, just make sure that whatever made her go down that path is no longer a part of her or her life.

[devonbrown]

I just want to clarify something here. You said

Is it normal for guys to feel ‘retrospectively protective’ about a girlfriend? It’s almost as if I love her too much or see her as being too perfect that things like this end up screwing it all up.

And that is just not what is happening here. None of this has to do with your girlfriend's past, who she was, who she is, etc. It all has to do with you. I am not saying you are insecure or immature or anything like that. But the simple fact is that YOU can't deal with her past. She deals with it. I am willing to bet that others can and have dealt with it as well. But YOU can't.

No fault, it is just the way it is. The thing about it though is that you are wasting time for both of you wondering if there is anything you can do. You are only 5 months in to the relationship and it is causing you this much stress only tells me that it is just going to become a bigger problem for you in the future.

Some people are not good matches. It sounds like you are in a bad match. It is probably best for both of you to chalk it up to experience and move on.

Good luck.

[doppelgaenger]

You make it out like she was a stripper or a prostitute. Stop making such a big deal out of it. And if you can't, then maybe you should break up with her for the sake of your own mental health.

For future reference, don't clean out your GF's closet.

[Anturo]

For future reference, don't clean out your GF's closet.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Why do you even know these things? Quit asking. You only continue to cause yourself pain.

Its not who she is today, and maybe if she didn't do those things then in her past, she would be the "perfect in every other way" you say she is now.

Hell if that was a part of what she needed to go through to become her current self, isn't it better have happened in her past rather than "now" with you?

[hello1]

Yeah its best not to know about partner past as it does change your feelings of the person.

[98db]

You guys have never found out something about a girl's past where you ended up saying to yourself "If I knew that in the beginning, then things would have been different."? Regardless of how great a person may be now, I think there are always some lines that should not have been crossed, and those lines are different for everyone.

I have found that as I get more experienced (as do the girls), I have to adjust my boundaries. When you are younger maybe you want to find someone that is still a virgin. At my age, I am looking for someone that hasn't starred in a gangbang video.

[Anturo]

You guys have never found out something about a girl's past where you ended up saying to yourself "If I knew that in the beginning, then things would have been different."? Regardless of how great a person may be now, I think there are always some lines that should not have been crossed, and those lines are different for everyone.

I have found that as I get more experienced (as do the girls), I have to adjust my boundaries. When you are younger maybe you want to find someone that is still a virgin. At my age, I am looking for someone that hasn't starred in a gangbang video.

Sure I dont want someone who has starred in a gang bang video. (But then again I might like the fact she has an inner freak)

Hell that might cause me to break up with her, it might not.

But that is my choice. Even if she was "Perfect" in every other way. Her past choices do affect her character.

Now weather or not I can handle who she was then and who she is now, well that is up to me.

Sure there are things I've found out that were like "wow", but I either got over them or I didn't and ended breaking up with the girl because of MY insecurities of her past.

I'm sure if she knew everything about your past she'd not be happy with some of your choices either.

Either overlook the past and move forward or live in it and let the relationship die.

[Natali_Tokii]

I must say that problem here is not your girlfriends past but your perception of it.

I truly believe that human beings have the power to perceive things in any way they choose. In this case you are choosing a negative outlook.

Ask yourself, what is it about her past that makes you so angry?
if its the multiple partners or the failed pregnancies could it be a trust issue?

The question here is...who hurt you in the past that now you are not able to trust thing girl because of her past.

You seem so hung up on her baggage, that you don't see how your own baggage is getting in the way of your relationship.

The truth is the only concern you should have about her past is if she contracted any sexual diseases she could pass on to you...if not then just LOVE her NOW...THE PAST DOES NOT MATTER!

I believe LOVE is an ACTION... as long as you put forth this action you will receive it in response. If you cant put forth this actions because your baggage is between you, then pick up the baggage and put it aside because it just plain does not matter.

Baggage is who you were...someone you are not NOW...and someone you will never be again.

I hope this helps in any way that it can