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Thread: Help!!! My partners past is haunting me

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2011

    Help!!! My partners past is haunting me

    Hi everyone, first ever post online, so be gentle!

    As you can probably tell from the highly unimaginative title, I am currently feeling a range of negative emotions due to being fixated on my fiances past sexual experiences.
    I'll draw an outline to get you up to speed. Im male aged 26 hetrosexual, my fiance is female aged 34 bisexual, we have been together for just under a year, and live together. We met at work, she was so beautiful when i saw her that i swear i fell in love then, we got to know each other and over a couple of months realised that we both had feelings. We were both in relationships already, so before we did anything we broke these off, she was with a girl at this time. The relationship was so natural, i had never been happier in any aspect of my life. Knowing that we were together made the whole world illuminate, i knew that she was the one for me. The present was perfect and the future looked rosey. She was so happy when i asked her to marry me, she cried, said that she never though she was going to marry someone, that it never appealed to her, that she didnt think that anyone would ever be the 'one', she said it finally felt like she was in a fairytale for the first time in her life. So all is well. Until i started started to become obsessed with her past and who was in it.
    We have both lived quite different lives and obviously because of the age gap she has lived a little more of hers already. I had a few issues while growing up, which also had an obsessive nature to them, and this led me to having a fairly tame time in relation to sex throughout my teenage years and early twenties. I went to uni, but did'nt live the 'typical' uni lifestyle, as i had 1 girlfriend throughout the majority of my time there, then i left uni and got a job, how quaint and boring! My fiance, went to uni and had multiple partners, one night stands etc, girls and boys, after she left uni she went travelling for a year, more partners etc. She also, aged 25 years, spent 4 years working in africa, where she had a long term relationship with a local man. Obviously she has had other serious long term relationships aswell.
    So all in all, i have slept with 5 girls, she has slept with about 30 people. At first i didnt even register this as an issue, i didnt care. Then i started to think all kinds of negative stuff surrounding sex, such as 'who has she done this with before', 'how many penises have been bigger than mine',' how did she give it away so easily when she was younger', 'there is nothing that we can do together that she hasnt done before', comparing myself all the time, images, thoughts etc etc. All the information that i know has been from my questioning, she never brings anything up herself, it is dead to her, it is me who keeps bringing it into the present. The issue has become a big deal for us now, i sometimes become less affectionate, loving and seem cold to her when im thinking these thoughts, which must be awful for her, yet i cant stop. I want to let it go and see her for herself again, and stop looking at the shadow behind her. I have been to seen an expert, which didnt help all that much, telling me stuff i already knew. My fiance has been very very supportive, even though it affects her so much too.
    I know that it might sound sexist, or moronic, i am aware of this, but i really dont mean it to. I wasnt bothered about my previous girlfriends pasts, i didint really know anything about them, but this just seems so important to me and i dont know why. I am also aware that i am not a perfect person, god, i have more flaws than most! So its not like im saying 'look at my unblemished life', im just tired of these thoughts that have literally made me sick.
    Any constructive thoughts would be gratefully appreciated.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Well Jensen, i am a guy with a bit more time and experience under my belt( I'm 42)...While I do understand what you are saying, it is really just you, not her past that is haunting you. I have felt the same way, but most women do not see things in this light, they dont usually compare (especially sex) like guys do, if they compare anything, it is just how they feel, meaning how much they love you. it doesnt matter how many penises she has experienced, or the different things she has done in the bedroom. It just matters that whatever you do, you can satisfy her. Sounds to me that she doesn't have any problem with you, so why worry yourself and make a problem?....I know it is hard not to think of the things you have mentioned, but, IT DON"T MATTER !!!!....if she was the one bringing it up, then that is a problem, but obviously not the case. If you feel insecure about what you and her are doing in the bedroom, spice it up, give her something to think about. With out knowing you, it is hard to say exactly what, but you do sound a bit conservative...dont be....break out the wild side of you imagination, share your fantasies with her, ask her to do the same. not only will this be fun for her, hopefully it will let you feel like whatever she may compare(in your head) you to, you will be the shining memory.....just relax and enjoy her.....good luck...MJFCAP

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